A few years ago my (now ex-) girlfriend left a book at my apartment. She wanted me to read it, even though its title was
For Women Only. I was intrigued, but I never got around to reading the 180-page book until recently. Having finally finished it, I have to say that the book was
spot-on.
Written by a Christian wife,
For Women Only is a book that attempts to delve into the minds of men using personally gathered survey and interview data. It's written so that wives can better understand how their husbands see their worlds, think about their wives, and conceptualize their marital relationships. I wanted to read the book to see it from the other side: Does the author get it right?
Does the book capture the madness that engulfs a man's mind? Surprisingly, yes.
The book covers several broad topics that concern marriages, but my interest was with three specific, underrated themes that the author spells out:
1.
Respect: This is one of the major points that comes up time and time again in the book. Men want respect. Men want to feel valued, honored. Men see respect as an essential component to a healthy, loving relationship. Essentially, the author argues that love is respect and respect is love. In a way I tend to agree with her. In the past when I felt disrespected, I felt as though my value as a boyfriend--and as a man--was compromised. I didn't feel loved. I felt belittled, insecure, and doubtful. Appreciation and respect go a long way in love.
2.
Physical Appearances: In short, the author argues that women should attempt to maintain their appearances for their men. Wearing makeup, doing her hair, avoiding eating a chocolate doughnut every morning for breakfast--women should make an effort to look good. It's not necessarily about keeping off the pounds, but instead about showing that women care enough about their men to
try to look good for them. She gives multiple reasons for this advice: men will feel more appreciated when women try to look better for them; men will be less tempted to eyeball other women; and men will feel exclusively desired by their women. To women this advice must sound horrible and facetious, but I cannot help but agree with it. (In my defense, I would guess that her other book, "
For Men Only," would argue something similar for men. This road goes both ways.) The importance of physical attraction cannot be underscored enough. Neither men nor women should stop trying to (occasionally) doll up for their partners after the honeymoon period ends. Relationships take work, and this is just one more part of it.
3.
The Unsaid Truth: The book ends by revealing the number one thought that goes through a husband's mind--one thing that all husbands want their wives to know above all else: that they love their wives more than they know how to express. Men tend to have a harder time expressing and demonstrating their love for women, but deep down men know how much they love their partners. It's so true.
Overall, it was a great book. There's a lot of good advice to be found in there--even for me, a man who is passionately eager to try harder to demonstrate how much he loves his future wife.
Do you ever worry that you can't relay your feelings properly to your SO?
True
Comments (70)
Couldn't agree more.
I agree, as long as the author would agree that women deserve respect, too. And if a woman has to keep up her appearance just to stop a wandering eye, then so should a man.
@sassypenguin@xanga - Absolutely! Again, the road goes both ways here.
The book sounds good. I've always wanted to read it, but I was a little skeptical because of the publisher. I think I will read it though.
And yea, I do worry that I can't let my boyfriend know how much I really feel about him. He says the same thing. But we both know that we love each other deeply and we will both do anything to show each other that. We can't exactly do everything we want to yet, because we aren't married and we both made a choice, based on our religious values, to save sex for marriage, and we aren't living with each other. But recently we were on vacation with my family and it was nice to be able to be with him throughout the day and be able to kiss him goodnight. It was absolutely amazing to share our love that way.
I really just can't wait until we're married though. Not because I can't wait for sex, I mean I can't. But still I want to be able to tell him every night how much I love him every day and every night.
A friend got that book for me and my wife. I'm planning to read it some time. I've been making my way through a bunch of such books. We're doing really well, though. My wife fulfills all of my needs and desires, and I do my best for her. I don't have much trouble expressing my feelings to her. She knows how much I love her and treasure her.
I don't agree with the physical appearance part. My boyfriend told me I don't have to do my hair and do my makeup pretty for him; he finds me beautiful no matter what I do to "glam myself up". I just don't have time to do my hair and makeup amazing every single day and you should look for a man that doesn't mind.
I definitely agree with the respect part. My boyfriend and I have set boundaries that we agreed on that allow respect from both ends. We rarely fight with these boundaries and I can feel like he respects me.
I don't have an SO, so it's not a problem to me. But I wonder if that will be a problem if I ever do get one. I'm not a very good person verbally. If I'm not too shy, I'm too blunt or abrasive in my speech, which is unintentional but natural.
But I agree with the points you've made.
It sounds like she hit the nail on the head for the most part.
The respect portion seems fairly obvious to me, but I'm sure that wanes in time and requires rekindling, like other areas of a marriage.
As for physical appearance portion, people can be offended as they like but that doesn't make it any less true. I already knew this to be true but I've been reading a few books on this lately - The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene and The Red Queen: Sex and The Evolution of Human Nature by Matt Ridley.
Green stipulates, "Men are seduced by the visual, women are seduced by language and words".
As for the last portion, I'm glad someone made that point.
In regards to the question I'll say this, regret trumps fear or failure any day of the week. I think though that most people don't even know what the hell they're feeling because their lives are so hectic. I know for me, in the past I had to actually write down all of my thoughts and feelings towards my SO. After that I needed to clear away a bit of the mess and the superfluous thoughts, and then I had clarity. It's a process but then I could properly tell my SO how I was feeling and what was really bothering me.
Great post! I might have to buy that book now :)
If I had a boyfriend or a husband, I wouldn't "doll myself up" because it was expected or something that I SHOULD maintain, I would do it because I want to and because I know it would put a smile on his face. :)
The book sounds interesting and I think I might pick it up when I go back to the US for two weeks, as well as the "For Men Only" book.
I obviously agree with these things, but they're kind of no-brainers.
Respect --- obviously respecting one's opinions, listening to them, and making them feel valued are going to be positive things that anyone would want.
Looks --- would you prefer your SO looked their best every day or that they look like they just rolled out of bed and need to lose 50 pounds? Hmmm.
The last one is relative I suppose, depending on communication skills and actual interest/love.
I haven't read the book, but just from the summary, it reeks of enforced gender roles. At least with the looks part. People's bodies are going to change as they get older. While I think it's important for women AND men to be HEALTHY in old age, if they pack on the pounds, it should be forgiven. Especially, as I mentioned, people get older. And the makeup thing is annoying. I don't wear makeup on a daily now, though I do like to do it every now and then and I want to get into it more. But I know that when I get older, especially with the job profession I want, that I will probably never wear it. And if my man can't tell that I love him loads without me dressing up and wearing makeup and dong my hair all the time (the latter is an issue with black women in general, so it's a lot different than with white women), then I would have to evaluate the basis of our relationship. Taking care of yourself isn't just wearing "cute" or "sexy" clothes and wearing makeup and doing your hair.
Just saying.
Cool book! Although I take surveys and opinions with a grain of salt, you never get the full truth.
I knew some girls would be offended by the looks thing.
You should consider a lesbian relationship if you aren't interested in
keeping yourself up for yourself and your man.
You'd probably leave him if he started wearing dresses so you are just hypocrites.
mutual understanding, mutual respect and mutual communication
some women feel loved via words of affirmation, so if he is hesitant of expressing through words, then she won't feel as appreciated similar to how he might not feel as appreciated if she doesn't put effort in maintaining her appearance. guys that I've known didn't often express their love verbally, but they wrote poems for me, so written expression of love is an alternative. just don't act disinterested or make her feel neglected and vice versa. other forms of sweet and kind gestures can also show their love.
@misswildflower@xanga - My husband likes me "wild and free", also. He likes that I feel comfortable enough around him to look a mess. However, when I dress up and look nice the look on his face shows how much he appreciates me taking the time to doll myself up. So I think it's about striking a balance. I get lazy and have to remember to remind him that I'm still feminine.
I have read this book and it is just a reminder to treat him well. It's basics and, for any woman with an ounce of independence and feminist in her, it may not be read too happily. I think it's an important read, though. :)
I agree with everything except the physical part. I feel like that only applies to certain people. Definitely not to everyone. I have met people in relationships in which that kind of thing does matter and for others-they just don't give a shit and things work out fine for them regardless. My boyfriend actually isn't into me being really "dolled up". He finds natural beauty more sexy and even if cheating was a problem it's based on loyalty and my boyfriend is a very loyal person not only to me but his friends and family in general. I know he looks at other girls sometimes but that is normal and frankly I look at other girls too lol.
Very interesting. I will have to see if I can find this book at some point.
As to your question, I'm often worried that I've said the wrong thing, or that I'm not doing a good enough job of expressing my affection to my SO. It can be really hard. And even more so when you have no idea what the other party is feeling, since that often makes you unsure if what your saying is appropriate/will scare them/etc.
1 & 2 are universal for both sexes I think.
Omg I am reading this book right now. How strange! It's awesome, btw.
Also I wish this blog had said that men voted that those were very important to them. It's not the author's personal opinion. She went to professional statiticians (sp?) to make sure she was asking questions in an unbiased way, so yeah.
This is great. The only thing I don't 100% agree on is that a woman should try to look good so that men are less tempted to look at other women. I think women should try to look good for their husbands, but not to keep their eyes from wandering. That is the man's job. If he eyeballs another woman, that is his fault, not his wife's fault for not looking good enough.
Anyway, other than that, I agree with everything. I should probably read this book eventually.... Not even in a relationship right now so I have time!
I think those are things most people, male and female want. I definitely want to be respected by my SO, I want to know he cares enough to look nice for me, and I do want him to know I love him, even if I'm rubbish at saying so.
I agree. All these things need to go both ways though. Understandably men and women show these things differently. If my partner is taking care of his hygiene and appearance it makes me more motivated to as well. I want to look good for my partner, it makes me feel good personally and to know that my partner is excited by it. But that definitely goes both ways, I can't stand it if the guy is totally letting go while I'm expected to remain hot. I feel like that's something guys seem to get away with just because it's more of girly thing to care about hygiene and appearances. So not true.
The respect one is an obvious one but I do think it depends on how you as a couple define yourselves. Some fall closer to the norm gender roles but others are defying that. Either is fine, but things change if roles are different.
What does it say about women making the first move?
@misswildflower@xanga - I so agree with you, your SO should find you beautiful because of what is inside not on the outside.
I am reminded of the quote "You don't love a woman because she is beautiful; but she is beautiful because you love her" If a woman feels like you find her attractive and desirable even when she is not "dolled up" she will want to get "dolled up" for special things or even just Wednesday Enchillada night at the mexican joint up the road.
But as far as everything else goes, 100% agree, respect = love and love = respect!