Friday, 10 June 2011
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From Lusty to Lovey dovey?
In a previous post, I discussed a theory that an acquaintance of mine had, which was that sex should be introduced early on in the dating process so that both parties can discover if they are emotionally as well as sexually compatible. I read some of the comments from the post and a couple of readers have stated they are now in happy, committed relationships with a person they either slept with on the 1st date, had a one night with, or had as a friend with benefits (FWB).
This is not an unheard situation, so I was not surprised. It seems to me that these physical turned emotional relationships were successful because both people were on the same page at the same time. Neither person was looking for or anticipating a relationship at the beginning, but over time, their bond got deeper and there was a mutual acceptance of a relationship. Well, this got me thinking about an alternate situation—one where the 2 people involved are not necessarily on the same brainwave. What if one person looks forward to commitment/a relationship, but the other person was not initially open to that because he/she wants to be FWB first?
For example, take 2 scenarios I was faced with. Let me preface this by saying that I made it clear to both of these guys that I am more of a relationship-minded person than anything. In the 1st case, the guy suggested we start off as FWB and then explore the possibility of a relationship later on while in the 2nd case, a different guy claimed that all his relationships started out as FWB and that he really did not know how to function otherwise.
He basically said something like this: “I like to keep things casual. I’m not exactly opposed to committed relationships, but I don’t go out looking for them either. When I meet an attractive girl, we’ll go out a couple of times, mess around, and sometimes, somewhere along the line, feelings develop. If not, then I had a fun time nonetheless.”
When both people are initially interested in being only FWB, a possible progression to a committed relationship is smoother because they share a similar frame of mind as well as similar intentions. However, when you have 1 individual who prefers to be casual and another who wants something more serious, the use of sex/FWB as a precursor or some type of “baby step“ to a relationship can be highly problematic. This seems very much like a horse before the cart situation.
In my case, if I had chosen to take either one of those guys I mentioned up on their offer, I couldn’t help but feel that more than likely I would be entering a win/loss situation, with me of course being the one to take the loss. They were trying to lure me in with what could be possibly classified as false hope because it's as if they were using the possibility of a relationship as bait, so that I would agree to be FWB. In the end, that age old question comes to mind: If a person can continuously sleep with someone (or multiple someones for that matter) without being in a relationship, what would really compel him/her to commit?
It’s one thing if you meet someone and a FWB naturally develops because, in this case, no one is expecting or hoping for anything more. It is what it is—something casual and fun and both parties are able to roll with the punches. However, it’s a different ballpark, if someone is more or less coerced into a FWB situation because they feel that this will be the catalyst for developing a committed relationship with a guy or girl that they are genuinely interested in. I think it’s more than likely that he or she will end up feeling hurt and unfulfilled.
Is it plausible or rather, is it realistic, that a relationship can flourish from a situation where one person initially only wants to be FWB? Has anyone ever been in a relationship that started like this?
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- From: Cassie
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Comments (12)
in my one and only FWB it started as us being really good friends. we got drunk. it led to sex. from there we had a really good time hanging out and having sex. i then fell for him, and he didnt want a relationship. i ended it several months later. i dont think i can ever be in a FWB thing again since i fall for men i sleep with :/
Personally, I wouldn't give my body, and possibly my emotions on the line for someone who could potentially just be using me for his sexual gratification. Sure, I do believe it's possible for relationships to grow from that type of situation, but I don't really think it's the healthiest. I feel like it wouldn't lead to marriage, and if it did, then it would probably end in divorce. If sex is that high of a priority, then think about what is being put on a lower priority. Financial issues, parenting issues, religious and political issues, I feel like those should definitely be on a higher priority than sex. If sexual gratification is that high of a priority, I honestly feel like that person is being selfish, and not thinking about what's in the other person's best interest. Why would you want to start a relationship with someone like that?
Get to actually know a person before you let them potentially give you an STD, or get you pregnant. If you're that driven by sexual desires, then yea, you probably aren't ready for a relationship either.
@BehindTheSeens@xanga - Exactly. I feel the same way.
My situation with this one man:
Friends
Relationship
Sex in relationship
Breakup
Friends
Friends with Benefits
Dating
Relationship? (currently deciding on this one)
This process has taken over 3 years. We were in a relationship and the breakup was bad (he said he just fell out of love with me), but we lived in the same dorm and couldn't escape each other, so we remained friends. I always wanted to be something more than friends, but he didn't. I decided that I wanted any part of him I could get, even if it was just sex, so we started sleeping together again. This went on for about 1.5 years, neither of us sleeping with anyone else, but we both went on a few dates with other people. A few months back, he said that he wanted to do things right and take me out on a proper date. Through all this time of sleeping with me, and faced with the fact that I might move on with one of the men I've dated, he realized he had feelings for me. He says he thinks that the feelings never would have developed (again) if we hadn't had that physical connection. We've been on 5 dates now, are happy, and decided to be in an exclusive relationship without labels (he's not my "boyfriend", even though we aren't seeing anyone else) and we're hoping to figure out if the things that were problems for us in the past are still problems now that we've matured together in our friendship and dealing with one another. He says he's ready to settle down, he just isn't sure if I'm the right girl yet. Even though I never stopped loving him, I don't know if he's the right guy yet either. Our situation is a little weird and convoluted, but I have hope now where I didn't before.
Anyway, those are my two-cents. Having been someone who wants a relationship and was sleeping someone who was certain he didn't, I've felt the unfairness and I now revel in my dream come true. I'm sure I'm the exception, not the rule, but I guess anything can happen.
Sex can mess up the interpretation of a relationship... Making people believe it's deeper than it really is.
Deal with the emotional aspect first... That'll give you a clear idea on how deep the connection is... Then start bangin'.
That's how it was with my current relationship. We never would have been as comfortable with each other sexually, if we didn't build a strong emotional connection. With that strong emotional connection.. It brought in some awesome bangin'.
But I guess.. Whatever floats your boat. I prefer taking things slow sexually. Warm up to the person.
I'm currently in an FwB relationship. It's kind of what you stated, we both didn't want anything serious, we casually have sex. I'm starting to have more feelings for him but I'm not willing to tell him as I am moving away in 2.5 months. I don't really know how he really feels about me, he's hella confusing.
but yeah I think it could work out, if you both are willing too. However, I think both should communicate WELL with each other with what they want.
And hey, there's plenty of guys out there. DOn't get too bummed about these two guys, if they're not ready for a commitment, move on, find someone who is. Time is money! Plus don't waste your effort on someone like that!
@BehindTheSeens@xanga - Yeah, I feel the same way as well.
it takes more than one date or even a few dates or more like many months before I can gouge whether or not I can trust a guy, and I won't have sexual relations with a guy that I don't trust. hence, no way am I going to have sex on the first date or have one night stands. I don't care how hot the guy is either, because there's always hotter and I can wait for things to gradually progress if they do. an analogy would be that you wouldn't rent a car to just anybody, they have to have a reliable line of credit lol or I meant that I'd have to trust him and feel comfortable to take that ride:D different people have different requirements or not many requirements or different motives. to each their own.
@BehindTheSeens@xanga - I couldn't have said it better.
it takes work, so if you're willing to put the work then, i think that it IS possible. it'll take a while; not a day or two, maybe not even a month or two. but if you really like the person and youre willing to make it work, then it could happen.
My boyfriend and I started as just a fling, we just had a perfect physical chemistry with each other. After a few times though, I asked him if he wanted to be just friends or to date because I don't want a FWB situation forever. He said he wanted to date. :) We've been together for over 4 years now, almost 5 years coming this fall!
However, I should say that not all situations would end up like mine. I think it worked because we weren't trying to make it clear on what we were til we were sure it's what we both wanted.