Early on in my now 3 /12 month relationship with my boyfriend,
he told me that he considered himself relatively asexual. In fact, he wanted it to be an open relationship, I think because he was anticipating the difference in our sex drives, but I tried having sex with someone else once, a friend, and the sex was amazing but I just couldn't handle the conflicting feelings that came with it. So I told him that I wanted it to be monogamous, and he said he was fine with that. I didn't think much more about the whole asexuality thing, because we were still having sex on a pretty regular basis, and he certainly seemed to enjoy it.
But for a while now, our sex life has been dwindling to the point where it's been almost a month since we've had sex. I've tried to be patient, I've tried being more devoted, I've tried to be very romantic, but even on the celebration of our 3-month anniversary where I cooked, bought some wine, really sort of tried to pull out all the stops... it didn't result in sex. That's not to say we are never romantic, we cuddle, we kiss, but
we don't even really passionately make out any more... I'm hesitant to even initiate it, because I know it's going to make me want to go farther.
I finally actually brought it up tonight; I told him that I miss being close to him... that it's not just about getting off, I can do that myself. I asked him if there's something more I could be doing for him, or something I do that I shouldn't, I really laid it out there open for him that I'm willing to do whatever he needs to turn him on. And he just sort of brought up that he told me before that he just doesn't have much of a sex drive. He says we had it more often earlier on in the relationship because he hadn't had sex in a really long time and it was just sort of pent up inside him. And he trailed off after that. Sometimes trying to get him to communicate is like pulling teeth, so I really didn't push him much farther.
What am I going to do? Our exchange kind of left me feeling like basically we're hardly ever going to have sex any more. And I don't know if that works for me.. I love him, he's the first serious relationship I've ever had. Breaking up with him over sex seems really shallow. Not that long ago I was torn up inside over him leaving to join the Navy in the Fall. The idea of not being with him breaks my heart. But it's so hard having this burning desire to be close and intimate with him, and knowing that he just doesn't want to. And I don't want to have to beg him to do it, like it's some chore... I'm really at a loss. I want to be with him as long as I can before he heads off to boot camp, but I don't think I can handle feeling like this for the rest of our relationship. I love him so much, and this just hurts.
What should I do? Could you handle being in an adult relationship with someone but not having sex with them?
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Comments (88)
yikes, you're only 3 1/2 months in and the sex is already going downhill? it sounds to me like he's made his point of view pretty clear, and i know its hard when you have a lot of feelings for someone, but i think you better really think this one through. Because, its only to get harder and more and more frustrating for you down the line. are you thinking marriage? living with a person? do you really plan to spend the rest of your life NOT having sex with the one you love? and not only that, with someone whose communication skills are like performing rough dentistry work?
I think maybe try to be just friends with this person, because that's what it would be dwindling down to anyway, and you can still have that love and respect for them, while giving your whole heart to someone who will fulfill your wants AND needs.
Faithfulness is a lot more important than sex. If the sex is just a physical thing, it doesn't have much value. The most important thing is keeping a bond of trust and intimacy, whatever that takes. That means communication will need to improve (yes, it's difficult) even if there's no sex. Believe me that it's possible to go without. My wife is in another state, and I won't see her again until a month from now, but we have a healthy relationship.
i couldn't handle it, no. because like you, sex is more of a closeness thing for me. you're right...i can get off by myself...but i can't experience that intimacy and closeness by myself and that's what i long for in sex.
i do not think it'd be wrong to break up over sex considering what it means to you but i would try talking to him again and more seriously. tell him how you feel, it's very important that he knows this. ((hugs)) i hope everything get better for you, whatever you choose to do.Ummmm it's your first relationship. Things seem sooo much more important than they will after you've had some dating experience. I feel almost embarrassed how sensitive and emotional I was over stupid things in my first relationship. I thought I loved him to the end of the world and back, but now I see that our relationship wasn't as deep and didn't make me feel good as a person. If you can't stand imagining months without sex, then you should leave him. You have to realize that if you don't have him, you WILL eventually find another guy you're crazy about.
I did. :)
Lol and sex isn't really an intimate thing for me unless it's a particularly slow, sensual sex session, usually it's vigorous, passionate (not emotional and lovey dovey). I'd probably be hurt that I would have to break up with the guy, but if my boyfriend didn't want to have sex with me at least once a week, I just couldn't stand that forever.
That's rough, and what's worse is his problem communicating. Maybe he's just embarrassed of his lack of sex drive, or he feels guilty? Maybe you can try cuddling more or other things to feel more intimate?
I think you really need to lay it out to him--maybe even show him this post? If he still responds the same way, without trying to make things better for the both of you, you're probably only going to continue feeling this way. There needs to be some kind of middle ground. Good luck.
Meet another dude, have lots of sex. While it's not the most important aspect of a relationship, it's great to share that level of intimacy.The relationship isn't going to work out for you unless you somehow manage to lose your desire to have sex as well.
Sex is not necessary in order for a romantic relationship to survive.
Sounds like the last relationship I was in. Granted he was an MMA fighter and had injured himself thus becoming addicted to pain pills and alcohol. I had also been oblivious to the fact that for the first 2 months he had been taking steroids which may have contributed to the lack of sex when he stopped.
Either way, sex is a big deal to me in a relationship. If I'm not having it it does bad shit to my self-esteem. I stayed with him for 10 months. After the first 2 we'd have sex about twice a week, then once a week, then once every two weeks... then nothing. I stopped trying after he rejected me a few times. We kissed once a day and that would be a quick peck on the lips when he got home after work. I was hoping one day he'd tell me he was seeing someone else or he was gay or something. I'd make excuses for it but looking back I just realize he took me for granted, often and was most likely not that interested in me sexually.
That's incredibly frustrating for me because when I really like possibly love someone I want to share that with them constantly. It sucks that he didn't have much to say about it and that it didn't do much to help your situation. I understand. It's a way to show him how much you appreciate and adore him, your devotion. When that's cut off the relationship feels lacking. Unless he's willing to give it up more often and see things from your side you're going to continue to feel shitty.
But there's good news. There's plenty of other people out there that can and will love you the way you imagine it to be.
There are so many more important things in a relationship than sex. You've only been dating 3-1/2 months; sex shouldn't be a priority in my opinion. You should still be getting to know the person and learning about them. My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 5 months and we haven't had sex yet. We're ready, but we've found other things to do.
Like what @AsylumBlue - says. Sex is not everything but it is a great way to have intimacy and it seems like here, you're not getting it from him. I think if it is going downhill this fast..then maybe, you might have to break it off with him. Obviously talking to him about it isn't helping..so I think it's time to move on. No matter how hard it is. You're giving everything and he's hardly doing anything. Doesn't seem fair in my opinion. Find someone that will appreciate you and is willing to put effort into the relationship as you do.
Maybe he's not really into dudes, but is confused because he doesn't succeed with women.
(I am getting this right, correct? A DUDE wrote this, right?)
So maybe he thinks if he lets you run around, you'll get what you need sexually, but then you two can maintain a close bond in your relationship where he doesn't need to make the physical sacrifices expected of him. I think his problems with sex are seeded at a problem with his sexuality.
I think your man needs more time to himself in order to discover who he is, and you two should maintain a friendship while he figures out who he is.
Sex is a... value? Not sure if that's the right word. Anyway. It's a value that is more important to some than to others. If you do not mesh well, then you just don't. But like some others have said, the communication seems to be a worse problem... and you must take into consideration that it's your first relationship and it's a very young relationship at that. If you have a tendency to move fast (none of us know how long you've known your boyfriend before you got together), that's something to focus on. I'd slow down a bit, if possible.
Really, if you aren't compatible with one another, you ought to rethink having a relationship with this guy. I don't think it's about the act of sex, rather the symbolism... you want to feel close, express your passion, make him feel good - there's nothing shallow about that. But as said before... communication appears to be a bigger issue, and moving superrrrrrr duper fast.
Run for the hills. Seriously.... Leave now, since you have only been together for a short while.
There is an entire support group dedicated to this one issue.
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/332
oh gosh. this seriously reminds me of my recent ex-boyfriend. in the months before we became official we had sex at least a couple times a week and made out. once we were official sex became once a month -- and a french kiss if i was lucky. it doesn't change, and your bf's "i told you i was like this" attitude suggests he doesn't desire any treatment for his condition (because this is abnormal). i know sex seems like a silly reason to break up with a great person, but getting rejected from affection can really take a toll. so if an asexual man isn't the man of your dreams, i'd walk away sooner than later. good luck
you seem more torn up in this relationship than happy. =( i say move on. sex is important no matter what anyone says otherwise. its important when one wants it and the other doesnt. it builds frustration, anger, and resentment which are all things that can and will kill relationships.
Maybe he's a closeted straight.
He's definitely not asexual. 3.5 months isn't a long time, get yourself out now.
People who say sex isn't an important component of a healthy sexual relationship are what I call: in denial. Sex is absolutely important and a certain amount of sexual compatibility is required. If you want sex you are normal. If he isn't interested in sex he is normal. Are you compatible though? Not so much. You shouldn't require an "open" relationship just to get the intimacy a person needs. 3 months and he's off sex already despite your efforts? Run..far far away.
@Cambios@xanga - Agreed.
I can definitely see both sides of this argument but I learn towards leaving the relationship. Sex is something people typically have in a relationship as long as possible. It's the thing that I think can take a night from being "Great" to "Amazing" because of the connected feeling you get from it. In the end, though, it's definitely going to come down to you answering: "Am I able to go the rest of my life going months and months without feeling that connection with him. . .?" If you cannot, then it's definitely time to leave that relationship in the past. Good luck with everything & I wish you the best!
I think you should break, or consider whether it's actually worth staying.
A lot of people are saying that sex isn't the only thing in a relationship and you should consider other qualities. Really, it's up to you how important sex is in a relationship.
Go find someone else who will meet your expectations (that's my opinion). Sex is actually important when I'm considering a relationship. Sex isn't just a lustful activity, it's also intimate.
I think, if your goal is to find someone for the long haul, this relationship is clearly not for you, not because it's just sex, but because sex is important. You clearly have very different sex drives, you'll never be happy together because of that - he'll always feel like he's not enough for you, and you'll always feel guilty for wanting more.
I think it's best that you end it amicably now, instead of letting it go on and meet a bitter end.I actually could not handle a relationship without sex. My SO and I have sex about once a day. We've been dating over a year, and I think the sex is getting better. (However, we waited three months before having sex.) I feel so much closer to him during and after we have sex; it's intoxicating.
I think you would be missing out by not having that component.
Wow, this is really interesting because I thought that.. even if he didn't particularly want to START something, once you started, he'd get into it. I mean after all, it's not like sex is painful for him, and if he knows that you like to be close to him that way, why would it be such a problem to just have sex with you? it's like.. another thing to do. My boy friend and I do things that we would not normally do for each other because we know it makes the other person happy, why should this be any different?