Saturday, 09 July 2011
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Too Early for Marriage Talk?
As many of you know, I am a college student. I've been in school for over two years now and I've seen a lot of interesting things when it comes to relationships and dating. One that stands out to me is the amount of couples I know who are in it for the long haul. Personally, I think it's great. A lot of people say college is the time to really let loose and be freely single. I say, if you've found someone you want to be with, college shouldn't stop you.On the contrary, however, I am sometimes a little put off by the large amount of marriage talk going on. Isn't it just a little bit too early for that? Again, I totally get that feeling of knowing (or being pretty damn sure that I know) who my end all be all person is, but marriage talk can be dangerous territory. When you're young and still in school, sometimes unwarranted stuff gets in the way.
If, for whatever reason, a couple breaks up, how does the grieving process go? It's one thing to try to move on from someone you love(d) so deeply. It's a completely different story to move on when you were suspecting to never have to be single again.
I see the other side, I really do. Yes, I know that married couples divorce all the time and I also believe that a person shouldn't date someone if he/she is expecting it to end even from the start.
All I'm really saying is this:
Isn't there a danger to discussing marriage so often when your SO when you're only 20? Even more so, doesn't it make that possible break up twice as hard?
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About the Author
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 20. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (27)
You can't go into any relationship [or really anything] filtering yourself. If you feel that you are ready for marriage with the person you're dating, TALK ABOUT IT. Make sure you're on the same page.
Like anything else, talking about marriage is a risk... if you're not willing to take it, don't. But I'd rather talk about it and know the person I'm with and I are serious about each other.
Isn't the point of dating to find out what and who you like anyway? If so, then when you've found him, you better hold on tight. I think love is special and it may never come back to you. If you love someone tell them, and if you love them to the point of wanting to spend your life with them, tell them that as well.
Like any breakup, it will be hard if things don't work out, but that's a risk I'd be willing to take.
I never talked about marriage with anyone I wasn't serious with...I've only seriously discussed marriage with my current boyfriend and I was 24 when we got together, I'm 25 now.
I feel like if you don't feel like you're ready to discuss marriage, don't! But other people might feel differently or be in a different place. Honestly I'm inclined to agree with you that 20 sounds "too young" - for me personally. But I also know a few people who got married young and had kids young, and I don't think I ever want to have kids. So I think everyone's lives just follow different paths, and I can't really say that talking about marriage when you're 20 is unrealistic. Especially because if someone DOES want to have kids, it's healthiest physically for the woman to have children in her 20's.
Also, when people are discussing marriage, they aren't thinking about whether or not those discussions will make breaking up harder. Yeah, breaking up with my boyfriend would be way harder now because we've basically said we want to marry each other. But the alternative would be that I wouldn't have moved states away to live with him and we wouldn't be on track to take our relationship to that level...in which case, what's the point? I've had a lot of dead-end relationships but at some point in your life you have to get serious if you want to actually stay with someone for the long haul.
It should probably come up at some point, even if one person is thinking it. At least it's an appropriate and realistic topic for college-aged couples.. it's not like they're just kids anymore.
I've always thought of it like this: nobody can ever know everything that will happen. By the logic that it isn't worth mentioning in cause you break up or divorce.. no one should ever be in a relationship or get married, ever. Someone might get hurt. I think it's a risk you just have to take.
To me, your post sounds a little contradictory. You love that people are in it for the long haul and love one another "so deeply," and you agree that you shouldn't start a relationship (or, I'm assuming, stay in a relationship) thinking it will end, but they shouldn't talk about marriage? I think being in it for the long haul, loving another "deeply," and believing that the relationship won't end are great reasons (among others) to start the talk about marriage. If you don't expect to break up, you probably don't expect to get divorced either, so why not get married if you and your spouse have talked about it and have decided that you're ready?
Maybe I'm biased because I married my husband at 18, but we had been together for almost 3 years already while I was in high school/college and he was in high school/the Army. Call me crazy, but we were ready. We were both very mature for our ages, and we were tired of just talking about our future. We were in a position to support ourselves as a married couple (it was actually financially beneficial for us to be married). We wanted to make it happen, so we did. Three and a half years later, he's still the love of my life, and I know we made the right decision.
I think it's definitely a case-by-case basis. Some are ready, some aren't. Some will break up, some will stay together and eventually get married. Some will get married, and some will divorce. I think that applies regardless of age.
My fiance and I both know exactly what we want. We want to settle and be with one another out of love, from which we drew commitment. Many young people aren't ready to settle with one person, even if they know they want to be together, because they don't want to commit. Notice that I said many, not most, and definitely not all.
We're both 20, met each other at 18, and a few weeks later he told me he loved me. I waited until I was ready to say it back, and in February of this year, he proposed. We are content. I think it's sad that such a stigma surrounds the unity of marriage; that you are "tied down" and that you "lose your freedom." Marriage shouldn't make you feel that way. It should complement your life in the best way possible, next to having children, and other great leaps.
I was engaged at nearly 20 (two days before my 20th birthday). He was 20 at the time. That was nearly 4 years ago, and the wedding is in October of this year.
Do I think we were too young to think marriage? No. I think we knew what we wanted, which was to grow together in this particular direction. I see nothing wrong with discussing marriage if you're looking for a relationship of that nature. If you're not sure about your feelings, though, then you should be comfortable enough to make it clear with your SO.
I met my man welcome week my freshman year of college. We got married three years later. A few of the girls in my class had gotten married the spring before, several got married the same June I did, and most got married this spring (everyone's senior year). The end all be all of it was, we are almost all married. Now I went to a Baptist College in the Midwest, so this isn't exactly the typical college routine, but where I attended it was definitely the norm. Almost everyone I know met their future spouse either in high school or college.
As for your question is it too early to talk about marriage? If you are in a serious relationship, it is never too early once your realize you would like to marry the person you might as well talk about it. When you want it to happen is another story. I know many couples who discuss marriage and put a year on it, but that year is a long way away. I know a girl who wanted to be a neurosurgeon. It was her freshman year of college and her and her high school sweet heart were talking 12 years in advance. It was good that they talked about it because he wanted to get married sooner and she was able to tell him in advance how her life needed to be and he could either reassess his life or walk away without wasting time. It is stupid to give yourself pointless relationship rules. All you are doing is training yourself to be uncomfortable in normal relationships and to sabotage happy relationship you come across because it isn't following the way you think things "should be". Chill out. Let your hair down. Live.I'm eighteen and engaged. When you know, you know. Though our wedding isn't for another three or four years, we do plan to have one. I don't think my age, or his, played a big part in it. I've seen my own father and stepmother get engaged after only a few months with him being 34 and her being 23. Age and/or educational status do not defy the successfulness of a relationship.
Isn't there a danger to discussing marriage so often when your SO when you're only 20? Even more so, doesn't it make that possible break up twice as hard?
I think it depends on the couple. I got engaged on my 19th birthday and was married to my hubby about 8 months later. We've now been married for just over a year and are expecting our first baby this upcoming Thursday :) I definitely don't think college/university should deter any couple from discussing marriage. I started dating my husband the summer I started college and by my 2nd year in, I was engaged to him. I also personally think that the break up (if it even happened) would be harder if things like marriage and kids weren't even discussed. I know a lot of girls who have stayed with someone, didn't talk about marriage, only to find out 3 years later that this guy never wants to get married...yes, the break up was hard, but discussing these things when the time was right for them probably would have prevented them from getting so hurt.
i think what scares me is when people dont listen to themselves. see other people who are in totally different situations, are actually happy and work.. and try to "compete" so "step it up" and attempt to "validate" themselves, by.... getting unneccessarily commited to the wrong person. i just think its a personality type also. some girls always say they'll get married to their boyfriends and make plans for it. even if they suck together and being married would be even worse than their current relationship.
but besides that issue of basic teenage insecurity creating an even worse future. i think its good people talk about marriage. people should be real about what they want. that should be the point, but at the college age rarely is. but sometimes, depends.
like someone else said 'when you know you know'.... ive only wanted to marry one person before. --- have a family kids and everything. ive never thought about marriage before. but when i met him it was like fate was trying to bring us together like crazy, everything was perfect all green lights. o well.
Honestly. I think it's different for everyone. I have wanted to get married young for as long as I can remember. My boyfriend and I will most likely get married before I'm finished with school. He'll be done because that's his preference, but if it were up to me, we would be married by now. We've been dating for two years on the 18th. I'm 21. He'll be 24 on the 23rd. I just don't see the point in waiting if you know that the person you're dating is the one you're going to marry. People say that the reason you wait is to get to know the person more, but seriously, you don't stop getting to know someone once you marry them. If anything you learn MORE about them after you're married for 1 year than you did in all the time you were dating. So I don't see that as a good excuse at all.
@CecilliaMarie@xanga - I agree with you completely on this.
The most my boyfriend and I have talked of marriage were the lines "I can see myself marrying you someday." Although we are in a very serious relationship, being 20 and in love is plenty enough for us right now.
I don't see the point of truly discussing marriage unless we're in the time frame for it, which we're not.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! If you get married before 25, you're basically asking to be screwed over. Research shows that when you wait to get married, you most likely won't end up divorced. Also, in my experience, most of my friends who are my age, 24, are not married right now, or they're in bad long-term relationships with a few kids and have let themselves look like a sack of potatoes.
I'm so glad that I'm not married and don't have children! I really think my life may not be as full and prosperous as it is now if all those things had taken place before I was ready.
@x_damaged_yet_unbroken_x@xanga - I agree with you 100%. I don't believe in marrying young and I never will.
@x_damaged_yet_unbroken_x@xanga - You weren't ready. Other people ARE ready. My life wouldn't be as full and prosperous as it is now if I HADN'T married at 18. My husband and I had a plan. We're following that plan, and it is working out great for us. I don't care what the "statistics" say. Those are based on other people's relationships, not mine. And 90% of statistics are BS anyway... :D Lol. Basically what I'm saying is, don't generalize. Don't condemn all people who get married young just because some people who do it are dumb idiots. That same fact stands for millions of things: guns, alcohol, driving, even using the internet. Yes, some people are dumb idiots and are "just asking to be screwed," but some of us know what we're doing :)
@x_damaged_yet_unbroken_x@xanga - I don't know, I don't think there should be some age that is better than other ages to get married. I do believe that 25 is better than 18, but I don't think it's fair to say that anyone under 25 that gets married is going to divorce or get "screwed over." I know 23/24 year olds who just married last month after being together 9 years. It's not typical, of course, but I believe it depends on the people and their relationship rather than if they're under a certain age.
As for what I personally believe: there's no "harm" in talking about marriage when you're 20, or any age really. It's just the kind of thing a lot of infatuated people, or people in love think about. And even if someone gets engaged at 20, it doesn't mean they'll marry at 20. I think a lot of people seem to forget that. I'm 19, and I can't see myself getting married for several years, at least. It's more of an "I'll see where things go" kind of thing. My boyfriend and I have talked about the future and such, but I'm fully aware that it's uncertain. And I think most people in relationships need to realize that as well.
This topic about age of marriage has been posted too many times. Regardless...
I think as long as you are a legal adult, the age that you decide to marry is ultimately yours. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage. This doesn't mean that getting married at age 20 is wrong. We shouldn't judge other people's decisions just because we see them as wrong for ourselves. As you see from other people's responses, there are many people out there who don't have a problem with marrying young because it works for them. A marriage can fail at any age...that's the risk you take with marriage.
The only problem I have with marrying young is when there are children being forced into marriage b/c of their parents. Sadly, this happens in other countries, and they don't care. I mean, what 9 year old has the maturity for marriage and children?
The problem isn't the couple discussing marriage, it's really the ones who don't, but just get married. I feel like it is harder when you break an engagement as opposed to just a regular relationship. I was engaged at 20, and I remember what that was like. I'm 22 and still in love with the same person, even though he wants nothing from me but the occasional lay. Which is downright degrading. But at the same time, I know several couples who have been happily married at the age of 18 and 20 who do well in their marriage, but have hurt the rest of their lives by starting families too early. It's give or take; the couple has to be the ones who handle it well. If they handle it well, then there's no reason why they can't talk marriage, even at a young age. Remember, people used to get married off at 14 in the medieval times without being involved in the discussion or choice at all... This is a step up!
@willjogforicecream@xanga - How old are you now? Your opinions, morals, and ideas about love can change at any time in life, but most likely they will change before your mid-20s. If you haven't reached 24 and up yet, don't tell me not to generalize. I've been in your shoes and have gone through changes and things which you don't understand, and so have other people my age, so I'm not generalizing. K, thanks, have a good one
It varies per couple. But no one should ever think of marriage if they're not 150% dedicated to that person and plan to be for the rest of their lives. I'll be 21 this month and I've been in a serious relationship for over 6 years. We live together but we're both not ready for marriage yet. I wouldn't even expect a proposal until we both graduate with our bachelor's later next year. I hope to be 23-24 or so.
@x_damaged_yet_unbroken_x@xanga - You are very much so generalizing. I'm 21 now. Marriage can most definitely work at 18+ if the people are both mature and ready to grow together instead of growing apart. If we've made it through the stuff we've been through so far, I'm pretty sure there's nothing that can stop us. My ideas and opinions may change slightly, but all of the important stuff is pretty much set in stone. My childhood wasn't that great, and I had to "find myself" sooner than most kids (or else end up like my brother- drunk, stoner, high school dropout). He just so happened to do the same. I may not understand what YOU went through, but you don't know what I went through either. You don't know when or how or why my morals and values were formed the way that they were. It varies from person to person. Another reason I believe you're wrong is because your ideas and opinions and values are CONSTANTLY changing throughout your life. It doesn't just stop when you hit your mid-20's. What about mid-life crisis? Should no one get married until after they've been through the mid-life crisis and came out on the other side? I believe that if two people are similar enough in the BIG stuff and absolutely committed to work towards growing together and/or compromising on any small changes that come up, marriage will work at any age between the right people. When I turn 25, I'll drop you a line and let you know how we're doing ;)
@willjogforicecream@xanga - You didn't read my comment thoroughly......I did say that your morals and opinions can change throughout your whole life. Anyway, yep, shoot me a line when you're 25. I bet you'll have gained some more maturity and life lessons by then, so you won't feel like I'm "generalizing" or attacking you.
@x_damaged_yet_unbroken_x@xanga - " If you get married before 25, you're basically asking to be screwed over." Um, sorry, but that is definitely generalizing, and it is definitely an attack on MY relationship. I'm just saying. You know nothing about me, nothing about my life, nothing about my relationship. For all you know, those "life lessons" you think I'll learn between the ages of 21 and 25 that will apparently probably end my marriage, I could've already learned those. Not every single person under 25 who gets married is asking to be screwed over. There are some smart ones out there. I agree that I've changed a little since I was 18, and yes, so has my husband, but we still hold the same core values and morals that we've both held since we started dating when I was 15 years old, and those core values and morals are the framework for our marriage and what will keep us married for the rest of forever. You'll see :)
Personally, I think it all depends on the couple. My fiance and I are now 20 years old and we've been together since we were eighteen. We didn't jump right into the thought of marriage - there was a lot of thought and hours and hours of talks about it, our morals, beliefs, ideals, and opinions on marriage. I would never want to marry someone that I disagreed with a single one of those things on. We were together for a year to the day when we got engaged and six months later, we moved in together. We are now approaching our two year mark next month and things have never been better. I'm a homebody, he's a homebody, and our idea of fun is staying in and watching movies, so we don't really have many conflicting interests. We love the idea of settling down together and we've already started phase one of that process by getting our own place together. I've told him, but only once before because of my relationship past, I have accepted the fact that there is a possibility that we could one day break up. I don't want to and I'm not setting us up for failure, but to shut that possibility out completely is the most ignorant thing a person can do when going into a relationship.