Saturday, 11 June 2011
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Recent Breakup, Don't Know Where to Go
This post was submitted by an anonymous user.Me and my girlfriend of over a year just broke up. It's not typical at all. We have both had serious relationships before, and both have been through a hell of a lot together. She thinks she doesn't know who she is as a person and needs to find herself. We're relatively young and I guess she wants to make sure I'm the right guy, but whatever. She doesn't want to give me the hope of getting back together because she wants to be independent. I apparently have no part in the reason we broke up, and I don't know whether to be best friends with her and still be close or to break the ties completely and make her realize what she had.
Any help would be appreciated.
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Comments (17)
My highschool boyfriend and I broke up for this same reason after we graduated school. We had been together for about a year and a half, and I felt that I didn't really know who I was as a person now that I was out of high school, and I didn't particularily like being "Allen and Steph"...I wanted to learn who Steph was by herself. We broke up but tried to stay friends, which turned into us pretty much still dating without the title, while I was going on other dates and hanging out more with my friends, but still texting him goodnight and telling him I loved him. It went on for six months until I found someone else.
I had told him I didn't want him to wait, but he had said he would wait forever for me. In the end, he got his heart broken and I lost my best friend because he had wanted something that I wasn't sure I would ever really be ready for.
You really should do what feels right, but be prepared for the worst. Don't get your hopes up, and just live your life however you feel you need to. If you move on, you move on. And if she does, then so be it. Everything happens for a reason, and once she finds herself, it may not be you she comes back to.
Good luck. I hope everything works out in the end.
take it as an opportunity to grow. I had to laugh at the line, "It's not typical at all," not to be mean, but just because the whole situation really is typical for a lot of people, even if it is new to you.
Maybe you will get back together; maybe you won't. Use the time to focus on yourself, focus on your non-romantic relationships, maybe sign up on okcupid and go on a few dates to see if you were missing anything or if you really were happy as a clam in that relationship.
I think when people say they are trying to find themselves it is an honest evaluation, but also perhaps a warning that they are no longer seeing themselves as the person they are when you started dating.
As harsh as it sounds, cut her off. If she wants to be independent, maybe you should too. And if you get back together in the future, then great, but if you don't, you will have moved on and you won't be disappointed.
Good luck :)
Let her go. If you don't, and you keep bugging her then she really will lose all hope in the two of you. Respect her wishes.
I was in a similar situation (kinda) quite a few years ago. I broke up with my boyfriend (my reasons were because other important relationships in my life were suffering because of ours, and I needed to learn how to maintain those relationships before I could try to maintain that one). I told him that if he gave me my space so that I could figure all of this out. I told him that I needed a couple weeks without him in order to do that. And what happened instead? He kept texting me and showing up where I was asking me if I was done thinking about us and if we could start over. And what happened? I told him he had no chance. EVER! And he never got a second chance. Was I being hard on him? I don't know, but how could I trust him to respect my wishes when we're together if he couldn't even do it when we weren't together.
So, respect her wishes. Don't try and push her for a decision.
Cut ties with her. It'll be easier for you both without having to see each other. It will help you avoid any wierdness or hurtful feelings that can result from still caring about someone, yet not being able to be with them in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. It also gives her some "growing" room and no room for confusion when it comes to her feelings for you.
There is nothing more torturous than having to just "be friends" with someone you really like and have been involved with in the past.
If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never really yours in the first place.
Just let her go. Sometimes you gotta cut your loses and it seems she wants to be free for awhile. But don't get your hopes up high.
This is pretty typical actually. You can do a million things to try to get her to notice what she is giving up but she has to be the one to realize this on her own in the end. Let her go. Let her do what she needs to do. People go through this kinda thing all the time where they want to find themselves and figure out who they are as a person, likes, desires, etc, without the disturbance of having someone else to think about (you).They just want to be free to be themselves, whoever that is, without any ties. Yeah it seems selfish and may very well be selfish, but you can't change her mind. So let her go.
I agree with the majority here. When you're young, sometimes being in such serious or lengthy relationships can cause one of the people to feel lost and not as much as an individual. I say move on, her loss.
Move on. I know how she feels. You will not get back in. Move on.
I've said that I have to "find myself" once, but looking back, I really meant that I needed to find someone else. You shouldn't pester her if she broke up with you. Rarely do people come back just because the ex reminded them verbally about what they had.
OK, buddy! The problem here is that the girl is not mature enough for a serious relationship. She may be more mature than others you've dated, but she cannot handle a 'full-steam-ahead', commited-forever, relationship. You may disagree but if you examine the facts, it will always boil down to that!
The second major problem is this: She wants to be independent!. (Oh, how I hate that friggin' line!). You cannot be independent in any relationship without shortchanging the other person. One hand washes the other, my friend. It takes two hands to clap! Like it or not, that is what a relationship is. Many people will want to discuss/debate what I mean by this as most people will take the statement to the extreme. Independence doesn't necessarily mean giving up freedom. If fact, needing someone is indeed a necessary part of a relationship!
You need to find another diversion/distraction to keep your mind off of her, because you are wasting your life. If she comes around, then fine. Make your decision then, to commit or remain separate at that time. Don't miss any opportunities (as in relationship opportunities) that may arise because you are sitting around longing for what you believe is your one and only everlasting love, because it isn't, now is it?
Trust me! I've been in enough relationships and seen my share of flakes to comment on this.
Take advantage of the time you have with yourself. If it feels right for you, keep in touch, if not, then don't. Live your life and be happy.
It sounds like she's completely lost interest in you. I used that as an excuse not to tell a guy that I just wasn't into him anyone. You know, blame it on me. I wanted to stay friends, but we didn't talk for a few months because he needed space to really get over me. He got another girlfriend, I got another boyfriend, and bam, we could actually talk again. Now we're best friends.
But that time in between was essential. We needed space to get each other out of our heads; move on, find another love interest. If you don't find another girl to be interested in, you'll always just have her in your head. Move on. If she loved you, she'd be with you. I'm sorry :/ Everyone goes through something like this, just be strong. It's going to SUCK for some time. But I promise you, you'll meet someone else much much much better. You deserve someone to unconditionally love you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8Oi-9tUp88
What's the best case scenario here? She "finds" herself, suddenly knows who she is and comes back to you?
No.
Finding yourself is a bunch of BS. You never stop growing and changing. It's important to find someone you can do that with.
Stay friends if you want. But if you don't seriously move on, it won't be pleasant when she finds someone else.