One of my best friends frequently tells me that making a list of romantic preferences--physical attractiveness, intelligence, and so on--is a waste of time.
"You'll throw your list out the window when you meet the right person," she says.
Such a list of
standards is beneficial, sure. It's important to know what you're looking for in a romantic partner. But clinging to a list of preferences as though they are necessary requirements can be a narrow-minded and very limiting way of seeking out a partner.
As it turns out, I'm discovering that having a list of standards can be just as useless.
On the one hand, I've found that I fancy one of my friends whose characteristics don't remotely fit within my range of standards. We laugh at the same things and have a lot in common. We
click, but because of some major differences, like religious beliefs, a relationship between us would never work out. Nevertheless, that doesn't stop me from liking her.
On the other hand,
I know someone who meets my list of standards in virtually every way. She's brilliant, strong-willed, friendly, and has a host of other qualities that, on paper, make her the perfect girl for me. There's just one problem:
I don't fancy her--not romantically, anyway.
What's the difference between the way I interact with one girl and the way I interact with the other? Chemistry.
It's chemistry--that spark, that can't-be-fabricated romantic attraction--that makes the difference between being in the friend zone (despite meeting my romantic standards) and simply being attracted to someone (whom I cannot date). It's chemistry that can make those lists of preferences and standards ineffective...so, in one sense, my best friend was right.
I suppose the point to all of this is that such lists in and of themselves aren't enough to cultivate a solid romantic relationship, nor is mere chemistry.
Knowing what you want in a partner and feeling genuine romantic interest toward him/her--together, working in tandem--these seem to be reliable ingredients for the foundation of a strong relationship.
Do you have a mental list of standards for what to look for in a partner? What kind of chemistry do you have with your SO?
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Comments (10)
I have great chemistry with him. ;) Though I never really had any kinds of lists for potential bfs.
i have a list. but well, even if the guy has all i want... doesnt mean he or i will be into each other. which sucks. lol. i was recently interested in a guy and we finally hung out. it was a bar that turned out to be very club vibe, so loud that we could hardly hear each other and so dark. worst place ever to meet someone to which ended awkward. i think environment has a part to play as well. so yeah, we hardly talk anymore. lol. i think if we had met somewhere quiet, things would have been different. at least know for certain if there was something there at all.
I have some (easy to follow) standards: don't treat me or other people like shit, be open and honest, and most importantly, just have a good time.
No list, like your friend I think it's an exercise in futility. You are attracted to what you're attracted to. And you'll know it when it walks in the door.
i do but it seems like when i meet someone i like, that mental list just gets thrown away. i think we all know what we want and are looking for, i think when we look at the person we're in love with, they're everything we want even if we don't think they meet all our guidelines but we accept them for who they are.
the guy that I like has almost everything that I'm looking for-physical and mental connection, except he can't really spell but I'm trying to look past that and sometimes think it is adorable that he's a bit dyslexic. the guys in my past were more intelligent but mostly arrogant, so I find this guy endearing
or it is trivial matters and I don't mind it because I've already fallen for him
I just started a relationship with a girl I met a month ago after having a crush on her friend (who mind you is the one who set us up), and the girl I'm with wouldn't fit on my "criteria list" you documented above, but we have the spark, that chemical startup that I think is sort of necessary. But it also takes guts and a willingness to accept that spark as well. You can chase an ideal for so long, but sometimes the best things in life are placed right before you and they lead to some great great results.
Just like in a chemistry lab, don't discard your filtrate because what you are really looking for might be in the filter flask instead of the buchner funnel.
I used to have a mental list, but it does usually end up going out the window when I meet someone that I instantly "click" with. However, there are certain things I've learned from past relationships that I really want in a new relationship. For example, my ex was totally controlling and I vowed to never date a guy like that again. When my current boyfriend proved to me that he was completely trusting of me, it just added to his long-term potential. Chemistry is definitely important, but there are some things people
ignore at the beginning of a relationship, just because they really like
that person.Those are the things that pop up later and end up causing problems, and sometimes the end of the relationship.
I have my list in my head that I may count off from time to time, but I'm currently engaged to a guy who has tattoos (nono for me), who is trying to quit smoking but still smoking regularly (i have history of cancer, so...a nono), an only child (aaaaaccccckkkk), hairy *(omg, he's always hot and I'm always cold, he's Italian and I'm Korean, so what?), like to gamble every now and then (he says it's more for the psychology and knowing he can win $$ but geez), holds his drink VERY well (i prob wouldn't drink as much now if he didn't), and THOSE qualities ALONE would all be very good deal breakers for me.
BUT when I saw him, I fell in love with him then and there. More we saw each other, I made an executive decision. I love his height, his gentle-childish-brilliant-smartness, awkward grace, and probably the fact that we compliment each other very well. Before I met him, there was another guy a mutual friend was setting me up with, however despite their similar "flaws", I didn't click with him. In fact, he used to annoy me to the point where I'd have to remove myself FROM him so I don't end up throwing things AT him. Anyway, my fiance and we can be silly together; he understands me, and we have a similar twisted sense of humour. Don't know if that's a good thing but I've never been so MYSELF with another person who isn't my parents & brother. *shrug*
There are things I want that my ex didn't have. And I always think to myself that the next guy will have them, and he never does. But the thing of it was that, especially with my last ex, we had a dynamite chemical connection. There was a spark there that never flared out. I still love him and he still loves me because of that spark. Even though we're not together, it can't be denied that we're attracted to each other, for certain.