Sunday, 10 July 2011
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What Do You Do with a Mix of Love and Drugs?
In my Ethnic Women's Studies, one of the girls in my class asked my teacher if she was married. She said yeah. And her story was:
"I married my high school sweetheart. He went to war. When he came back, he started doing drugs. and I didn't want him around my kids."
Then somebody asked something and I think it was something like: How come you didn't go back with him? (Maybe they meant, "how come you didn't go back with him now that your kids are adults?")
And her reply was: "Because I wanted to keep the good memories."
Okay, I know I might sound like I'm judging her here, but she married the guy. She took a vow with that person and promised (maybe to God) that she'd be with him.
I know I'm 17 and not exactly an expert in love and relationships, though I learned in my psychology class that:
STAGE 1: You're in a mushy-gushy state, s/he's your main focus.
STAGE 2: You're in a battlefield.
STAGE 3: You're like, "Yeah that's annoying but I admire him/her and s/he's your partner in life now, you're walking the path of life with him/her beside you."
But time changes people, sometimes. I don't know if she would have been able to help him through his addiction or if it was wrong for her to take her children's father from them (I don't know if she remarried or had somebody took up the place of their father figure).And I feel sorry for the guy. He comes home, physically and mentally damaged and his family doesn't want him.
Putting myself in her shoes, I don't know what I would do.
If the person you married left for war and came back with a drug addiction, what would you do? Would you try to help them through their addiction even though your children were around to see it all happen?
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- From: f5ye_angel5@xanga
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Comments (24)
Drugs change people. He wouldn't be the same guy she married, even after her kids were grown.
I would end that addiction fast, it would be done. I understand addictions are a bit out of ppls control and relapse is almost a sure fire thing, but there's very little i would do forsomeone i loved enough to marry.
My question is, how long did she stay before she left. How much time did she put into trying to help him overcome.
What the hell? This isn't about him coming back from a war, it's about him coming back from a war and DOING DRUGS. I speak from experience when I say that drugs, especially the more dangerous ones like heroin, crack, and meth, change people completely. They destroy everything around them and care about nothing else. If I married someone and they started doing hard drugs, I would try my best to get them help, but if someone denies help, they are denying you. They are denying that they have a problem, and there's no way of helping them. I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that, no matter what the circumstances were. Not to mention that she was afraid for her kids. Drugs make people absolutely volatile and impossible to be around.
yeah... no. lol. seriouly? so she just shut him out like that??? @_@ poor guy. like its understandable but not. help a man out! not kick him when he is down. ah well. tho there are many unanswered questions, details left out. so who knows.
Whether her vows were to God or not (and I'm not religious myself), she vowed to care for better or for worse. It's definitely a good idea to move the children away from the negative environment, but to not provide him with support seems a bit harsh. I understand that drugs can change people, but without support from those you love the most, the journey to recovery is just that much more difficult. I guess it all depends on how long she stayed and whether or not she tried to help. Hard to say.
If my husband was on hard drugs I would leave him for the sake of the children. There are some functional addicts but most of the time, the addict only thinks they're functional.
Why would she get back with him afterwards? Kind of seems like what's done is done. I'm betting the drug abuse took its toll and their marriage and there was a lot more to the story than what she wanted to divulge. A pastor I knew once said, "Some emotional scars can never be undone" and he was right. Some things hurt so badly and are so detrimental (like a spouse doing drugs and the actions that ensue with addiction) that some injuries can never be undone.
@mizz_chan@xanga - a lot of times recovery doesn't begin until the addict hits rock bottom. Helping them is called enabling them.
I'd protect my children. I wouldn't want my hypothetical kids seeing their dad using drugs or be in a drug induced state of mind around my kids. he can visit the kids when he gets his act together. he might've started doing drugs due to post traumatic stress, which is understandable yet doesn't excuse his behavior, so go to rehab/therapy. I won't be with someone, who has any type of addiction. there were alcohol/smoking/food addicts in my family, which is why I detest these habits, because it changed the person, whom I used to know and I don't like it.
Drugs can affect one in a very severe manner. they can be violent and paranoid. Nevertheless, I think she's right for seperating the kids from the husband. But he also needs to see a therapist for post-traumatic stress disorder which alot of women/men from the army and even rape victims suffer. My assumption is that he's doing the drugs to repress the trauma.
Drugs tear people apart... I know from experience. I would have done exactly what she did.
@SleepyLaura@xanga - Agreed.
When my ex started doing drugs, he changed into another person too. It's rare that drugs don't change a person.
I speak from experience: drug addiction DOES NOT mean that one cannot become a wonderful father if he is willing to seek help. Especially if he has something very precious (his family) to lose.
drugs change people. no.
i'd leave.
i've seen what hardcore addictions do.
When you add the trauma of war(which effects her as well, not just him) with drug addiction, I'm sorry but the power of marriage is just not enough sometimes. Even if she stayed, unless he truly wanted to stop(and after experiencing something like war, it's even less likely that he will)she wouldn't be able to do a damn thing for him except watch him fade away. The least she could do is get him into a program and support him in a general sense but again, he would have to chose to stop and keep on the road to recovery. It's a harsh truth but love alone does not save all things.
@mizz_chan@xanga - It is when she doesn't exactly say much more about it. I'm assuming she tried or didn't try maybe because of past experiences dealing with drug addicts? I certainly have with my own family and though the thing is, the drug addict wants to help himself and actually wants to get better, if they don't, it's going to be a wasted battle. Sometimes love or even marriage can't save everything. You do eventually have to draw the line.
OP:
I would of done the same honestly. If my bf ever did that, I would leave. I don't deal with drug addicts at all, because I've seen the carnage it left in my family and continues to inflict. It's possible for drug addicts to be on the road to recovery and reclaim their life but they have to want to get better. They have to want it and actually do it or else, it's not going to work. There is so much pain losing someone to drugs and knowing you can't help them at all. She did what was reasonable and kept in mind, her children's safety which came first. Sometimes love isn't enough to save someone especially if they are going on a downward spiral like that.
That depends on how willing they were to recover from the addiction. My brother is a recovering heroine/meth/coke addict, and he's proof that a person can change, therefore, I know what's possible with a lot of hard work (bro is three years sober, makes the dean's list every year, recently scored in the top 10% of a nation wide standardized business test). If they weren't willing to work HARD on changing, I would show them the door.
She should've tried, separately. I understand keeping the kids away from it (that's a very good parenting move) but she should've wanted to see her husband recover. Even if he was changed, she could've done something good and wholesome that helps him better his life. I just think that's terrible, poor guy must be having a shitty life. No family, no support. /:
it was his choice to start using drugs. she, as a mother, chose to protect her children from his behaviors and habits of drug use and psychological damage. drugs and things such as PTSD from the military can lead to violence. doesnt mean she didnt love him, she chose safety.
@Hinase@xanga - I definitely understand that love is not the answer to addiction & that even without drugs and addictions in the picture, it may still change. It's so hard to say without the details. If indeed an attempt was made to reach out though, I think it's fair to leave such an infectious and negative situation.
@mizz_chan@xanga - It is hard to say.
My life having been touched by my mother's out of control alcoholism, (yes, that too, is a drug), my brother-in-law's heroin addiction, and the various substance addiction of a past boyfriend, I feel like I can honestly say she was right to leave--ESPECIALLY for the sake of her children. Addicts MIGHT go into recovery. They MIGHT be sober for 20 years. But they're always, always addicts. You can never fully trust them, and they never go back to the people they once were. You'd be fooling yourself into thinking that if things settle for a while that you're safe. My dad should have taken my sister and I away from my mom, but he thought that since she had a 13 year sober stint in her life that things were okay. Well, they weren't. They were far from okay. Her addiction had just moved to something other than alcohol, and the abuse, both physical and emotional, was unbearable. He "stuck it out with her through better or worse", which I suppose on the outside is admirable, but it was at the expense of his children. We paid dearly for this sentiment. And truthfully... it was NOT worth it.
Answer: Leave them.
If he was willing to change for the sake of his marriage and kids I would help him with rehab, if all else failed and he refused then leave. There's no need for any child to see someone go through that especially without being able to completely understand what's going on.