Monday, 06 June 2011
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To Tell Or Not to Tell?
I recently had a conversation with a customer (Lana) who had had a few too many Long Island iced teas while she tried to puzzle through the dilemma she was facing, regarding whether or not she should tell her friend (Vera) that Vera's boyfriend (Mark) has been making romantic overtures to her.Now, it is tempting to say, right off the bat, that Lana should tell Vera that Mark is not the man she thinks he is. But a closer examination of the situation reveals a picture that is much less clear-cut.
First, all evidence seems to indicate that Mark and Vera are the real deal. They live together. They go on vacations together. They canoodle happily in public. They know each others' families. Vera has even confessed that she suspects she may have found the One.
Second, Mark has never made a move on Lana; is probably too shy and too respectful to try such a thing. He doesn't do anything that is overtly inappropriate; he simply looks at Lana at certain times with a pained expression on his face. Only when he drinks a lot does he ever say anything, and the things he says are in the vein of the nobly frustrated crush: i.e. it's hard not to like you. Most recently, however, when Lana tried to affirm that they could be friends as long as it stayed appropriate, Mark refused to accept this. He said he couldn't pretend that their connection was anything other than what it was, which was a source of great distress for Lana (who is in a relationship with another man).
Third, Lana respects and values Vera much more than she is tempted by Mark's attentions, and wants very much for Vera to be happy. She senses that perhaps Mark is the man who could make Vera happy in the long run, but not if he continues in this way. She thinks perhaps he is simply going through a phase of uncertainty, and telling Vera could ruin something that did not need fixing. Because they are nearly always together, Lana has reacted to Mark's inappropriate behavior by avoiding both of them, which makes Lana sad and angry that she should have to miss her friend just because her friend's boyfriend insists on acting so immaturely.
Fourth, Lana fears telling Vera because although they are good friends, Mark is definitely the more important person in Vera's life; if suddenly a choice must be made between them, Lana is the one who would likely be rejected. Telling Vera the truth could be construed as Lana just wanting to call attention to herself, which she has been accused of in the past. While some may find it hard to commiserate with a beautiful and confident woman for always getting male attention, I felt a rush of compassion for Lana as she described the coldness and rejection from other women that this attention has provoked in her life.
Fifth, and finally, telling Vera would disrupt not only her whole romantic life, but also her living situation in a city where apartment-hunting is an endlessly exhausting endeavor.
So. Lana gave me permission to open this up to public debate. To tell or not to tell? That is the question.
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About the Author
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- From: ThatBirdisAbsurd
- About Me: I just moved to New York after studying and living abroad for five years in Canada, Europe and India. One amazing thing about being back in America: knowing EXACTLY how to say what you want to say, RIGHT when you want to say it. English makes dating a lot easier.
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Comments (29)
Tell, and let Vera decide what to do with that information.
I'd tell. The gf has every right to know if her bf is doing that. Hopefully, the gf decides what the right course of action is.
Do tell. She'd be a terrible person for not letting her friend know that her friend's man is unfaithful in any way.
i would want to know so telling her is good. her friend can either deal with in a mature way or not. though from what you said, she lives with them? awkward indeed. lol. hmm
I'd tell as respectfully as I could. Not telling her would be putting herself in an uncomfortable position, while keeping Vera in the dark--but for how long? I find that the truth always comes out, and in saying that, it's only a matter of time before Vera knows. I think it'd be better and more comforting to hear bad news from a friend.
Perhaps Lana should talk to Mark first and explain that though they have never physically done anything wrong that these feelings he has are inapproiate and needs to stop. If he contunies after that then she should tell because then - at least to me - he is disrespecting Vera in more ways than one and no friend wants to see thier friend end up with someone who won't respect them as a person. It's a very sticky situation but hopefully she can figure out what is best. :)
I wouldn't tell. I'd wait awhile and see if things progress in a negative way. Maybe Mark is just being an idiot and he'll get over it. Meanwhile, Lana risks losing a friend and getting hurt, and Vera will stay with Mark, albeit unhappily.
He hasn't really done anything yet, per se. I know I wouldn't like it if I was Vera, but if the problem went away fairly quickly on its own, I probably wouldn't even want to know. We all get crushes sometimes. He'll hopefully man up.
I would say she needs to tell him that the only reason she ever spends time around him is to spend time with her friend, and tell him to cut the shit or she's going to inform her friend. The end.
My boyfriend's best friend tried to sleep with me - while my boyfriend was on deployment and his WIFE was(still is) pregnant with their first child. I was like "Uh, no." and his response was "My wife hasn't slept with me in months."It was a repulsive situation. I told my boyfriend after debating not telling him, now he's not friends with his former best friend, and neither of us are going to tell his wife unless she asks what the deal is, which I assume she inevitably will since they were best friends. Ugh. Gross.
I thought this might be about telling someone if you're gay when I read the title, but haha, silly me, I forgot Datingish likes to post hate posts about the queer community.
In response to this particular instance, I would say that you have to know when to be quiet for the sake of your friendship and not get overly dramatic over something that isn't going anywhere. When I read the first paragraph I thought "romantic overtures" meant that he had been actually hitting on her, asking her out, touching her, something. But all he does is look at her with a painful expression?? Try explaining that to his girlfriend- she'll think you're the one with the mild crush.
As far as I can tell, it seems like he's attracted to her, but he's clearly made his choice, and is loyal to his girlfriend (because he makes efforts to not be friends with Lena when he realizes he is conflicted). No one is perfect and you can't expect someone's boyfriend to be so completely goo-goo over them that he'll never be attracted to anyone else.
of course she should tell.
wouldn't she want to know her man was a jerk BEFORE she marries him?
if she's truly tried her hardest to tell mark to back off, then she needs to either tell vera or take herself out of both mark and vera's lives.
Like everyone else has said.... Tell her, in the most respectful, non-threatening way possible. Be totally upfront and tell her that she doesn't want it to come between the 2 of them, but she thought she should know. And hope for the best!!
i'd tell. it's important for friends to know whats up and then let them decide what to do with what you told them.
she should ask her friend about a hypothetical situation. describe what's going on and then ask if she should tell or not.
She needs to tell. This guy might be the one to make Vera happy, but that's for Vera to decide for herself, not Lana. Regardless of whether she thinks he's the one for her, or is going through a phase, or only does it when he's drunk- he's misbehaving, and she needs to tell Vera so that she can have a talk with her man and decide if it's worth staying.
People who are telling this girl to tell Vera are ass hats. Imagine how you would feel if you knew the guy who is in love with you has a boner thinking about another chick? Even if he does everything he can to be faithful to you, now you wouldn't trust him -- don't open up to that kind of insecurity needlessly. Do you think you're being a bigger person by saying that the truth is all that matters-- that the truth is more important than the pain it would cause. It would be more selfish of Lana to tell Vera than it would be helpful.
It sounds like this problem is easy enough to solve. just stay away from drunk Mark. If she wants to play with Vera and cares enough to do so-- then play with Vera. If Lana doesn't like Mark, then rebuffing his 'advances' should be enough to make him lose interest. And that's all she has to do. She doesn't need to sacrifice any Vera time unless she and her Beau is atatched at the hips-- in which case, if they are truly friends, then a bit if time shouldn't change that friendship.
I was in a similar situation and decided to tell the ... well girlfriend. I regret it terribly. I ruined a friendship with both my 'mark' and my 'vera' all because I was too self righteous to just be the better person and remove myself from the situation-- and thus remove the temptation.
I wouldn't tell her... and if she and he don't work out despite it, then you won't have the guilt of thinking it was your fault. Or better yet-- if they do work out, then you won't have the guilt of assuming you were more important to him that Vera was.
Lana needs to talk to Mark first. She should ask him if he wants to spend the rest of his life with Vera. If he honestly does, don't tell her. If he says something like "Well yes, but not if I could have you instead" or "Only if nothing better comes along", tell her. If he says no, tell her.
I agree with DenimPants in that Lana should remove herself from the situation. She should tell Lana that she would love to hang out with her without Mark around.
I would say she should talk to they guy first and let him know that she is planning on talking to her friend about this if it doesn't stop because she cares for her friend. Granted she may loose her friend because normally the person will pick the person there in a relationship with over a friend especially if she thinks hes the "one". But is he really the one if hes hitting on her friend?
this sort've reminds me of Something Borrowed. i think she should tell. it's bound to come out later anyway. Mark hasn't made a move on Lana yet, but that doesn't mean he won't, and you can't guarantee his relationship with Vera won't go downhill when he's feeling something for Lana. should Vera get mad at Lana and accuse her of wanting attention, in addition to choosing Mark over their friendship, then so be it. at least she did her part of being a friend and not feeling guilty of holding anything back from her, whereas Vera, depending on her decision, so much for the "good friends" statement.
Lana should tell Vera the truth and save her from future trouble. At this point her friend's happiness is important...i think she shouldnt be bothered if Vera stops talking to her. If she stops talkling to Lana on because she is honest with Vera then i wudnt know what kind of a friend she was.. obviously there will be a little awkwardness after confessing all this but you should feel like a super hero for saving someone from making a lofe long mistake...
I wouldn't say anything just yet. Wait it out a bit, and if the situation doesn't get better, then she owes it to Vera to tell her the truth.
She should tell. Tell her one time and let Vera make the dicision. Also my mom's name is Vera, so that's cool :)
I honestly wouldnt say anything. I would just ignore that guy and be friends with my friend. If hes getting drunk, stay sober or tipsy and just not be around him alone. Dont look at him. Tell him that you dont care about his feelings at all. Tell him to go somewhere else with that bullshit. I have been in this situation and you know what? Eventually he stopped talking to me and his feelings went away. 3 years later, they are still together and happy. Sometimes you stray in your relationship because you are having problems with your partner but that can be fixed. Just ruining a situation that a person really cares about isnt a good idea. IMO
Tell. Apartment hunting shouldn't even be an issue. I'd live in my damn car.
Tell..give her this blog. Wouldn't you want to know if your live-in boyfriend was doing this?