"Love... is different than you think... It's never in a song... or on a TV screen..." --Derek Webb
The problem here is the language. English simply doesn't have enough words for love--love is a complex, intricate thing. The Greek language has four, and I'm not sure they cover all the bases either.
Being in love is an emotion. Being in love is a wonderful feeling, chills every time you see the person... but it is temporary. There is no relationship, no matter how passionate, that can maintain "being in love" indefinitely. On average, I'd say "being in love" lasts about two to four years, and then dies. (It can come back, but only if nurtured, and even then it comes back in a slow burn, like embers, rather than the fast hot flame it is in a relationship's beginning.)
If people rely on "being in love" for the basis of a relationship, then no relationship will last. And if that's the case, monogamy is pointless, because that feeling will go away, or it may resurface with someone else, and so it's just going to end eventually anyway.
But I don't believe that "being in love" is the basis for relationship. And I don't believe that "being in love" is the same as love. Love, on the other hand, is an action. It's an action because it's not contingent on emotions or feeling. And it's an action because it's a choice: it's something you have to choose to do. Sometimes you have to choose to do it despite how you're feeling.
Imagine a relationship in which the feeling of "being in love" has died out. Imagine that the daily habits of one person are starting to just become annoying to the other; that they are starting to prefer time alone to time with each other; that fights and arguments come more easily and more quickly than they ever did before. Now imagine that one of them, despite his lack of emotion or lack of feeling towards the other, chooses to do something good for them anyway: maybe wash the dishes when it wasn't his turn, or write his partner a note, or schedule a dinner night for just the two of them, etc. Doing that action--without an emotional drive for it, choosing to do it anyway--is love. He is being loving toward his partner: demonstrating love.
The above scenario isn't a matter of "pretending to be in love when you're not," because the actions he's taking aren't necessarily only taken by those who are "in love." Rather, I would argue that the above scenario is an example of choosing to love when you don't feel it. The Greeks had a word for "divine" love: agape. It means unconditional love, love without terms. Love that is not contingent on feelings.
This, actually, is what I believe the point of monogamy is. Because, as I said,
the feeling of "being in love" will die. Not may, will--it's only a matter of time. And sooner or later, the only thing holding you to that other person (for the moment) will be your commitment to that other person. When passion fades, commitment takes over.
There are times when I as a married man will not feel anything toward my wife, but will look at the ring on my finger and remember that "Till Death do us part" means what it sounds like. And, in those times, that commitment will be my motivation to work towards my marriage, to actively put effort into that relationship. And eventually, if all goes well, those feelings of "being in love" will resurface. But without that commitment, without that "shackle" (dare I call it that?), why would I stay, when all the feelings are gone?
(This is not to say that I believe that battered wives should stay with their abusive husbands, or anything like that. I don't. But that's another post. Suffice it to say that, we're talking here about passionless marriages, and I believe the commitment and covenant of marriage is designed to, among other things, insulate against the eventual fading of "being in love.")
When feelings die, I choose to love. When tempers flare, I choose to love. When hope fades, when everything's falling apart, when dreams shatter, I choose to love. I'm in this relationship for the long haul, and so I choose to love.
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Comments (13)
4 words? i just looked up love in an english-sanskrit dictionary and got 67 results. the greeks have some work to do.
Thank you!
I wrote a post similar to this. I submitted it, and it was selected, but never put up. Oh well, at least this message was heard and that's all I really care about. God Bless.
Love is an emotional decision based on the value another person and mutual respect, beliefs, chemistry, commitment, and intellectual equality.
Yep. Love is complicated, and difficult to find. :) But when you base your love on logic and mutual worthiness, it's better than anything else in the world.
I think loving someone can at times produce that loving, mushy feeling. I have been married for 4 years and can go from wanting to hit my guy to feeling head over heels. Loving someone doesn't mean you'll never feel "In Love" at times and I think some people forget that. Nevertheless, loving someone doesn't only consist of feelings or action. I honestly believe it can consist of both mental and emotional.
I disagree that being "in love" WILL indefinitely die. I don't think is dies, I think it just changes form. The love I had for my husband when we first met is completely different from the love I have for him now. Is it less than what I felt for him before? Not at all. I'd be willing to argue that it's actually MORE powerful than it was in the beginning of our relationship. Do I enjoy my alone time, sometimes? Yes. Do I want to smack him sometimes? Yes. BUT, do I ever think if it weren't for our commitment to each other that I wouldn't be here? Absolutely not. I love him for more than just the "fast, hot rush" that he gave me while we were falling in love - I love him for the person he is. He's my best friend AND my husband. So long as he remains my best friend I don't see me falling out of love with him.
Oh my god I could not agree more about love being an action. That said, I don't think that being "in love" dies out, I think it just changes.
I also think that a lot of people feel like they're "in love" when in actuality they are not.My boyfriend and I have talked a lot about love and what we think it means, and we've definitely determined that a lot of it is action and commitment, and commitment isn't just something that fades and you can't just "fall out of love" and use that as an excuse to end things, because every day is a decision to continue loving that person. If you really love someone you won't fall out of love with them because you'll both keep making actions and decisions that reaffirm your relationship.
neither. it's a mindset.
Whaaaat? My parents have been "in love" for 17 years and it is just GROSS. So yeah, it doesn't die, or hasn't yet anyway.
Eh, I disagree with this. I don't think love necessarily has to die. But I do think a lot of people mistake the feeling they get in the honeymoon phase, the obsession, for love. Then when that dies, they think the love has died. But love is definitely an emotion, because your actions don't necessarily determine whether you love someone. Love is not this magical feeling that will change a person's actions and ideas. It may do this to an extent, but only because the person is willing to change. Love is just the catalyst for change, not the cause. I do believe a person can do all types of horrible things to a person they love either out of selfishness, insecurity, or a fear of being left. It doesn't mean they don't love that person though, it just means that they have their own issues that they need to work out. Similarly, just because a person acts like they're in love doesn't mean they're in love. Guys have been using tricks involving pretending to be in love to get laid probably for a really long time. Or a person could just be going through the motions in a relationship because they're afraid that, even though they don't love this person, they can't find anything better. So I completely disagree. Love is the emotion that hopefully leads to the actions you're talking about, but the point is this. You can ignore what your emotions are telling you to do and do something else if you really want to (after all, if you couldn't, addiction would be incurable). So loving actions do not equal love, and a lack of them does not mean a lack of love.
Love is action. Love happens even when your emotion fails and doesn't feel "in love" with that person.
Love is an attitude, that necessarily includes emotion and action. I find, though, that emotion often follows action. The attitude of love is: "I will seek your best no matter what--I will forgive you, I will stay by your side, I will delight in you, I will tell you when you're wrong, I'll let you make mistakes, I'll urge you to grow, you can trust me, I will trust you and forgive you even if you make mistakes."
..Obviously, we don't always *feel* this way--but we can choose to be this way, and then the feelings usually follow.
love the beginning quote