Sunday, 05 June 2011
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Hi, it's nice to meet you. Let's have sex.
I had talked to an acquaintance of mine on a couple of occasions. For the sake of this anecdote, let’s call him “Carl”. Although Carl was fairly attractive, I could tell he wasn’t my type personality-wise. From the few times we had spoken, I found out that he was very much a social outlier in his views on life in general, but he was especially so when it came to matters of the heart. Well, one day, he asked me out. I did not think he and I would be compatible, but I also did think it was a bit rash to say no without at least hearing him out.So, in the spirit of being open-minded, I asked him what his idea of a good date was. I should’ve just gone with my initial instinct and bowed out because his answer was as followed: “A good date would be one where we’d have dinner, a little wine, maybe a little flirting, some hand-holding and then we’d take the train back to my apartment for_____“ Well, I’m sure you can fill in the [explicit] blank. WHAT? Did I miss something?! Did he really think we’d go from practically strangers to bed buddies in like 30 seconds.
OH.HELL.NO. I waited for a chuckle or any sign that he was kidding. But no chuckle was heard. He was serious! Essentially, he was saying he EXPECTED to have sex on the first date. Granted, I had known from before that he was not the conservative type, I did not expect him to be that open or forward. I will let you that I am not one to make a scene or yell, so although on the inside I was thinking: "this man-whore must be as clueless as a bag of beans if he thinks that’s gonna fly with me!,” on the outside, I kept a cool exterior. Being the rather reflective (or curious) person I am, I decided to ask him why, besides the obvious, he viewed getting intimate as a typical component of what he would deem a “good” date?
Carl went on to explain that in dating any given person, sex was a likely occurrence, so why delay it? He said he saw no need in pretending that he did not want to sleep with someone (or in this case, me) on a first date. He believed that society was the main thing that barred people, specifically women, from more openly and more frequently taking part in early-on sexual relations because it attached a stigma or ‘bad label’ to those who choose to do so. Carl was adamant in claiming that he personally NEVER viewed a girl who slept with him on the first date with less respect or as being less ‘girlfriend-material’ than a girl who chooses to wait.
However, the piece de resistance of this theory was when Carl stated that he ultimately believed that in order to find out if he was truly and completely compatible with a person, he needed to experience and get to know them on all levels—emotional, mental, and physical—and the sooner the better . He said that he had come to this conclusion after being in or witnessing too many situations in which two people develop an emotional bond over time, but when they finally decide to consummate their relationship, they find out that they are not attuned in that aspect and this ended up causing strife and sometimes an end to the relationship.
Even prior to knowing Carl, I have heard similar musings from others, but, to be honest, for the most part, I always kind of thought of it as a pseudo-philosophical ploy used to get people to jump into bed ASAP. Surprisingly though, for some unknown reason, I got the feeling that Carl was actually serious about believing this notion and the reasoning behind it (But, I’m sure he gladly welcomed the ‘instant gratification’ that was associated with his way of thinking as well!). Despite the fact that I believed him, does that mean I was personally buying it? Not a chance.
My question to you then is: do you think there is any validity to his argument? Are there those of you who actually believe in and/or support such a theory?
P.S. For those of you wondering, after said conversation, I promptly declined his offer for a date….and then I spent a good portion of the rest of night thinking about where my dating life had gone oh-so-wrong!
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Comments (88)
on the first date? that's a little too soon to start having sex in a relationship. if he wants sex on the first date he's not really interested in you he just wants to get in your pants! i think love should always come first then sex should fall behind, it doesn't really work so much the other way around!
No. Do not support his theory.
Actually what he said was the truth. Anyone that disagrees with it, is full of it.
Be happy that he was honest with you instead of manipulative!
Actually he has a point don't you think? I mean sex on the first date, yes, way too soon in my opinion, and I don't think so because of the stigma that it carries with it, it's because I need to trust a guy before letting him touch me and that can take time. But his point of knowing whether you're compatible with someone on all levels, yeah I agree with that, it is better to know.
@testyman666@xanga - <--he's got a point
you were right on your first instinct, and it's cool that you were both adults about it and being completely straight forward. Carl's got a point in his theory, but that doesn't mean everyone believes it. Props to you for hearing him out and politely declining, and kudos to him for being completely straight up. granted, he's a slight pig for expecting sex on a first date but he DID come clean and explain himself.. so you can't do anything but respect THAT aspect. even though his expectations are to get laid asap, it's hard to find a guy that's upfront about it instead of being manipulative and whatnot.
It may work for some people, but it's not my style.
It's really hard for me to imagine two people genuinely having great emotional and social chemistry but having awful physical chemistry, and perpetuating that awfulness over time. If the relationship is truly solid, then both parties will work together to make the sex mindblowing, or at least much better.
Conversely, if any relationship ends because the sex is bad, obviously there were deeper problems than just a lack of skill in the sack. If anything, having sex too early can fool two people with great physical chemistry but so-so emotional chemistry into thinking they really love each other, which is not a good thing.
I think a first date is a little soon. But my boyfriend and I started having sex after the first month, and while thats "too early" for many girls, I felt genuinely comfortable with him and it was wonderful. It depends on the situation - but having it too early or waiting too long can definately hurt in the long run. He did have a point.
M
He has a valid point. I can respect that. Though I wouldn't date him. I'd feel under pressure to have sex.
I think if it happens naturally.... okay. But for it to be expected and put out there... awkward. Lol.
I never heard of anyone who had a strong emotional relationship who thereafter failed to have a good sexual relationship.
If you want advice for your dating life (which may or may not apply, since I don't know you): accept that guys want to have sex, then just enjoy your time with them. You don't HAVE to have sex with them until later. Find other ways to make them happy besides sex (like making them laugh....if they are happy to be with you, they will like you).
I don't know. I don't think I would do it on the first date. Everyone I've slept with has been someone who I've known for a while. My ex and I waited 2 months before we had sex.
I mean, if his arguement was valid, how do you explain the millions of people who wait 'til marriage to have sex? I know that's more uncommon nowadays, but those people still exist. Don't you think you'd hear of people who waited 'til marriage breaking up because their sex lives sucked?
I'm sorry but, sex isn't really that complicated. Most people can learn how to please the other if they don't already know how. All you have to do is speak up. And it's a proven fact that the longer you're with someone, the more your libidos sort of match up and fall into place.
Sex is certainly not even close to a defining factor on what makes a good relationship.
@MasqueradeOfDreams@xanga - @omgroxie@xanga - @ShirleyD@xanga - @HeLLo_Bianca@xanga - @sonnigenmai@xanga - @AverageBadass92@xanga - all ya are guilty so SHUUUUUUUUUUUT UP! FREAKKKKKKKKS
@kingsaul@xanga - Guilty of what, exactly?
mm not first.. maybe third. haha
While sex is important, it is not thee most important part of a relationship! Good you said "No." It's painfully obvious that he values sex first and person as an afterthought. I'm sure he makes a good sex toy, but that would be about it. You can do better.
I've always said that I'd rather people who are looking for sex be initially honest instead of lying to you about how much they care so you lay down and spread your legs. Sorry if that's worded a bit oddly.
But yeah, I like his honesty. I'm not a big fan of casual sex or having sex that early though, because I worry about the risks... but to each their own
@omgroxie@xanga - its a matter of you doing it mentaly or physicaly! so whats the difference.. you think about it minus well do it if your single right??? i mean......... you didnt even get mad when i called you a freak lol............ but at the end of the day i really dont see the diff between doing it weeks or days or months later and doing it on the first day! i think its jus a matter on HOW you approach it sumwhat.................... even though its all WRONG nyways lol JUS SAYING! I just think all ya females are lying!
females always wanna diss us regular guys.. but ya fantasize about celbs and ect and would prob have sex on the fist day with one of them..........
what makes a female wanna have sex with me months later vs the first day! if she was willing the whole time nyways....
ya females be tripping ya be wanting to give it up but ya dont wanna look like hoes
@kingsaul@xanga - Guilty of what?
@kingsaul@xanga - If you date females with the same IQ as you, I can see why they give it up right away.
The way i look at it is like this!
woman/females always give it up from the get go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then once yall (they) get deeeeeeeeeeeeep down in the relationship down the road ya start being all PICKKKKKKKY and STINGEEEEEEEEEEEEEY about the p*ssy.............. so id rather wax and tax from the get go! if the relationship gone work then its gone work reguardless................ but YA FEMALES WALK AROUND LIKE EYE CANDY! PUTTING ON BOOTY SHORTS TRYING TO LOOK SEXXY SHOWING OFF UR BOOBS and GET MAD WHEN A NIGGA WANNA HIT!..........
mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn....................... ya sum classic 1950's FREAKS
@omgroxie@xanga - lol ohhhhhhhhh what ever! if we met up right now.. you would be all over me!
@MasqueradeOfDreams@xanga - so what if you trust a guy on the first date or day? then he can put you to sleep and slap you around with the cock?
@kingsaul@xanga - What makes you think that? Just your ridiculous arrogance or am I giving off some sort of attraction or lust for you right now? Because I don't see it.
Come on, Carl. Get it right. Wait til the second date. Tsk tsk
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@omgroxie@xanga - pshhhhhhh look at your profile (read about me part) i mean that explains it all alone* then look at me why wouldnt you.......... im a fly dude...... you dream about niggas like me....but guess what it will never happpppppppppppppen FREAKKKKK