Wednesday, 29 June 2011

• The Worst Celebrity Wax Figures Ever Created: In Your Home Edition

  
  Back when Mancouch was around, I put together this post after having witnessed the absolute worst creations this side of God's own Earthly children. Today, I bring you an updated version with a twist: If your partner were to purchase an expensive wax figure or portrait which you found repulsive or offensive, would you make him or her return it? Would you deal with it? Perhaps burn it like a Roman candle? I ask because I remember my father once harassed my mom about this huge portrait of Fidel Castro's bushy mug which he wanted to hang up in the center of their living room.

  My mom vehemently refused and told him to sell it, which my father of course, never did. Instead, he kept it stashed away behind the bed and out of view, hoping to one day feature papa Fidel in his home. To be a little more broad about the topic, decorating a home takes time and compromise. However, there's usually one partner with more creative control and say over the color of the walls, placement of lamps and how many closets to reserve for shoes. 

  

  These figures have been around for a while, but some are still being auctioned off for a few thousand dollars if you feel like making your house creepy or you have a fetish to satisfy. Like the Predator-meets-Planet-of-the-Apes version of Whoopi Goldberg above, some of these may burn your eyes even if you've taken preventative measures and are wearing goggles. That is correct, the goggles will do nothing.
  
  Tiger Woods:
  
  
  Tiger's take on an anorexic giraffe proves that evolution doesn't always work as you plan. If Dave Chappelle could breed with zoo animals, this is the result provided that the animal in question is a giraffe and that it was punched repeatedly during pregnancy as well as injected with heroin on a daily basis. Maybe mix in some Aunt Jemima, too.
  
  Leonardo DiCaprio:
  
  
  He looks like a flamboyant, overweight, current-day Steven Seagal with a shitty fashion sense and hives.
  
  Michael Jordan:
  
  
  They've defaced my childhood idol and made him look like a cancerous burn victim.
  
  Mr. T:
  
  
  This looks like a white man trying his darndest to be as cool as Mr. T and failing horribly as in a scientific experiment gone horribly wrong. This might be passable as a half-assed Halloween costume, but as it stands, I've seen better body-painted "pale as snow" white men pretending to be black. It's also missing the Jewelry, which is a crime.
  
  Antonio Banderas as Zorro:
  
  
  Everything about this wax figure is just wrong. This has to be a new concept for a "Hamburglar" outfit. The only other possible explanation is LSD.
  
  Lawrence Fishburne as Morpheus:
  
  
  I somehow missed the homoerotic, "Twilightified" version of The Matrix where you were actually plugged in through the anus and Trinity was a drag queen.
  
  Bill Cosby:
  
  
  I imagine this is what he looks like after going on a JELL-O binge and watching too many Candyman movies. He could pass as a pedophile as well, I guess. Can you imagine waking up to this thing in the middle of the night?
  
  Elton John:
  
  
  I couldn't find the proper words to describe this one, so we'll just call it "Dyke in Black and White" or something to that effect. I think it's catchy.
  
  Denzel Washington:
  
  
  This is what he would look like in an alternate universe where he's actually Robert Downey Jr's Hispanic brother from another mother.
  
  Bruce Willis:
  
  
  Anyone who thought he was big-headed is clearly wrong. Or maybe he was juicing up while aspiring to look like the Goombas from the old Super Mario Bros. movie.
  
  Bruce Springsteen:
  
  
  The Boss, if he were a clinically retarded Jason Biggs look-alike on valium, with really large pants and/or no feet.
  
  Beetlejuice:
  
  
  I wasn't aware that there was a version of the movie which featured Adam Carolla in this very role. Actually, that's not accurate. It's Adam Carolla's color-blind version of Ronald McDonald covered in 5-day-old Budweiser hangover bile.
  
  Hulk Hogan of Wrestling Fame:
  
  
  If Zombieland were ever to become a reality, this is what you can expect Hogan to look like. This is a dead ringer for Hulk "Zombie" Hogan. On top of that, it kind of looks like he sunbathed in shit at the Jersey Shore with Snooki and company.
  
  Elaine from Seinfeld:
  
  

  She looks like a diseased chipmunk plotting to rip the nuts right out of your cargo pants. The hair looks like it was scalped off of an unwashed Metalhead and arranged in the most unflattering way possible, as if to emulate rotting seaweed to make her troll face appear to be a notch above "vomitrocious."

  Clay Aiken:

  
  Don't let the name fool you; he's eternally made of wax with an extra twinkle in his eyes for added effect.

  Quentin Tarantino:

  
  Normally I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between ugly and uglier, but they definitely defiled my favorite movie director with this motherfucking bullshit. They transformed the older version of the annoyingly-voiced lead singer of New Found Glory into a cross between Frankenstein and the legendary Peter Lorre. Creepy fucking shit. They shoulda' betta' known betta'.

  Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura:

  
  Does anyone else see it? It looks more like he's in mid-transformation after having placed The Mask on his face, and spiritually summoning the ghost of Mr. Rogers' very own Lady Elaine Fairchilde, the scary, mischievous puppet from the neighborhood. Talk about nightmares, this puppet was the original Jigsaw Killer, the original Pennywise and the very first Godforsaken Michael Bloomberg-looking puppet ever conceived.

  Drew Barrymore:

  
  If she were a spell-casting, Harry Potter loving, Wicked Witch of the West idolizing goth, it might be kind of accurate. As it stands, her wax counterpart looks like she's the missing fifth witch from The Craft.
  
  So, which of these wax figures would you plant in your home? How fond of the idea to place celebrity wax figures in your home would you be if your partner insisted on it? Could you handle it? What about good old Fidel Castro?

  Sincerely,
  Nuñez Love Doctor

  Certified with a PhD in Celebrity Al Pacas and Terrible Wax Versions of Them.

  Image Source

  Image Source
  Image Source

  Image Source
  Image Source
  Image Source

  Image Source
  Image Source

  Image Source

  Image Source

  Image Source

  Image Source

  Image Source

  Image Source

  Image Source

  Image Source Image Source Image Source Image Source Image Source Image Source Image Source

  • 8:30 PM
  • 6702 Views
  • 65 eProps
  • 36 Comments