Saturday, 11 June 2011

• Dear Hyperbolic Girls I Wouldn't Even Date Drunk

  
  Dearest Hyperbolic Girls I Wouldn't Even Date in a Permanent State of Drunkness, High-ness, or during the Rapture,

  Hey. What's up? Just wanted to write y'all this little something-something to let you know that it just isn't going to happen. It's not me, it's you. I might be sipping the Haterade, but the fact of the matter is that - right now - the flavor just tastes right.

  

  Dear Girl Back from an American Exodus to Budapest, Paris, and London Who Won't Shut Up about How Much She Was Enlightened in Europe,

  To be fair, I like Europe. It's a fine continent. There're a lot of interesting things to see and some really cool cultures to hang out around. However, when you come back to the States, I can assure you that we don't give a damn about how the Hungarians order a beer. I take that back - we would care, but you've spent the whole last half-hour aloofly chiming in about how much you didn't realize the backwardness of Americans until you went (specifically) to Europe. I was unaware our country had grown cosmologically obese and developed the cultural mores of Morlocks over the span of a couple months.

  It's very cool that you think you've gone all enlightened on us (and simply Kant go back - har har), but you carry all of this new-found intelligence and maturity with zero responsibility to your community or your own society. Sorry, honey, but I don't believe in bitching about my country without at least trying to make it a somewhat better place. If London was paradise, I suggest you move there. You might just find out how quickly it takes to realize that human societies are all very similar and have many of the same faults no matter where you go. A critical mind isn't one focused on making complaints, but is always driven towards solutions. And, no, I can't say that in French for you.

  

  Dear Girl Who Tells Everyone She Didn't Read Twilight When It Was One of Her Favorite Book Series,

  No one has ever accused me of ever reading anything "fun," so I've developed some guilt when I try to tell people that their hobbyist reading is childish at best. It seems very mean-spirited and poncy. I concede: if your reading list makes you happy, that's what's important. (Art should entertain and educate - although I still don't see the educational part of Twilight, but hey...) What throws my official Canterbury Tales illumination-print panties into the deepest twist of the century is when you won't just own up to it.

  I've always thought the concept of a guilty pleasure is fairly stupid - just own up to what you like and have the confidence to rep it. The fact of the matter is that the very lack of confidence that keeps you mum at best and lying at worst when it comes to Twilight fandom is what makes you so very unattractive. I know you want to look mature or smart or whatever it is you think you'll look like if you hide your love for Bella and Edward, but you'd look all the more legitimate if you would just be yourself. Own up to yourself and let that freak flag fly.

  P.S. When I was in eighth grade, I bought the first Nickelback CD and liked it for as long as I had a crush on a girl who liked it. And I definitely bought that Smash Mouth album back in the day. There're two dirty little secrets, now where's yours?

  

  Dear Most Nazistical Grammar Nazi This Side of the 1930s Rhineland,

  You bought that elementary school garbage of standard American language hook, line, and sinker? Good for you - you can follow arbitrary rules that aren't backed by science or the force of law. What bothers me most is when you force these rules, which are generally the hallmark of higher socioeconomic upbringings, on us poor people below. bUt h3r35 t3h R34l k1kk3r: real language from real people will never fit a completely unethical standard created by upper-crust academics uninterested in actual language science. The brand of linguistics actually accepted by legit scholars isn't the study of language as how it should be - it's language as it is.

  "Ain't" is a verb, "y'all" is a pronoun, and you can understand me when I misuse "their"/"they're"/"there" but you choose to complain anyway. Prescriptive grammar is little more than poorly veiled cultural hegemony perpetrated at the lowest rungs of the educational system, which gives you the thought that anyone who doesn't speak "properly" must be a moron or should be pitied for their lack of education.

  It frustrates me how you seem to measure intelligence through markers that don't reflect a notion that something can be different without it being wrong. This is why I can't date you. You've missed the whole point of intelligence as being something grounded in reality and actual human experiences, and I need someone who's as sharp as a Ginsu when it comes to their opinion on knowledge.

  

  Dear Artsy-Fartsy Chick with a Really Obvious Inspirational Quote Tattooed Somewhere Easily Hidden,

  I actually kind of like quotes-as-tattoos, black nail polish, and amateur photography - but don't you think it's weird that you have some tattoo about being all proactive in your own life when you sit around and paint flat geometric shapes as "art?"

  I believe that art is excessively important for a healthy society, but I also don't believe that art for art's sake is effective art at all. If we're getting all fancy-schmancy about it, I really don't think I can date you until you realize that all useful works of art are, at their core, propaganda for some cause or another. I don't think it takes your thick-rimmed glasses to see that our time on this Earth should be focused on at least trying to do something useful for others. Even if we are the most filthy hedonists imaginable, we can rationalize that helping the common good through an ecological ethos will - in turn - only be a more diversified investment in our own happiness. And, baby, you gotta diversify your portfolio.

  Art should always be a mindful menage a trois: industry, intelligence, and wisdom. I'm not saying I'm into that sort of thing otherwise, but it really is the only way I can date my own kind.

  What misjudgments turn you off of a person? 

  (Image Source: 1, 2, 3, 4)

  Image Source

  • 5:00 PM
  • 5940 Views
  • 74 eProps
  • 46 Comments