Monday, 20 June 2011
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Why Can't I Ever Be Just One of The Boys?
I don't know if there's a much cooler girl than one that can just hang with the guys while still looking like a total babe. She watches the game with her "guy friends," can keep up with a conversation that doesn't include The Bachelorette, clothing or anything remotely girly, and she's pretty much free of drama. That's the dream girl for all guys isn't it? A girl you can hang out with and then make out with? This is what I thought I could be (sans the making out) back when I thought that guys could be friends with girls.But the reason why this ideal situation could never work out is that, lets face it, what guy would just want to stay friends with you? Not a straight one at least. So the rule is that unless you have dated a guy's friend in the past or are currently dating a good friend of the guys you are friends with, being one of the guys won't work. If you think so you are just being naive. Girls are able to befriend guys without thinking about them in bed especially when they feel the guy is non-threatening, but guys can't.
I have lost so many guy friends in the past whenever I would come out of a relationship. The guys that I was once comfortable around stopped asking me to lunch and started asking me to get dinner. I was innocent enough to believe that it was no big deal until they insisted they pay. Even when one of my guy friends started a new relationship I was able to stay friends with him until his girlfriend felt I was hitting on him. It's just unfortunate. I wasn't attracted to him, and even if I was, I would never have made a move (I respect relationships too much). His girlfriend was threatened and poof, there goes that friendship.
In an ideal world I wish I could just be one of the guys being that for me its just comfortable. There's no drama, no pettiness, and I don't have to worry about dressing fashionably. Growing up around boys (I have two brothers), I have always loved the guys' point of view on things so much better. For me, it just seems honest and I appreciate that honesty. But maybe those are the only boys I can actually be friends with forever.While it's cool to hang with the boys, you're never gonna get them to shop with you unless you want a gay best friend, which is pretty much the best of both worlds. As a girl who appreciates retail therapy over a good football game, it's pretty much a requirement that the friends I have also have something in common with me. So spending a Sunday watching the game on the couch would get pretty old pretty fast, and there are only so many lunches you can get with your guy friends until it gets uncomfortable.
Do you think it's possible to ever be one of the boys? Or is the "When Harry Met Sally" theory true - that guys and girls can never be just friends?
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About the Author
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- From: CarlyPaige
- About Me: Currently I am a college student studying English and Education. A true monogamist, I have only had 2 serious boyfriends but have been single for 2 years. The dating scene in college is complicated to say the least and here I will share with you my experiences, my friends experiences, both past and present as an example of what to do when confronted with awkwardness, confusion and love.
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Comments (115)
you're starting to sound like jenn. and i don't like it.
and no. you have a vagina. that excludes you from being 'one of the boys'
My best friend's a guy and even when I've asked him point blank if he's ever had a thing for me, he's said no.
So, I'd like to believe that guys and girls can be friends.
But on the other hand, most of my guy friends have either tried to sleep with me or date me...And I have a lot of guy friends.
I believe that a girl can definitely be "one of the guys", but there's ALWAYS at least one guy in that group who will want to be more than just friends with the girl.
Boys and girls definitely can be just friends. But as for being one of the guys... I don't think you should TRY to be. If it so happens that you wind up comfortable in that position, so be it. But don't try. You'll be unhappy if it's not natural and comfortable!
I always had predominantly female friends in school, but since I left high school, my best friend has become my fiance (I met him after I graduated). Men and women are very different. I have a good girl friend who I vent with, and it's nice because she doesn't try to fix my problems - she listens and commiserates. My beau always wants to fix things and tells me what I should do when I complain. Sometimes, it's nice just having an ear (I tell him that, too lol). :)
Yes, it is indeed possible but you must always follow the "man code". Which means if your guy friend is cheating on his girlfriend, you don't say anything. And you keep being fun. Sure there'll be some guy friends who want to date you and some friends you'll want to date. But just keep having good, clean fun and it'll be good to go. (Some guys will only be friends with you in hopes they can date you one day, it happens.)
I hear this controversy a lot, but I don't know how everyone has issues with it. I hang out with all guys all the time and have like, 7 close girlfriends. I haven't had issues ever. My girlfriends are gone for the summer, so I'm temporarily down to 2 close girlfriends and then hanging out with all boys, from numerous different groups.
I understand your point though, about how you have to have a niche to get into the group first. Everytime I'm introduced to a new guy's group, a couple of them will ask me out, I'll turn em down, and then we get past it and become good friends. I've always been one of the guys, since I was in elementary school. I've still been able to have boyfriends and go on dates, but if any guy I date doesn't get along with my guy friends, it's over. my friends are like my brothers
I've always been one of the guys in the literal sense that guys usually don't see me as a girl.. I'm too tomboy-ish lol.. which presents the problem of ever getting any guy to see me as a GIRL. xD
I don't mind all that much, I don't know how to flirt, and probably wouldn't recognize that someone was flirting with me if they did! I'd probably end up looking like a complete fool.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga -
That's nuts! xD
I would NEVER be friends, even 'just friends' with someone who would cheat on their boyfriend or girlfriend... I'd think of them as an untrustworthy person in general. q-q
There's a matter of a Y chromosome, or lack there of.
@Cosmar@xanga - Guys don't rat out their cheating friends to the girlfriends. That's the way it is. I didn't say to stay friends with them or that the other guys stay friends with them, but they don't rat each other out. If you can't handle that, guys won't want you to be one of the guys.
I was in the Navy and wives would come up to me and ask if their husband cheated. I never, ever outed any of the cheaters. Non-military people always have an issue with that. But frankly if our plane is going down, their wives won't be there handing me a life preserver... their cheating husbands will. I don't owe their wife anything... though more than once I went and told the husband their wife was asking me. If you have to ask if your husband is cheating on you, well then perhaps you already know the answer. (Although, there were a few guys who didn't cheat and I'd say so to their wife.)
I don't ~want to be one of the boys~. I enjoy playing videogames with them, watching the NBA championships (FUCKYEAHDALLAS), pregaming, whatever, but I don't do it because I crave being apart of their circle. I also enjoy getting ready with my female friends and staying up all night doing my nails or whatever. I like hanging out with guys, but I also value my female friends as well. I don't get all the hoopla about this.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga -
I'm sorry, mate, but that's fking absurd.
"Guys don't do this"
Like all guys are the fking same?
Biggest load of bull I've ever heard..
What kind of scum are you hanging with that you have such a low opinon of guys?
Edit: Also, I'd never rat anybody out.. I just wouldn't be friends with them, because, honestly, I like to trust my friends, and anyone who would cheat on their boy/girlfriend isn't somebody I'd trust... or even want to be around.
And that goes for BOTH GENDERS.
Because girls cheat, too, lol xD!
(I can understand if say, a mate got wasted, hooked up with somebody, and felt like shit afterwards.. but someone who just cheats with abandon? Umm, no..)
Sure, you can be friends with boys, just shoot them down in flames upon first meeting.
Nearly all of my close friends are guys, though I wouldn't describe myself as the girl you talked about. I honestly fit in better with guys (drama free, an appreciation for action/horror movies and videogames, no make up). Also, dating a guy friend that was part of that group made it easier to have a clear friendship line between the rest of the guys. Overall, I think it is extremely dependent on the girl's personality whether this scenario works, leaving it rare yet possible.
Also, I just transferred out of Quinnipiac after finishing my freshman year there! It caught my eye in your About Me.
In my experience... from the outside it looks like you're "one of the guys" and it's great, however, they DO ask you out and you can consistently feel them hoping it will blossom into something more, and then it feels as though you're disappointing your friends. On the other hand, you do feel special and wanted and envied, but the drama occurs when one of them is interested. (especially because the desired is more desirable.. meaning the other guys in the circle will jump right aboard that train).
It's not fun, and if you're a cute girl who shares all of the same interests as them.. why WOULDNT they be attracted to you as more than just a casual hangout buddy.
Believe it or not, there are indeed straight, sane guys out there you cab just be friends with.
A lot of the guy friends I had either wanted to hook up with me or date me. Surprisingly, after making out it seemed to get that tension out of the way so we could get back to being friends lol. I never was "one of the boys" though. I watched a lot of the same shows and movies and was into super heros and sneakers, but not being into sports and video games sort of barred me from the inner circle. I was the one they called to go party with and/or to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force or Family Guy.
@Cosmar@xanga - Sorry, some of the guys I know are scum, some are not... none of them would rat out their friend. Even you said that you wouldn't, are you scum too? Nope. I'm not sure if you're commenting on my first or second comment though. :)
zac efron has his tongue hanging out so adorable
I've had guy friends, whom I mainly socialized with and weren't anywhere near being as close as I was to my female best friends. I found my middle ground of the best of both worlds, because I had tomboy friends and girly girl friends and geeky friends, so there was a friend with an interest that matched mine, whether it be shopping, watching horror movies or discussing geek stuff about school. so I was fine without close male friends. my friends weren't the catty type and we had different preferences in guys, so there was none of that sleeping with each others' man or other backstabbing stereotypical drama on gossip girl type of annoying shows. there are shady people of both genders. I don't favor either gender. I almost equally can't stand both genders:D so it isn't a matter of gender then, but the particular individual.
@LyricalLine@xanga - You went to Quinnipiac! What a small world! When did you go there??
boo-hoo. so guys think you're nice, interesting, and attractive. i feel SO bad for you.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - I don't think girls who have cheating female friends would rat them out to their boyfriends either. It's not "man code" it's simple "friend code"
Although my best friends have either cheated or have fucked around with guys who were in relationships and I have no problem telling them how fucked up they are for doing it. Also, if I was good friends with a guy but better friends with his girlfriend, you better believe I will tell her! Same goes for if I was better friends with the guy and she was cheating.
speaking from personal experience girls and guys can be just friends, its when the outside crap starts to interfere that it begins to cause a problem.
I have several guy friends, straight and gay, and the only time that it is ever a problem is when the st8 guys gf starts to get intimdated thinking that I am out to steal her man. If I wanted her man I could have had him a long time ago but we are just friends and they never seem to understand that.
If one of my guy friends ever crushed on me I never knew about it, they never showed any signs and they never said anything about it.
@CarlyPaige - This past year, 2010-2011 for my freshman year. Transferring to UConn though for financial and other reasons.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga -
I don't know which I was commenting on either ._. I'm too lazy to go look, but I'm not too lazy to type all this crap below vvvvvvv
anywho, I wouldn't rat them out, I just wouldn't associate with them after that point...
(The scum are the cheaters, not the friends of the cheaters! The friends of the cheaters are just people more willing to overlook.. um, character flaws.. than I am)
I find it funny how one would be a BAD friend, if they ratted out friend for cheating.. but the cheating scumbag gets off scot-free? xD
I think if you're cheating, that kinda nullifies any right you have to even have good mates in the first place!
Double u tee eff?!