Monday, 20 June 2011
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Why Husbands Stop Loving Wives
A couple weeks ago I was sitting on a newly discovered cafe patio in Greenpoint, sipping iced coffee and leisurely reading from a book of breakup poetry that I got for free from a publishing internship. It was there, sitting in the shadow of a magnificent cherry tree, that I read a poem which made me quite sure, suddenly, that I would never marry.Obviously that's a silly thing to say... Never say never and all. My only point is that it touched a nerve; that raw, central nerve of self that knows how much it will suffer, if I let another into my universe too soon.
Here is an excerpt from Robert Kelly's I Want to Tell You Why Husbands Stop Loving Wives:
"and when the wife
is the valve of the husband's heart
and he can't really tell
her cunt from the pie on the table and the sweet
filmy curtains dancing in her windows
and all is one lovely lovely landscape
of intimate dailiness then
Christ stands up in his heart and says Get out
of her, lech lecha,
what is most intimate is already you and you
must find her outside again
for a man must leave mother and father and children
to follow the Me that is himself
...
For Christ talks in her too,
A Christ who wants her for her own:
woman, you belong to no one;
I gave you sun to be continuous
and night and rain
and you need no more.
...
And sometimes it is what she wants
that it could all be done once and for all
and life a gentle long echoing
of that first shy assent. But the voice
that hounds her says
Look at him - he brings
hardly the half of him to your bed.
He loves you too well, and you
have become landscape:Even your storms
are common in his well known sky,
like a thunderhead heavy, handsome
over the brow of his own familiar hill....
Die to each other and live."
Do you ever struggle with the surrender of self that marriage entails? What do you think about the idea of becoming landscape?
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- From: ThatBirdisAbsurd
- About Me: I just moved to New York after studying and living abroad for five years in Canada, Europe and India. One amazing thing about being back in America: knowing EXACTLY how to say what you want to say, RIGHT when you want to say it. English makes dating a lot easier.
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Comments (29)
I'm figuring a lot of this is metaphoric....
I want to get married and it's silly to let something like this change your mind. Who's to say that EVERY wife will become just a "landscape." Just don't become it and you won't have to worry about him thinking of you that way. DUH!
I'm really not sure what this poem is talking about, but I know that God has called me to love my wife, and that's just what I'll do no matter what it takes. I've already surrendered myself, and if becoming landscape (whatever that means) is what it takes to serve God and my wife, so be it.
I'm not all deep and metaphorically inclined so I don't really understand this poem too much.
I didn't think I would get married because I didn't want to surrender and give up things that I wanted. I ended up getting married. Marriage makes me a better Christian. I do have to die. I die daily. It's a good dying, though. It's the kind of dying that makes it possible for me to love others better. Marriage is killing my selfishness, my impatience, my temper, and my self-serving attitude. Dying is making me a better version of myself.
I don't know what becoming landscape means...as if it's becoming to familiar or part of the everyday....I don't really mind that part. In fact, I love that part. It doesn't have to be new or exotic for me to appreciate it. There are things I just expect from my husband, but I still appreciate it. Shoot, my favorite show has been Sailor Moon for the past 15 years and I can still watch it and appreciate it. Maybe I'm just that kind of person. lol
ok i have to say i don't really like these articles that are just a poem. and then someone saying that it changed their view of everything, do we agree?
poems can be interpreted in many ways, but they are still only the view of one writer. and i would really rather read some prose about WHY this changed someones fucking life view. just saying ...
I have always said I don't plan on getting married, I will still say that so maybe that's why I agree with this excerpt. Becoming something that just fits in the landscape is one of the major reasons I don't want to be married. To me, it's part of losing the excitement that draws two people together in the first place. I know some people look forward to and enjoy the sense of comfort that comes with time and I truly admire that. Still, it bothers me to think I might lose sight of how amazing my significant other is thereby taking them for granted, or vice versa and if it happened, I would want to know I could let them go or they would let me go to find someone else. "Die to each other and live".... Sometimes it might be hard to admit love or attraction or whatever has changed but I think it is necessary in order to be happy. Maybe the change isn't always for the worst, but when it is, don't hold onto something that is no longer what you want or need. People who can't recognize negative change end up dragging each other down so isn't it better to just move on?
I think the poem sucks and this is dumb.
I can't even remember how old I was when I had first decided that I'd never ever ever ever ever get married. I'd seen divorce, cheating, unhappy families, everything. . . But I do remember the age I decided I was definitely getting married. The very first date with my soon-to-be fiance changed it all for me. I guess, as woman, we have a fear of being "unloved" and it makes perfect sense to have those fears. But I wouldn't decide not to marry just from a poem. As many jerks as there are out there, some of us are destined to find someone great. [:
GodDAMNIT Robert Kelly sucks. If you base your views on marriage on shitty poetry then I have no sympathy for you. I'll put the word out that not only can you not think for yourself, but you have a shit taste in literature. -facepalm-
I disagree completely and I think it's pretty shallow minded to base your views on relationships on a poem that doesn't even make that much sense.
First, any poem that uses the word cunt gets no respect from me anyway but since you brought it up, I'm married and happy and my husband seems pretty happy as well. Let me tell you something about marriage, since you allow this poem to sway you, try this quote out for size: ...In marriage, everyday you love,
and everyday you forgive.
It is an ongoing sacrament, love and forgiveness.
Bill Moyers
Marriage is what you make it. You are vowing to spend the rest of your life with this person, you have to know how to forgive the little stuff, laugh all the time, and love endlessly. You have to compromise and you have to play and have fun. Life is not constant excitement and marriages can get mundane and boring but it's up to you and your partner to renew it. Sounds simple because it really is. You laugh together, cry together, and live together while loving together. No poem can take away the beauty of a happy marriage.
I'm not entirely sure why these concepts were solely applied to just marriage, they apply to any sort of intimate relationship.
To explain, I'm taking that term, "Surrendering of Self", as one becoming vulnerable to another. And that occurs, or at least it should, long before marriage does.
As for the idea of becoming a landscape I'll just say these few things. One, I believe true intimacy comes from discovering and getting to know your partner in all ways. Furthermore, landscapes are ever changing, thus there's always something new to discover and learn about.
The prevailing issue that leads to the failure of marriage these days is a lack, or failure of, communication. With no communication intimacy cannot be achieved, so thus one does not even truly know who they're married or involved with. After that the later threats are complacency and being content. Thus as a couple people need to be aware of these and just simply need to keep trying new things. Obviously that's easier said than done sometimes, but if your not willing to make that effort then you shouldn't be or get married, or you really need to take a long look at yourself in the mirror. If you don't care, you don't make the effort, and eventually you settle and end up resenting each other. The perfect example I can think of for that is when people physically let themselves go when they're in a relationship.
Anyways, I think I'm beginning to ramble. Interesting discussion though.
I read this (or tried to read it) and all I could think was, "Huh?" I guess I need to read the whole poem for it to make sense, but after seeing the word "cunt" I kinda struggled to keep interest. And the awkward line breaks only made it more irritating to read.
the top half of the first verse is like something Hannibal would say to Clarice Starling
Messed up poem. Piece of crap.
I've watched my parents go through a divorce, when they had it coming for years....my mother ceased to be important to my father along time ago. I guess some people find it hard to give up "self" when they get married, and that they never stop putting themselves first?
I'm deep, but not a vague and poetic person. I don't get it, and I don't want to read the whole thing. Sorry. T_T
So you don't want to get married because of this? Seriously? It's just some person's own thoughts on marriage, and it certainly doesn't define EVERY marriage, if any.
I'm getting married someday soon to the man of my dreams, and I can't wait to become his wife and cook for him and clean for him and everything else that marrying him entails. I want to be the wife that God has laid out for me to be. I want to serve God in my marriage. And I want to be submissive to my husband the way God tells me I should be, even if that makes us a "landscape".
@bmillerssailor@xanga - I agree completely. I mean maybe it's because I'm no good at interpreting poetry, but this doesn't define marriage at all.
@meaganbme93@xanga - And aren't we so blessed for that? :)
Love is a decision. Marriage isn't about a romance, marriage is a commitment. You have to work at it everyday, but the reward for all your work, is a deep and beautiful companionship, a life partner that knows you and cares about you more than anyone else in the world. One of my favorite quotes is, "when the roaring flames of your love burn down to embers, may you find that you've married your best friend."
@Jane - Beautiful quote, I love it.
It's not marriage that makes a man think of his wife like that, it's something inside of himself. So, if you date those kinds of guys, I wouldn't bother to get married either.
Some men though, get married because they are deeply in love. For them, their wife isn't part of the landscape, she is the landscape. I know that I shape my husband's life; that I am comfortable and familiar to him in a way that he couldn't do without and that he craves. I fill that need in him, and he, realizing the great value that I bring to his life, doesn't take me for granted as something that will always be there.
The key is really to not see everything familiar as bad or boring, and everything different as new, exciting and broadening- inherently more valuable than the routine. Any marriage will eventually become familiar- you're around each other all the time. But that's not necessarily bad, it can be the safe foundation of your life that lets you grow in all directions... if that makes sense. I hope so. :)
I don't really like that poem, and I usually like poetry. This was just too dramatic and overly sentimental for me.
Also, I never used to think I would get married until I found my current boyfriend, and we've talked a lot about what love is and what marriage is, and we have pretty much determined that the ease with which other people fall in and out of love is just due to their sheer laziness. If your love is just some whimsical bullshit and doesn't involve any effort or determination or commitment, then your love sucked to begin with. I'll never fall out of love with him because I choose him as well as love him, and I make those decisions every day...every day I wake up and I choose him again.
My 2 cents in interpretation:
"and when the wife
is the valve of the husband's heart
and he can't really tell
her cunt from the pie on the table and the sweet
filmy curtains dancing in her windows
and all is onelovely lovely landscape
of intimate dailiness then"
Basically says that the marriage is losing its passion; that spark that was present at the beginning of the courtship is now trite and dull. That is common and can be easily rekindled depending on how adventurous you and your spouse are. Just change up the daily routine and love making.
"Christ stands up in his heart and says Get out
of her, lech lecha,
what is most intimate is already you and you
must find her outside again
for a man must leave mother and father and children
to follow the Me that is himself"
So the guy married someone before finding out who he really is first. Biggest mistake anyone of any gender, age or ethnicity can make. Always find your Self before merging with someone else's.
so then,
For Christ talks in her too,
A Christ who wants her for her own:
woman, you belong to no one;
I gave you sun to be continuous
and night and rain
and you need no more.
Now the woman should be her own woman before being involved with anyone. Well, obviously... Kelly Clarkson said it best in Ms Independent :P
I think this poem has an optimistic ending though:
And sometimes it is what she wants
that it could all be done once and for all
and life a gentle long echoing
of that first shy assent. But the voice
that hounds her says
Look at him - he brings
hardly the half of him to your bed.
He loves you too well, and you
have become landscape:Even your storms
are common in his well known sky,
like a thunderhead heavy, handsome
over the brow of his own familiar hill.
...
Die to each other and live."
Even if you and your body and entire being have become so familiar to your spouse, he still loves you and will continue to love you for it. (:
It's not a pessimistic poem, rather one that tells the reality of almost every marriage and ends with a promise of true love despite all the dullness.