...doesn't mean I want to date you.
I recently decided to take a break from relationships to focus on my career and friendships. I had been hopping from one disasterous relationship into the next for almost a year, and my shoulder to cry on was in a constant need of clean, dry shirts.
My knight in shining armour could really not have come at a worse time in my life.
I met him at a party a few weeks back, and something about me apparently struck him, because he has been attempting to woo me ever since. It started out, I thought, harmlessly enough, when he asked me if I felt like grabbing lunch sometime.
I agreed, not realizing that his idea of "grabbing lunch" was taking me to an expensive restaurant and paying the whole bill. I argued and shoved the money toward him, but a few hours later I found it right back in my purse.
I explained to him that I feel extremely uncomfortable with him paying for me, as I am in no way interested in a date or dating, and would rather we make these "hang outs" quite clearly just that. I thought he agreed, so we decided to meet up again.
Yet again, he paid, explaining he was brought up to be a gentleman and would not let a lady pay. I felt extremely outside of my comfort zone, but chalked it off as his personality.
Then I got extremely sick and was hospitalized for a few days. He drove several hours down just to see me and bring me flowers. It was a sweet gesture, and my friends fell in love with him, but in addition to all that, the pressure was on.
"Why don't you date him?"
"He's so sweet, and oh my god is he handsome."
"You could not find a better guy, when are you guys going to date?"
"Don't let him get away! You're crazy if you do!"
"
Oh my god, can we clone him?"
There isn't a doubt in my mind that he is a very sweet, attractive, successful, and loving man. However those qualities alone do not mean I want to date him. For one, he has a quality I for one do not admire in a man, namely that he moves far too fast. Seeing a man four or five times within a group of people, and a couple of meet ups, does not mean I know him well enough to have a relationship with him. I personally feel that a relationship should be built on a solid friendship, and while I realize that different people move and think differently, that is just how I am, and I feel any man who wants to win my heart, should respect that.
I may know a bit about him, but not nearly enough.
I do not know how he thinks about certain issues, how he handles stressful situations, what he thinks and feels about controversial subjects, what he likes to do in his free time, what motivates him, what his goals are,
or anything that I feel I should know about someone I am in a steady relationship with.
For all intents and purposes
he is a great man with a heart of gold, with a fantastic, well-paying job with easy hours, and much love to offer, but that does NOT mean that he is right for me. I find it sad when society dictates that I should feel guilty or too picky for rejecting someone like that, just because he has so much going for him, or because I could do so much worse.
Just because you're a perfect man does not mean you are my perfect match. Do you ever meet people who seem perfect but aren't interested in dating them at all?
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Comments (18)
I agree with you that he's moving too quickly.
I hate it when people think you should date them because they feel like everything's going how they want it to go. It goes from cute to creepy in like .5 seconds.
yeah guys like that make me feel like they're just trying to win ... ANY girl. like hello i'm a person, and you don't actually know me. how do you even know YOU want ME?
You could just let him be a friend for a while. I had a guy refuse to let me pay for his birthday dinner, which was supposed to be MY treat. He ended up paying for both of us and said he couldn't let me pay or he'd be really upset with himself. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. And be clear- say "back off for a while." But you can't expect the perfect person to show up at the perfect time. He will always show up when you least expect/want it.
you know, when you told him how you are NOT comfortable in him paying for every meal like a date, he shouldn't have countered that as a gentleman he would not let a lady pay. It's undermining everything you have said about your comfort zone and respecting your opinions. Just because he's raised as a gentleman, does that mean he should ignore YOUR wishes when it comes to paying the bill on a hang out? It's not about whether or not he's moulding himself to be liked back but more he's likely to charm your friends of guilting you into dating him. Or he's showing off that as a gentleman, he wil continue to ignore your comfort boundaries and do things HIS way because he thinks he KNOWS how to "get" you.
He can be nice, sweet, charming all the heck he wants, if he's not your boyfriend and he can't even respect you to take you seriously, rather than provide some old-fashioned excuse to why he would rather pay in order to counter your opinion, then it just goes to show, his lack of listening skills cancels out his sweetness and undermining what YOU want cancels out his charming self. He keeps this up, just stop hanging out with him. Either he's being STUPIDLY ignorant about where you are in your life or he's hoping if he keeps at it, he'll have his way; whichever it is, it's clearly not involved with LISTENING skills.
He sounds like an old fashion gentleman to me those are few and far between it also sounds like he knows how to treat a gal like a lady. Nothing wrong with being old school
I also can't stand it when people don't understand that if you don't have a personal connection, no matter how nice and "old school" he is, it's not going to work out. It's not like you're saying that you want to be with a lazy, abusive asshole. The guy that you end up having a connection could be just as sweet and a gentleman as this guy but he will have that "spark" that you need in order to be interested further. My family is that way. They have always asked me why I don't date "a nice boy" for once. Because nice boys and I do not click. I can't stand mean, bitchy people either but I would scare a genuinely sweet boy away. My parents tend to forget that I am not the average girl so I cannot have an average guy. He has to be able to understand me in all my fucked up-ness and be honest and funny. I don't care if he doesn't pull out chairs for me or pays everytime. To some people those things are important but I have different priorities in my relationship.
he's really coming on too strong at the beginning, and isn't respecting your boundaries that you blatantly stated. that's a red flag. usually if something appears too "perfect"... be suspicious. be very suspicious. just saying.
if this is how you feel then say it exactly as you wrote it here to him. if he isn't being fake then he'll respect what you've told him.
just this one guy i met that i really liked but once i got to know him, even though he's perfect in every way, i didn't want be more than friends with him. i would hate always having to prove myself to him and trying to be so perfect all the time with him.
Amusingly, I'm sure you'll be the first one to bitch about how there's "no nice guys". Thanks for proving that girls don't actually want a guy who gives a damn about them.
^somewhere up there; I disagree that the author is going to bitch about there being a lack of nice guys. I'm sure she can appreciate chivalry but she clearly stated to him that she didn't want it and he didn't listen. I've had this happen to me before as well, and it wasn't until after that I realized the guy wasn't respecting my opinions or space and was simply pushing himself on me. There was one time during winter break, I like to sleep in and he came to my house unannounced with flowers and a guitar. Sweet, right? Too bad I didn't have time to eat, get dressed, or shower etc. I ended up feeling completely gross and disheveled as he sung his heart out to me while I held the flowers. :/
If he is going too fast in the early stages..it's not good. Not to mention, not having any kind of chemistry or personal physical attraction doesn't help a relationship either. I think if he is doing all of that, then it is all red flags especially if he doesn't respect your boundaries or wishes, etc;
hmmm.. i'd give him another chance, but be clear about you guys NOT yet dating. You're just hanging out. If he wishes to drive a few hours to see you, that's up to him, but you make sure that he knows your views about it.
"I do not know how he thinks about certain issues, how he
handles stressful situations, what he thinks and feels about
controversial subjects, what he likes to do in his free time, what
motivates him, what his goals are, or anything that I feel I should know about someone I am in a steady relationship with. "
Well, that's because you're not yet in a relationship with him and it's normal. That's what dating/friendship is for. If he's perfect, you should give him a chance. Over time, maybe some dates/hangouts, you'll know enough about him.
Right now, it seems you don't know him well enough to decide that he's not your perfect match. Nor if he is. Maybe you can find a more casual place to hang out with him so that he doesn't have to pay for anything.
But again, if you don't feel attracted to him at all.. then.... nevermind.
What the crap? Get him to take you shopping. GAHHH, he's buying you dinner, girl you better take advantage. You could probably get some new shoes out of him. I'm a terrible person.
ANYWAY, who the heck goes out to lunch with someone alone, who is of the opposite sex, who you kind of JUST MET, who isn't a childhood friend, and doesn't expect it to be a date? That's just CRAZY, the fact that you even went out with him probably makes him think you're interested in him. I'm sorry, but no matter how many times you tell him you just want to "hang out", he's not going to get that through his head if it's just the two of you hanging out. So you are the one at fault. Stop hanging out with JUST him, that's weird.
"Just because you're a perfect man does not mean you are my perfect match" u're right. As the 'perfect man' doesnt mean anything..
In my opinion.. who cares? Dating doesnt mean you are marrying the guy. Getting to know a guy.... that's what dating is for. It's for getting to know someone to see if you are compatible enough to get married. Dating doesn't have to mean you are stuck with the guy forever. If you dated him... then realized he wasn't the guy for you... then you break up and move on. I think you are way over thinking all of this. I mean, I get if you don't want to date because you are busy with a career or school or whatever. But to not date him because you don't know him well enough, I don't get that. That's what dating is for. I'd give him a chance. He seems like an actual decent guy, and those aren't always easy to find.
Perfect is boring.