So I have heard this from my girlfriends so many times, “If HE, would only change,” everything would be just fine, and “I know I can change him” and I’m really sick and tired of it. I’m here to tell you ladies that you cannot, and I repeat--You cannot change a man! If there is something in his life that needs changing only he will be the one to make himself change and when or if that happens is solely on him. What I’m trying to say ladies is that if you find yourself in a relationship where you are feeling like your man is “a project” either A: Accept him the way he is and live with it or B: Move on. My mom taught me early on that it’s a big waste of time trying to change a man, and that people change from the outside in, not the inside out.
All of us have negative traits, which means we are not going to find Mr. Perfect. There is no such thing, and us women need to figure out what we will and will not tolerate. If he has cheated on you he will probably always have the wandering eye. If he misuses his money then he may always be bad with money, but it's on you to figure out if knowing all of this and knowing you can’t change him makes you at the end of the day still want to be in his arms. Do not settle for a man you think will change his ways because he loves you. Like my girl Tina Turner says, “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” and my answer is to all of you “Not A Damn Thing!”
I just don’t want my friends or any women out there picking up frogs hoping they will turn into Price Charming. Your Prince Charming will be the guy that you can trust and someone that can provide you with what you want and need out of a relationship, and he will be the one that you will want to be with regardless of his flaws and vice versa. Many people feel if they "change" their relationship it will be better. What they fail to notice is that in most cases the change that needs to happen is moving on and finding a better fit.
So my final thought on this matter is that if you are with someone that you feel needs to change, they will have to want to do it on their own, and if they do decide to change--it won’t t be fast or easy so remember patience is a virtue.
Have you ever been in a relationship and you wanted to change your partner or they wanted to change you? How did that go?
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Comments (22)
AGREED.
I was in a relationship where my boyfriend tried to change every little detail about me, it sucked, especially because he was my first boyfriend. I had never really had low self-esteem or anything before I dated him, and he made me feel really bad about myself. We stopped talking for a couple years and now we've been talking for a couple years and he's one of my closest friends, but he's grown and changed a lot.
I was in a relationship with a man who's addicted to drugs, I dated him for two years thinking he would change and get better, especially because he claimed to want to change and get better. He didn't get better, and he probably never will. Moving on was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
In my last relationship my partner and I wanted to change each other. We broke up. Does that answer your question?
My boyfriend says that I change him, and I tell him that I don't want to. I do know that some things have changed though because of me, like him starting college.
I changed my boyfriend from a smoker to a non-smoker. He wasn't wearing a diaper.
I tried doing that when I was first started going out with people as a teenager but other then those times of just being young and naive, I never thought I even had the right to change someone let alone the ability. There might be tiny things you can change. Like a bad habit of theirs that somehow they manage to let go of. But that is if you're lucky enough to have a person that also wants to make that change. If they don't want to, believe me, they definitely won't.
one of the ingredients to an everlasting loving relationship is NO change. accept the person for who they are. its a form of respect.
I don't think you should try the man you are trying to date. Obviously everyone has their flaws. Both my ex and my current boyfriend have a nice long list, but I've never asked either of them to change. I feel that you should be dating someone because of who they are and not what you want them to be.
When I started dating my current boyfriend I went into it knowing that he has a long list of things that I don't like, but accepting that is just a part of him. By not demanding that he stop chewing or drinking or anything else he's changed by himself. I asked him what made him try to stop chewing (it's a battle, but he's still working on it) he said because I have been the only woman who has not told him to stop and that he knows I don't like it. He's working on several other things as well and while I'm proud of him (and impressed), him not changing wouldn't make me care for him any less.
You know. Superchick has a song about this. I think it's called....Princes and Frogs. hehe
My first relationship was actually a situation like this. I had a crush on him for a really long time. He had just gotten saved and everyone was telling me and him that it would be good for him to be with a strong Christian Girl for some good influence. And for some reason he picked me to be that good Christian influence. Our relationship lasted a year before I decided that I was the one changing, and not for the better. So I broke up with him. He went through a rough patch in his life which consisted of drinking and smoking and all that jazz (I mean at least drugs weren't involved). Then he got a clue, got a new girlfriend who then became his wife. And I couldn't be happier for him. He was a frog when I was dating him, but now he is a prince for his wife.
I'm now in another relationship as well. And he makes me want to be a better person. He says I have the same impact on him. We didn't go into the relationship wanting to change each other, because we both know that kind of ambition going into a relationship doesn't have a good impact on the relationship. He has been and will always be my prince and sunshine.
@xhalesx@revelife - I think you brought up a great point, something that others have said, but in a round about way..."he makes me want to be a better person. He says I have the same impact on him." In a good relationship, I think that is what happens, we see ourselves and we want to be the best we can be for our loved one, AND the security of knowing we are loved no matter what, helps us feel strong enough to make the change.
absolutely agree with you on that one
At first, I wanted to change him , and he also.
but now,we found out that love, care and appreciation, understanding will make us perfect to have a better relationship. I love the way who he is and he also the same.. =)
and now we don't try to change it, cuz the risk is too much for us, since we love each other so much..
While you can't change a person..you can help make them be a better version of themselves.
In youth we think we can change the world. We grow up and find we can't. As young adults we think we can change others. We grow up further and find we can't. Until finally we realize we can only change ourselves, however by now we have changed, and the change was caused by our experiences, successes and failures during the first two stages.
Change yourself. Maybe your loved one will follow, maybe not.
Like @Grtt@xanga says, you sometimes can encourage people to change superficial characteristics, like smoking, but I agree with the OP- it's a bad idea to try to change character traits or habits. Yes, people can change themselves dramatically, but you can't do it for them, make them do it, or expect it. That has to come from their own will power.
@ccccourage@xanga - Exactly. And Thanks for expanding on that.
PS I like your profile picture and your sign in name...Wizard of Oz?
In my current relationship, I'm waiting on a change. The problem is, he's lied to me in the past. I told him that I can't make him change, he has to want to. I said "If you actually WANT to change, then do it, and I will stick around." He says he wants to, but how do I know that he's not lying again? I want to trust him, but he's lost a lot of my trust. I want so badly to be with him, so I want to build the trust back up, but it's so difficult.
People will only change if THEY want to, it's as simple as that. You can't force that upon them or make that decision for them, they have to come to that realization on their own. Heh, unless you can actually perform an "Inception".
Some people legitimately do want to change, they just don't know how to go about doing so and may need a little guidance and help along the way. But if it's been three, six, or even 12 months, and they haven't made any progress then they just aren't going to change and you need to move on.
You can influence people of course; the best way of doing so is leading by example. For instance if you have a lazy SO and you go to the gym five times a week and you invite them each time, they might actually start coming with you and then you have another area to bond in. People need to understand that difference though, between influence and forcing change upon someone. Saying, "You need to do X or Y or I can't with be with you" will lead to that person resenting you and dumping your ass for someone less pushy and manipulative. That may not be your intentions but you come off as such.
I've found that women tend to be the most guilty of this generally because they are the more nurturing of the two genders. They are after all the mothers and usually the caretakers of the children. This is not to say this is a negative trait or aspect, just some people don't know where the line is.
Unfortunately society seems to promote this behavior though. How many romance novels or T.V. series display some romance between a woman and a "Bad Boy"? Or some equally dysfunctional or "broken" personality archetype. What happens? The woman then tries to help, change, fix, or train this man for the better.
Often times people are attracted to or even fall in love with what they wish or believe their SO would or will be. This will lead to frustration and inevitably, heartbreak, and it's self inflicted. Be honest with yourself and stop viewing the "fantasy" version of this person and instead look at them in reality. What are his positive traits? What are his negative ones and character flaws? Can you live with that? And better yet, can you ACCEPT them?
Hah, sorry, went off on some tangents of my own. Great post!
Well...in all specificity, you can change someone given they're consent and willingness. That change is meaningless though if it's created because and for the relationship. If a man or woman changes some bad habit to please the partner...that's meaningless.
Real change in the end is intrinsic and should be in disconnect of relationships. In order to say something is being done for oneself. This is the lesser of the selfish ways, surprisingly.
To that end, I agree with the last comment. Though this applies to anyone. Not just guys. And saying "once an x, then always and x" is pretty insulting for the human psyche.
Humans are complex animals that have the ability and will to change themselves more than.... a butterfly's complete metamorphasis. And that's saying something.
This is so true.
i never think about this, about whether or not i could change someone. i just argue with them for my own beliefs; i have no intention of changing them. it is stupid to think my own ways are any better or less than theirs.
My current boyfriend smokes. He's eighteen, and I'm sixteen. At first, I minded it, but then I realized I should be grateful that he would go out of his way not to smoke around me even though he always has those urges to seeing as sometimes he and his mom argue when I am over, and he gets very stressed. So I accept that he smokes, but.... guess he doesn't accept that I can be sort of clingy, because naturally I care way too much... but, we'll see how this works out...
I don't try to change him, but he tries to change me... hmm, thinking...considering...
Well, people change in general regardless if its good or bad. And such change can happen during relationship. The person you fell in love with can change into someone else. You never know.
Totally agreed that if you love the person, you'd want to be the best for them. Both of you would like to accommodate to each other's needs. If it is a change that will improve the relationship then I don't see why not? Behaviour is not static, it is flexible.
My bf used to rage a lot... but we talked it out. He stopped raging as much. Did he change? Yea. But it was for the better of himself and for me. Sometimes changing is crucial for the relationship. Other things like, I want my bf to gain some weight. That would be nice, but I wouldn't stop loving him if just because he didn't make that change.