Saturday, 18 June 2011
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Relationship Blues: Being Really Insecure About His Past
I've finally discovered my biggest relationship insecurity. I've never been one to go for the "ladies man" or the guy who has a lengthy pass. I've only had a few serious boyfriends and all of them had pretty short lists of sexcapades and other such interactions with women. Until I met Julio.He's 4 years older than me and graduated from the same college I'm currently attending the year before I started. I met him a few months ago and ever since then we've had this amazing connection. We've been through a lot of the same things in our lives and we developed feelings pretty quickly. The only problem is that from day one I've had everybody warning me about him. Let's just say he has quite the laundry list of women from our school and beyond. He's known for being a heart breaker and nobody has let me forget that.
Regardless, I've seen past the reputation as I've gotten to know him and he is genuinely a great guy. He's never lied to me about anything and much of what people try to "tell me," I already know. At age 25 I can tell he has grown up and realized what he truly wants out of life. Besides, I'm no angel myself, and I'm definitely not one to judge someone based solely on their past.
As my feelings for him have grown though, I've become more and more aware that he is very much unlike guys I've dated in the past. It's not necessarily a bad thing and the fact that he's "different" is probably what attracts me so much to him. Recently, I've noticed that I've become very insecure about his past and his feelings for me. I'm not sure what has triggered it but it's driving me crazy and causing me to act like anything but myself.
He has an ex that he dated on and off for a little over 3 years. Their relationship was completely horrible and unstable. I had one very similar, so I can understand. The problem is, within the past couple of weeks, I've started comparing myself to her and being afraid that I won't be able to make him happy. Furthermore every little comment he makes I take way too personally and get upset. I'm turning into something I don't like.
It's like I'm so concerned with whether he likes me or not that I'm forgetting to be myself; the girl he developed such strong feelings since we met. It's not just his ex either. I'm constantly wondering if I'm as good or better than all his past hook-ups. It doesn't help that he's still good friends with some of them. Granted, they happened way before I ever met him, but I can't help that it bothers me. He even tells me that I'm literally the best looking girl he's ever been with and makes me feel special.
I'm trying really hard to shake this silly insecurity before it really does ruin everything.
Has anyone else had this problem? How have you gotten over it?
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- From: lexology@lovelyish
- Name: Alexis
- About Me: I'm a rising Senior at Cornell University. I'm an English major who LOVES to write. Spoken word is a big hobby and I love performing. My interests are as random as my personality and I love everything from what's on the runway to problems in third world countries. Like any other 21 year old, I love shopping, music, friends, bar hopping, fashion, magazines, poetry, coffee shops, cute boys, etc. Follow me on Twitter @Wild3_Thing
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Comments (20)
omg i kno exactly what you mean and and it sucks right now trying to figure out how to deal with all these complicated feelings. :/ hope you have better luck than me!
Well have you talked to him about it? It may seem awkward and not what you really want to do, but insecurities are the worst thing to have in a relationship. Just sit him down and remind him that you're not judging him about his past [cause like you said, you're no angel, so you have no room to judge right?] and you want to get over these feelings. Hopefully he can help you most past it. I hope things work out well for you two! [:
Maybe you ought to focus on being more secure in yourself first. Realize that you are a whole woman, a whole person with your own dreams and desires and interests, and he's just adding to you - two people ought to complement one another, that's how healthy relationships work (in my opinion). I can understand that it's definitely easier said than done, but if he isn't truly doing anything to make you feel insecure, look inside yourself and find the reason why. Is it really his past? Have you never acted this way before, or felt so insecure about anything (grades, boyfriends, friends)?
Secondly, I can resonate with being with someone who has a lengthier um... black book, if you will. My beau had slept with 4 girls (throughout high school) before he met me, and I'd lost my virginity to my boyfriend of three years before I met him. Then we got together. At first I was very insecure, because I was less experienced and he had seen more than I had (yes, I went there), and I compared myself sometimes to his exes. But he makes me feel secure, and it's only gotten stronger over time. Perhaps than can give you hope.
Something I just thought of, and I'm sorry to write a book in response, but if you simply have a bad feeling in your gut about this guy, maybe you ought to pay attention to it. Because intuition says a lot, but I'm not saying it's always right. Good luck honey!
I definitely have had this problem. I've actually been really insecure lately about my boyfriend who is 5 years older and I was insecure about his ex fiance who cheated on him with 4 guys. I know I shouldn't have been so insecure about her but I was until I talked to him about it and after we talked about it I felt so much better. So just talk to him about it and explain to him whys its been bothering you.
I think it's called "being female."
I usually get super insecure about the girls he's known (in the biblical sense) before me. Blah.
@Lost_Muse@xanga - I've known plenty of guys who feel the same way. Is it also called "being male?"
I felt that my past guy never lied to me but he found a loophole to the lying definition, because not telling all of the details or leaving out key details that will make him look bad, isn't lying to him, but exclusion of the truth
so he told the truth about what he said so far, but left some things out to his own advantage as to not ruin his reputation in front of his new gf.
I've felt like this before and I've always ironed it out with him just by talking. Maybe you should do the same? It helps relieve some of the pressure from you. Good luck!
i've had this problem(and recently might i add)! talk to him, and if he doesn't go above and beyond to make sure you're okay then watch out. a guy should make you feel comfortable while you're with him and if he sees that what you're saying makes you insecure and takes the "you deal with it" attitude then I'd walk away before you get in too deep. a good boyfriend shouldn't make you doubt his feelings/intentions for you.
The only times I've ever been with a guy like this, he ended up breaking my heart after a short period of time. Serial heartbreakers don't change, and a lot of them are really good at acting. Not saying he's lying to you, but you should definitely be careful. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, listen to it.
I can completely relate to this, and it has eaten me up in the past. I love virgins... ha ha. Anyway, it's a difficult subject to address, but my best advice for you is to try to see yourself as he sees you. You are the WINNER. He had no long-term interest in many of the past girls, and even the ones he did, he's NOT with. That means he wants nobody else but you, and I'm sure he's told you the reasons why. So see yourself that way. They were test runs, you are his final run. :)(:
oh my goodness. thanks for this. i'm currently facing this too!
This is probably a good thing. Think of all the women he's been with. Yet, he chose you over those women. You outperformed a lot of competition. After all, if they were as wonderful in his eyes as you are, he'd be dating them and not you.
That said, that little bit of information probably isn't really going to help. So I would talk to him about it. Say something like, "I know rationally that we have something great and there's no reason to feel insecure, but I do. And I'm not saying it to make you change your behavior, I'm just saying it so you know why I'm acting weird sometimes. I don't want these insecure feelings to undermine what we have." That should help him understand. On top of that, just work on yourself and being able to see yourself as someone that he can be happy with for the rest of your lives, flaws and all. After all, we all have flaws. Harping on them is what usually leads to insecurity.
I definitely know how you feel. I started to fall for the guy I was with only to find out he lost to one of the biggest sluts in high school. The whole reason why I didn't want to hang out with anyone from high school even after high school and college was because I didn't want to find out crap like that. I wanted someone with NO connections from my past. Of course that didn't happen.
I didn't want to be with someone who was just another lay to one of the slutty popular girls. I wasn't about sex back then and I was more into my studies so when I found that out about him, I was disappointed. The sad thing is, he didn't seem like he was that type of person at all to just lose it to anyone, let alone that kind of girl. Whenever we got into a fight, I would bring that up saying how much it pisses me off that he did that especially when I didn't think he was the type of person to have sex in high school or get with those kinds of girls. I thought he had higher standards. He told me he can't change the past.
Ironically, if I get into fights with him about something else, the something else isn't even what bugs me the most about him...it's still his past in the back of my mind that constantly creeps up on me. I just try to reason with myself he may have given her his virginity, but that's all it was and it was nothing more. We have a deeper connection other than just a quick lay and we're best friends, too and not just in it for the nookie like he was with that girl. The only reason guys went after her is because she developed early. I heard her personality sucked so I can guarantee it wasn't for anything other than a lay. People do stupid things in high school and this past year I finally got over it and hanging out with him has been much better than letting the past get to me.
Why would you compare yourself to his ex when his ex and him didn't work out?
I'm in a relationship like this now. My boyfriend of almost 2 years has been with A LOT of women, but I'm the only one that he has ever committed to, respected and loved. But it is hard sometimes, for me, to not think about all those other girls and on those days when i feel bad about myself, i get insecure even though I know there's really no legitimacy to those feelings. It's hard to fight with these feelings cause CLEARLY they're irrational, but all you can do is work on them; everyone deals differently.
All and all, you just have to talk to him, it might just simply take time to get over it and forget =]
pretend your better than all of them. who knows, you probably are. if you think you're awesome, so will he.
Talk to him and let him know how you're feeling. It'll help =]
I'm having that same problem now actually...but you just gotta keep it in the back of your mind and not think about it. You're on his mind right now and you're the priority. As of now, It makes me want to be better than the rest of those girls he's been with. :] i guess it's a good thing? haha