Tuesday, 12 July 2011
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Racial Bias and Dating: How it Affects You
It's typical for the average person to deny racism and discredit it in their personal decisions, whether it be in the workplace or interpersonal situations. What most don't think about is how it relates to dating and the effect it has on our decisions and perception of potential mates. It's one of many factors that come into play when we decide whom we should trust and share our valuable time with.Racial bias, in my own words, is a predetermined sentiment toward a group of people based on race or color, which affects how we choose to view or trust members of these groups. It's often formed through anecdotal situations and susceptibility to a social hive mind.
We don't exclusively see physical attractiveness through money-green shades of envy and lust. Subconsciously, we're screening people based on our preconceptions. How many times have you heard an individual state that they're not into black women because of an attitude problem that's supposed to be inherent in all of them? That white women are too easy? Or that Asian men are out of the dating pool because they have inferior penises? I've even heard people state that they refuse to date Jewish women because they're obnoxious and greedy.
Few people stop and process this idea because they simply believe that the unattractiveness of an entire race is hardwired in their brains. It's how they function, and there's no rhyme or reason for it. However, in many cases, these subconscious feelings that make up racial or even social biases, directly play into who we choose to date or dismiss.
For example, a black woman growing up in a household that exhibits contempt for whites is more likely to shun the entire race instead of dating on an individual basis. In my second example, we have a white man who has previously dealt with black women at work and forms his opinion based on a couple of negative experiences from a miniscule sample size. He further analyzes this, and sees the media portrayal of black woman as strong, loud and discriminatory, which solidifies his belief that all black women must be the same, or that the majority are, so the risk isn't worth the time.
In both examples, these ideas are beaten into the subconsciousness of the individuals. Dating, relationships, and trust go hand-in-hand. You can't keep a partnership without the trust that holds it in place. If we were to simply analyze a lack of trust that stems from racial bias, it would branch out into separate sectors, one of which, of course, is selection.
While it would be nice to pretend it didn't exist, xenophobia hasn't ceased to be. It's mostly seen in families with a history of bias perhaps even dating back to 1800's slavery, but it's pretty common to fear that which is different; in this case, culture which is closely related to race. It's always easier to stick with what you grew up knowing and seeing, which is why interracial dating will never be fully accepted or ideal.
As I previously stated, this is only one of many factors, but it's a factor that should never be dismissed. Before you ostracize an entire race and claim that you would never date anyone within this group of people, stop and analyze why that is. Look at your past, write down your thoughts, mull over your feelings. It just might be that there's a definite reason behind why you're not attracted to an entire section of people, such as racial bias.
Have you ever stopped to think about this? Do you have any racial biases? Can you trace them back to a point in time?
Sincerely,
Nuñez Love Doctor.Certified with a PhD in Race and Sexual Relations.
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- From: AsylumBlue
- About Me: The musician in me is constantly dueling with my inner writer, trying to take its place. What I'm attempting to do is allow them to live harmoniously, but it seems that I'm a terrible peacemaker, because they haven't stopped bickering or flinging spit-balls at one another. I write political satire, short stories, poems and... actually, I can pretty much write about anything; I'm flexible (not physically, unfortunately). If I had to choose, it would be writing softcore romance novels full of seduction, extramarital affairs and incredibly specific details. I'm kidding about that last part, I think.
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Comments (63)
I have and it's probably because of how my parents thought about other people of different races. My parents are still a bit skeptical of black people because during their time and experiences, they have come across a few bad apples. My aunt would probably never talk to me if I were to date someone who is Japanese because of her experience during the invasion of China.
I do find myself more attracted to Asian women, and I really have no explanation why. I just go with the flow. There is a black girl that I would have date, but ended up not bothering because I found out she was a lesbian. Oh well...
I have never stopped to think about my racial biases when it comes to dating, because race was never a selection factor for me. If I have never dated a man of a certain race, it is most likely because I have never been presented with the opportunity to do so. I think the closest I come to having a bias is that I initially assume that men of other races wouldn't be interested in me b/c I am not the same race as them, but heck there are black men that wouldn't date me b/c I am black. Other than making this assumption, I don't usually make any other assumptions based on race.
I'm in an interracial relationship right now, so I automatically disagree with this post
I'm an american born chinese.. i was born and raised in oregon... and i dated an asian girl.. and well, i'd like to date a white girl next because i find them more attractive and more culturally similar and because they are americans too. and my parents would prefer a chinese girl because they speak chinese, buuuuuuut, i just havent seen any pretty chinese girls around, let alone befriending them
this is good but I think next time you should back it up with specific statistics rather than hypothetical situations. I can almost guarantee that 90% of the people who read this and have a subconscious bias will read the examples and go, "Oh, I would never think that, so I never do this."
Television and culture does help to perpetuate stereotypes and I realize I have a lot of them even if I don't believe them with my conscious self. I think there is probably no race that I haven't internalized false or misleading messages about.
For example of one related to majority rather than minority: I tend to assume white men are privileged and if they have a good job, it's because they've been coasting on white privilege their whole life (being born into a family with money to afford test prepping and good public or private schools, etc) rather than necessarily because they have brains. And there are certainly enough people who do fit this stereotype- but not everyone does, so even if my subconscious automatically feeds me this, I try to consciously process everything separately.
I dated a black man. He was the best relationship I ever had. He treated me with more respect than white men ever did. He wasn't perfect. Still, he was beautiful and a positive influence on my self esteem.
@ScarletMoth@xanga - I thought about getting evidence to support this article, but in the end, research on this kind of thing from my experience doesn't do much to change minds. It'll just be dismissed or countered with "Well, it's how I feel, so I'm right." I find that presenting the case from my own personal standpoint is more effective. However, if evidence is needed, I will gladly find some for the readers.
ever since i was a wee tot living in china, ive heard people complimenting a child's appearance by saying that "they look mixed" or "they look like an occidental doll". maybe subconsciously i always want to produce a pretty halfsie like kristin kreuk and maggie q thus never looked for love within my own race. who knows lol
One of my exes was half Native American, another was Filipino, and another was Jewish. I grew up in a kind of racist family so I was told to never bring home a black or Mexican man, so I think it's just kind of ingrained in me to not consider those races when I date. It's kind of hard to reverse when it's what you've been told your entire life, but I hope that I'd be more open than how I was raised. They told me it's hard to date when "cultures" are so different, but I've had plenty of Mexican friends and I never really thought that I couldn't date one because it's be difficult because of cultures. When I'm pointing out attractive people to friends, it's usually whites, Asians, or just lighter skinned people, but I really think that's how I was raised :/ Up until high school I had never really known anyone personally who wasn't white.
I don't really feed into racial biases when I date. I do have a pretty specific set of preferences though, so if you fall into that, I don't care what skin color you are. You could be purple with green hair and orange eyes and I wouldn't give a damn if you fit everything else I was looking for in a woman.
I think if I do, it's more against my own race/nationality than against others. I've been interested in a Hispanic guy for a long time, and for me, the problem isn't that he's Hispanic, but that I wonder why on earth he'd ever be interested in a "boring" white girl, especially since most Hispanic women look (at least to me) absolutely gorgeous, so then I'd unconsciously or subconsciously sabotage my chances with him.
And I've had to deal with the easy white girl stereotype quite a bit. I live in an area where white people are the minority, and I've had to deal with some sexual harassment from people who don't even know me. It's like some guys just assume I'll hop into bed with anyone just because my skin tone is a few shades lighter than theirs. I'm actually quite shy, so it's annoying having people assume I'm some sort of vixen.
I'm black, and I've dated men of different races, but most have been white. I'm really no more attracted to white men than I am to any other race; if you look good, you look good, lol. It just seems like white men express an interest in me more often than guys of other races do.
I have my preferences but I don't generalize an entire race and make them "non-datable" in my mind. My boyfriend is black but he will never date a black woman because of the same example you listed. He said he knew some black girls that he would meet and things would be fine for awhile but as they got older they started having an attuitude problem that he just couldn't put up with. I'm gonna be honest, the black girls I've met have usually had an attitude or were friggin insane but I still get mad at him when he refuses to believe that there are black girls out there with great, amazing personalities. Unlike him I realize that I can't base my beliefs on my perception all the time. It's just not realistic. No race or gender is filled with all bad people.
apparently i recently picked up jungle fever, but it seems that black girls are pretty closedminded to hooking up outside of their race.
as far as the other stereotypes go, (east) asian girls are significantly easier than white girls are. we can chalk that one up to the sense of inferiority that comes with growing up in a different culture. though why that doesn't spread to the brown chicks is beyond me. brown guys are assholes. i don't date them, but for the most part, they seem to have adopted the whole bro persona.
Everyone has the preconceived notions of other people. What's important is being able to get past them. You can say that Jewish women tend to be obnoxious and greedy as long as you're able to treat every Jewish woman you meet as an individual and not as immediately falling into that stereotype.
I have been asked out by one female who were a different race, one who was white
So far had one marriage offer she was of a different race to me,
I have not got told I was not allowed to bring home or restricted to date certain races. (since I have never had a girlfriend)
Uh, I'm not into black guys because I'm simply not attracted to African/Black features. The dark skin, the big noses and lips, etc. I don't consider that racist because, of course, it's not the only thing I see. I have black friends and I used to date a Jamaican guy (we're still good friends). But I'm just not attracted to it. The same way I'm just not attracted to blond hair for example. :/
My preference (but as previously shown, I go beyond this boundary all the time). I love thick white guys. Where you can't tell if they're fat or just big boned. I love dark brown hair and lumberjack mustaches. Thats my turn on.
As for family... it comes with being Hispanic. My mom and all my grandmothers want me to marry someone White and rich. My mom tends to antagonize Jews but she was still super happy when I was dating one. They all consider it dating "up". My grandma always tells me to make sure I marry someone lighter than me because light babies are "beautiful". My dad, he's more laid back. As long as the guy isn't black he doesn't care.
Neither of them were happy when I dated the Jamaican guy. I never even told my grandmas he existed. They would have killed me. :P
I've never actually heard any of these biases from anyone I've interacted with. I'm sure maybe I've met people like this, but if I have, I don't know about it.
I used to think I just wasn't attracted to black or Asian guys but lately I've been attracted to a few different black guys. Now I guess I'd never say never to being attracted to an Asian guy, but it hasn't happened yet.
I used to not be attracted AT ALL to blondes either, and I'm still not really. I'll date them if the rest of their features are attractive but blonde just really doesn't do it for me.
That said, now I'm pretty much stuck with one dude for the rest of my life so none of this matters.
for some reason, I don't like dating my own ethnic group as it seems to have split into two major categories within Korean-Canadian men. I've spent more years in Canada than in Korea but I still enjoy the entertainment, food, language and speech. My mom's biggest fear was that my brother (he's younger and currently dating a CBC-Canadian born Chinese) or I would bring home a black guy/girl to introduce to the family. She used to have nightmares about that... It's weird, she's scared of them, antagonize them, disturbed by them and really just downright don't like them. It doesn't matter if the person in question is dainty or manly, she wouldn't have it.
My grandma used to swear like a crazed woman when she found out that I was briefly dating a 3rd generation Canadian-Japanese because of the time that Japan invaded Korea. You'd think 3rd gen would make a difference to the lady but she swore she'd go crazy if I get serious. -_-;
I've dated Chinese, Korean, White, Half... my parents don't think of lighter skinned ethnic groups as "dating/marrying" up and for the longest time my mom wanted me to marry an Asian guy because it'll just uniform our culture. But I'm engaged to my Italian fiance and now she's marvelling at how PRETTY our kids are going to be....O_o anyway, our family have lived here long enough to look at family relations, values, (and yes, they still judge by the cover, my fiance does not look like a member of a mob or a street gang), stability, career, etc. But stil considerably conservative not to welcome someone very drastic in ethnicity (too exotic, it doesn't take) or physical appearance (tattoos, multi-coloured hair, piercings, etc).
And heck my brother's girlfriend is CBC, my parents are also adversed to fob Asians. And we ARE Korean for pete sakes. O_0
Growing up, I never ruled out any possibility. I dated Asians, blacks, whites, Puerto Ricans, people of mixed race. But now, as an adult, I've realized I have developed a resistance to dating black men. The poor choices I made by picking certain ones, which I look back on and say "What the hell was I thinking?", caused me to resent black men when it comes to relationships with them. . . Since then, I've found myself completely interested in white men which led me to my engagement less than three weeks ago to my white fiance.
My family, on the other hand, is extremely laid back with things like this. I've always been told, "You date who you like. . . We don't judge people by ethnicity. . ." My sister generally dates white guys, but she recently dated a black guy. My brother only dates white girls. My mother has a black husband and my father has a white wife. Two of my six brothers and sisters are mixed. We're open to anything in my family, in general.
I dated a black girl. No one noticed her race outside of a crude joke here and there. Hooray me.
I've dated people of every race. But I know for a fact that if I went for someone filipino (which I haven't), he'd get along with my family right away though. Aside from this, my family gives everybody an equal chance.
@stanlee255@xanga - come to houston. they come out of the woodworks
For me, it's more on how they dress and present themselves, and if they're hot. I guess I'm still superficial. I think I can say that I'm friends with every ethnicity.
My dad told me he didn't give two fucks what race or gender of the person I married was, as long as they were not a redneck :D
I think it depends on where you grow up, your social economic class, and how educated you are (scientifically speaking). I've read studies that most people have an unconscious brain reaction to different races- but among younger generations it's so slight it's almost non-existent.
I've dated allll kinds of races of men and women. Can't say they hand anything in common physically except they all had black/dark brown hair, brown eyes, and were smokers :/