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A while back, I was watching Oprah, and she was interviewing this woman who had previously dated a man who turned out to be crazy. After they broke up, a stupid judge (who I think was later relieved of his/her position) lifted the restraining order despite the woman's protests, and the man came and found her and set her on fire. She suffered serious burns over most of her body and now leads a very painful life.
Oprah kept insisting throughout the whole interview that there must have been some sign, some indication that that he was dangerous, violent, crazy. How could things have gotten this far without the woman having any clue that this man was dangerous? The woman timidly admitted that there had been signs, but she hadn't responded to them.
My story is not nearly as intense as hers, but the principle is the same: listen to your instincts!
I met this guy when I was out with my friends, and he seemed pretty nice. We started hanging out a lot and became pretty good friends. He was really nice for the most part, but when he wanted something, would get pushy about it. I'm a fairly accommodating person, so I sort of let it go at first. Fast forward a few months, and we are spending a ton of time together and discover we are attracted to each other, so we start dating. He's still a little too pushy at times, but always insists that he respects me and cares about me, so I figure that when it comes to the important things, he'll listen to me.
Wrong.
Fast forward a few more months and we are sitting in the car. It's late, I'm tired, and I'm a bit annoyed with him over something, so I'm really not "in the mood" for anything physical. I also have to finish packing for a super-early flight in the morning, so all I really want to do is go to bed. He, on the other hand, wants to make out. I tell him 3 times that I really don't want to kiss him right now, but he keeps trying anyway. I insist that no, I don't want to, and he needs to stop. Instead, he literally grabs me and tries to forcibly kiss me. I try to push away but he won't let me go. I shove him off of me and flip out at him. We have a huge fight, both of us storm off, and we don't talk for a week.
Then he calls me at 8 am to tell me that apparently I hit him in the eye, and I should apologize. I told him that I will never apologize for defending myself when I feel I'm being attacked. His response: "I didn't attack you. It's not like I was trying to rape you. I just wanted a kiss." My response: "If I told you I didn't want you to do it, you don't have the right to touch me at all."
We're no longer together, and I've refused to see him, despite all of his explanations and excuses for his behavior, his apologies and the flowers he bought me.
Hindsight is always 20/20, and I can easily look back and see multiple moments where he was pushy, not respectful, and didn't honor my boundaries. No one deserves to be treated the way I was. And in this instance, I wish I'd listened to the gut feeling that would have helped me avoid it.
I know it's cliche, but it's so important to remember: listen to your gut.
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Comments (12)
It's good you did it a lot sooner before it progressed into much first. some people need to know, no means no. =\
The only thing my gut ever tells me is: grumblegrumble I always listen to it and find a restroom immediately.
I didn't read this whole thing. I stopped after the crazy guy set the woman on fire. That's tragic, awful and wrong, and I don't mean this in anyway to detract from the horrendous nature of that crime, but ...do you really think a restraining order was preventing him from doing that? If he is crazy enough to set someone on fire, I'm pretty certain he's also crazy enough not to follow rules laid out on a piece of paper.
The sad part is that some women might have stayed in the relationship you had. They probably would have ended up raped, or killed.
Ahh, wise advice.
You did the right thing by NOT taking him back after that incident. Props to you.
It seems to me like the majority of females that stay in abusive relationships have low self-esteem (before the relationship) and feel like they can't do any better.
Like @Grtt@xanga - said, if he is that crazy, I doubt a piece of paper would have done anything.
i should have done that in two relationships i had. the first, my first love, he did things similar to what you described. say i didnt wanna go down on him, hed throw a fit and literally be so pissed off it would ruin the whole night, if not days after. it made me feel disgusting and aggravated. looking back on it now, there were a million signs showing me i should have ran fast. same with the "ex" drug addict boyfriend i had.... ugh. but ya. do listen to your instincts people. men and women alike. ya dont wanna end up the once SO thats chopped into pieces by a crazy lover. @_@
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This is so true! it's also easy to forget when you really like someone, but definitely thanks for the reminder.
In the state of Florida, we have many domestic violence incidents. Many women are injured or killed because of the way our system handles it. Women who are being beaten/threatened/abused by their partners file an injunction. Now, if you are an angry violent man and you get served with an injunction stating that the person you are abusing has begun to take legal action, you're probably going to get...well...violent and angry. There is no protection for these women. In Orlando, we had a woman who filed an injunction against her abusive partner. She had gone to live and hide at a friends residence. He ran her car off of I-4, killing her, and subsequently shooting himself.
Listening to your gut feeling is important, but not all violent partners are going to show signs from the beginning. Often, it is difficult to determine when a relationship is becoming abusive and it can be difficult for many women to leave once it's already too late.