Friday, 08 July 2011
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Covering Up
There's a big chance that I get a lot of "hatingish" comments for this post, but let it be known that what I have to say has been carefully thought out, experienced, and even slightly researched. Recently, I've been having a lot of discussion on the topic of "cover dating.""Cover dating" is a theory stating that some gay people date straight people in order to cover up their own sexual preferences. A large, overwhelming even, portion of these "cover daters" don't let their girlfriends or boyfriends in on the secret. This is a disaster before it begins. By dating someone whom you are not and will not be attracted to is just plain heartless considering the fact that he or she could have the potential to fall madly for you. The relationships are one-sided and are strictly for the gain and the societal comfort of the gay person involved. What happens when he or she is ready to move on or come out is completely unfair to their unsuspecting partner.
We have seen this on television:
In Friends, Ross is married to Carol for 7 years before she comes out, divorces him, and marries Susan. Ross is completely heartbroken and is forced to move on after being completely blindsided by his wife.
Stories like this are true in the real world, too. A friend's aunt was married to a man for many years. She has two children with him. They divorced and now she has a life partner (who was also married to a man with whom she has children).
New Jersey's ex-governor, McGreevey, was married to a woman. His coming out was quite the public scandal and now she is a divorcee living alone in my hometown.
What's up with this? The country we live in, especially in the New York area, is extremely accepting of gays. I know it wasn't always, but marriage isn't supposed to be for protection against hate crimes.
Have you ever been put in a situation like this? Witnessed one? Been the one instigating it?
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 20. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (16)
I think they're called beards...
I dated a guy in hs whom I fell for completely, and right before our year anniversary he broke up with me because he "didn't love me anymore". A few years later, he moved to San Fran out of the blue with a guy and shacked up with him. I suspect that he was gay all along.
My ex girlfriends dad was married for 10 some-odd years before finally coming out. What a strange family that was
anne heche was with ellen degeneres, then they broke up and she got married to a man and had a kid, so the reverse also happens when they think they're gay but actually are straight
I just looked up anne and she has been divorced, so who knows what's going to happen next.
Yeah I've heard of this before. I think it's sad that some people do that, even if you don't feel comfortable with yourself, don't break someone else's heart.
i JUST watched brokeback mountain for the first time this week, and i've been really paranoid about this lately haha. the guys in that movie kept up the act forever, which was really heartbreaking, but you couldn't help but feel really really sorry for their wives.
i don't really know how i'd feel if my boyfriend dumped me and i found out he was gay. somehow, in my heart, i feel it wouldn't hurt as much if he left me for another woman. perhaps because, i mean i don't have a penis, if that's what you need to be happy, go to it. but if it was another woman, wtf does she have that i don't? and then i'd turn paranoid/insecure for a while. it hasn't happened to me tho, so that's all hypothetical, and i really don't know how i'd react in REAL LIFE. but yeah lol. idk, that's shitty if you KNOW you are gay or whatever. i think just sometimes they don't really know, or want to admit it even to themselves. maybe?
An acquaintance of mine married her highschool bf, who was in the closet. He married her because his grandfather was leaving him his inheritance but hated gay people so the boy waited out his grandfathers death and they divorced. How sad and heartbreaking for her.
i think this topic says a lot about society.
i think it'd be distressing to be the SO. really selfish on their part. but yet, what woman doesnt like a gay man? you see all the time woman who go "if he was straight we'd SOOO be together". lol.-- and in some cultures people are worse than america. (so if your life was at stake, id probably pose in whatever position wouldn't get me killed. thats the loophole. when peoples wellness, life, or well being are put at stake they'll really try to not do something detrimental to themselves or potentially dangeous)
marrying and lying to someone who unfortunately dedicated their life to you isnt cool though.
My neighbors had that happen. One of them was married, had two kids, and found out she was gay. The other girl had a boyfriend, and also found out she was gay. They now live together with the first woman's two kids. My friend's mom and dad were married, and they divorced for personal reasons. He found out he was gay, and now lives out in LA.
Sometimes it isn't used as a cover up. Sometimes it is. It's just as uncool to say that gays know they are gay, but still marry as if they are straight. Some do. Some don't know, and find out while they are married. Which then brings up the "But didn't they know when they were kids?" question. Some people don't really find out until later, and some find out as soon as 5. And sometimes it just depends on the family. If it's super uncool to be gay in a family, one is less likely to admit to the family and to themselves that they prefer the same sex. However, if you grow up in a family that's more open to having a gay child, then one is more likely to come out sooner, and not marry straight. If the governor is ancient, then it was foreign, weird and shameful to be gay back then. Now that the world is more accepting, he's come out.
If that happened with me and my boyfriend, I'd be okay with it. This is if he found out he's gay while dating/married to me. If he did use me as a cover up, I'd be kind of angry, probably more understanding, but move on with my life.
This has happened to friends of mine. One was particularly heart breaking b/c she loved him so much. I think she might have loved him the most out of all of her boyfriends, ever. He was never interested in doing anything sexual (but she thought it a good thing since they both were Christian). He also lead her on a lot. Then a couple years after they broke up he told her that he was attracted to men and then I think everything clicked for her. He really put her through a lot of heartache.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - I don't think you go from being gay to being straight just like that, either she was lying to herself the whole time or she just goes both ways, either way, she's a weird one.
That was my last relationship. I had been best friends with a guy for years and had suspected that maybe he was gay. Before we even became interested in each other I had questioned him about his sexuality which he would deny that he had any preference for men. We dated and he would talk about marrying me and then broke up with me last summer. It wasn't until 6 months later that he told me he was gay. Honestly I was pissed and sometimes I still am. No matter what the orientation you shouldn't screw around with people's hearts and emotions.
I come from the South Asian community where we do arrange marriages. Obviously same sex relationships are not only frowned upon but it brings shame and is basically forbidden. ( For the record, I frankly don't care straight, bi, same sex, it's whatever floats your boat as long as your keeping it safe and not hurting anyone) ANYWAYS,This guy had requested to arrange a marriage with this girl. They got married, with a big wedding and the get settled in at his condo. After like a few months the girl leaves him and wants to file for divorce. Turns out they never even slept in the same room together and his lover was living with them. It was just a cover up and really fucking twisted up way of doing it. With carol and ross, carol was unsure about her sexuality. This guy KNEW he was gay, had a lover and purposely planned out this marriage to comply to his family's wishes of getting married and following tradition. Maybe our culture is to blame but I guess it also boils down to the relationship a child has with his or her parents.
I was in a friends with benefits relationship with a gay guy, didn't know and then he said to me 'I would like this better if you were a guy'.
Pretty much destroyed me, but I'm getting better now :)Covering up dating is so heartless. :(