Wednesday, 08 June 2011

• Blinding Brothel: Who Knew There Were Naked Chicks at a Strip Club?

  
  I have been on some strange dates; but one of the oddest would probably be the time I double-dated at a strip club.  It was one of those summer nights when no one could think of anything fun to do. Seeing all the exotic and exciting-looking NYC and Vegas female strip clubs on TV and in movies, we all decided it would be a great idea to hit one up (me and my friend, Rachel, wanted to go as a goof, the guys, well, just wanted to go.)

  Since both guys pretended to be too innocent to know where any strip clubs were, I decided to call up my ex, the only person that I knew would be able to rattle off the name of one without even thinking. I won't name this Jersey club, because I don't want to offend anyone who may be reading this and currently working there. (Hopefully they're not reading it AS they work there.)

  The four of us drove in anticipation (and a little queasiness) for about an hour. As we pulled into the parking lot, we decided the GPS must have brought us to the wrong place. "This looks like a dump," I said, looking at the one-story building with a lit-up sign with only three quarters of the lights still working. "This can't be it. He said it was classy."

  "How many (insert name here) could there be? This is it, Jen," Rob answered. We hesitantly got out of the truck, and walked through the dirty glass door. "Ten dollar cover and two drink minimum," the bored-looking girl at the entrance said.

  The boys paid the admission and Rachel and I walked toward the closest wall, mouths agape. There were naked women everywhere; perhaps I should specify – hideous naked women everywhere! I couldn't move my eyes one foot without being scarred. I was being scarred for life by the minute. Cellulite, back fat, piercings, high heels and long hair was in every conceivable direction. When the girl with two pierced nipples began looking straighter me and touching herself, I knew I had to make a clean break for.

  The guys had just paid $40 + drinks, so we couldn't exactly leave after 3 minutes. There was only one safe haven left for me and Rachel – the Ladies' Room. Trying to be as nonchalant as we possibly could, Rachel and I speed-walked in the direction of the glowing red “Women” sign. “Oh my GOD – what did we get ourselves into?!” I screeched, the moment we got through the swinging door.

  “I thought this place was supposed to be classy,” Rachel shrieked back. “Jack’s an idiot.  I am totally sceeved out.  Let’s hide in here for awhile while we recover from all the strippers,” I replied. And then…it happened.  We knew the universe was against us.  As if in a movie, our world came drizzling down around us. 

  “Hey girls, don’t be strangers,” a feminine voice called out, causing me and Rachel to turn our heads to the left.  There, a doorway led to an adjoined room – an adjoined room filled with almost-naked strippers.  We had inadvertently stumbled across their dressing room, and were now being summoned by them. Rachel and I gave a half smile and a wave, and jetted into a bathroom stall.  Staring at each other, unable to speak for fear that we’d be heard, we stood there, motionless. 

  “What do we do?!” I desperately whispered to Rachel, practically mouthing the words. “I don’t know!” she cried back.

  We heard the door to the bathroom swing open again, realized that other girls probably thought we were making out in the stall, and darted out of there as quickly as we could. We informed the guys that they had wasted their money and that we would not be staying.  It turns out strip clubs are not for me.

  Have you ever been to a strip club?  Was it fun or just plain sceevy?

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