Thursday, 16 June 2011
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The Unsuspecting Douchebag: How to Spot One
We have all found ourselves crushing on a guy that seems to be absolutely amazing. You date for a short while, he makes you dinner at his house and texts you just enough to make you feel special without being suffocated. Then one fine day you find yourself completely shocked that the guy you thought was so sweet and sensitive actually played you and has been using a well rehearsed act to get himself laid.For example, in the beginning of February I found myself developing a crush on this guy my age, "Evan," who was not the hottest guy I've ever seen, he was actually pretty short and wore a beanie (when first describing him to my friends we gave him the nick name beanie baby). Regardless he was an artsy type, in a band, had a pretty good sense of style without seeming to be playing for the other team, and he seemed shy. This led me to believe that he was sweet and I started to develop a friendship with him.
A hint I should've taken that he wasn't so sweet was when he texted me saying we should go to a benefit dinner for an event for school. I told him I would go so we should meet up after class and when my class ended I texted him asking where he was. When he replied, "Oh I actually just left but I would have loved to :( Rain check?" I should have known. My friends and I now dubbed him the "dinner ditcher" and I began to grow turned off from his immature ways. But I continued to talk to him, the heart wants what it wants right?
Well after a few more days he actually asked me on a date. We talked the whole time with not one awkward pause and he paid without making me feel uncomfortable. But after a week of being awesome he decided that because I wasn't putting out that he was dunzo. I was just another blonde for him to conquer. Obviously I was disappointed that he ended up being a douche but at least he didn't waste my time.Don't worry, this happens to everyone, but here are a few red flags that will help you spot this under-cover douchey poseur.
Red Flag #1: He plays the whole sensitive card immediately and feeds you lines like this bad boy, "I can be really romantic if I want to be." Translation: If I am not being romantic with you, that means you are totally not worth it. He already plays the power game right there, do not feed into this by saying "Awww" or planning out your wedding with him in your head. If you do this he already has you wrapped around his finger.
Red Flag #2: You ask him if he's talking to anyone else (talking in terms of texting/ trying to pursue other girls) and he replies, "I talk to a lot of people!" Run away. If a guy wants to make you feel special he will do so rather than making you feel like one of many.
Red Flag #3: If you are making out with him and he jumps up to write down song lyrics on the memo pad of his phone (voted most rude) and makes you feel completely uncomfortable just end it there. Who wants to be the next muse of a typical pop-punk song overplayed by 15 year-old's? Not me!
Red Flag #4: While you are sitting with him in any public place (a cafeteria for example) and about 4 girls approach him and hug him while giving you the bitch face. He's talking to all of them, run faster.
Well those are just a few red flags but I hope they help you if you ever encounter a guy like the winner I met.
Have you ever dated "The Unsuspecting Douchebag"? What are some red flags you saw?
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About the Author
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- From: CarlyPaige
- About Me: Currently I am a college student studying English and Education. A true monogamist, I have only had 2 serious boyfriends but have been single for 2 years. The dating scene in college is complicated to say the least and here I will share with you my experiences, my friends experiences, both past and present as an example of what to do when confronted with awkwardness, confusion and love.
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Comments (23)
One of the red flags I've noticed is inconsistency. If he's texting and calling you all night Tuesday, you're having a great conversation, making plans... then he drops you like a hot potato on Wednesday, RUN. Asshole lol
Lol. One guy I was talking too last summer liveed on the next block and was trying to pursue me; I found out (thank you facebook) that he was dating an old acquaintance of mine that lived in the next city! What a douche.
My tip would be to talk to as many people that know him as you can because you might find out some interesting information.
If he says "I love you" within the first month OR very soon for that matter...I laughed at him and said, yeah right. He still proceeded to try to convince me he was "in love" with me. And this dude was 22 when he said that.
@ohforrealson@xanga - LOL! This is a good one!
Thank you for this post and thank you ladies for the stuff that you've added. I've definitely fallen for this type of guy (more than once, shamefully), and have always ended up feeling some kind of way. It's a shame that we've all ended up falling for these douches, but at least now we know how not to. If we still do, well, it's on us at that point.
@shimmers - I had a guy do that to me before when I was on okcupid. Needless to say, I was freaked out and that person got blocked!
yeah, i have. this one guy i was really into, he was just dreamy in my eyes. he was cute, nerdy, and hilarious. we talked everyday and the red flag i should have realized was his constant bringing up of the sex topic. since id worked at a sex shop for a while at the time, i was so used to talking about sex so when guys brought it up to me... i was unsure about what i was supposed to think. i..ts like my job was the perfect opener for guys to bring sex up with me. anyway, after a few hang outs, we ended up going pretty far, as far as you can go without sex. afterward it was a bit awkward for me since id never gone that far with a guy who wasnt my boyfriend. needless to say he was sweet as can be after that and then just stopped talking to me after he got what he wanted from me. i felt gross and used but in the end learned a lesson. now i wait a while before letting sexual stuff come to play. if he likes me, he will wait. if hes just in it for sex, he will get impatient and ill never hear from him. at least i leave with my dignity in tact.
I remember seeing that hipster on the laundry cart on lookbook, but I forgot his name
he also has a harry potter style amongst other looks
one thing I noticed is that he suddenly disappears for days or a week or two without a word when we were just talking everyday, so he was probably busy talking or going out with other girls, and put me on the wayside, because I'm just another option and not his priority. but I no longer wait for him, I'll treat him like an option, too, and make him feel as if he doesn't exist, which is reverse psychologoy and often works in my situations, because he'll want me again. however, I don't want him anymore, because he's already friendzoned!:D
or he gives excuses that he is sick, so he flakes on the promised date, but you find out that he was actually hanging out with other people and having fun instead of being sick at home like he said.
@sparkletone1684@xanga -
And there are douchebags that don't want sex at all but start out great in the relationship and then it goes downhill from there. ;/
Instead of taking you out to dinner on the first date, he takes you to a bar. Made one or two bad decisions that night... -_-
@ohforrealson@xanga - I hate it when they do that! >.< Such a tease.
I dated a guy who was always very into me when I was around, then it would be days or weeks before he'd call me. He did take me out on a couple of dates but I always felt like something was off so I was pretty quiet. He was very nice the whole time. He even invited me over to his house and cooked me a meal. He eventually gave up and I'm glad I listened to my inner voice. I found out from some of my co-workers later that he was a notorious party boy that went through women quick.
I also had another guy go after me that was a super jerk. Everyone knew he was a player so when he invited me over to his house one night, I knew I wasn't going to allow anything to happen. We hung out and he tried his hardest to get into my pants. I left after a few minutes because I was getting nervous. A few days later my friend found out she had contracted chlamydia...it was because she had slept with that guy! He was trying to screw most of the girls he knew without tellign any of them he had it, and I'm assuming he had excuses for not using condoms either.
Hmmm red flags I learned from my last ex (we only lasted 3 weeks).
-He says "I love you" within a few days of even knowing you.-He laughs and doesn't give you straight answers when you ask him questions. (Like if he's talking to other girls or other things like that)-When he takes an hour to pick you up from work after saying he's a few minutes away-When he says he doesn't have gas money to hang out with you even though he drove all over town to sell drugs.-He tells you that you're the best thing that has happened to him.-He asks if you've done a certain date or been somewhere or done something with a previous boyfriend.-He doesn't stand up for you in front of you. (Like if his ex is trash talking you on facebook or in real life, he doesn't say anything in front of you or where you can see to tell them to stop).-He says he can't count how many girls he's kissed or been with.-He knows everyone or everyone knows him.There are probably plenty more, but these are some I can think of. He ended up cheating on me with his ex 2 days after we started dating. I thought she was lying, but apparently he was the liar. DOUCHE BAG.
OH! And when I didn't end up having sex with him after 3 weeks, even though we got really really close, the next day he said we needed to talk. We never ended up talking. He started avoiding my texts and calls and then 2 days later said we shouldn't talk anymore. But of course he said "I don't want to hurt you" and he said he wanted to be together after he got his stuff together. Ugh. I'm so glad I started talking to who is now my current boyfriend and will hopefully be with me for the rest of my life (but of course, that probably won't happen unfortunately). Anyway, stupid boys. I'm never falling for someone like that again. I hope girls can learn the signs of a douche and stay away from them.
I've dated MANY douchebags in my day. Actually, probably most of the men I've dated have been total jerks. I think a red flag is when you get upset about something that he did, and you talk about it with him, and before you know it YOU'RE apologizing for something because he somehow turned it around on you. A good guy will recognize that you are upset and try to work to make things right instead of laying blame elsewhere. Also making promises but not carrying them out- and they always have an excuse ready to go!
@shimmers - That isn't always true. I think it's mostly true if you didn't know the guy before you started dating. But if you were friends first I think it's okay for things to move a little more quickly than the typical relationship.
Also, huge red flag is when they find excuses to not meet your friends or don't give you an opportunity to meet theirs. Or if they do, the way that they act when other people are around can be a big clue as to how he sees you.
Another huge, vibrant red flag is when he's wonderful and family oriented with his family, but when you ask him to meet yours "He's just not a family kind of guy..."
@love_and_blackberries@xanga - My gosh! That was my first boyfriend. I was NEVER allowed to be upset at him about anything, but HE was allowed to get mad at me all the time. Grr >:O
Been there, done that :l. Sigh.
I'm in a similar boat, trying to figure out if this guy is a d-bag or not. At first I thought him totally sweet and shy, and just the most adorable thing. But then we went out for lunch, and everything seemed pretty cool, but immediately afterward I got warnings from people to stay away from him. Thinking back on our conversations at lunch, I can see some of these red flags that people have mentioned, though I doubt I would have really taken much notice to them if people hadn't started warning me about him. So now I think the sweet-shy persona may just be an act, and an act that he has perfected with many other girls prior to me.
But even with his personality shattered for me, I'm finding myself attracted to him in a different way - no longer a potential relationship attraction, but a potential hook-up attraction. Now I just need to ask myself if that is something that I am willing to do, or if I should just walk away. Is a one time thing really worth all the rumors and gossip that will undoubtedly emerge?
@ohforrealson@xanga - I totally agree with that. We were talking everyday for a week and then he didn't text me for three weeks. It's summer! He's definitely a douche if you're out and he doesn't really ask you any questions to get to know you. Or if he doesn't listen to you and literally asks you what you're doing over the summer three times.
I dated a guy for a month once. He had his whole life planned out. He was eighteen, I am sixteen.
Three weeks in our relationship, he asked me to marry him. I only laughed because I didn't know what to think... but in my head I knew he wasn't going to be the one I was going to marry,
He broke up with me because I was clingy.
Umm, he needs to check himself...
psh, douche. wish I saw it comin'! I'm over him of course :P
Great post.