Monday, 27 June 2011
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My Verbally Abusive Ex Left Me With Insecurities I Can't Seem to Get Past
Recently I've been reminiscing (not in a nostalgic way) on one of my past relationships. My first long term boyfriend (lasted for 2 years) was completely long distance. We met at a wedding in Jersey but I'm from Delaware and he's from Massachusetts. Regardless, we made it work. Barely.Saying the relationship was unhealthy is a huge understatement. I had never known someone could claim they love you yet be so mean. Very long story short, he was the most verbally abusive, mentally unstable, manipulative person I had ever met. I was under the impression he was my "first love" and I was his. It's true that you're blinded when completely immersed in the situation.
He would tell me I was ugly, that I was horrible in bed (I had lost my virginity to him), that all these other girls were betting looking than me, he called me a slut, a whore, everything you can possibly think of. He constantly accused me of cheating when I was away at college, he tried to make me transfer schools saying our relationship depended on it, he lied about drugs, and so much more. I know you're thinking, why would she ever stay in that relationship?
I always rationalized with myself telling myself that whenever we would be together the next time around, things would be perfect. And, usually when we did see each other, things were great. It was when I left to go back home or back to school that everything fell apart. Over time he completely destroyed me. I admit, I let him do it. I had lost all self esteem and I began developing this insecurity that I can never be truly loved by a man.
When I finally grew a backbone to break up with him (on the eve of our 2 year anniversary), I was left with nothing. Granted, I was so proud of myself for finally doing it. He actually drove the 6 and half hours to my school just to beg me not too, but I stayed strong.
I had to build myself back up from the pile of rubble the relationship left me in. Since then I've dated a couple other people, one very seriously. Unfortunately, I was put in yet another long distance relationship (this time we were on opposite coasts) and under the circumstances we decided it would be best and the most healthy decision to break up.
The reason why I've been reminiscing on this abusive relationship lately is because I'm starting to realize that a lot of the insecurities I have stem from him. I thought I had gotten over everything and that I was OK, but I was wrong. My insecurities have been coming out worse than ever lately just as I finally meet someone who I have this indescribable bond with. We've been "talking" or whatever you'd like to call it, for about 4 months now and he tells me that he wants me to get over my insecurities before we can continue a romantic relationship.
My heart was completely shattered. I really like this guy and we both agree we have so much potential. But maybe he's right. I'm so sick of feeling the way I do sometimes and I am desperate to get over these insecurities my ex left behind. Not for the guy I'm trying to win back, but for myself. That's when I know I'll be truly happy.
The problem is, I've been dealing with these feelings for so long, how do I get rid of them?
What's your best advice for getting over the insecurities you developed over a past relationship?
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- From: lexology@lovelyish
- Name: Alexis
- About Me: I'm a rising Senior at Cornell University. I'm an English major who LOVES to write. Spoken word is a big hobby and I love performing. My interests are as random as my personality and I love everything from what's on the runway to problems in third world countries. Like any other 21 year old, I love shopping, music, friends, bar hopping, fashion, magazines, poetry, coffee shops, cute boys, etc. Follow me on Twitter @Wild3_Thing
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Comments (20)
poor girl, sorry that you had to go through that :( I've only been in one serious relationship (which I'm still in now) but I have a buttload of insecurities from my family. My advice to you would be to surround yourself with positive people that love you, realize that he was mentally sick and it's not your fault and also get therapy if it's possible.
Good luck, hopefully one day you can get past this.
I second @rabbit_heart@xanga's comment entirely.
I've been in the same situation that you have been. My last relationship was long distance and she was very abusive (mentally, emotionally and physically). We were on opposite coasts (not to mention international as well).
She would tell me things, even if they weren't true, just to hurt me out of spite. She would play games with my mind, telling me she cheated on me, that she would rather talk to another boy than me, even though I spent over $500 in phone cards just so I can talk to her. She also try to make me choose between her or my best friend. She even tried to tell me who I can and can't hang out with.
We've been broken up for over 7 months now, but I always have these reminiscent thoughts about the relationship, about how I let it go on for so long and how I could let someone treat me that way. For them to say that they love you, but still treat you as if you were the dirt beneath their stomping feet.
What I do now is while I can't just simply erase it from my memory, I use it to build myself up, improve in areas where I knew I didn't do so well in the past, and have these as motivation to make my next relationship strive (and to know the red flags if the next relationship is to turn out the same as the last). Good luck with everything and I hope you will find peace with this.
wow. i had a past relationship that was exactly the same. i was in new york, while he was in philly. i did everything in my power to be with him, and even when he put me down or broke promises, i rationalized it just as you did. and because of him, i'm terribly insecure. i still don't know exactly how to get over it, but i'm sure i drive my current boyfriend nuts when i constantly need his reassurance.
@rabbit_heart@xanga - I second this piece of advice.
There's an old idea that a person's personality is an "average" of the five people he/she interacts with most on a daily basis. It's a good idea to surround yourself with people who are supportive (but not sycophantic - you don't want to get narcissistic either).
Another thing to do is to engage yourself in new hobbies, and rediscover any old one's you've abandoned. In the process you may find out that (1) you are really good at things you never expected to be and (2) you still can do all of the old things you once did. Both of those go a long way in boosting your self-esteem and also normalizing your emotional state.
I had a similar relationship myself, so I totally sympathize. My heart goes out to anyone who has to put up with a relationship like that, because they are very damaging and it can be hard to get out of them (mine lasted four years, so kudos to you for getting out so quickly *hugs*).
It really is hard to shake the things these abusive people say... I still find myself doubting aspects of my personality and appearance, and it's been at least five years now... Sadly, all you can really do is try to build yourself back up, and surround yourself in positive influences. That and councelling can help, although even this didn't fix me entirely.
All I can suggest is that you hang in there. Remember that you are a strong person, and that you deserve to be happy. People who abuse you like that only do so because they are weak and are trying to bring you down - often because they think it will make you stay with them. You are much better off, and you will get through this. Just stay strong and remember that you are worth while. :)
he was trying to force his insecurities on you. he was successful. the best way to take back the win is to be above him, and not blame him. the best way to get over it is slowly take control of negative thinking and turn it around to something positive. i have been in the exact same position as you 4 years deep. i learned a lot to get over these insecurities (some still linger every once in a while), but it was a part of your life which is a part of you. that could be made into something special for yourself!
I dated a guy exactly like that. It was the same situation, minus the distance (he lived 4 blocks from me). What helped me get over a lot of insecurities he gave me, was to be in a healthy relationship. I am no longer with the man who brought me out of that, but I will always appreciate how he made me feel like I deserved someone to treat me right. Every once in a while, some of my insecurities will still creep back up, but my current boyfriend is doing his best to make them go away entirely. I wish you the best of luck.
I was also in a similar relationship.
My suggestion is that if this guy wants to pursue a romantic relationship with you in the future, he should be there to help and support you with the ongoing changes...because things like this just won't happen over night. You can't just get over them, because you will have relapses and you need that support. Sorry, if that sounded like a lecture
Getting up everyday and facing yourself raw and exposed is what helped me. Wake up, put the foot in front of the other, smile, talk to strangers and just love on others. It's hard, focus on you, focus on the positives you bring, accept you have flaws but, you are willing to be you, the best person you can be and that everyday you will try. Take each day as it comes, if you slip, acknowledge it, nip it and walk with pride knowing you will be okay.
It's hard work, but you can do it. Good luck!
I haven't had a relationship like yours (or many of these commenters), but I can sympathize. I have to second @breathandsunshine@xanga's comment, the part about taking back control. When someone else leaves you feeling insecure, they are in control - they've pulled your roots out of the ground, and are standing in that spot that YOU deserve to be in. There are people in this world who will shove their own issues on other human beings, and perhaps it would help you to think that whether it was you or some other girl, he still would've done it. It didn't matter. It wasn't you. Don't take it personally. You just happened to be the girl who became entangled with this man, and that's not your fault; it doesn't make you any less of the person you were before you met him! When people go through traumatizing experiences, you must push to be a survivor and spin it into something positive. It seems like you're in a weakened state now, but think about this - you'd have never learned any lesson if you hadn't experienced what you did. And if you can't see the lessons now, you will, in time.
As for the guy you're interested in now, my suggestion would be to wait until your feet are on steadier ground to form a relationship. I can't say that relationships haven't been formed when one person was hurting, because they have, but I feel that it's healthier for you to find that self-control and harness that strength within you (and it's there!) before you embark on another relationship, however different it may be.
Good luck honey!
i really feel this post. first off im so glad you found someone amazing and cool to kind of take care of things that makes me happy.
i had this terrible emotionally abusive/manipulative/psycho thing too. its hard to describe but essentially they were in my life because my other friend groups started kind of splitting off. i love to hang out so was game. i literally only now removed from the situation-- realize how awful they were, and how bad they treated me. too many traumatic experiences to count. i literally just removed myself from the situation completely, for me it wasnt insecurity so much as trauma (a thing for me to get over)- but i surround myself in a healthy environment now and everyone in my life is a good person who authentically cares about me. and its a process, and im taking it slow, but can see the difference already. im just glad i got out when i did, and will never let anyone like that in my life again. i look back and am amazed by how much i let them affect me and how out of hand it got. (i look back and think to myself, i should've left as soon as we met. i always had a bad feeling about her)-- but whatever what happened, happened. nothing we can do now. except move forward, and live a good healthy life at our pace.
my best piece of advice to you would be to reach out and find a way to connect with and help others. i don't mean that you shouldn't take time to nurture and care for yourself - but what i mean is that when you are hurting, sometimes the best way to heal is to reach out and help other people. volunteer at a shelter, get involved with some writing for an activist group, etc.
while it won't give you confidence that you are, say, good in bed, it does help build up a confidence in yourself as a strong, kind, passionate, giving, etc. woman who has so much to offer the world. in return, when people try to take confidence away from you, you can look back at what you've done and say, no. i am stronger than this. wyou can have is this kick to the curb asshole, not my confidence and love.
also just getting really involved in something helps. maybe for you really delving into say, a spoken word club or some such thing. maybe find a way of taking one of your passions and introducing it to others. take up a new sport. do things that you can check off of a list - eg, yes, i tried so and so, yes, i learned this or that. confidence comes from knowing what you can and have done, so finding a way to build on that list is the biggest way to build yourself up.
you are a sum total of all your experiences... so start finding ways to create the good experiences you want for yourself, that you want to fill your heart up with.
It sounds like you were in a Codependent relationship. He was immensely dysfunctional and you were enabling him. And please don't take the word "Codependent" for the obvious definition, it's an actual condition and unhealthy mindset that can take awhile to overcome. Perhaps I'm wrong but by the sound of it you have a lot or residual issues left from this abusive relationship and I think it would be worth looking into. Just as a suggestion, Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" could be a good place to start.
Even if you don't want to go in that direction I'd recommend talking to someone. You've admitted you do have a lot of leftover insecurities and unfortunately if you don't deal with them they're going to carry over into the next relationship and probably hinder it a great deal.
I was in a similar position but only for 4 months. Looking back I am amazed with myself for letting it go on for even that long but my advice to you is everyday look yourself in the mirror (make sure it is an EVERYDAY routine) and tell yourself you're beautiful and a good person and everything he ever said to you was his insecurities being put on you. It will take a while and if you feel the need to go and talk to a therapist. They work wonders. And if you let this guy know that you are trying to mend this insecurities and hes still saying wait tell him to piss off because if he really cared about you he would work through this with you. The boyfriend that I am with now knows that I am very insecure from what I've been through and he is willing to work with me on it and is being very patient and understanding. And if the guy who you are pursuing cant manage to do that then he definitely isn't worth it at all. Take it one day at a time and one step at a time. Recovery from an emotionally abusive relationship is a long process but it can be done. Just remember YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON AND DESERVE THE BEST IN LIFE.
Hey! I know exactly how you feel. I was in a relationship for 7 yrs. Out of the 7 we were married for 4 and also had 2 sons. After I had my first son was when things started to go down hill. His family got more involve in our relationship, bills and us being new parents came into play. After a while he started to become very abusive not in a physical way, but in an emotional way. See during both of my pregnancies I had gestational diabetes, in which causes u to gain more weight. I am only 4'9 and with my 2nd child I weighted up to 180 lbs...well that didnt't help. He started callin me a fat ass, ugly, disgusting, and telling me I would never find nobody that would except me bc I was only 21 and had 2 kids. So the last 2 yrs of our marriage we didnt even sleep in the same room. I got very depressed and felt so alone. I wanted to stay and work it out for the sake of my kids. Then it got to the point that I was just miserable and it was affecting my dayly life and me spending time with my kids and then I knew I had to do something.I finally got the courage to say enough was enough and I left. I have met a good man who loves and adores me and my boys though sometimes I catch myself making him suffer for the emotional pain that endured from my ex husband.
The first thing is, don't tell yourself that that was somehow "working". Commit to telling yourself the absolute truth about yourself and why you think the way you do, even if it's ugly.
When you're having feelings or emotions, ask yourself what's guiding those feelings. Determine whether it's logical or not. If it's not, realize that what you're feeling doesn't make sense and let go of it.
And, this guy you're talking to. It's a nice idea to have everything sorted out before you get into a relationship- finances, emotional problems, whatever- but it's kind of unrealistic as well. It also doesn't bode well for him being there for you when something bad happens and you need his support- which will happen, that's life. I understand if what he wants is a solid commitment from you that you'll work hard on your problems- that's reasonable. But postponing a relationship until they are dealt with- you might want to ditch this guy.
You didn't deserve the treatment from your ex. I've been in your shoes and I guess most people like him are heartless or are unstable in the mind. He may have ruined your happiness then, but you have the power to make choices to allow you to be happy now and in the future. Honestly I'm not quite sure whether I was less insecure when I met my now boyfriend but he has helped me in my self-esteem and such. Maybe you can find someone whom you like and is willing to help you with your past/insecurities. I think if you choose the right partner, you'll forget most of your insecurities, if not all. Insecurities can come up anytime in a relationship anyway.
Good luck and remember, you are the most beautiful woman in someone's eyes.
I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I was able to get out of it after a few months, but it did leave me with some issues. I decided to stay single, and talk to a counselor to work on my issues. I realized that in order to stay in the relationship in the first place, I probably already had some self-esteem issues. It did wonders for me to force myself to be alone and to really stick to my guns about it and not start to move forward in life until I had moved forward on the inside. It also helped me to talk to other people who had been through similar situations about what they've been through and how they have healed.
First of all - Great job on leaving the guy! It takes great courage and strength to walk away from someone or something that you love, even if it is bad for you. I've known too many girls that stayed in bad relationships because they're afraid to leave or they "love him too much" and it makes me terribly sad and afraid for these girls.
I've been in a long distance verbally abusive relationship as well. I left the guy two years ago and met my current boyfriend who is absolutely wonderful. I know it must be awful to meet a guy you want to be with but he wants you to change things about yourself first, but understand he's trying to prevent problems from arising that are inevitable after your situation.
The advice of surrounding yourself with people who love and support you is wonderful. You absolutely need love, support and positivity to build you back up, but remember you are strong too, you showed that by leaving the guy in the first place!
It's not going to be easy or quick, but it can be fixed and when it is you will find yourself in a wonderful happy relationship with a guy who would never dream of treating you bad. Don't ever stand for anything less than you deserve... learn from your experience.
Best of luck to you!! xx