Friday, 10 June 2011
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Being the Dirty Mistress
Maybe it's the times and today's society, or maybe it's because I'm getting older, but it almost feels like every guy I meet has cheated on their girlfriend or wouldn't mind cheating on her.I recently found out that my ex-boyfriend, whom I've decided to remain friends with, was in a long term relationship with another woman, who he was living with. I should have known because he wouldn't let me see his apartment, and kept a passlock on his phone - Not that I'm the type to go through his phone without his permission, and not that I would ever need the permission to go through his phone at all.
We dated for about 2.5 months before I was to move away from him, and perhaps never see him again. I mean, we both knew that the relationship was going to be short, and we both inherently knew that we had no intentions of having a long-distance relationship. But still, the time that I spent with him meant a lot to me. I cared for him, believed in him, and loved spending time with him.
After I moved away, we stayed in touch - mainly through email or text messages here and there. One night, I get a surprised message from his "girlfriend" - and she is going off the roof asking if I knew he had a girlfriend or not, a girlfriend whom he had been dating for 4 years and living together for 3. Clearly I had no idea, so I told her to call me so that we could talk about this issue. She responded by saying she did not want to hear my voice on the phone, which I thought was a bit strange.
Later, he apologizes, and says that he left his phone in a cab - and was just able to get it replaced when he contacted me again. I told him what happened with the girl, and he denies it - saying that it must have been someone playing a trick.
But I don't see how a person who is playing a trick can seem so angry. I'm almost sure he's lying... I know it doesn't really matter anymore since I will probably never see him again, but I feel like a fool for thinking for a moment that we actually could have made things work if I were to have stayed in the area.
So who is really at fault? The dirty mistress or the guy?
What about cases where the girl (or guy) knows that her man (his girl) has a girlfriend (boyfriend)? Who is more at fault? The cheater or the mistress?
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- From: impulsivewords
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Comments (27)
Well, if the mistress doesn't know that she's the other woman, clearly it's the cheating guy's fault. If the mistress knows, then they are equally at fault. If she doesn't find out until after they are in the relationship, and she continues the relationship, she is then at fault.
I don't really think it's strange that she didn't want to hear your voice. To her, you are the homewrecker. Her stomach is probably turning every time she thinks about it. If you get the chance, tell her that you didn't know, that you have no intention of remaining in contact with this guy, and that you're sorry for causing her pain unintentionally. And don't stay friends with this dude, it's clear that he's a loser.
If he/she knows that they are dating someone, who's with someone else, it's both of their faults. If they don't know, it's the cheating persons fault. Simple as that, in my opinion.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - I agree with the faults and that it's not weird she wouldn't want to hear her voice.
Look at it from her perspective...she doesn't want to cry on the phone and appear weak to you. She doesn't really want to talk to you about it. She's hurt because she feels she wasn't enough for him. She just wants you to know that this guy has a g/f and to back off. And as far as your fault...it's not because you didn't know he had a g/f but if you continue to pursue the relationship now then it will be equally your fault. And don't believe the lies...he's going to say whatever he thinks will get him in the clear and you don't want to be in the middle of their issues anyway. it's just going to get uglier. and by the off chance someone was messing with you...it doesn't matter because like you said you're far away now. I would just stop talking to him just to make sure you don't chance being in the middle of the fire!
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - everything you said.
I've been a mistress with a married man and you get a lot of judgement and the wife was physically trying to assault me, yet her husband was equally at fault, and the one cheating on her. Usually women always attack the other woman because they don't want to put blame on the male. He was going towards steps to divorce her then in the end decided to stay with her. It is a painful experience, but I did love him and wanted to spend my life with him. Both people are at fault here but I don't necessarily think of myself as a homewrecker just because it was his decision to do that to his marriage. Takes two to tango.
If the lover knows their toy is in a relationship, they are both equally at fault. I don't care what poo poo some spout about it being only the taken one's responsibility. No, it's wrong to be a low class skank/manskank and help someone cheat.
@KC - If you were cheating with my husband I'd try to assault you too
...yes it takes two to tango, but other women should just know better I think. I don't understand how we women do that to each other.
@CecilliaMarie@xanga - LOL It wouldn't be a try... I'm normally a very sweet tame chill person... However, if I caught my husband with another woman...
I would be calm with the woman at first but if she knew regardless if he says he was taking steps towards a divorce or not... That would be throw down time :D I mean loose my mind throw down time.
My Husband would also have to do lot's of "essplanin" to get out of being beaten with his Japanese wooden training sword...
But to the OP as far as your concerned he cheated on both of you... You were not a mistress...
I think when the mistress knows she's the mistress she is too at fault, but not as much as the boyfriend/husband. The mistress doesn't owe the girlfriend/wife anything except common humanity. It's easy for the mistress to not care, justify it, etc. because she may not know the woman personally. It doesn't make it any less wrong, but this is probably why so many women are so willing.
@MommyMarty22@xanga - I agree. It would be different if you had known, but since you didn't there really isn't anything you could have done.
@KC - People like this make me sick. Even if he weren't married, to knowingly continue in a relationship with someone who is supposed to be committed is wrong. You can tell yourself it's not your fault all you want, but it is. YOU KNOW he's with someone.
I would say I'd rather someone be a complete bitch and do whatever it takes to break up a couple so they can have them before they cheat. As horrible as that is, the amount of pain that you could potentially cause that woman without even batting an eye because "you loved him" is awful to me. Yes you're a homewrecker. So is he. It takes two, but it's not like your splitting the blame and immorality of it because there are two of you. It's equally awful on both of your sides.
It would ONLY be your fault if you knew.... If you didnt, well then.. You had no idea he had another girlfriend and its not your fault, its his... But it does seem like he's lying.. I hate guys like that.. Lie even though YOU know the truth....
It is ALWAYS the cheater's fault. And sometimes it is also the "other woman/man's" fault, but to a lesser extent.
@KC - .... I dont even know what to say to you.... If you knew he was going to get a divorce.. Cant you just wait till it actually goes through? Dont do anything considered cheating, cause thats messed up.. I hope his wife leaves him for that because no one deserves to be treated like that! And to be honest, I'd probably have to punch you if you did that to my boyfriend.. Dont worry, I'd get even with the bf because i'd be both of your fault..... But in this case with the op, its not her fault, she didn't know...
God I hate people like you
you didn't know you were THE other woman so it's the GUY who is at fault. You can't be a "mistress" if you didn't even know that she existed; so if anything, only in HER perspective, you're the other woman. And she probably didn't want to hear your voice because her suspicions of him sleeping around behind her back (which I bet isn't the first time she felt it) becomes ALL too real. Knowing and suspecting is different, right? Denial is still an option if she doesn't actually talk to you in life.
I'm sure he told her that it was someone playing a trick on HER just like he told you. What a douchebag. ugh
And please don't generalize; every guy you meet have cheated on his gf or wouldn't mind cheating on her, doesn't cover the spectrum of MEN in the world. Maybe, it's the type of guys you're attracted to or appealed to have a relationship with?
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - i agree withh youu :)
a few married men have been drawn to me. I don't seek them out. they talk to me first and tell me that they are single so I didn't know. I only found out that they were married through my own online investigation. after the first guy lied to me about his relationship status, I didn't trust the others and didn't take their word for it that they were single. once I found out that these men lied to me, I could no longer take them seriously. there was never any physical sexual contact, mainly emotional. they mostly complained how their wife/gf was annoying and how much they enjoyed talking to me. they revealed things to me that sounded like things that they'd mostly tell their male buddies about. I stopped the flirting and later we talked as just friends, because I'd never actually date them, but they had a similar sense of humor and we enjoyed each others' company as friends, although that wouldn't work out either because we stopped talking altogether and couldn't even be just friends since they seemed to want more, which I didn't want more due to knowing that they weren't reliable, trustworthy nor anything worth being committed to. their wife/gfs found out but stayed with them, which was probably due to their lies about how I pursued them or something, but they were the ones, who strayed and intentionally flirted with other women lying about their status.
If you didn't know..you can't possibly be at fault but I understand the other woman's feelings about it. I do think it's best to end the relationship with him and if you continue it..it doesn't look good on you.
I don't see why this is ever a big debate. It is always completely 100% the guys' fault, or girl, if the situations were reversed. Whoever is the one in a committed relationship and then willingly chooses to cheat is the wrong person. Sure it's bad that someone would agree to cheat with this person, but like others have said, they don't have any obligation to the main gf/bf. I really don't understand why a wife would be more mad at a mistress than the husband, that's just stupid to me. The person who decides to cheat is always the problem. There are always temptations to cheat, but we have free will, you can't blame external things. Please, recognize who the bad guy is in these types of situations, otherwise cheaters will think they can blame external reasons, like the other girl/guy, which is not addressing the issue at all! He/she made a commitment to YOU, and they broke it, not the "other" party.
The guy is at fault, but if you continue your relationship with him then you're going to be in hot water too.
It could have been a prank, I've played mean pranks before.
The guy seems sketchy, you shouldn't deal with him.
It's not like you knew you were "the other woman" so there is no blame on your part. The cheater is 111% to blame.
When I was single, I would still enjoy sex with different guys but they had to be single. I wasn't going to be a homewrecker/the other woman/whatever. It's not the mistress's fault if a guy is cheating on his partner with them, but if you know the guy is taken it should be a no brainer to say no to him.
You're not at fault if you didn't know. If you did know, then both of you and the guy would be at fault (after all, relationships are no accident. You can't accidentally both be naked, and fall on his member).