Tuesday, 28 June 2011
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At the Risk of Sounding Incredibly Sexist: The "Double Standard"
"Why is it when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's called a slut, but when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, he gets high-fived in the locker room? What a DOUBLE STANDARD!"Heard this before? Of course, on the surface it has merit; I mean, the whole ordeal is meant to imply that women are treated unfairly in society. The more men a woman sleeps with, the trashier she is, but the more women a man sleeps with, the more of a stud he is. There's nothing right at all about that, is there?..Except you're not looking at the big picture. What this "double standard" fails to acknowledge is the way in which people find potential partners (whether for purely sexual reasons or for longer commitments). Think about it. In male-female interaction*:
Who buys who the drinks? The male.
Who invites who to dance? The dude.
Who is expected to approach? The man.
Who is expected to say all the right things? The guy.
In most cases. Of course, sometimes you'll find the more assertive female every so often, but I feel like 85-95% of the time, it is the guy doing these things. Of course, correct me if I'm wrong, but when complaining about guys, girls' complaints tend to run along the vein of "He said X and I was like '..EXCUSE ME?' What kind of girl does he think I am? Boys are so dumb/Men are such pigs." Whereas guys' complaints about girls run along the vein of "I just said X and she freaked out on me! Girls are so high maintenance/Women are impossible." Notice something. The guy complains about her reaction to his approach, whereas the girl complains about the guy's approach and its poor taste.
*My apologies to the homosexual crowd: I just don't know enough about gay/lesbian interpersonal dynamics and how different or not different they are from heterosexual dynamics to write accurately on the subject :3
Think about the dating scene! Guys are in a position of helplessness, if you think about it. We buy drinks, we buy meals, we say sincere compliments, we pull out chairs, we open doors, we tell bad jokes, and maybe a girl will give him a second glance. The girl, on the other hand, is able to sit back and be selective. It might be a little tough at first, but any girl experienced in the dating scene probably has the ability to let guys/suitors down lightly (..or not).
Girls can literally go to a club, make eye contact with a man she thinks looks attractive, wait for him to come over, and decide in the first 15 seconds whether she's still interested or not. Guys have to either hope to get lucky and that a girl will silently beckon him over, or make cold approaches and pray that she values her drink enough to not splash it all over you. I think we can all agree that girls do not make as many cold approaches as guys.
(Now, it of course can be argued that the social stigma against girls making the first move is kind of a damper for girls when it comes to dating, and that's fair. But, to refute that, I would be quite surprised to find a guy that wasn't at least flattered from any girl outwardly showing interest in him. Jus'sayin.)
Assuming we're in agreement so far, I contend that society's current trend to demean promiscuous women as slutty and promiscuous men as impressive and respectable has some merit to it. Hear me out, I'm not saying that I think people should sleep with as many people as possible, nor am I saying that everyone should just be chaste. But this is the bottom line. Knowing the mentality of a lot of men out there, if there is a willing woman that's at least moderately attractive, they will be all over that. Sometimes she won't even have to be attractive; lots of guys are just happy to get some action. It is not the same the other way around. As a man, you cannot go out, make your intentions for sex obvious, and expect women to flock towards you (unless your name is Usher).
Correct me if I'm wrong, but women are emotionally driven creatures; more often than not, a woman needs to be in the right emotional state in order to be "in the mood." Men are physically driven creatures; they're kind of ready to go anytime. There are exceptions, but that's generally the case, non? There, it takes significantly more effort (and arguably talent and skill) for a man to be able to say that he slept with 10 women in TWO weeks than it takes for a woman to be able to say that she slept with 10 men in ONE week. All the woman has to do is dress like she wants sex, and she'll more than likely get sex. The man has to push the right buttons and have the perfect blend of charm and good looks in order to get the same thing.
Thus, a woman that sleeps around is generally desperate. This might make some of you mad but I feel like it's true. There's absolutely nothing at all to brag about giving yourself to dozens of different men; hardly a unique talent. Conversely, A man that sleeps around generally has above-average social skills. Not to mention, the personality qualities that make said man a successful player probably would have gotten other men to respect him regardless of his sex partner count. The double standard is meaningless.
Now, before I close, I'm not bashing on all women, or really even the women/people that hold this view. Girls, I'm not calling you a slut if you've slept with multiple guys, and dudes, I'm definitely not saying I respect you for having dozens of sexual partners. I just feel like this notion of a "double standard" is a bit of a misconception and the purpose of this post was to inform whomever may read this of how I see the issue.
Reader, what are your thoughts on the "double standard"? Are women vilified unfairly for their promiscuity? Or is it really just a reflection of the courting system in place today?
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About the Author
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- From: The_Aftershock_3650@xanga
- Name: I'm John.
- Location: Texas, United States
- About Me: I'm just an 18 year old kid trying to find his way in the world.
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Comments (126)
You've pointed out a lot of things I agree with, regarding the reason the double standard exists. Interesting post. It's like the old saying about a master key vs a lock that can be opened by many keys.
*cue bitchy girls and idealistic guys who will say "oh heaven forbid that! You're stupid LOLOLOL"*
eh. i think it still sucks. i mean, if people/girls dont do anything to forward themselves thats fine.
but personally, some woman have high sex drives. i definately know for a fact that some people can barely function if they're not getting laid. than theres the bitches who put down girls for getting action.
i think the double standards exists out of insecurity. guys are bitter because of what they do, it doesnt work, and they hate seeing other people succeed/getting screwed over. and girls are largely insecure, so seeing a girl succeed (or even like the same guy) is seen as a huge threat, and they'll of course use any excuse to tear her down. since a large amount of the population consists of insecure men and women that is why the double standard Happens. and is completely prevalent=mainstream culture. IMO...
You make some great points. Your post is a very enjoyable read.
i see your point
I agree with pretty much everything you wrote. I don't think double standards are fair on either end of the spectrum - if guys can sleep around then girls should be able to sleep around. However, guys do have it rough in a lot of instances. Girls get doted on and guys have to put in a good majority of the effort to start a relationship.
now i know what to say when girls call me a man-ho. permission to print this blog out and keep said blog in my wallet?
Women are simply vilified for admitting we are sexual creatures too. I think you overestimated how easy it is for a woman to go out "get laid". It's easy for a guy to get laid too if he can determine the level of drunk a girl is. I've seen guys get laid very easily and it has nothing to do with their pick up skills or looks. It has everything to do with their lack of a conscience and ability to think nothing of sleeping with drunk girls. I'd like to see the stats on these man-hos as to how many girls they got into bed who were sober.
I agree with your reasons for why the double standard persists to this day. However, the double standard began because men are jerks and want to keep the "good women" "pure" for marriage. Bottom line the reason people think women who have a lot of sex with a lot of guys are sluts is because culturally women are supposed to be sexless and remain "perfect and pure" for their future husband. And as usual throughout history, men can do whatever the heck they want. Gotta control those "dirty women" by shaming them.
So true and such a good article!!
if the woman, who constantly sleeps around is generally insecure, then I don't see what talent the guy has if she is so easy and willing to have sex with him but plays coy for a short while, then has sex with him because that was also her intention. it isn't really an achievement if both genders are insecure and are looking to find sex, so it will take little effort to get laid if he flirts with the insecure ones. the post yesterday was about how women are like prostitutes but this post makes guys sound like they are circus clowns who have to put on a comedy show to entertain and charm women in exchange for sex, so in a similar way, men are also like prostitute clowns
Kind of wish it was that easy for me. It's more frustrating to sit and wait and not get approached than to have the power of initiating!
you make valid points in how for men, its work for SOME of them to get laid as opposed for women where most of us, if we wanted sex we can just get it. and i say some men because some very attractive males or extremely charming ones can just get vagina anywhere and anyhow. so their efforts are none at all except unzipping their pants, if even that lol. aka man whores. anyway. i think there are women out there that just looooooove sex! and if they want it, they have every right to pursue meaningless sex without being judged as a slut. some women CAN have meaningless sex and just wanna get off like any other guy out there. doesnt make them desperate as you stated. if there is any desperation its for a good fuck, the same desperation as a man who is looking for sex. now there are women out there that put out just to get some guys attention and the only way they can get it is to lay down for a few minutes and get it that way. now thats just sad and slutty there. either way, this issue will never be resolved because people are too hypocritical, narrow minded, or stubborn.
@baggageclaime@xanga - I second that.
Another way to explain the "Double Standard" is the value system that is placed upon each gender. A woman's value is based upon, ignoring physical beauty or personality for a moment, how many men she sleeps with. The less men she sleeps with the more valuable she is. The more she sleeps with, the less valuable she becomes. A man's value derives from how many women he's slept with.
In regards to women, lets apply basic childlike behavior for a moment. When your a child and your parents tell you you can't have something, what happens? You want it that much more. The same applies to women. If a woman won't sleep with someone, they desire and pursue her even more. An even more significant example is when a woman is a virgin, that means there is guarantee that whichever man finally "Pops her cherry" will have zero competition for his genes.
In regards to men, lets apply childlike behavior again but in a different instance. Things go in fads with children, so as soon as a few other kids have something everyone else wants it, like how Pokemon started. Now say a guy is a "man whore" well the mentality behind that being valuable is the same, if other people have had him then other women will desire him as well. To further explain this goes back to a woman's value system, there is tremendous pressure put upon her to select the right "mate", thus is she chooses a man who has already been with other women it reassures that she is making the correct decision in choosing a quality partner.
Is it fair? No, of course not.
Haha, sorry to take away from your post, either way it was great.
@vicdaily@xanga - hahaha I'm in the same boat and was thinking the same THING as I read his post.
Wait, so you're basically saying that women never get rejected.
I've been embarrassingly mortifyingly rejected a few times, okay. Maybe that's just because I'm the type of girl that doesn't play stupid gender role games and I go after what I want, but don't assume that your little box here suits everyone.
I like your arguments. But I usually see it another way. As the exception, it's easy for me to see that what attracts the exception is just a handle for the typical; which works out great for the socially skilled. What attracts the typical is often repulsive to the exception. The exception has no great need for suave and exceptional social skills though. The people the exception wants to attract will see through it. Social skills are for swindling dense fools. Just giving a damn is enough for those who aren't.
@xxfl1@xanga - it's okay to get laid a lot of times with the same person. it's called being in a relationship. maybe these girls need to be introduced to particular electronic devices.
I'm usually the one who shows interest first, approach someone first, flirt first, do everything first. So, I do not see your point. And though never have, I wouldn't give two hoots if i was called a slut. Double standards like those outlined above don't really exist in the modern 21st century anymore, only in backassward cities.
you make some good points
but, women are also changing and being more assertive
or maybe it's just me, haha
but, it's a bit of a double standard...
but i don't think anyone can really change it. >.<
believe me though, not all women are emotional creatures... haha
here is where you're wrong: you say that women are emotional creatures, men are physical creatures. NO. a male or female, either way, is a creature of the species Homo sapiens, and wether we allow our emotinoal or physical wiring to take dominance has more to do with nurture and our own selves, than any such pregiven "nature".
sometimes, we are just horndogs, just the same as you. we aren't always looking for a loving, commited relationship, the right state of mind, blah, blah, blah to be turned on. flat out, sometimes a woman wants action. sex feels good for us, too!
but of course, to act out of accordance with the "emotional sex only" assumption and stereotype would make us desperate and a ho. no woman is assertive, pays for her own drinks or dates, asks people on dates, no woman is independant, etc. etc. a woman should only ever have sex after she is wood over by an impressive, prospective mate to whom she will later be a good housewife.
god, the logic behind this double standard is just as medieval as the thing itself. can we please just drop the lot?
i mean what if i wooed 100 men with dinner and a date and charm and sexiness, would that make me a stud? nah, i'm still a slut, because i've got a vagina.
@vicdaily@xanga - hahaha this is why i would totally hate to be a girl.
@xxfl1@xanga - I completely agree. This is why the double standard exists, no question about it. Most of the time, it goes like this:
1) A guy calling a girl a slut = jealous that she hasn't slept with him
2) A girl calling a girl a slut = jealous that the girl in question is getting more action and attention
Not to say that this is always the case; there are some girls out there that, yes, are total fucking sluts. They will sleep with anyone at any time and have no second thoughts about it. They are the ones who barely remember WHO they have slept with, or how many they have slept with. But just because a girl has slept with a high number of guys doesn't automatically mean she's a slut; there are other factors that go into "slutiness." You could sleep with 100 people in your life, but the circumstances surrounding those encounters are always different. Unless you know someone (or someone's actions, their TRUE actions and not just nasty rumors) to the core, you cannot correctly judge their sex life.
I think the problem is that no one has ever come up with a legit, well-known word for a guy who is slutty. Calling someone a "man-whore" is usually more funny or used jokingly than it is a seriously derogatory term.
Geeze, I wish I could just dress sexy and then get automatic ass. That does not happen. I know I'm not that fugly...so what gives!? Do guys just sleep with any girl out there? I doubt they go after fugly girls, same reason I wouldn't with a fugly guy. I think it ultimately is a hard thing to quantify because perception is so subjective. I could think that if a guy got with many girls he's bad ass but it's possible that he's just getting it with a lot of desperate ugly girls. On the other hand, a girl who is sleeping around a lot could mean she's a slut or it could mean she's hot and everyone wants her. I don't think it's quite this clear cut.
@starcrossedloversdivine@xanga - those DEVICES dont FUCKIN WORK. SOME PEOPLE LIKE MEN!!! THATS HOW THEY GET TURNED ON!
@not_your_concern@xanga - straight up. no term for men needed. america is based on patriarchal beliefs soo... want fairness guess we'll have to hit some other culture. lol.
@vicdaily@xanga - I agree! Sitting and waiting holds no power.