Wednesday, 13 July 2011
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Your First Love: When is it Time to Let Go?
Most women my age have all seen an episode or two and if so, you more than likely know the up-and-down love story of Carrie and Big. He was her first "Big" love and despite how many times he and his commitment-phobic ways emotionally destroyed her, she kept going back every time. In the long-run, after nine or ten seasons, a handful of marriages and infidelities on his part, and a pair of cold in the first of two movies, Carrie and Big's romance seems to be cemented into permanency.But let's think about this in terms of real life.
My first love was, what I thought, the most perfect human being to ever walk the earth and he could do no wrong in my eyes, despite several people informing me of his cheating and womanizing ways. I couldn't bring myself to believe that this person, who proclaimed his undying love for me on a daily basis could have the nerve to run around on me. That was my own stupidity. I was so blinded by love that I couldn't accept the sad facts of reality and those facts were: he was a cheater, he didn't love me, and he only started dating me to get into my pants.
The first claims of infidelity came after three months of dating when a close friend told me his brother had a party and my boyfriend had attended and had hooked up with one of the sluttiest girls in school - not to mention the fact that at the time, he was eighteen and she was barely fourteen. This was something I had problems believing, which I should have. The second strike was when we were at the fire department where he volunteered one afternoon and he began receiving text messages from a girl we mutually knew, saying things like, "Hey baby". After everything with the party and my suspicions over it, I burst into tears and demanded he never talk to her again. We broke up the first time that November, after six months of dating.
Two weeks later, he came over to my house and, once again, professed his undying love for me and explained how badly he wanted to be with me and how horribly he messed up and said he would never do it again. A couple of weeks after that, the day after New Year's, he sent me a message admitting to kissing another girl on New Year's Eve. I was immediately livid and despite multiple calls, he never answered the phone, claiming to be busy and at the fire department.
A few days after that, I began writing on a social networking site about how I had met someone else and how wonderful he was and things like that. It was actually one of my ex's best friends. My ex saw these messages and began immediately messaging me, admitting that he was jealous and he really did want to be with me. We got back together and then a couple of weeks later, he stopped talking to me all together and I had to find out through his sister that he had a new girlfriend.
Even through all that bullshit, I still hadn't found closure in this relationship. I knew the last time we broke up was the last time, but there was still no closure. So, a couple of months later, after everything had died down and the pieces of our relationship that were left were now in rubble, I met up with him to talk about things and to see if he would own up to any of the infidelities I had heard about. I knew hearing those things would help me move on.
He admitted to having sex with the girl from my friend's party and a couple of other indiscretions. I began weeping and he became uncomfortable. Then, he (who had a girlfriend at the time) asked if we were going to do anything sexual because if not, he needed to go back to work. This is the moment I knew.
So, I ask you these things: at what point is it time to let go of your first love? Are you still with your first love? What gave you that moment of closure where you knew that it was done for good?
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- From: jesshinson
- Name: J. Hinson
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- About Me: I'm 20-years-old and age is not but a number when it comes to my wisdom. Writing is one of the few things I genuinely love in life.
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Comments (32)
Yup I'm going through that too. Not all the cheating, but using.
God it's hard to let go and I doubt I will until I have no choice.
@ShamelessHope@xanga - I basically had no choice but to let go the last time. He had moved onto someone else so it was time for me to as well.
I never had a girlfriend, but possibly two or three may ended up being my 1st
two when I was 19, one asked me out of the blue, the other I went to school with during secondary school, met her again at the same training proivder, knew she had a boyfriend already and try to come onto me.
One last year, wanted to marry me, unsure whether or not she had a boyfriend or not, she did asked me whether I had a girlfriend back at home, she probably knew someone who was single or she was single and liked me .
for me their is no moment of closure. and honestly they're spread very far apart. its pretty much me finally accepting "its done" and i only get over that person- when i go out with someone better for me./my life.
So, I ask you these things: at what point is it time to let go of your first love? Are you still with your first love? What gave you that moment of closure where you knew that it was done for good?
I think my first love may be a little different from most. He passed away from a drunk driving accident and we were together for 3 years. I'm married now and my husband and I are due to have a son tomorrow, but I still feel like I never truly got any closure from my first relationship (I've only ever been with him and my husband) so in a lot of ways I guess you could say I haven't let go of him. I personally feel like (and maybe it's because of my own circumstances), as long as holding on to that little piece of your first love isn't going to eat away at your life or hurt your current relationship, there's no problem with it. In my opinion, our first loves really help shape us as people and have a bigger effect on us than we like to think, so it's natural to hold onto it a little bit :)
@CecilliaMarie@xanga - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, but it's nice to see that you've got your life working out for you. Congrats on the baby as well :)
I'm not with my first love, I'm not even sure what I felt for him was true love. But like Carrie and Big's relationship, we were off-and-on for years. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the first man to see me naked, and the first person to break my heart. We went through phases where we would talk to one another and think about getting back together, then all of a sudden he would find some other girl his father liked or I would date a guy who was so unlike him that it pushed him away. Somehow we always found our way back to one another, usually when we were single, only sometimes when we were with someone else. We asked around about one another, stalked each other's Myspace and even talked to each other's exes. When he heard that one of my exes had cheated on me, he sent him a message on Myspace in that typical protective fashion. My ex never told me, I didn't even find out until a year later.
I broke up with my "first love" in October of 2009. It was the last time we would ever be together as a couple, but we continued talking until December. We would flirt, we'd sext, we'd talk about being friends for a little bit more before getting back together again. But because of something that happened in August of the same year, I knew I would never want to be with him again. I knew that no matter what he said or did we wouldn't be the same people we'd been over the past four years of our relationship. He spent months trying to change me, my mind and our relationship. In the end a single sentence ended what was left of our friendship. Two days after we stopped talking I met the man that became my husband less than a year later. We've now been married for eleven months and in November I'll give birth to our son, our first child.
I still dream of my ex. I still check out his Facebook every now and then. Even though things are over between us and I would never want to be with him again, I don't think we ever got closure. A few months ago his girlfriend at the time found me on Facebook and started talking to me. She told me about how he told her about me, about how I was that big relationship in his life and what I meant to him. I never told my husband about my first love, I didn't think it was important. What we had was emotionally draining now that I look back on it, it was unstable and it made us weak. In the end I think we just kept coming back to one another because it was the easy thing to do. I miss talking to him and I think there will always be a part of me that's his and his alone, but it's over between us. We are each other's first love, but not each other's last.
@jesshinson09@xanga - Thank you!
@JEDIJESSICUH@xanga - I hope you write for this site and if not, then you need to. That was a very powerful story you shared, sounded much like a movie or a Nicholas Sparks book. Thank you so much for sharing :)
I guess I lucked out because my first love is from very opposite ends of what you're describing. My boyfriend has never showed any hint of infidelity, and I know that by his heart and monongomous nature that chances are likely he would never do such a thing to me or any other girl for that matter.
But I have had times when I thought I was in love or felt very strongly about a person that treated me badly. I've seen it a dozen times over, in so many others and first hand, and it's sickening how easily emotions can manipulate to allow treatment we would never allow otherwise. We rationalize, forgive, try and forget--whatever it takes to "make it work," because we are so attached to that person. Unfortunately, letting go of that person seems like an impossible task and seems to happen not from us really making the effort to let go, but because of some other external factor, such as the one you "love" finding another person.
And the reason I put "love" in quotation marks is because I find it hard to believe people truly love these types of people. It may be a crazy love-sick infatuation, or a strong comfort you have not found elsewhere, but love, at least to me, can't be categorized by these types of people. Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't see myself ever truly loving someone that not only treats me so terribly, but just a person in general that poorly. If you can repetitively hurt someone you claim to care about, well, I'm sorry, you're just not lovable in my book. Love takes work, commitment, respect and care.
OP I'm sorry you got mixed up with that guy, but at least you can finally see him for who he truly is. There are better out there :)!
There are two people who I don't think I'll ever completely get over. I can't figure out exactly what the emotions are that I have for them. I think it's some combination of love, longing, deep sadness and nostalgia. I've had feelings for one person for 8 years, and completely unrequited, impossible feelings for another for 12 years. The former is my ex-girlfriend; she was my first relationship, and I wanted to marry her. The latter was a married teacher of mine. If my feelings for these people haven't gone away by now, I don't think they ever will.
@reesa14@xanga - Fortunately, the man I've chosen to marry is the complete opposite of the aforementioned boyfriend. He's honest, and much like yours: faithful and monogamous. Back when I was dating the cheater, I could imagine building a life with him: marriage, kids, etc. But now I'm glad I didn't, because I would have missed out on the wonderful thing I have now and I would be possibly even more heartbroken than I was before.
@jesshinson - yessss! Isn't it such a drastic difference? To actually feel loved, cared for, wanted, and appreciated. It's a freaking beautiful thing. And I'm glad that I had the doucebags before because I know to not take my man for granted.
I've just recently started to let go of my first love after 2 1/2 years of on-and-off dating. It's only been about a month so I feel pretty awful at times.
@anenigmaofsorts@xanga - It's a horrible feeling, I'm not going to lie. The first time me and my ex broke up, I cried until the color drained out of my face, had no appetite, wouldn't leave my room, and when I went to school, I wouldn't do anything with my hair or makeup and I was wearing a hoodie and jeans every day. I dropped a massive amount of weight and to be honest, it hurt mentally, physically, emotionally, and at times spiritually because it made me question my beliefs in God (as dramatic as that sounds). Overall, it made me stronger as a person and you'll find in the future that it will make you stronger as well :)
I'm responding to the question before reading the entry...just so you know lol.
God no I'm not with my first love anymore. At what point did I know it was over? When he dropped me off at school one day after throwing me around like a ragdoll because I refused to do something for him. Slapped me a couple times on the 3 mile drive, but that wasn't the worst of it.
I realize it sounds terrible and horrible and ridiculous. I needed counseling afterwards. Three years later I'm doing real well. I had problems for so long from lack of real closure, as well as the abuse.
Also, because of him, I will say that I don't have a first love. I have loved all three of my boyfriends at different times, but I refuse to acknowledge him as my "first love" in the way most people mean it.
@ForeverLove_xx@xanga - Wow, that kind of situation sounds frightening, but I'm glad you're doing better and hope you continue to grow stronger through everything that happened to you. There's nowhere to go but up!
I gave her a 2nd chance. After the first 3 months, she liked a high school teacher and flirted with him and it got pretty bad but she didnt physically do anythin with him. I could rant on a long list, but she basically did it for the whole school year. and she kept denying it but eventually admitted it after the school year, and our relationship couldve ended there, but i gave her a 2nd chance. dated her for another 3 years.. then she broke up with me for another guy. im mature, so after getting some closure (i wanted an honest final answer face-to-face that she doesnt want me back ever) then i began the "moving on" process. its been 5 months and we barely talk, we havent seen or spoken in about 2 months.
Let them go when they don't want you back anymore. People break up for a REASON, and in most cases, it is good to stay broken up and move on. You only go back to that person because of the familiarity. But it's much better to move on after a break up and have a fresh start with someone new.
for me, he wasn't my first love but close to it and it's been about a year now and i don't know if i could forget him yet even though i'm seeing other people, he lives in the back of head and my heart all the time and he sends small reminder of what we had and could have had. it makes me sick sometimes bc he broke up with me and even though i should be able to move on, i can't.
First love.
He gave me his virginity.
I gave him mine.
We had future plans.
He considered (and asked me) my opinion with regards to him taking a job that may effect our future family.
We've been off and on for four years.
He cheated on me MULTIPLE times.
He has the WORST personality when it comes to dating.
He's most likely a sociopath.
Anyway....
I still haven't let him go.
I'm still VERY hung up on him.
:/
I know he's not perfect.
I still find him extremely attractive in so many ways.
But... idk... could be that I gave him my v-card and we both shared that moment and experience with each other... but I just CAN'T let him go. :( it truly depresses me.
@jesshinson - I know the feeling. I've had the same reaction a couple times after breaking up with my first love. Like I said, it was on/off for four years... so that was a LOT of breaking up. lol Eventually, I got over the break ups because we would always just go back to being friends. But, this most recent "break up" ended up taking our friendship.... :( I'm rather depressed.
There were people who I've had major infatuations with, but I'd have to say I've never experienced a first love until almost two years ago and we're still hanging out to this day. We're not official, but he's been the only guy to see me at my lowest of the lowest points whether or not it had to do with him and helped me get through everything.
Like most friends, I've had quarrels with him, too. It was never because of infidelity or anything like that, we just got into arguments about things and would go with months without talking. Finally this past year we decided to not let 2010 and the past get to us and it's been an amazing 2011 with him.
Most guys, even people who I thought were my friends, when I'm not in a good place in life right now, he's trying to help me through it more than any of my so-called friends have.
I am with my first and final love. It's different for everyone, and you should have let go after the first time you guys broke up. But better now than never. =)
We always seem to go back to each other no matter how long we've stopped talking so we finally put the differences aside. I haven't let go yet. When we weren't talking, I felt it was more wrong to let go and that it would be a big mistake if I did and I've never felt that way about someone at all until him so I'm not quite sure what that means. I've been able to let go of other people in the past when we stopped talking but i'm not quite sure why I couldn't let him go when we weren't talking. Luckily things really are better than ever and I hope I don't have to let go. If it's not about anything abusive or another girl in the picture, I'll still give him another chance, but when he starts to walk all over me for someone else, that's when I would probably let go.
My first love was a drug addict (alcohol, cocaine) and went to prison for two years on a drug violation because he already had 13 felonies. Yeah. 13. I broke up with him while he was in prison.
I just found his mug shot recently online, he was evading the police with some other guy, carrying a gun.I don't even smoke pot, I don't know how I put up with his shit for so long.My boyfriend now is the best guy I've ever met, and he's the first one I've actually signed a lease with, put his name on my bank account, plan on marrying him, etc.