Monday, 06 June 2011
-
When Fate Fails Us
Conversing with our exes can be a tricky thing. It gets even harder when one of you is still hung up and the other isn't. It gets harder still when you're both hung up and the relationship just can't happen. I'm currently in that third category wondering how in the world I wound up here. I think a lot of people break up when someone hurts their SO, but what happens in the rare cases where all of a sudden it just stops working?
What happens when something, a job, a higher education, a study abroad trip, etc., gets in the way? How do you just call it quits when you're both still very much in love?
People always say "well, if it's meant to be, it'll be." Personally, I think that's absolute crap. If it's meant to be, then why isn't it... well, being? If a relationship can even possibly be "meant to be," then how do we explain the barriers that make said relationships impossible?
So, I'm starting to wonder: is there a such thing as fate in love? I used to think maybe there was, but as I got older I thought that maybe those theories were a bit too naïve. When two people are so in love, but it just isn't working out, there's not really much to be done. The grieving process is ten times more difficult than the grieving process for a typical break up when neither one of us wants to move on. So, the text messages continue post-break up almost as regularly as they did during the relationship. Only now, the texts read "so I guess that's it," "is there anything I can do to keep you," and one too many "I'm sorry this has to end."
Macy Gray's "I Try" and John Mayer's "In Your Atmosphere" seem to just keep playing in my head over and over.
"I try to say goodbye and I choke." "Wherever you are, I watch that pretty life play out in pictures from afar."
Where do we go from here? When you date someone for several years, how do you just stop one day?
Technology is definitely not on my side here. Text messages and e-mails and Facebook news feeds make a break up nearly impossible. How do you move on when you can literally watch your ex-SO's life play out from afar?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 20. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 82 Views: 0 280949 Comments: 0 2595 View all posts by TheDailyDane
Comments (23)
There's no such thing as fat, period. Love, like anything else in life, takes effort, work and commitment. People that use the cop out "if it's meant to be" are people comforting themselves for their own failed relationships.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - "There's no such thing as fat, period."
You just made hundreds of xangan girls wish this were the case.
well your answer: as long as you're keeping in touch or looking up what they're doing online...never. You're never going to completely get over a significant love you shared with someone, but until you block yourself from any and all contact (at least until you are over it) you're not going to get over it.
I had something like that happen to me but on a much shorter time period level, and it was gut aching. It took a lot of tears, journal entries, and alcholic beverages and random make out partners to get over it...and that wasn't even a year relationship. You have to make yourself move on or you're going to just end up living in the past :(
as far as meant to be...think of it like this. maybe it's not meant to be right now, but maybe in the future it will...who knows? (that's the romantic side coming out, sorry). but seriously...it's going to hurt but drop contact with them. how is your heart going to heal with a constant reminder of what it doesn't have anymore but still wants?
I feel your pain. My most significant relationship "had" to end because he had to move. We mutually agreed that our lives were going in seperate directions and it wasn't going to work out in the time being. We didn't really have closure and still have cute texts messages more often than not. It's been over 2 years now. My advice? "time heals everything." That's all I can say. It certainly still hasn't been enough time for me to be over it, though. It's just much easier now to accept. As for the facebook, just stop looking. It really helps. I have the philosophy of "I don't want to know."
I don't believe in fate. Either things work out or they don't. That
being said I was in a situation similar to yours a year ago, things just
weren't working out between my ex and I so we broke up. We had dated
for almost 4 years and were both very much in love (or so I thought), so
we continued speaking and hooking up until he cut that off. With time I
came to realize that it wasn't that both of us still loved each other,
and that his love had waned quite a bit. That's why he suddenly wasn't
willing to make it work out anymore.
Maybe I'm being a pessimist, but when it's the case that two people call
it quits because of external factors, it is also usually the case that
one person isn't willing to make it work anymore either. Relationships
are never easy, and numerous people make LDR's, inter-racial
relationships, etc work out. I can't say yours falls under that
category, but that's just my two-cents. If you really want to move on,
cut off ties and give yourself space so you can evaluate the situation
from clearer eyes. I also agree with the above comment, stay away from
their Facebook.
@JaydenWolf@xanga - *sigh* Fucking typos.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - heh, sorry.. had to after reading one thinspo post after another...
i agree with the first comment that a relationship takes work. if you want it, you have to work hard for it. sounds like the job/higher education/study abroad trip is a bit of an excuse. it may certainly be hard to make things work over distance, but that is a choice you two must willingly make, and if you truly love each other, you will both do so. if you don't, the truth is just more bitter than you're willing to admit. as for moving on, you can't do so if you continue to watch the other from afar.
@JaydenWolf@xanga - LOL! so true.
No such thing as fate, and no reason to have so much drama after a relationship is over.
That's just keeping you from moving on.delete them from all of your contact lists. out of sight, out of mind. no more drama like that mary j. blige sings
You have completely missed the point of that statement. If it's meant to be, then it will be. That statement isn't a statement tell you that it WILL be, it's saying that IF it's meant to be THEN it will be. But if it's not to be then it won't. And no relationship is THAT easy. Every relationship takes work. If you think it's not working then it's not working. But, if you think you're just going through a rough patch, then you're just going through a rough patch.
* OMGEE IT'S PARENT'S TRAP! *
@JaydenWolf@xanga - LMFAO
@JaydenWolf@xanga - HOLY CRAP LMFAO!!!
Idk how people handle it, my friend and his gf of like...four years, are breaking up because she's studying abroad for a year. Sucks, don't know how I would handle it :/
I'm in a long term long distance relationship with my current bf. He can't get work close to me, and I want to finish my degree before joining him. We're in different countries. And I believe this is true love...
...why would someone break up just because of a little distance? If we could do it and know that we have to hold on for more than another year before we could be together every day, why wouldn't people be okay with a bit of a distance for a small time?
I don't believe in fate at all, particularly in love. Love and commitment are lots and lots of work and effort, put in because the person brings that much value to your life. If it is a good relationship, and you're really in love, then why should higher education or travel get in your way? Long distance relationships are tough, no doubt, but they can be done, and in those cases, technology is your friend. My husband and I had an entire courtship long distance, and a good part of our marriage as well, when he was deployed. It can be done.
Two things you need though- A solid commitment and understanding about what the relationship is to each of you, and a plan and intent to end the time apart as soon as is reasonable.
Fate really has nothing to do with it, if it even exists. I believe that there is a "plan" for every life, but we have the ability to change that at any time. My boyfriend is moving 9 hours away, and I'm not about to sit back and watch "fate" happen. If I don't want to be away from him, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that I'm not. If we have to be in a long distance relationship, then I'm going to work hard at it and hopefully so will he. If we truly want to be together, we will be.
I think when you say goodbye to a person, you have to sever the ties between you two. Otherwise, it really doesn't feel like your relationship has really ended and you use all these other things as a crutch that won't allow you to really get over it and move on. Making it more official. Say goodbye, and discuss what that all entails--no contact via phone, e-mail, text, or Facebook. When the wounds have healed, then you can be friends again. If you don't do this, you're hurting yourself and the other person.
I think when ppl start using "fate" or "if it'll be, it'll be" it makes you feel bloody helpless against all external things that are NOT in your control (but then, what is these days?!). I personally also think it's crap. What will work itself out; whatever distance and whatever issues you were having, will suddenly melt away because "Fate" stepped in to save the day?!
NO! If you and your significant person REALLY REALLY want to keep putting in the EFFORT from start, without getting lazy or wishing it was easier, or is distracted with someone LIKE you but is IN their location/environment, or got used to being SINGLE... then you can keep it going. Yes, it's hard; what isn't hard? But people with little to no common SPEAKING language can fall in love and get married, fight about EVERY nonsensical that each partner says in a language they are NOT certain about its meaning... they don't say "hey, you learn some English or ____ so we can speak, then let's get back together" they just plug it through... that's not FATE. That's EFFORT. Same goes for you too. :) But if there is a chance, a moment when the other parnter is too tired to keep struggling with the ongoing "plugging away" with effort and energy, then it ends.
NOTHING to do with Fate. All to do with input and output of one's DESIRE to do the SAME thing as the other.
i love this post. i absolutely agree with the whole "if its meant to be." when i broke up with my ex of over a year, people would say that to me and i would just think "is that suppose to make me feel better?" i just think people like to think that eveything falls into their places and idk if i even really believe in fate because i believe it is more free will guiding us in life. we make choices and those guide our lives.
Just keep on moving and live your life.