Monday, 13 June 2011
Allow me to be vain for the length of this post because what I'm about to present to you is based purely on physical appearance, and of course, my personal opinion. Since I'll be trashing quite a few media darlings, you're welcome to insult me and we'll call it fair game. Hopefully this will keep people from whining about shallowness and inner beauty while being shallow and showcasing their inner ugliness in tandem. I'm really not holding back on this one.
You've seen them before--couples that just leave you wondering how strong of a bond has been formed between the two or if money was involved, because there's a disgusting disparity in physical attractiveness or age. I don't possess photographic evidence of specific couples who managed to uproot my eyeballs with gross metaphysical ease, so I'm resorting to picking on notable people, for better or for worse.
In no particular order, I bring you...
People Who Give Other People Hope
This man has to be doing something right because J-Lo keeps coming back to him like shitty wedding day flashbacks to a recovering amnesiac divorcee. (God-awful memories of watching Maid in Manhattan may be more accurate, though.) We're living in a post-J-Lo-booty world where her ass has been sent to fart about in irrelevancy by Kim Kardashian's superior buns, but she still retains the upper-hand in this lopsided partnership.
Marc Anthony looks like he was victimized by a rogue army of Skeletor clones who strapped him down in a Cuban coca field, following it up with the injection of heroin and Easy-Lax as an initiation ritual. He looks sick, and not in a good way. At least Steve Buscemi acknowledges that he resembles a cancer patient-turned pedophile and chooses roles accordingly like in Con Air and Ghost World. Marc Anthony? He's just another below-average singer who can't act his way out of a lie whiter than his own name.
When Marc Anthony isn't busy looking like he's about to die, he'll sport cheesy facial hair that makes him look like a rejected version of A.J. McLean from The Backstreet Boys. You're not original, sexual, or everything I need so I will cease to rock my body now.
Hugh Jackman & Deborra-Lee Furness
This is WOLVERINE. Robert Angier. Hell, Memphis from Happy Feet! He could pillage the collective beef curtains of the world, yet he's with some oldish, below-average-looking blonde woman? I can't imagine how many death threats this lady must receive from crazed fans. If the Internet is anything to go by, I'd say she must get about as much mail as your average spam box. Not only is she compared to Elton John physically, but if you type in "Hugh Jackman" and "wife" into a Google search, the first suggestion adds the word "ugly" into the text field. Ouch.
If I were Wolverine, I'd claw my way into bed with hundreds of women, contract STI's, then laugh about it because I'm Hugh Jackman and I'll never die. But no, he settled for the wrinkly grape in the vine amidst women finer than the wine he's drinking himself to sleep with. An utter waste of penis.
Marko Jaric & Adriana Lima
If South Park were real, Marko "what the fuck happened to my eyes?" Jaric would be a real character. A boring, oafish one, but still a character. Adriana Lima is Brazil perfected, and her Portuguese tongue speaks the language of love in slithers wasted on a roll of the jaundiced snake eyes. God damn. If Marko Jaric's eyes were any closer together, nearsightedness would be a homonym.
If we want to get clever here, we can say that the disparity in attractiveness between these two is larger than Rio de Janeiro, the capital of the 6th largest city in the Americas. That's pretty big.
Geoffrey Arend & Christina Hendricks
Alright, this couple literally makes me want to cry. She may as well star in a competing show called "Mad Women" which makes more sense given how insanely beautiful and stupid she is for not marrying me instead. Granted, we've never met, but you know... I'm in an irrational state right now. Geoffrey Arend looks like a cross between Tiger Woods and John Leguizamo's uglier sibling with unwashed, greasy pubes growing out of his scalp. He has one of those annoying smiles that makes you want to punch the person in the face without remorse.
Christina Hendricks, if you're reading this, do yourself a favor and send me a PM. I can offer you great massages, better looks, and a coupon for 50 cents off of a bag of Tostitos corn chips. That's an offer you just can't say no to.
Sting & Trudie Styler
Look at this gruff, bad-ass activist who fronted The Police. If I had to send him a message in a bottle, it would pertain to his marriage with a woman sporting a face only a mother's pity could (maybe) love. I just don't get it. His first wife, Frances Tomelty, wasn't a looker either, so I'm questioning his taste in women. And his sexuality. However, it's highly unlikely that he bats for the other team because I would assume he'd keep a lower profile like P. Diddy if that were the case. Biggie Smalls and P. Diddy were actually gay lovers, and Sean Combs later went on to rip Sting's "Every Breath You Take" in a tribute to his dead flame.
See how it all adds up? This can't be a coincidence.
While I wouldn't become bisexual for him, I can see why others would. I can't foresee any women wanting to eat Trudie's holiest of holies, though.
Dennis & Elizabeth Kucinich
Dennis Kucinich, I love you man, and would kill to see a Paul/Kucinich presidency, but I wouldn't hesitate to create a softcore HBO porno with your hot wife. Holy hell, she's smoking hotter than a lit cigarette on the tip of hot breaths between fire-red lips. If I promise to run ad campaigns and donate a kidney, will you lend her to me for a night or two? We could conduct sexual congress for the good of the nation, I swear!
The height difference here is pretty substantial, and I'm sure she's only with you for the press and political power, so it would only make sense to give her what she truly desires: A fully erect, Viagra-free, American penis. I would make that long red hair burn harder than pissing whilst being afflicted with gonorrhea.
Pierce Brosnan & Keely Shaye Smith
I can't really fault James Bond the 7th on this one, actually. When they first met, Keely Shaye was very attractive and both were on an even level when it comes to physical attractiveness. Then, it happened: Keely Shaye Smith became the new Stay Puft mascot for the Ghostbusters movies. While it's a commendable role, I can't imagine Pierce Brosnan was very happy about these turn of events.
While she doesn't look all that bad with clothing on, it's an entirely different story when beach weather rolls along. And when I say rolls along, I really do mean rolls along.
Sean Connery & Micheline Roquebrune
Since we're on the topic of plastic and James Bond, what better way to follow it up than with the travesty that is Sean Connery and his unfortunate plastic surgery disaster of a wife? Dear God, she's a runner-up for an anti-surgery campaign right behind Jocelyn Wildenstein. It's like they're from the same breed of deformity that deserves to be categorized separately and castigated from society for good reason. I'm all for segregation if it means less exposure to eye-sores such as Micheline.
As a French artist, she should have known better than to take the visual and plastic influences apparent in this art form seriously. As a popular French cliché (oh-hoh-hoh-hohhh) goes: C'est la vie.
To conclude, perhaps there will be a part two (crazy thought: maybe they all have great personalities!) but I ask you beautiful Xangans: Which celebrity couple do you think has the biggest difference in physical attractiveness? Would you keep dating your significant other if they had a significant change in appearance? Am I on Lovelyish yet?
Nuñez Love Doctor.
Certified with a PhD in Vanity and Self-Loathing.Image Source Image Source Image Source Image Source Image Source Image Source Image Source Image Source