Sunday, 10 July 2011
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You CAN'T Date My Sister!
I couldn't imagine being related by marriage to someone I hated. And hated possibly because of that never-failing gut instinct of mine, telling me that my sister's man just isn't the right guy for her, especially if she's always unhappy about the relationship.That being said, I love my sister. We don't always get along, and I barely see or talk to her now that she's traveling the world (literally) and I live at my university for eight months out of the year, but she's still my flesh, blood, and one of my greatest influences. So naturally, I want to protect her as much as I can as her younger sister. I need to be the first one to rescue her from the dogs if she ever falls into their grasps!
My older sister and I are seven years apart. Growing up, she was my role model. I looked up to her, trying to copy everything she did, and unfortunately, also saw the drama of her relationships and my family mixed together. The last relationship we all knew about, I'm sure my parents were just looking out for her best interest trying to pry her away from her guy. They felt that gut instinct as parents to protect their daughter from getting hurt. Had they worked out and ended up married or something, I know that would be a $h!t$h0w forever.
I wouldn't be as severe as my parents if I really didn't like the guy she was dating, but I also wouldn't hesitate to speak up about my feelings.
Among the blunt things I could see myself saying (with just reason and evidence, of course):
"He sucks."
"He doesn't respect you and your accomplishments."
"He's condescending."
"He smells bad. He's not clean enough."
"He's not making you happy."Happiness is key. If she's just not happy because of her boyfriend, and I can always tell when she's not happy, then I KNOW the guy just isn't right for her, and he's doing something to make her upset. If I knew she was happy with whomever she was dating, I could be happy for her and try to understand why she loves him and accept it.
Has your sibling ever dated someone you hated? Why did you hate them and how did you deal with them being together?
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About the Author
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- From: dangelb
- About Me: My name means "daybreak" and I'm usually awake to watch the sunrise every morning. I'm a college student, obsessive tea drinker, and contemporary dancer. My first love was the piano before I learned how to love people. I love my R.O.B.--Really Outstanding Boyfriend--who gets just as excited as I do over antique books, soft-baked cookies, and Sporcle.
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Comments (26)
i hate my brothers girlfriend. why? because she was my childhood best friend that i spoke to everyday since i was 7 years old til i was 23... when she slept and started a relationship behind my and my familys back. so how do i deal? i ignore their existance. quite easy actually. and my brother is miserable with her now, baby and all too. =) i sit back and enjoy their unhappiness. mest up, i know but whatever. even my family dislikes her now. though you have a good relationship with your sister, something i never really had with my brother so its different for you. say something to her, though if she "loves" him, she has to learn from her mistakes. sometimes its the only way people will see.gotta live and learn. and my brother in law, he is awful. maybe because my sister is a jealous woman and wont let anyone near him. but i leave them alone for the sake of being able to see my sisters kids. if i mention their parenting skills, i may lose my ability to see them. you just gotta get used to who your siblings choose sometimes.
I most likely dated someone that a lot of my friends didn't like. And I finally saw why when I couldn't take the relationship anymore. But, through that relationship, I have friends that would say, "It is your relationship, and whatever you decide, I'll support you." to "She's not right for you. You have to leave because no one deserves to be treated like shit, especially you."
I think you should support your sister. Voice your opinions (as civilized and unhurtful as possible) and then realize that she needs to live her own life and down the road whether she is with him or not, she will remember whether you supported her or made her feel like crap.
@ShirleyD@xanga - Yeah, those situations are rough! Did your childhood best friend even give you a clue she was with your brother before? And yeah, I figure she's gonna do her anyway and I will have to come to terms with whomever she's dating.
@laytexduckie@xanga - Did it bother you a lot when your friends would say things like that? I definitely do need to work on being nicer with my "criticisms" with my sister and not say anything that would intensely bother her if I really didn't like her dude.
@rabbit_heart@xanga - This is very true. We actually had bad fights that would go on for months with us not talking because I was having diarrhea of the mouth 10-year-old-bitch style and it would really hurt her. I learned my lesson though and I try not to let it get to that point again.
i never liked any of my baby sister's boyfriends either!
@dangelb - Well, the thing is it didn't bother me a lot because what they were saying were true. I was not being treated very well in the relationship, but I still chose to be with her in hopes that it might get better. It didn't.
As for trying to present your opinions in the nicest manner possible, I would still be honest with your sister. You just have to choose your words carefully. Instead of saying something like, "He's a manipulative asshole that is playing games with you.", try saying "I feel that he is not being honest with you. He is playing games with you and is doing it only to see you get hurt. As your sister, I'm very concerned about it." Don't raise your voice and talk it out in a civil manner with her. A honest opinion is always better than sugarcoating.
@laytexduckie@xanga - I absolutely agree that being honest is way better than sugarcoating and that it's more productive to not attack the guy but just parse it out in a way she could understand. Thanks for the great suggestions!
@dangelb - No. They never really interacted but when she moved down here with me (shared a room and all), I suggested that my brother entertain her since she was so bored and alone since I was in school/ work often. Well, I didn't expect him to entertain her sexually or her to be so slutty. Apparently, according to my brother she put out the first time they hung out and they kept at it since then. Later when my parents suspected they were together, I kept saying no... she wouldn't do that. When I finally asked her, she denied, denied, and denied and kept saying "ew, that's like kissing my own brother!" So I kept her word for it til I started noticing little things and asked my brother if they were messing around. That's when he said they had since the first time they hung out. Betrayed! Sigh. That's the story. Good luck!
I don't like my sister's husband. I actually told her I disapprove of him before they were married, but she just got angry and said I didn't know him like she did. Well now it's 5 years into the marriage and she tells me she should have listened to me, because she's miserable with him. I've been trying really hard not to say, "I told you so!"
I think you can voice your opinions when she asks for them, because saying them otherwise, can be hurtful and can estrange you from her. I think you should support her and any of her decisions, even if you think they are mistakes. Because she will learn from the mistakes. That is the wonderful part of life, you grow as you learn.
@ShirleyD@xanga - why would it bother you so much that your friend and your brother decided to date unknown to you? And why did she lie about it?
@bladegurl@xanga - Because she lied about it. When I confronted her on if she was messing with my brother she said, "eww no I would never do that. That's so gross. It would be like kissing my own brother. I'm not attracted to him at all." She did this for like 2 months, denying. Lying. To myself and my parents. Plus I feel, ya don't fuck your friends family or exes. But that's just me and a large majority of the population. Lol. Some don't mind but I do, especially being lied to. Oh ya, and my bro said she didn't even hesitate, that she put out from the first time they hung out.
it doesn't your business :S
- Paula voodoo spell
@ShirleyD@xanga - I think your brother is very much at fault, almost as much as your friend, the difference is that he didn't lie like she did when you confronted him. I'd have done the same as you if I were you.
I don't have siblings, but I can see why you feel this way. if I had siblings, I'd want to protect them even if they are adults, and it would break my heart to see them being mistreated/unhappy. I'd feel like yelling at whoever is making my hypothetical sibling unhappy, yet it is their life and not my place to discipline the guy that she chose to be with
I get mad whenever other people in my family, such as my aunt, who often rants about her physically/emotionally abusive husband, yet she chooses to take his side and stay despite the things that she complains about, so I feel helpless. I sort of ignore her now because it irritates me that she is stubborn and it is the same repetitive things that she vents about yet doesn't want to change or do something about.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Yeah, I think the toughest part of seeing this happen with a friend or family member is them not being able to see it from the outside and have you see all the things that are hurting them. And somehow you have to find a way to get through to them and sometimes lol like I assume (one of my faults) the most efficient ways is to be incredibly blunt. Sometimes I think people need to be a little angry with you for what you say because it shows that they might be taking what you're saying to heart, finally.
My sister and I are 7 years apart and she doesn't like my boyfriend. She only has one good reason to hate him although that reason has nothing to do with me or our relationship. But other then that one reason I don't want to hear it especially since she is my teenage sister and I obviously have a lot more experience with relationships and love. If I want to hear her thoughts about my love life then Ill ask her but otherwise it is none of her business. She has her first boyfriend now and I have no real reason to hate him. It looks like she is happy and even if she wasn't I follow the rule of "unless you ask for help or the situation is dangerous, it's none of my fucking business".
All the power to you!
I have two older sisters (the three of us only a year apart), and I am VERY protective of them. A few years ago, my eldest sister was with an asshole that I am convinced she found at douche-ville. I had a bad feeling about him since day one, but I decided to give the jerk a chance since there was clearly something that my sister saw in him that I didn't. As their "relationship" persisted, I gradually saw her becoming depressed and insecure. She would constantly tell me that she wanted to break up with him, which I FULLY supported... yet, somehow, the douche had a way of pulling her back in. After hearing them argue on the phone for the 100th time, I just couldn't take it - hearing ANYONE talk down to my sisters (or ANY of my family members, for that matter) is asking for it. So I barged into her room, grabbed the phone from her, and pretty much told him to F*CK OFF. A few days later they broke up. Now, she has an awesome boyfriend who loves and respects her, and I have never seen her happier.
Bottom line: When one of us is weak, the other must be strong - this is what sisters are for.
My sister has only had one boyfriend, he is a good guy.
@dangelb - yeah. I made that comment because my sister always voices her opinion about everything I do (it's usually negative) and when she started making comments about my boyfriend, it really had a negative impact on our relationship. I'm the older sister and I have to take the brunt of her negativity and it does not help, it gets to the point where I don't even want to talk to her sometimes because she can't say anything nice. Sounds like you're better now though, so that's definitely good :)
If she's an adult, seven years older than you, then she can make her own choices. If she's travelling the world, you probably don't even know her boyfriend very well. Frankly, it's none of your business who she dates.
My SIL is married to an awful, awful man, so I know how you feel, but you have to let them live their own life. Who knows, you might even be wrong about him! Only give your opinion if she asks for it. Or if he does something particularly egregious, like hitting on you behind her back.
I've actually been at the opposite end of this. And although I didn't appreciate my sister's opinion at the time, I'm really glad to was honest with me. She and my family are actually the reason I dumped the loser I was dating. So I say talk to her. Even if she doesn't agree or appreciate your opinion, she will someday.
I have a feeling some of my family members don't like my fiance, but they know better than to say anything. Family has a habit of thinking they know what a person is looking for in a mate, they often don't.
I'll almost always hate the girl that dates my brother.
I'm lucky in the department that the siblings I care about have good heads on their shoulders and thus, have chosen great mates! My older sister married this guy and at first, I thought she was absolutely bonkers because they hadn't known each other a year. Lo and behold, they are still together (it's been almost a decade) and when I got to know him, it turns out, he is FABULOUS! I actually also like his family, too. Now, if she had been dating someone who was a jerk... I'd be all about relationship sabotage... And breaking his nose every chance I got.