I just graduated from high school and I'm headed off to college in the fall, which I can't wait for. I am in a relationship right now and we've talked about staying together even though we're going to separate colleges. I want to stay with him and I wish it was that easy.
But recently I've kind of realized the inevitable, I'm not the type of person that can have a long-distance relationship. I know I can't, I haven't ever had the experience, but I feel like it would be unfair to the person because we would break up eventually with the whole thing being a lot messier than it needs to be.
Distance makes me upset, doubtful, and wary, and like a lot of other girls (I bet), I do have major trust issues because of past incidences. I feel like if I was to stay with my boyfriend when we went to college, I would be upset all the time, making him angry with me, and making our time apart doubtful and time together awkward.
It really doesn't matter how much you try to keep in touch through texts, Skype, calls, whatever. I would never get over that feeling that he could be cheating any second of the day. I know probably half of you don't understand because maybe you don't have trust issues and I seem stupid but that's just how I think and I really don't think it's going to change.
Now I don't know how to tell him. That even though we've always planned on being together for a long time, my feelings have changed and it's probably not going to happen. And this whole summer seems pointless anyways because he's busy when I'm free, and I'm busy when he's free so we never get to see each other anyway. It would only hurt more later than it would now anyway. I just don't know what to do.
What do I say to him? I don't really want to end it but would that be better? Or should I wait it out and see if it works, even though I have major doubts? I just have no idea what to do.
Is it worth staying in a long distance relationship at such a young age?
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Comments (21)
I honestly think that, although i don't know either of you very well, right now breaking up sounds like the best option. you are young, and college changes how you view the world, a LOT. not just new people, new boys, etc, but new experiences, etc. An besides all of that, you know yourself that you don't want to be tied to an anchor of pain. it would hurt a LOT more to end it later than it will now, but that's not saying that it won't hurt.
sometimes short-term heartache is what is necessary.
Honestly, break up if you are that unsure.
However, I had MAJOR trust issues too and my boyfriend went to a different college than me, too. What works the best is if he doesn't meet any friends that are girls =P I know that is unrealistic but my boyfriend went to a college where the male to female ratio is about 7:1, it was even higher in the past. So there weren't many girls around him his first year. His second year he did meet a few and it made me really really upset. He's never been the type of guy to realize when he is flirting. I don't like when he flirts whether he knows it or not. But he has learned from his mistakes and tries to keep his relationship with those girls as not inappropriate as possible. It took him a few tries though. We are still going strong. You can do it with trust issues if you just try to work on them and your boyfriend realizes that you have them and that he should limit his contact with girls for your sake. Especially if he is known for being inappropriate with girls - like flirting when you aren't around.
No, you don't seem like you can handle it. Break up- it's best at this time.
/sings Cake-style
The Skype has gone down, and the issue's come up.
And long ago, Emily did not open up.
She's depriving, and striving, and sharing concerns,
And thinking of someone for
whom
she
still
burns.
Not going long-distance.
Not gonna proceeeeeed.
She's all alone (ALL ALONE),
all alone in her time of neeeed.
Because she's bracing and pacing and blogging remorse
She's fighting, and writing, and changing her course
Can't handle the distance.
Can't handle the deed.
id just like to point out, if you planned on being with this person for a long time, four years at college is nothing.
im kind of in the opposite position as you though. ive been together with my boyfriend long distance for the past year, and in the fall ill be going to college a hell of a lot closer to him. i see myself being with him for a long time, so the distance the past year was just a test of our relationship to see if we could make it out together. in most cases there is going to be the little feeling in the back of your head that will worry the fuck out of you, but it doesnt need to control the fate of your relationship.It worked for me and my boyfriend. And it might work for you. See how you guys feel over the summer, and think about your relationship.
If he talks about the girls he hung out with last night, will you get jealous?
If you are in your dorm room, watching a movie with a cute guy friend, will you be able to stick to your boundaries?
Do you have definite plans to be in the same city after you graduate college? (That makes the future look a LOT less bleak.)
And do you think you have the spiritual fortitude for it?
I think Adam and I are all the stronger for having had 4 years apart. We're better at communicating, but we've also gotten to develop ourselves as individuals, which I think is important. It's not going to be easy, but I think you can do it.
@methodElevated@xanga - HAHA, niiice.
It is totally possible. My boyfriend lives in Australia, and I live in the United States. I've definitely had to deal with "past indecencies" with other men. I've dated guys that just could NOT be trusted, and weren't exactly faithful and loyal. The thing is, I completely trust him. We're in it for the long haul. If you can get over your trust issues, it should be fine.
If you're already doubtful, it's not going to work for the most part. I'm in a long distance and neither of us have ever doubted it working out. At times it gets tough, but we both know it's going to be worth it end the end. On the other hand, we were not dating my first semester of college and I'm SUPER grateful. I don't think we would have lasted because it was such a complete change of what I was used to. I went out all the time, I stayed up late, I went to parties. We had been dating prior to my first semester of college, but broke up because of the distance and we started dating again a few months later and have been together for 2 1/2 years now. I think if you're meant to work things out then you will, but maybe it's for the best to find out who you are first.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years; we met on the internet (he lives in Denmark, I live in the US).
Long story short...we have HAD our ups and downs. He has been over here three times, and I'm (hopefully) going to make it there by the end of this year. Honestly, I would say it takes a certain type of person to make it work.
I'm very pro trying to stick together, but I will say college is SO much more different, so unless he is really, really special, and you're willing to let yourself go into that area, then now is the time to break up and have summer time to get over it (by hanging with friends, etc you know that stuff).
I think you really need to bring this up with him. I can't tell you want you should do without balancing all options but the one things needed, is communication and honesty with him. I think when you do that..it make it easier for you to decide, maybe both of you.
If you're worried that he's going to cheat on you, why aren't you worried that he might be cheating on you even before you go to your different colleges? It's not like you guys are together 24/7 the entire summer. So he might be cheating on you even now. Why aren't you worried about that?
Been there, done that. And I'd do it again with someone who could handle it, if it came down to it.
But, if you seriously can't handle it.. DON'T DO IT. Tell him that plain and clear, so that he isn't confused and he knows where you stand.
Fighting during a long distance relationship, has got to be one of the worst things.
my boyfriend and I are also going to separate colleges. There really is no right or wrong. You should stay or you shouldn't. It just depends on what point in the relationship are you guys in? Because personally for me and him, I would regret not trying. Even though I know I'm going to feel insecure but I think we can work through that.
Break it off. Maturity sucks sometimes, but if you have realised you are unable to cope it is better to break things up. If you don't things will be terrible, and your gonna have a bad time. Believe me I have been in the same situation, and come to the same conclusion. It sucks, but ultimately you need to do what is best for you.
It sounds like you already know what you should do. And whether or not it's worth it. You said that you KNOW you're not the type of person that can handle a long distance relationship and it would just end up being messy. Why not end it now on good terms and remain friends if possible? If you two are meant to be, you will find each other again. But right now, you have to do what's important for you and your future.
Well you guys are still young and I don't personally know him but if hes like the rest of the male population at this age then you're better off to leave him. College is an exciting experience and you don't want to ruin that with being stressed out about your boyfriend cheating on you at some other college. And hey if you guys still want to be together after the first year of college then do it up. And from someone who has trust issues herself I know exactly how you feel about this situation.
Well, i definitely have feedback for that i know it first hand. i never EVER thought i could do long distance i was completely against it since i started dating. But i met michael when i was a month from graduating high school then we got together and we were around each other almost 24.7 for a year and a half, then he got a really good job 15 hours away and he went to live with his dad and needed to pay off his debt and find a place, so i could move there too. Though it's been the most tough thing ever and i've cried almost every night and we fight all the time, the fights are really over stupid things that i know is just because of the long distance. When we are finally together again i know everything will be wonderful, but these past 11 months have been hell.
you're too insecure, and to be honest, relationships that start in hs and end up at different colleges rarely ever last.
I think if you really care about him and what you guys had and have right now it's worth trying. If you are super doubtful you can break up for the first semester to give each other space to settle in to the whirlwind of the new experience. You can also agree to break up and after the semester is over drop a line to see if you guys really want to give it a shot again or if it's best to focus on the college life you guys made.
i really think it depends on each person individually, and the "mature" decision for someone else might not be the "mature" decision for you. my freshman year, i broke up with my boyfriend because i believed the fairytale, and a few years later, i can tell you that not all college men are magically grown up, intelligent, articulate, and hot. in the matter of fact, at my private school where i felt like i was the only person receiving financial aid, they were actually kind of dicks (generally speaking). one thing led to another, and now i'm in a relationship with another guy from my hometown (seven hours away). we've been together for over a year. so i mean i'm not sure that my personal experience has anything to say in your case, but the decision is more in the quality of the guy. and deciding to keep a relationship going isn't like putting on an engagement ring or something . . . you can break it off in the mutual interest of both parties later :]