Thursday, 09 June 2011
I'm naked on Jones beach, a Paramore concert is playing about 2 football fields away, and I'm having sex with my ex boyfriend with no thoughts of reconciliation. We are on a blanket under the stars and while it's not mind blowing, it's nice, sweet and as my legs wrap around his body as I'm on top we just hold each other and I realize the feeling I feel the most, I'm comfortable.
When I arrived at East Valley Day Camp for orientation for the fourth summer in a row, the last person I was expecting to see was "Allen" my boyfriend from high school who swore he would not be coming back for a fourth year. But as I rounded the corner to receive my name tag and sign in there he is, sitting by the camp stage with his bitch of a friend "Leigha," and I swear my heart is in my throat and I'm shaking.
I'm by myself, I have no one to sit with and I have to obviously be polite and say hi before taking a seat 5 rows in front of theirs. While I'm waiting for my friends to arrive I'm fidgeting in my seat, playing with my phone, wishing I brought a book or something and I practically feel Leigha's eyes burning through my back all the while hoping Allen is looking too.
His skin is tanner from the Florida sun and his hair is thick and long the way I like it and maybe it's just me but his eyes seem to have gotten more blue. Whatever it is I'm obviously still attracted to him but I can look at him without having any emotional attachment. I think. To get into the details, Allen was my best friend and I dated him for a year and 6 months in high school.
We were kids, but we were in love and we actually never had sex so there was always that wonder after we broke up which left a door open even when we felt closure. As the first part of the summer passed, Allen and I would smile at each other and wave politely and on the rare occasion would make small talk as he would make an excuse to come through the arts and crafts department.
But the day of the staff party Allen walked up to me asking me if I was going and when I said yes he stated "Ok! I'll see you there! Lets hang out!" I only thought he was being polite so I agreed and that's when one of my friends walked up to me and said "$20 bucks you make out with him. You two actually look like puppies when you talk to each other, you both got so cute I couldn't stop watching you guys!" Something in me kind of liked that idea and knew that if he made the move I wouldn't push him away.
That night I get to the staff party at 10pm and everyone there is pretty drunk. That's when I receive a text from Allen saying "Hey, I don't know if this is still your number or not but I just wanted to say hi." and here we go, I text him back and say that it's still me and that I'm still me and he should come up and say hi. He stated that he thought I wasn't going to show because I had come so late but that he wanted to see me.
I don't know what I was thinking but I text him "come find me" and in mere seconds there he was and instead of just hugging me and pulling back he just held me in his arms and whispered into my ear, "Can we go somewhere to talk?" I nodded and took him by the hand and led him down the stairs as everyone who knew our history watched with their jaws glued to the floor.
Two hours later I found myself in Allen's arms crying. It's complicated and i will always care about him but we would have never worked. We wanted different things. Regardless, when I lifted my face off of his chest his lips were on my own and I pulled away shocked that he actually kissed me. He stated that he was sorry but he couldn't help it while looking so adorable and when he had to catch his ride he kissed me again and this time I kissed him back.
After he leaves I dodge for the nearest bathroom in shock. I sit in the first stall I can open and start crying again! Do I still love him? What does this mean? What am I doing? These are all the questions swirling around in my head until the next day when I am actually encouraged by my friends and his own texts saying how much he missed me to hook up with my ex.
We would talk every day and sneak around meeting each other only to fool around at late hours of the night until we finally found ourselves on the beach having sex. Because I knew I loved him, but wasn't in love with him anymore, I was able to do this. I have no regrets about my Nicholas Sparks summer and while we don't talk, he has a girlfriend now, I am happy that I can close that chapter in my life, appreciate the amazing memories I have with Allen, and move onto the next great love of my life.