Wednesday, 13 July 2011
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Are Culture and Religion Factors In Who You Date?
I'm Jewish and in the United States I make up 1.71% out of a total of 309,000,000 people. Being a minority as well as a part of a religion that was almost extinct and still on its way, my family believes in the importance of marrying within the faith.For a completely modern group of people who aren't religious at all and go to temple only on the high holidays, they are set on the idea of me staying within my religion.Since the age of 7 when I had my first real crush on a very adorable catholic boy, I was told by my mother that I couldn't like him that way. I could like him as a friend but I should have a crush on someone who is Jewish. At 7 I found this idea completely crushing and still do. What if I met and fell in love with someone who wasn't? What happens then? My parents state that I shouldn't start, don't string along a boy with no intentions of any future.
To them, marrying someone Jewish isn't for the purpose of being religious, but keeping the culture alive. Because there was and still is so much hate that surrounds this particular religion they want their children to keep it going or else sooner or later the religion will become extinct and the deaths of our ancestors will go without purpose. While I get this idea, it has prevented me from dating all different types of guys and has lowered my ability to date who I want. It also frustrates me because I can't date without the thought of a future and this realistic thinking takes away from the romance of falling in love.
I was raised to make sure the qualities of someone I want to marry, date, or even look at, correlate with a mental list I had to develop over the years is absolutely exhausting. Yet I want to please my parents who have sacrificed so much for me. I'm stuck with less options and burdened with thoughts of marriage before I even know what I want. While we live in a modern world I believe we are all effected by what our parents want for us and our opinions are in favor of pleasing them. Even though I am not religious I believe the culture has a hand to play in this and while it wouldn't effect me now, it would later on when raising a family.
Would you give up love so you could keep religion alive? Would you go along with what your parents want and try to find love within your own religion?
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About the Author
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- From: CarlyPaige
- About Me: Currently I am a college student studying English and Education. A true monogamist, I have only had 2 serious boyfriends but have been single for 2 years. The dating scene in college is complicated to say the least and here I will share with you my experiences, my friends experiences, both past and present as an example of what to do when confronted with awkwardness, confusion and love.
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Comments (75)
My boyfriend is from China and I'm from the U.S..pretty major difference there if you ask me. Even though we have different cultures and religions we compromise. We don't try to change each other, and we definitely aren't willing to give up any part of ourselves. We work together, and if we have a disagreement, we try to work through the problem no matter how tough it is.
They were before I fell in love with my bf. But not anymore. My bf of 9 years is neither Bengali nor Muslim. Although I know my parents will never accept him and I owe them so much, I believe that true love should never be forbidden.
My boyfriend is Jewish. His family isn't deeply religious and are perfectly fine with me not being Jewish. In fact, I'm an atheist.
From what I understand, the lineage in Judaism is maternal so your children would still be Jewish regardless of who you marry.
In the end, it's your decision and nothing is stopping you from teaching your children about Judaism. While I won't consider conversion given what I don't believe, nor am I being pressured to anyway, you could always ask your marriage prospect if conversion is an option. I hear the conversion is a lengthy process though. But if it means that much to you and your family, it's an idea.
Or, you could try dating Jewish boys. It's a small pool of people but if you're in college there might be a Jewish fraternity or a student organization. It's worth a shot, but if you feel too limited than don't limit yourself.
Or, you could just love who you want to love. I'm sure your family will love you the same.
I'm not a religious person, I don't belong to any religion.
Frankly, I'd like to say I wouldn't judge by religion, but that would be a lie because I can't stand Christianity.. so I couldn't date or be close friends with a Christian. xD
How could I be friends or in a relationship with someone when they truly believe that I'm going to burn in hell for not conforming to their religion?
It'd be a half-assed friendship!
It's okay for you'n'me to be amigos on Earth, but, btw, when we die, I'm going to heaven and you're rotting in hell! Sorry 'bout your luck, shoulda just conformed, bitch!
I'm just one of those people who don't believe in casual relationships; I don't have one-night stands, or frenemies, or casual friends.
I usually have one best friend and that's it.
And I like it that way, I'd rather have one friend whom I really close to, than a whole cadre of people that aren't really good friends.
Like the other day, some bloke gave me his number.. found out he was a hardcore Christian... and that was the end of that!
I feel kind of like it's bad to be the way I am, but I can't help it.. blegh.
Then again, it probably works both ways, when Christians find out I don't believe in their religion, they aren't exactly going to want to buddy-buddy with me anyways!
I suppose it's not just Christianity though, to be fair, any religion that condemns me to eternal suffering if I don't conform is a religion I won't tolerate... REBEL AT HEART, I guess!
oh, i feel your pain. my family is heavily catholic, however, i lost faith and can't muster up the courage to tell my parents. but they expect me to marry another catholic or convert whomever i marry. my current boyfriend is buddhist, and my parents know that, and they already have notions in their heads that i must somehow convert him, or at least take him to church with me. it's quite frustrating. >.<
But screw that.
I'm gonna marry who I want.
Idk, Religion is a factor, but I'm not so much driven by what my parents want, than I am driven by what I want. While, I'm sure my parents would be happy about it, I chose to be a Christian so choosing to marry a Christian is also my decision. Culture doesn't really matter to me. With that said, I am good friends with people who aren't Christian. I just know that I want my partner to share the same faith as me because my faith does play a really big role in my life.
I was once told by my dad, "If you just want to date around with people of different races, that's fine. But, you have to marry a Chinese girl. We have to keep our reputation up, our blood pure." And after hearing that, I found it completely ridiculous. Of course, that was during the time I dated a Catholic Irish girl with no intentions of getting married (I was 14 at the time).
He's more relaxed now, knowing that you can't control who you fall in love with. And that as long as the relationship is healthy and that we are happy, it will be okay.
As for personal, I don't mind dating someone from a different religious background (so as long as they do not try to convert me). I keep my religion to myself and only talk about it when someone else brings it up and ask questions in hopes of gaining a better understanding. I once had a girlfriend who tried to convert me to Catholicism by convincing me to go to church with her and to show me what Jesus Christ can do for me. I told her that I won't feel any different and will stick to being Buddhist. Of course, now that I think about it, I could have just agreed to go, sit through church and then tell her that I don't feel any different.
I'm pretty multi-faithed but I have a stronger connection to Hinduism. My boyfriend likes to identify himself as being Agnostic. But thankfully he is very open minded and he has even done some meditating with me on two occasions. I do not think he will convert or anything, but I am perfectly fine with that. As long as he doesn't start to come down on me and my beliefs, I am fine with everything about him. In fact, we can have very intelligent conversations because of our different views, and we take each other's views into consideration. I think it just depends on how you feel, if you're open-minded enough to let someone who isn't (or is) religious, then go for it! But if you feel as though you may fight then steer clear.
Also my mom was Anglican and my dad was Athiest (although he's like me and is trying to find some sort of spiritual identity). So that's two generations of mixed views! (However my mom and my dad are not together, but I also have a cousin who is also Anglican and her husband is Athiest, and they have been together for twenty-five years. So it can work, as long as both of you keep an open mind.)
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - I find your comment amusing because I'm Buddhist too. A girlfriend at that time, who was Catholic, tried to convert me. It didn't work.
I'm driven by what I want, not what my parents want.
For me, religious and cultural ideologies are fine, as long as they are compatable with science and reason. The issue obviously comes in because many of these ideologies aren't. I could not get in a relationship with someone who wants to enforce fallacies and delusions on our relationship and/or our children.
Religion and culture can be a factor... depending on the specifics...
For example... I wouldn't date someone who would require that I CHANGE religions (especially to something well outside my own belief system) to marry them...
I wouldn't date someone from a culture that did things or treated certain people in ways that made me uncomfortable.
But for the most part... that sort of thing doesn't bother me as long as they're able to respect my beliefs/upbringing.
I'm not religous, but I wouldn't want to date someone who is. I don't want to have to get down on my knees and pray daily or go to church every few days. I can be a good person without doing all that.
I can't stand extremists who are religious or anti-religious. if I happen to like a guy, who is religious, then as long as he doesn't constantly preach or try to discipline me, then believe whatever he wants. if he can't keep religion out of conversation because it is important to him, then don't date me. I don't really see it as a loss if I don't date him either:P I think they are mostly delusional and schizophrenic when they talk about an invisible being, but to each their own. I just can't stand them. I'm more into science and proven facts. I love those investigative crime tv shows where they crack cold cases with hard evidence
anyway just because he isn't an extremist doesn't mean that I'll favor him either. everything else that matters factors into his overall appeal.
when i was younger, i was so concerned about finding a guy with a the same religion as me but as i got older, even though he might not believe in the same thing i believe in, it could be something we can both experience together.
culture nor religion is a factor for me. as long as we get along and respect each other and whatever differences that we may have.
Was hoping you would rebel and date him anyways.
I'm Catholic and I want to get married in the Catholic church. It's how I was raised and if you want to be married in the church, your husband must make a promise to raise the children Catholic if he isn't Catholic. My dad did this when he married my mom. My dad's side of the family is Protestant and my mom's whole side is strictly Catholic. I want to carry on my faith that I was raised with, but I wouldn't not date a guy who wasn't Catholic.
I'm about to disagree with just about every single person here. I am a Christian. To me, this is a lifestyle, not just an organization or another line on your about me. Therefore, I want someone who is hardcore about the faith because our lifestyles would "theoretically" be more compatible. But that's me. Have I dated non-Christians? yes. And they were nice, but that was ultimately why we broke up. and my views on purity.
well, I'm an atheist, so no
I'm an atheist and I would never date a religious person. I can be great friends with religious people, but when it comes right down to it I feel like I'm a really logical and rational person and I feel like religion is irrational.
I also feel like Religion becomes the base belief on which all the other person's beliefs rest, which is fine except it means that all of their other beliefs are likely to be very different from mine. It changes how people feel about gay rights, birth control, abortion, marriage, sex, the death penalty, etc. I've found lots of religious people whose beliefs about other things are very similar to my own which is why I can be friends with them, but when it comes right down to it I just can't spend the rest of my life with someone who believes in a religion. If someone believes in some sort of higher power or "God," that's more acceptable to me, but if someone believes in one specific religion as being the only "right" religion, I can't be with them. I find all religions to be really interesting and I feel like if everyone actually studied a few of the major religions they would realize that there's no way that there's only one religion that is right - which means they're all wrong.
Yes, it is important to me, and should be to everyone, that their spouse shares their same beliefs, because they are the frame through which we see the world. However, in your case, you aren't actually religious, though you use the term Jewish, it's clear that you don't take the religion part very seriously- sounds like your parents don't either, so really, what they're trying to preserve is a bloodline. Eh. If it's not important to you, I wouldn't worry about it. And it shouldn't be hard to find somebody who also doesn't really care about religion.
I totally understand where you're coming from with the parents situation. I was raised Christian, and while I still consider myself one, I do not strictly follow all that I was raised to. My boyfriend wants me to live with him, and while I really want to, I am terrified to tell my parents. My mother would be SO disappointed. Sometimes I think "Girl, just do what you want!" and other times I think about what will happen when I tell my parents I'm moving with him and start to question the whole thing all over again. However, this is the person you will spend your life with. You don't want to settle. I say, date whoever you want to. If he's Jewish, great, if not, fine. Just make sure he's everything you want in a man.
I am also much more tolerant of other views than I was taught to be. I don't always understand them, but religion isn't a huge factor in who I date. As long as he can respect my beliefs, I can respect his. My boyfriend is agnostic, and it has yet to become a problem, because he doesn't try to change my mind and I don't try to change his.
You could always try J Date. ;)
I'm an agnostic-atheist and I couldn't see myself being with someone super religious just because of the view point differences in a lot of important issues. My husband has the same views as me and it works out wonderfully. One of the main reasons is because we know how we will raise our children. If you want to raise children together, unless you agree to practice/teach both or one of you converts, then it's a good idea to find someone with the same views and beliefs as you.