Wednesday, 13 July 2011
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I'm Not Sexually Attracted to My Boyfriend
I am fortunate enough at 20 years old to have lived and experience multiple relationships. I've been through the heartaches of being cheated on, I've been to other countries to be with the person I thought I would spend my life with (which of course didn't happen), and I've been in relatively normal relationships until "family matters" happen.
The relationship I find myself in right now is completely different. I may be young still, but I have no doubt in my mind that I would be completely happy if I were to marry him. I see myself having a child with him when I'm ready. I see a house and a happy life together.He's brilliant to me in every way possible. However...I don't find him sexually appealing.
I never thought myself as a sexual person. I've experimented early in high school, but never saw myself as a sex demon. Sex was NEVER a big part in any of my relationships. One of my ex's made that very clear when he cheated on me cause I wouldn't give him my virginity. Now that I have experienced sex, I know that I'm not that sexual of a person.I never thought I'd have this giant rift to get over, and I'm more than confused on what to do. I'm not sure what it is about him, because I find him extremely attractive normally. He's tall, and very handsome to me. I could go on and on about his smile...But when we find ourselves in a situation where we both feel like it's time to have sex, all want goes out of me. I don't know what it is about him, but I can't find myself sexually attracted to him.
I feel uncomfortable when he wants to pleasure me, and I can't bare to look at him if I let him. Even when I make him orgasm, I can't stand to watch him. I don't want to say it disgusts me, but all attractiveness I see in him is GONE. Simply GONE.I don't think sex should rule a relationship, but I'm growing up to find that it is a GOOD thing to have in a relationship.What am I supposed to do? How can I overcome this? Have you ever dated someone you're just not sexually attracted to, but could see yourself marrying?
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About the Author
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- From: BorderlineMartyr@xanga
- Name: BorderlineMartyr
- About Me: A relatively confused person, who can't stop thinking. I come to Xanga for comfort. I come to Xanga to stop hearing the electric current of my mind in my ears. I'm relatively artistic, but simple minded. I'm gullible once.
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Comments (106)
I wasn't sexually attracted to my last boyfriend, and I've discovered that I don't like sexual acts either.
The only person I've ever been sexually attracted to is a picture of a dictator in his 20s, but I didn't want to marry him. He just made me a little cooky for awhile. I think this is because I have too much dopamine in my brain and the excess sent me over the edge. We won't go into me or my special powers though.
I think marriage is more than sex, so it doesn't matter.
I want to be circumcised.
how many times have you had sex/pleasured each other? i mean, i sort of was this way with my current boyfriend. i always felt sort of awkward, until later on in the relationship. just keep trying and see? if not, then your and your bf's sexual chemistry is probably off.
maybe turn the lights off and set a more mysteriously romantic ambience
or when you have a blindfold on, your senses are heightened and it feels more intense due to the suspense. or you can still have a relationship without the recreational sex, but sex as a necessity to reproduce or for special occasions so that it isn't just something to do or whatever you think suits you. I personally enjoy foreplay more than sex and everything that leads up to sex is very hot to me. I've been sexually attracted to every guy that I've been interested in, because the sexual attraction is what separates him from being friendzoned:P
Some people *are* asexual. It happens. I am not, so to me, sex is a huge part of relationships, but if you feel this way, talk to him about it. See what happens.
I wouldn't marry him. I'm in a sexless marriage myself. I love sex and was used to it in previous relationships. But then about 9 years ago, I married my best friend after 5 years of his persistently begging me too and my true soul mate nowhere on the horrizon. We're still best friends and get along well together, but we never have sex. For him, that's just the way he wants it. He's assexual. I'm not. I'm not leaving him over it, he hasn't given me good enough excuse to because he's very good to me, but it drives me crazy and sometimes I'm downright resentful towards him or simply feel depressed that I must be very unattractive. Yet having been rejected by him for so long, I'd never want him sexually if ever he was suddenly miraculously cured. He feels too much like a brother to me, you know? Speaking of which, you might want to trust your instincts in this matter and check to see if you're somehow related to this guy of yours... or even seek hypnosis to find out the reason you're reacting to him as you are. Is he sexually attracted to you do you think?
You sound EXACTLY like my ex.
I could be with her forever, we planned a future together, getting married and kids. Sex at first was less than average for just starting off. Then as the years went on, it became even less. Eventually she didn't want to do it anymore and only did it to please me. She then went on to believe that sex is an act for making babies, and it doesn't necessarily need to be in the relationship. We broke up, not just that, but because she lost the FEELINGS for me. I think she just didn't find me sexually attractive. But my smile was something she could not live without.
We were each other's first doing it. And unfortunately I have no way of knowing if it was just ME or if she's just that kind of person that doesn't want sex. And all I can suggest is go to a sex therapist (i've contemplated about it for awhile, but never did). If his sexual appetite is not on the same level with you, I'm afraid to say that it will just get worse down the road.
If you can, you should keep me updated. I feel like I went down the exact same path. I only hope you two are able to fix a situation that I could not.
I wonder whether this is a "him" thing or a "you" thing.
You say you find him attractive otherwise - but then stop finding him attractive right before sex. This makes me wonder whether there's an underlying psychological issue at play... like a new discomfort with sex that you haven't realized on a conscious level. It just seems odd that you'd find him attractive unless you're actually at the point of having sex.
I don't know, obviously, but it's something to think about.
He's obviously the perfect on paper type, but not the kind of guy you have chemistry with. That sucks.
Totally feel you on this one.
I was sexually attracted to my girlfriend in the beginning of our relationship and back then the sex was a daily ritual. But as the years go by, and the years does do some damage on the body, she isn't as physically appealing to me as she used to be. I still love her, though: I encourage her to exercise and eat right, and to be more active.However, I am a sex fiend, and the fact that I'm not attracted to my GF doesn't stop my libido; it just doesn't make it that appealing.
So yeah, you can either bite the bullet for this relationship, openly communicate with him about the problem you're having about him, or move on.
i could care less about sex. i'm sexually attracted to one single person, and i can't have him. the thought of being with another man sexually absolutely disgusts me. i'm not really a sexual person. at one point in my relationship with that one man, i didn't want sex. i did it, yeah, but i really wasn't the one to start it. i hardly ever am. i don't need sex, and since i'm not going to be having it now that we're not together anymore, i don't really care.
@RestlessPhoenix@xanga - it definitely could be that. i'm thinkin all my weird sexual/relationship issues are all in my head too.
@heyybeautifull@xanga - I mean... it happens? I have a few friends with "sex issues" too, so I've seen it a couple of times.
omg! i just needed to say i didn't know people who didn't need sex in a relationship existed!!! not to be offended or anything!
If sex isn't a big deal to you or to him, and if it doesn't rule your relationship, then stay with him and don't concern yourself about having sex.
There are so many factors, points of view on this topic and angles at which you could approach a solution to your issue.
Best advice I could come up with: google it, join a forum, search for "solutions." OR/AND talk to him. Tell him how you feel. No one is a better advice-giver than the other person involved... +1 if the other person happens to be your mate (which, in this case, he is! go you!)
I'd suggest talking to a sex therapist. They could probably help you uncover reasons as to why you feel the way you do. Has anyone else every made you feel desire in a sexual way?
Introduce him to David DeAngelo, who will drill him on becoming more sexually attractive.
http://www.doubleyourdating.com/catalog/index.html?s=54073&sbid=fjPyL#
Maybe you just don't like having sex with men. I mean, you can find anybody appealing.. female or male. If someone has a nice smile or a charming personality, you would want to be friends with them. And you can love a friend too. But if you find that you aren't that sexually attracted to men.. then maybe it's because you're sexually attracted to women.
I wouldn't date a guy that I wasn't sexually attracted to.. but I can see myself in the future with certain friends. Without sex... iunno, i guess you might as well become roommates. Unless you're asexual, that's totally different.
Doggie style. You don't have to look.
I am most attracted to my dude when he is releasing. To have masculinity poured on your body while your partner is literally helpless before his natural desire... it is incredible to me. I guess sex is more of a dominance/power play for me, but not wholly so. I could go on and on about that, but for the sake of this comment box, I won't.
I've been in the same situation....I had a guy friend named Will who was my bestest guy friend and then he wanted to take things further....I felt I should give him a chance since he was a really nice guy (someone I could see myself marrying, having kids, etc...). Plus, I thought that if I said no, it would ruin our relationship, but then I was thinking but if it doesn't work, that might ruin our relationship too...So I went out with him and realized he was everything I would want in a guy except I am not sexually attracted to him....like at all, I couldn't even kiss him (closest I got was cuddling and hugging)...and that's when I realized, I have to have chemistry with the guy I am with or else he ends up being friend-zoned (which is why he always remained just a good friend to me up until he asked me out) Luckily, he saw that too and broke it off with me (I didn't want to do it cause I didn't want to hurt him or our friendship) and we are still friends (not as close as we were before, mainly cause he has a gf now, but yeah)
Do yourself and him a favor by either 1. getting over it and choosing to (pardon my french) fuck the daylights out of him OR 2. breaking up!
Based on your post, it would seem #1 is very unlikely, so I would get along with #2 ASAP. I would be absolutely livid if a girlfriend stayed with me and led me on to marriage in spite of not being sexually attracted to me. Of course I'd like to think if I got an inkling of a woman doing that to me, I'd be finding satisfying sex elsewhere.
P.S - Have you thought about therapy to delve into whether you are sub-consciously repressing your sexuality?!?
P.S.S. - Maybe you and he are candidates for an open marriage? If you and he are compatible in every other way, but not sex, maybe that's an option. Would you be jealous if he slept with other women since you claim not to be attracted to him?
Maybe you have lost respect for him? I think that because you said, you can't look at him during sex.
There can't be a romantic relationship without sexual attraction (for very long)
I felt like that with my second ex. He was/is a good-looking guy, but I never felt the urge to do anything sexual with him. However, after meeting my current boyfriend... it's been amazing. Maybe you just need to find the right guy?
poor guy..
have you told him this? you should definitely at least talk to him about it. as in...it would be really wrong of you not to. he has a right to know, as your bf.
Perhaps its how he approaches sex that is unattractive? And the way he goes about it makes you completely turned off? I can find someone really attractive but if they aren't dominate in the sexual way that I like, I'm turned off and I won't want anything to deal with them, but doesn't mean they don't make a good partner who is physically attractive. I think life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't completely fulfill you. Unless you are truly happy without satisfying sex, depends on how important it is to you.
I kind of am in the same situation, but with one slight difference: I USED to be sexually attracted to my boyfriend. I mean, I guess I kind of still am, but I am on a BCP that (unfortunately) lowers my sex drive. Not only does it lower my sex drive, but it makes me not really attracted to him. I wish going off my BCP were an option, but it isn't. I am making a conscience effort to mentally change my attitude about it, and it has started to make a little difference.
But like you, apart from sex, I'm crazy about him :)