Wednesday, 06 July 2011

• How to Become Manly

  We're going to take an in-depth look at the life of yours truly, and analyze what makes certain actions "manly" and why they revoke my license to smoke British cigarettes.

  First off, what in the world makes something "manly"? Some will argue that being vulgar, improper, and generally disgusting gets you right into the brotherhood of all things penile in nature. They're probably right.

  No matter how much you want to fight it, the distinction between what's "strictly dickly" and "wholly holey" will exist for decades to come until we destroy each other in a literal war of the sexes. Massive cock-shaped missiles will swiftly penetrate Feminazi camps, though at the same time, a "ginantic" [sic] Hitler-mustached, talking vagina swallows up and eradicates the entire male species. The world will truly be as fucked up as my manly imagination, which brings me to my first manly quality:

  1. A Fucked Up Imagination.

  
  Women, can you remember back to when you were seven and every guy around you was making fart and booger jokes? For those a bit older, remember high school when guys slightly evolved and made dick jokes and remarks about breasts instead? What about college boys? Oh, you mean men stagnate on their joke material after high school?

  Within every man is the urge to make terrible, crude jokes involving bodily parts and fluids. Something about the human form just fascinates us. Perhaps we've grown so insecure about our parts that resorting to humor is the only way we're able to cope. It makes some semblance of sense if you look at your average Joe Bro and how his simian brain resorts to comparing the size of his pecs or actual pecker to that of his rival in order to win a dispute. Rumination is so passé; you can just talk about the disadvantages of erectile dysfunction and endowment for fortnights instead.

  What does any of this have to do with me?

  If you've read some of my past works, you'll have noticed that I'm quite... "imaginative" and will indeed resort to crude jokes at times. There's always a time and a place for it, but if used properly, it can be very effective. For example, calling Rush Limbaugh "Rush Limp-aww" or likening Sarah Palin to a big pile of boob; unthinking and constantly being the center of neo-political (stupidity redefined) suckage.

  2. Eating/Drinking While Pissing.

  
  On occasion, if I'm feeling frisky, I'll take a slice of Papa Johns pizza into the bathroom with me and bite into deliciousness while relieving myself of bladder-busting urine. The feeling of relief mingles with my tinkle to assemble a euphoric sensation unbeknownst to you "un-manly" plebes.

  Drinking, you say?

  Now, I've only done this twice, but they're both highlights in my non-Miller High Life drinking life. I'm talking about shower beers. It's a concept that gets brought up infrequently due to the absurdity of having food and beverages in the shower with you, but if those Hollywood assholes with their slicked back hair and Colgate smiles can drink Cosmos and Long Island Iced Teas while wrinkling up in a hot tub somewhere, I can damn well down a Corona in the tub with a halo 'round my head.

  If anything, it should be experienced at least once by those who aren't afraid of throwing back a lager. It might even put some hair on your chest!

  3. Walking Around in Nothing But Underwear - Everywhere.

  
  Alright, I lied about it being everywhere, but I have answered the door in nothing but my Calvin Klein tighties before. Not only that, but I've gone downstairs to throw out the trash in my boxers, too. It's partially because I don't give a fuck, and part laziness. The way I see it, if I'm not rocking a gut and it's perfectly okay for women to run around in low-cut tops and barely-there-skirts, there shouldn't be a problem. In fact, it's legal for women to walk around topless in public here in New York.

  I'm comfortable in my skin and I'm not showing off my parts to children, so I shouldn't feel any shame in walking around the house or stepping outside of it for a second in my underwear. Conventions be damned. Now, popping a boner in the presence of unsuspectingly sexy garbage... that's a different story.

  4. Excelling at Sports.

  
  In what way is that manly, you say? Well, if you take one good look at me when I decide to dress alternative, shave and summon my inner Misfits with the guyliner, you'd laugh at the thought of me kicking your macho boyfriend's ass in a game of basketball or at the batting cages, but you better believe I will. I grew up idolizing Michael Jordan and playing baseball as well as basketball every weekend, right down to desiring a bald head and darker skin. Unfortunately for Jordan, he was a terrible baseball player during his faux-retirement.

  Aside from that, the love of sports has always been designated as a "guy thing," with your stereotypical stories of women dragging their beer-swigging, pot-bellied, football loving schmucks away from their television sets on Sunday nights to talk about "feelings" in bed. What the hell are "feelings," anyway? That shit isn't manly. *

  5. Taking Up Sword Fighting.

  
  When battling each other with your dicks isn't enough, there's sword fighting. Back in high school, one of my best friends formed somewhat of a "fight club" with tournaments to determine who the most skillful of sword fighters was. We fought, we bled, and we sure as hell were a gathering of gallants. And probably dorky.

  Our sword of preference? The beautifully crafted Japanese sword: the katana. We each owned our own, but we had a spare used for actual battles which needed to be dull. Even still, we suffered cuts and bruises from landing blows against the body, and sometimes even the head. I worked my way up to the top and battled the best, which of course, was the founder of our little fight club. I lost, but I felt more like a man than ever before. This was solidified when we began carrying guitar cases across New York City to hide our swords, and used them to chase away criminals in the act.

  I'm not even joking. We went Desperado on some asses, and it was very illegal, I assure you.

  So, what makes you manly, huh? What have you done? I ask both men and women.

  *A list of the girly things I've done will be written.

  Sincerely,
  Nuñez Love Doctor.

  Certified with a PhD in Tarantinoism and Dicks.

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