Saturday, 04 June 2011
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Once an Ultimatum, Always an Ultimatum
Ultimatums. I don't really understand them a lot of the time. When one poses some sort of compromise, their counterpart can easily claim it as an ultimatum. Here's what I mean:
Ted and his girlfriend have been dating for a few years. She cheated on him about a year ago and he nearly walked out the door. Sometimes, I think he should have. Now, this may seem harsh, but I have my reasons for feeling this way. I don't think "once a cheater, always a cheater" or that her kissing some guy and having a moment or two of misjudgment should mean that they end their multi-year relationship. But, she treated him poorly even after she told him she cheated. He was angry and hurt and she made him feel as though it was somehow his misunderstanding or that he had somehow forced her into the arms of another man. She brushed him off and he moped around like a wounded cat.
Then, much to his friends' dismay, he took her back. She hardly had to beg. Things have been going semi-smoothly for them since. Until now. She tells him last minute that she's probably going to take the same summer job she had a year ago. This summer job meant she was hardly around and it was one of the main causes of all of Ted's grief last summer. Is it even remotely okay to ask him to go through it again? Does this make her selfish?
He took her back after she cheated. He gave everything he could into maintaining their relationship and he did it happily because she is the woman he loves. But a year's worth of reconciliation for what? To be put through it all again?
If she thinks that what she is doing is best for her, then she should go ahead. For Ted, that means he has a decision to make. If she's going to take the job and do what's right for herself, does she have the right to ask him to wait around? Ted has given her second chances before. There's no such phrase as a third or fourth chance for a reason. At a certain point, the relationship either works or it doesn't and the leniency has to stop.
Ted should do what's right for him, whatever that may be. If he's willing to spend another summer miserable, then he should do it. If he would prefer to break up with her if she takes this job, shouldn't he be allowed to do so without having to feel like he's given her an ultimatum? If he tells her that she can make whatever decision she wants and he chooses not to antagonize her, he's not being controlling. He's choosing to live his life.
Is Ted portrayed as a controlling boyfriend if he says he can't be with her after this? Is it right to ask him to suck it up for another year? At what point does Ted get to make a decision regarding his own well-being?
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 20. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (11)
I agree with you 100%. At the end of the day, Ted should be worried about his sanity, not his girlfriend's.
She needs to honor him and love him. Undoubtedly, she's in the wrong. I would totally drop her if I were him.
even if she has a summer job and can't hang out often, then she can't possibly spare an hour a day or 30 mins? to talk to her bf to maintain the relationship? I think if the person seriously matters to you, you'll make time for the person no matter what. I don't think he is controlling, just being a realist that it might not work because he loves her, but she keeps taking him for granted and he deserves better.
I think that Ted has no right to demand that his girlfriend stay. But at the same time the girlfriend has no right to demand that the relationship doesn't end.
I think it's best that Ted talk with his girlfriend. If she is not going to be around, and it is going to be a huge problem, then maybe it is best that the relationship end- especially if she's hurt him before and doesn't seem to care.
In my own life, I once had a boyfriend that hurt me very badly- he didn't cheat, so it's not quite the same. I decided to stay with him, but I had a talk with him first. I let him know that he broke my trust, and as a result, our relationship was going to be a lot more work than it had been before. I wouldn't trust him as much. I would ask him more where he was and what he was doing. I would expect complete honesty from him in all things, and that if I found dishonesty I could not continue the relationship. I asked him if he would be willing to go through all of that, and to put a lot more effort into "us" than he ever did before. He said he understood and that he loved me too much to let me go. He was wiling to do anything to stay. If he had not been so remorseful and genuine, I would have left him. If we had been long distance, I would not be able to handle it and I would have broken it off. I need to spend time physically with my boyfriend to be happy. But we are together still, and things are going well. I am trusting him more and more with each day, and I don't think he is going to try to do anything to jeopardize that earned trust any time soon.
i think that we don't know all the details of it. if she's taking the job because she needs it and it's the only one that she can get, then she doesn't really have much of a choice... if she has a lot of other options, then yeah, it's kinda selfish and it isn't unreasonable for him to want to break up so that he doesn't have to suffer a repeat of the past summer.
sometimes ultimatums are necessary. that doesn't make him controlling.
When I read this post I keep thinking why does "Ted" care what we, strangers in cyberspace, care about how he looks, comes across,etc, for making decisions regarding his relationship. Unless "Ted" is writing a screen play and the above scenario needs to be played out in order to gain the maximum third party approval so we go to the theater in droves, I think "Ted" should quite worrying how he comes across and take the reigns of his own life.
There is no reason to believe that this summer will be a replay of last. People change, mature and grow and so do relationships. If he thinks that she is going to cheat again because she cheated last summer, why is he with her at all? I mean if he really believes that she is a cheater just waiting for her next opportunity....
He either wants to be with her or he doesn't. Either the relationship is worth the emotional effort or it's not. That is NOT something a third party can judge, and he shouldn't be worrying so much about whether or not he's going to sound like a prick to a bunch of people who don't know anything but the bare bones of the story. He needs to live his life.
Maybe they should say goodbye for the summer and if autumn arrives and they are still single and interested try it again.
sounds like Ted needs to ditch the bitch. she's got a history of fucking up and putting him through piles of shit. I understand his position because he loves her but sometimes you just gotta go with logic over love. seems like Ted has been swallowing his feelings and thoughts and it's gotten him walked on. idk, to me it seems like his girlfriend walks all over him because she can. she doesn't seem to appreciate him. there's nothing worse than loving someone more than they love you--and they know it. Ted needs to take advantage of her summer job and they need to go on a break. so she can focus on her life and her "great opportunity" of a job, and Ted needs to find himself and see if he actually does want to get back with her. I think she's being insanely inconsiderate and selfish. If you love someone, you would be willing to give up everything for them. but if they loved you back, they'd never ask you to. Ted seems to be the only one making sacrifices
Because of her track record...it doesn't make him controlling to ask her that she not go.
I don't understand what the summer job has to do with making him miserable... Unless he's clingy or that's when she cheated on him, of course. The fact of the matter is, if Ted is not secure enough to let this girl go for a few months because he thinks she's going to run rampant and hurt him again, then he should end the relationship.
I think Ted has portrayed enough moments of a "Push Over" boyfriend with his gf and she knows that he IS needy without her; why did he take her back for what? did he love her that much to lose his sanity and peace of mind??, and even if she decides to cheat on him during this summer job AGAIN, she doesn't really have to apologize, just brush his hurt off like she's doing a favor of even listening to his side of injustice, and she'll be "nice" for a while until Summer comes rolling in again.
I've known many a guys like Ted. They all get very "wounded cat" like with their girflriends they love oh so dearly. But I have said this to my guy friends who behave VERY closely to Ted and not because I want a snotty little girl tear him a new one but because Ted needs to hear it:
If Ted treats her with respect that she clearly lost when she did not appreciate his forgiveness and acted like a proud slut, then he needs to let her know that she has lost his respect and if she wants to be with him in this relationship, she needs to earn it back. That does not mean, immerse herself into an environment which gave her an excuse to kiss another guy because she was bored or just because. Rather than demanding that she stays; which will inevitably give her MORE power to act like she's holding his balls, he should just ask her DIRECT questions such as these: "with no bullshit, do you respect me? Do you want to be with me? Am I a joke to you? Do you think I work to be your door mat? Do you want me to treat you with with lack of respect and/or love as you make me feel when you treat me badly? Was it ME that cheated on you and lost your trust?" And have a CONVERSATION. If she starts getting defensive, whiney and/or crying because she's trying to make him feel like it's HIS fault that she treated (WHAT KIND OF MIND F*CKING IS THAT?), then you tell Ted that she no longer cares for him as a man but as a door mat. IF he wants to continue dating someone who treats HIM like a door mat to brush off whatever crap they have stepped on, then he should not be MISERABLE about his decision. He should be hAPPY that she isn't back pregnant and she still wants to rub her grubby shoes on his face.
IF he feels that he is NOT a door mat and he should be with someone who will at least TRUST, LOVE and treat him with RESPECT of another human being, then he shouldn't give her a choice, JUST BREAK UP and ESCAPE from this MIND F*CKING HELL!