Thursday, 30 June 2011
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How Serious Do We Have to be Before You Tell Your Parents?
I have been in a relationship for quite some time now--my parents still don't know about it. I live away from home for eight months out of the year at my university, but from watching the way my parents dealt with my responsible, admirable older sister's college relationships, I would actually rather not tell them about any of my romantic involvements until after I finish undergrad. They have only known about one boyfriend I have had in the past, and knowing about ONE alone caused some pretty heavy arguments between us which were a lot more distracting than any kind of distraction they made my boyfriend out to be.My sister spent two years dorming at her university and two years commuting, and for all four years my parents were under the assumption that every time she came home late or refused to come home on the weekends, she was hanging out with her boyfriends instead of studying. "You need to stop doing whatever you're doing with him and be serious about your future! Break up with him!" is what they'd say to her every day. She heard it so often that she became numb to their banter. It was like they had this perfectionist disease, believing that unless these guys were going to help her further her career or something, he wasn't welcome around them.
"Either get a 4.0 or leave him!"
A whole lot of ridiculousness for me to hear growing up.
They were unreasonable. They didn't want to talk about him or even talk to him and meet him properly, and whether or not my sister and her boyfriend had some issues or if arguing with my parents over not wanting to break up with him finally got to her head, they broke up. And I never heard about another relationship on her end ever since. I'm not completely sure if she ever snuck a boyfriend behind their backs after they delivered this ultimatum, but I do know that my summa cum laude, Business Honors program graduate of a sister was subject to my parents' overbearing, ceaseless criticism for years and years over her "not being fully dedicated to her future." Despite the boyfriends, she was still pretty damn successful and landed a full-time job while she was still in college. They never let it go though, and her situation with them was definitely a scenario I wanted to avoid at all costs.
I never prodded her about the topic. Lots of animosity surrounds it.
Because I personally live in a not-so-stable household, I know revealing this other aspect of my life would make things go awry. My parents are already unhappy with a lot of the things I do--pursuing English, Psychology, and Women's Studies at school ("you have to fight so much harder because you aren't pre-med or pre-law!"), the organizations I chose to pursue, my future plans to attend a graduate program--so I'm already always defending myself. Plus, the first thing they said to me upon meeting my boyfriend for the first time was that he "looked like a drug dealer because his hair is too long and he's too thin and gaunt-looking." Well, he was training for his first marathon and wanted to grow his hair out for once... some crazy conclusions they jump to.
Also, being as traditional as they are, they always told me they would only approve of a Catholic, Filipino boy, both of which my boyfriend is not. That just sparks a totally different argument I won't bother elaborating on because it's even more ridiculous than their 4.0 Ultimatum.
I will admit this though: my parents are just trying to be as "helpful" as they can be so I can have the financial security they struggled to earn for decades, and therefore don't want anything else to get in the way of that. I do severely disagree with their belief that a perfect academic record seals the deal for success, but old thinking habits die hard with them. Maybe because their families had pressured them to have a degree first before getting into a relationship. I have come to a better conclusion since high school though--that maybe they are being so defensive and hard-headed because they don't want me to get hurt, which would be the true distraction here, not the actual relationship.
There isn't a lot to really a lot to hide with my current relationship because my boyfriend and I work in the same city and go to the same college, but of course sometimes the question comes up--"How serious do we have to be before you tell your parents?" I think if they knew, all hell would break loose again. Until I know they can take it easy, I don't think it's worth telling them yet.
When you first get into a new relationship, do you tell your family about it right away and are they usually supportive? If not, how serious does the relationship have to be before you tell them? Have you ever hidden a relationship from your family?
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- From: dangelb
- About Me: My name means "daybreak" and I'm usually awake to watch the sunrise every morning. I'm a college student, obsessive tea drinker, and contemporary dancer. My first love was the piano before I learned how to love people. I love my R.O.B.--Really Outstanding Boyfriend--who gets just as excited as I do over antique books, soft-baked cookies, and Sporcle.
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Comments (30)
that's exactly how my parents would react. I don't think I'll tell my parents about my relationships unless they last for a really long time and I'm likely to marry the guy. just like yours, they'd chastise me for dating and every time I get a B on a test or something they'd say that it's because I'm spending too much time with my boyfriend. so yeah, I feel you on not wanting to deal with that crap. just monitor yourself to make sure you really aren't letting your relationships get in the way of your education, though.
i would only tell my family if marriage was an extreme possibilty. my situation is similar. my parents are loving and accepting of my career path though-- but i just watched my sister -- and the way she handled and did things. and thought they were really bad moves.
i also handle money way different than her and am super considerate and mindful to kind of make up for her 'choices'... so yeah, my family doesnt know everything. and i see nothing wrong with that considering the type of religious household i come from. you kind of need to think of things in terms of- 1) what their beliefs are. and 2) would they be able to understand. 3) will i marry this person, in the big picture do they really need to know all this?... so thats kind of how i break it down. if you want to talk about everything, thats what good friends are for.
Wow girl coming from a South Asian background, I can relate. It's tough.
Reading your post I wouldn't tell your parents.Especially if you are accustomed to keeping your life to yourself, than keep it yourself. I don't know exactly how long you both have been together. But if I was in your position I would probably tell my parents once I'm done school and in the process of getting a job. Or in your case once I'm done undergrad.
Unfortunatley some parents will not approve of their children's choices. My dad never approved of me switching into nursing after complying to his wishes of me prusuing pharmacy. But I stuck it too. Nursing is my passion and my life goal, and they see with my hard work, ambition and love for it that, that is truly what makes me happy. I hope that helps with in regards to your choice of studies vs. your parent's expectations. Don't worry you aren't alone on this. We all gotta do what we want. Maybe we will end up in a different area in life totally unrelated to what we are prusuing but how can you be forced to do something (i.e pre med or pre law) if that's not truly what you want. You won't be giving it your all.
As for the bf, explain the situation to him to after. but of course have this discussion when the time is appropriate between you two in regards to the seriousness of your relationship. Hopefully your bf understands where you are coming from. I would suggest the "Introduce him as a friend amongst other friends at a party" trick in the book. A few of my friends have done it to get the parents sort of introduced to the guy. But that's up to you and your bf?
So all in all if you can do the whole sneaking around behind your parents back then hold off for a bit. That would be my advice. I know it's a nuisance and I totally get what your getting at with your parent's perspective. They want nothing but the best for you and your sister, hence the protectivness. They may also be wary about other cultures, which is why they have particular standards on who they want you to marry. They may be scared that if you marry someone of a different race, religion or culture that what if he doesn't "take care of you" in the way your family has brought you up? Or what if the relationship falls apart? My brother and I are both not into marrying our own race so when we brought up the topic with my father. He said things along those lines. bahh live and let live is my belief but of course when your a parent it's a totally different ball game.
When it comes to me I generally don't even bother telling my parents officially. I just start bringing him around the house a lot more often, hang out with him all the time, etc. Eventually within a couple months my parents get a clue. Now, that's just my situation. My parents don't mind me dating but their criteria for a boyfriend is different. My dad just wants someone who isn't black that has some sort of future. My mom is a bit more.... elitist? She wants someone white or Jewish who will definitely be successful or comes from a rich household.
But like I said, that's my situation.
It sounds to me like you're better off keeping your boyfriend a secret until you get some sort of degree or level on independence where you are no longer reliant on your family. It looks like your family isn't going to approve unless he's a boy on the road to being a doctor. What I find is if you cant move the rock, then walk around it. Do what you're supposed to do and don't upset them. They are a rock and they aren't going to budge so there is no use fighting them on something that is, quite frankly, trivial. Once you've gained some independence then you can do what you want. And not in a prickish rub-it-in-their faces way but in a way that says "I'm mature and my own person. I am smart and can make my own decisions."
I tell my mom right away. We're kinda more like friends these days than mother/daughter, so I like to call her up after a date with a new guy and dish all the details. It makes us feel like giggly high schoolers...in a good way! Of course, if things do get serious with a guy, she'll be a little more critical, but not overbearing. I've made pretty good choices so far when it comes to relationships (but obviously not good enough to make them stick around...) so there's never been much drama between the BF and the parentals.
That's pretty much how my parents are. My boyfriend is Irish and Catholic just like my family, but it still isn't enough haha. They think he's too distracting even though my grades drastically increased when we started dating. I know they're always just looking out for me and they aren't so crazy now that we've been together for almost 2 1/2 years, but when we first started dating (after a six month split) they told me that I better not come back to the house until him and I weren't talking anymore. By this point, he'd already had moved states to be closer to me so breaking up wasn't going to happen. They eventually got over it though and realized that him and I were serious about our relationship. The first time we started dating I waited a few months to tell them and during the second round I didn't tell them for about eight months. It took them so long to find out because I wasn't living at home, so, when they "kicked me out" I was already living on my own haha. Your parents don't need to know everything though, especially if they aren't super supportive or at least can't listen. My mom was very supportive when I started dating my boyfriend again. She didn't like it because he bailed on taking me to my senior prom and lied to me about a bunch of things and wouldn't admit to it, but once he started admitting to it and my mom realized that we were serious, she became more supportive. She told me to stay out of the house for a few weeks, avoid my dad, and that everything would blow over it. And it did after a month. To be honest though, you don't really want to date someone your parents don't like either. It's really hard. I wish there was a way I could have waited to tell them I was dating my boyfriend again until after I was done with college because I think my dad would have been more okay with it by that point.
Oh my gosh, this post was as if I was reading about my parents! My ex and I dated for three years and they had no idea. I don't plan on telling mine unless we're ready to get married. My mom is ok with the whole dating thing, but that's only if the guy comes from a nice family and has a stable degree. My father on the other hand, dating is out of the question. So I just keep it to myself, and my best friends of course. Unlike you though, mine don't want me to be pre-med or anything of the sort. I'm pre-PA, and they still don't approve. My parents were born and raised in India so they're really conservative. Ultimately, I think they just have standards for us and want us to get what we deserve, especially coming from India as you said, they don't want us to struggle the way they did. Of course in every parents mind, their little girls deserve the best. I guess you just have to see it from their point of view, my parents are more of the "respect my authority and I'll respect and compromise with you you." I hated it in high school, but I love it now.
I didn't tell my family about my boyfriend until about 5 or 6 months after we were dating. My family is pretty dysfunctional and I didn't wanna scare him off lol Also, I wanted to make absolutely sure that we were getting serious and that I was ready for him to meet my family.
Honestly if I had parents like yours though, I would wait until I had moved out and/or married the dude.
I tell my parents about all of my friends/possible dating prospects/boyfriends. Most likely, the guy will be coming around my house (or I'll be going to his) way too much to keep it quiet or under wraps. It'd be too hard for me to keep to myself.
Are you maybe Asian? If you're not, don't take it personally. It just sounds like you have really Asian parents.
I wouldn't bring anyone home unless we were super serious/ready to get engaged soon. Everyone else doesn't matter enough. My dad won't take any guy seriously until he's asking for my hand. So...yeah. Don't tell your parents.
I never had a boyfriend until I was 18. When I got to college, I got a full ride and so I told my parents that since I was essentially paying my own way that I had the choice to disclose whatever information to them that I chose. That mostly had to do with grades, not boys. My parents have been extremely awkward about boys in the past. I dated someone for 3 months and my mother was shocked to learn I had kissed him, and then still would only call it being "kissyfaced." hahaha.
But now that I am in college, I have joined a sorority that has date party functions which I usually ask a guy that I am interested in, even if remotely. And so my mom will ask if he was just a friend, or if I like him. Its so much better than having to admit it. Or she is the mom who asks who I am texting, and then if I keep saying the same name, she tends to get the drift. But if I have a boyfriend, my mom would have at least known that he is existent before I start dating him. And we are friends on facebook, so she finds out anyway.My parents, who are very hard to please, fell in love the day they met him. We announced our engagement less than 8 hours ago and I've never seen them happier. In the end, you have you take risk sometime. If you feel he's worth it, tel them. (:
Good God, who are your parents? The Trumps? My situation is the complete opposite of yours.
My parents are ecstatic whenever my sister or I acquire a significant other. The most they want is for the S.O. to be Christian (of any denomination. Even Catholic. We're Protestant, so it doesn't matter to them) and stable. Race and other stuff doesn't matter to them.
I don't come from a wealthy family (not even a little bit), but my sister and I still attend college. However, my parents are constantly riding me to budget my study time more conservatively and socialize more often.
As for when to tell the parents you're dating, I've only ever had one girlfriend and I think I told my parents I was going to ask her out before I even made my move. I do NOT recommend that in your case. If I were you, I'd let them go to their graves thinking I was single :/
I thought my parents would be like that, but when I started dating in January, my parents had already met the guy (I live with them at home, and have all four years - just recently graduated and still home) as a friend along with a couple other classmates. They actually wound up loving him. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with my studies at that school being done, or if they just trust me enough to manage my own life but they've been very supportive of it. If I didn't live at home, I probably wouldn't let family know until we were at least going onto a year and I felt confident things were going strong.
My boyfriend on the other hand, who hasn't lived at home for several years, didn't even acknowledge my existence to his parents until a few weeks ago, likely because this is the first time he or anyone in his family has brought home anything other than a white Christian girl.
@vicdaily@xanga - She mentions her parents are Filipino. Sorry I didn't know whether you were joking or not :P
I was waiting all the way through this article for you to mention your background. I had guessed you were from Asian descent from the start. Right then.
Don't tell them. There is no point. They are happier not knowing, and if YOU believe you can still get the grades and have a financially secure future, then there is no need to let them in. They are your parents, and just want you to be happy. And being your parents they believe they know what is best for you, because they have looked after you since you were a baby. But your right, you are an adult now, and their desire for you to go with a boy of their background is because they will know him and trust without ever needing to meet him. I have a friend, of Filipino descent, who is in the same position as you. Exactly the same. And she is the biggest mummy's girl I know. But she still would never tell her parents about her English boyfriend, and only speaks to them about work and homelife. Her social life, and romantic life are off-limits, or her rents are blissfully unaware that she has a social life and romantic life.
Keep it that way. Its not your problem, and its not worth the hassle. Tell them when you get engaged :P
I'm not introducing anyone unless it's someone I want to end up marrying. I don't see the point to if they are just a boyfriend...because what if you introduce someone, and then break up? That happened to me one time. I was kind of dating this jack ass for two weeks, and then he ended up breaking up with me the day after he introduced me to all of his family and two weeks after that he started dating someone new introducing her to them as well.
If my son did that to a girl and I was the parent, I would have thought my son was extremely weird just to introduce someone and then break up with her the next day. I didn't even want to meet his family anyway. He put me on the spot and I didn't even know him.
Judging from your sisters' experience, I would say don't tell them. Generally though, I told my parents after we went from dating to being officially, exclusively together.
ive always hidden my relationships from my family although they are quite pleasant. they are Chinese and were always authoritative rather than demanding and strict like most asian parents but they never openly talked about sex and relationships, so i always thought it'd be awkward to bring a boy around. i dated my ex for a month when he met my parents, only because my parents and i were moving and needed help with heavy lifting. they loved him, it helped a lot that hes not a dumbass like all the other boys i dated and is good at chess hes so good that he beat my dad, and after that my dad dont' love him no more=D
I'm so glad I'm not alone here! :) I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years but when I first tried to tell my family about him they almost killed me. I live in a different state and have since I was 19 and I'm now 24. My boyfriend is 34 and has 3 kids. Seems like a whole lot of baggage for some one my age but you can't help who you love right. My family said he was an "old nasty bastard who is using you" Which if that were the case I don't think we would be living together and happy for the past 3 years. I wouldn't tell them unless you absolutely have too. Why cause yourself more stress? Why worry about them coming into your relationship? Until marriage is on the table keep living your life. Unfortunately, for me I have to tell the family soon, or just elope!! haha Good Luck!!!
my roommate had been dating her boyfriend for 2 years before she told her parents. She was worried they wouldnt accept him because he was not the same culture as her and her parents were very strict with her schooling thinking that she couldnt balance both. When she told them they were mad, but knew they couldn't stop her. So far its been fine
@vicdaily@xanga - That's what i thought too. I think she said that she is Filipino.
I'm Asian too! What I did was hide it from my parents for as long as I could.. they caught me with my boyfriend around the 2 year mark.. Around the 5 year mark, I got tired of lying to them about who I was hanging out with all the time, so I just told the truth, and they figured I was still going out with him. They're more okay with him now, but it's not a subject we really talking about. I gotta admit that it makes the relationship a lot better when you don't have to sneak around and lie all the time. But lying is better than your parents going ape shit at you. You should hide it for now... you're away in college, so it'll be pretty easy!
I think you should keep it to yourself because it sounds like from your sister's experience that your parents aren't exactly keen on the ideas of relationships or they just have too many strict things about it.
Either way, it seems like they won't be happy anyway. It happens sometimes and you gotta live with it. Though I think you should wait for awhile before disclosing the relationship to your parents, when you guys are more serious. It might save you some grief. Though there is that feeling, your parents won't ever be happy with what you do. You might wanna take that into account if that happens.
In the past, I was usually really excited to tell my parents. Either that, or they just found out on their own. Overall, however, I don't bother telling them. They likely just make the connection themselves based on who I hang out with the most or something.
I still live at home so my parents usually meet my dates right away, but this time I managed to date my boyfriend since February before they I told them about them recently. He's the first guy I'm 100% proud/eager for my parents to meet. He's smart and mature and charming. He's not like the losers I dated in my past.
Anyways, they're still too preoccupied with my sister's issues of coming out of the closet to be worried about my relationship....
I know that your parents are right for being worried about your GPA, but you're in COLLEGE, living ON YOUR OWN. Now that you're an adult (practically in the real world), you can do whatever you want...providing your GPA isn't falling. It sounds contradictory, I know. But as long as it's staying the same and your relationship isn't cutting into your education (that should always come before a relationship. trust me), then I honestly see no problem with dating in college. That's what college is for: experimenting, learning, and learning about yourself.