Saturday, 09 July 2011

• Women Buy Me Drinks

  

  If we take our heads out of our asses for a minute, stench aside, we'll become aware of the negativity that surrounds the idea that a man would allow a woman to purchase him a tasty beverage. When speaking of tasty beverages, I mean a tall glass of Jack Daniels or perhaps some rum & coke. Free firewater is truly a blessing holier than the springs of Poland, and I understand why women provoke men for free drinks like thirsty thespians vying for a role on Sex and the City. Dare I say, it's almost like I'm empowering women by rejecting the status quo and accepting them as being economically equal. I'm an equal opportunity kind of man.

  Purchasing food and drinks should never boil down to an issue of gender, because for one, I think women really enjoy taking advantage of a man's wallet based on social standards. When it comes down to it, no person should consistently take advantage of another, and I'm walking a slippery slope here by wording it in such a manner, because I think we all subconsciously take advantage of each other in different ways. This becomes an issue when you knowingly start to use other people for their money, access to drinks and possibly expensive dinners. And jewelry. And the condo. And potentially kids if he looks like he'll pay good child support. Women, don't be that person.

  Thinking about this logically, it would make more sense to determine who the purchaser of the drink is based on will and the ability to pay for the drink without putting a dent on finances. Women earn just as much as men, and men earn just as little as women, especially college students who practically own the bar scene. The example I'm currently using would involve a man and a woman at a bar, just meeting for the first time and striking up a conversation. Within the first five minutes, it's possible to get an idea of where the person stands economically based on a job description if you get one, or knowledge of their background. I know it's not information that's constantly being divulged, but in certain cases, it's possible.

  If you're struggling to pay your bills, either ask for some tap water and pretend it's gin and vodka, or grow some balls and get the girl to buy you a drink. It doesn't have to be awkward. Just as long as you both have drinks in hand, it'll make the conversation easier, unless it's water, anyway. But she doesn't have to know that. Don't get offended; this is a guide for men because we're always expected to pay for dinner and drinks. Hell, why can't we just split? You certainly don't have a hard time splitting when you see greener pastures and get bored of us. When your vagina starts spitting out cash like an ATM, I might consider worshiping it with the eye on the non-dollar bill in my pants.

  I don't want to hear any bullshit excuses like, "Well, if you can't afford to buy a drink, why are you even at a bar?" because quite frankly, you don't need to drink to have a conversation, it just makes the conversation easier when you are, in fact, taking shots of mystery drink x. Then you say, "So what's the point of bitching about drinks and getting women to buy you one?" That's an easy one: drinks taste good and getting buzzed is the icing on the stumbling cake.

  So where do waitresses fall in all of this?

   

  The Cute Waitress

  The other night, I was at a friend's birthday party in a bar around 54th street in Manhattan. It was a cool German "resbaurant" called Bierhaus where they brew their own stuff. To cut to the chase, my waitress was cute, and one of my friends, who happens to be female, had just gotten a free drink ordered directly to her from a mystery man across the room. I had finished my drink which my friend, who is female, treated me to because she's great and has the money to do it. Clearly in need of more beer, I leaned over to the waitress and said, "You see this girl? She just had some random guy buy her a drink. Can you believe that? Sometimes I wish I were a hot woman in order to reap these rewards that come with having a vagina."

  She laughed and said, "But you're a hot guy!" to which I replied, "Yeah, and I at least have eyeliner on, so that puts me somewhat closer to the hot woman category."

  After the laughs we shared, she said she was going to buy me a drink, which she did, and by the end of the night, she took my phone number.

  The moral of the story isn't that you should wear guyliner, it's simply that being humorous and an overall nice customer will get you free drinks, even if you're male. When it comes to waitresses, it's easier to land a free round or two because they're already working in the establishment and are clearly earning money that night. You don't have to be a dick about it; just behave normally and realize that it should be equally as normal for a woman to treat you to a drink.

  The End.

  
  

  In relationships, it should be split equally with instances where you treat one another to dinner or drinks. If one partner makes more money, whether it be the girl or the guy, it's natural that they may spend more money on the two of you, and that should be the reason for it, not gender.

  I can already feel the glares coming from the corners of the Internet and the death threats from guys in white armor looking to "defend" women from monsters such as myself who "prey" on them for a friendly glass of alcohol. I bet your mothers still pay for your Internet access, you jerk-offs. But why is that more acceptable than a woman buying a man something to drink? Why is it that your mother sending you spending cash in college is more acceptable? If anything, I'd rather "screw" a stranger out of $8 than my giver of life out of $100.

  What do you think about guys such as myself who don't mind getting free drinks from women? Should it be just as accepted? Are people who condemn this and rely on their mother for money hypocrites, or is that a bad analogy? Are you going to buy me a free drink when I see you, Jenn? ;p

  Sincerely,
  Nuñez Love Doctor.

  Certified with a PhD in Ballin' & Some Other Nonsense Word.

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