Saturday, 04 June 2011
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Meeting Mommy Dearest
I've only been in a few serious relationships that have lasted a decent amount of time. The common factor in each one was that their moms loved me (and still probably do even post-break up). I've had this uncanny ability to win mom's hearts within the first time meeting them. What can I say? I'm a charmer.My problem involves the current guy I'm seeing. We aren't "official" (whatever that means these days), We go out on dates and act all cute but we've both decided that right now neither of us is ready for a full fledged relationship; we're going to see if what we have leads there.
Like most girls I have a mental checklist of things I look for in a guy and things that would be a deal breaker for me. So far he's pretty much passed everything except one. I haven't met his mother yet neither do I feel is appropriate for the stage we're in. To me, meeting family is a big deal and I won't introduce you to mine until we're in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage and know that this isn't a fleeting thing. I expect the same. However, from the stories he's told me about her, I don't know if I want to!
He's from a traditional Dominican family and I happen to be half Puerto Rican. Strike one. Historically, Puerto Ricans and Dominicans do not like each other. For example, my dad strongly dislikes Dominican men and has warned me on more than one occasion to not date them. My man's mom and grandmother feel the same way about Puerto Rican women. Sheesh, I'm just going to tell them I'm just Italian (my other half) and they won't know the difference until they see my last name.
The other thing that really bothers me about the situation is that apparently his mom is very judgmental. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure if I had a son I would be very protective as well BUT when my guy tells me to not get my new tattoo right below my collar bone because "what if my mom sees it one day," THAT'S a problem. I have three tattoos (one on the back of my neck, one on my hip, and the infamous below the collarbone one) and I don't think there is anything wrong with them.
I completely respect people's opinions who would never mark their bodies but in return I expect the same respect. All of my tattoos are extremely meaningful to me and to have a guy I care about and have invested feelings into tell me that maybe I shouldn't get it in a certain place because his MOM might see it? Umm, no. Not ok. His excuse is that she would give him a lot of crap for it. God forbid.
Family is really important to me so my family accepting and liking the person I decide to be with is important as is their family liking me. I haven't met his mom yet but needless to say I'm extremely nervous. Though it has yet to happen to me, I feel like knowing the type of person I am, a family who doesn't like me would be a deal breaker. In my mind I know I wouldn't want in-laws I don't get along with and who I wouldn't feel comfortable going to with a problem.
Regardless, like I said, we aren't even on that page yet so we will see what happens. He has consoled me time and time again telling me that his mom would love me yadda yadda yadda, but I'm going to have to see it to believe it. Bring on monster; hopefully my weapon of charm will work.
Have you ever had your significant other's parents dislike you or have a problem with you?
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- From: lexology@lovelyish
- Name: Alexis
- About Me: I'm a rising Senior at Cornell University. I'm an English major who LOVES to write. Spoken word is a big hobby and I love performing. My interests are as random as my personality and I love everything from what's on the runway to problems in third world countries. Like any other 21 year old, I love shopping, music, friends, bar hopping, fashion, magazines, poetry, coffee shops, cute boys, etc. Follow me on Twitter @Wild3_Thing
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Comments (14)
I dunno, my boyfriend's parents are also kind of judge-y about looks... Like, boyfriend asked me to not dye my hair crazy colors or you know, visible piercings that aren't the ears. I'm not super passionate about these things, so I don't really care, like, it'd be cool but whatever. I understand why and don't blame him very much, though. Maybe just meet his mom and get her to like you, THEN do fun stuff you want.
Yep. because i am ebony.
Whether family accepts me or vice versa isn't that important to me. I'm too used to everyone having a screwed up family that can't really point fingers because they're not much better. Plus my current boyfriend and I are adults and we will date who we want to date. If family doesn't like it, tough shit. My parents don't like my boyfriend and my boyfriend's mom teetering between being nice to me and clearly not liking me. She acts all super nice and goofy at first but then that starts to peel away after a time and you start to see this manipulative, mentally ill woman.
It's really a shame that some people are weird about what your nationality is. Thankfully I've never had to deal with that but I can imagine it's just one of those things that if you really want to be with the person then the family is just gonna have to push those irrational feelings aside. Might as well just meet her when the time is right and hope for the best.
My boyfriend's mom loves me, but I don't always love her. She has terrible mood swings and can be kind of cruel to her children every now and again. I have a strong suspicion that she's bipolar and refuses to get diagnosed and put on meds for it. But I'm not a psychologist and that's not the point. The point is, if something is important to someone you care about, then it is important to you. I make it a priority to get along as best as I can with his mother. On her good days, she's wonderful. On her bad days, I try to avoid her. It's important to my boyfriend that his mom likes me because he's very close with her. He tells me I am the first girlfriend he's had that his mom actually likes. I'm taking that as a good sign.
At the very least, give it a chance. Do all that you can to be polite. She's been in his life a lot longer than you have, and depending on how close he is with her, when it comes down to it he's going to at the minimum listen to his mother and take her thoughts into consideration. That can be either a death blow or the saving grace. Just try to make sure that if there is an issue, that you don't make it worse.
I hope things work out for you!
One of my exes hadn't come out to his parents yet, but he said that he couldn't tell them that he was gay and dating a black man at the same time.
If the guy is thinking of his mom before he is thinking of you, you might not want to get too serious with him.
My Husband has the Jealous mom who starves for attention... Those types charm don't work with...
His parents are also Honduran and think their culture is the only good one but when I mention if so why are you here in America if it's so terrible and you love your country?
They don't like me because I am Chicana and don't speak spanish... They don't like that I don't say i'm Mexican and I say that I am an American Chicana.
They are pretty racist people and have attention issues. charm does not work on hateful people.
I have also been loved by other boyfriends families and mothers.
All that matters to me though is that my partner stands by me and doesn't put them before me. Plus his Grandma loves me and knows I'm a good person and she is the one who raised him.. not his parents... It kills his mom when his Grandma comes to the states and wants me to be around... Which is sad because I don't act like a brat and try and steal her "shine." She just makes nothing into a competition for no reason.
Mine love me. But... I didn't have the best first impression, I slept over by surprise the night that we met.
I've never had issues with meeting the parents. I was definitely more worried about "meeting" the parents of my current boyfrien/future husband. The reason I have meeting in quotations is because I had already met them on one occasion because we all go to the same church, but I didn't really know who they were when we first met. But the reason I was more nervous about this one is because I was really serious about him (still am) so if his parents didn't like me, I don't know what I would have done (he really respects and thinks about everything his parents have to say). But they like me. I actually just spent the whole day with his mom. We were watching our friends' two daughters for the day.
I hope it all works out for you!
My ex's family disliked me. Mainly his mom. But she dislikes everyone, so I never took it personally. My ex didn't even get along with her. lol I didn't think she could be as bad as he described before we met, until I met her and realized she's actually worse. I still hated that though. He got along great with my family and I wished I could've had the same (i.e. good!) relationship with his family, but it never happened. That had nothing to do with our split, but it was one of the many things I felt was lacking from our relationship.
Now, I'm with someone who absolutely loves his family and would do anything for them. I love that about him. But it also worries me because I haven't met any of them yet, and I know it will be a big deal if/when I do. I've always pictured having a good relationship with my future partner's siblings and parents, so knowing how much he loves them adds pressure to what I've already built up in my head because of my own expectations.My family is also important to me, but mostly they just care that whoever I'm with treats me and my son well. Aside from that, I think they could get along with anyone and grow to accept and love him just like they did with my ex - who was NOT the easiest person to love. My parents still treated him like one of their own children, despite everything he did.
@MommyMarty22@xanga - Yeah, my bf's family is from Honduras and she is starved for attention too. Though she has some awful qualities about her which are bad.
OP:
Yeah, but I've always dated guys with difficult families and difficult mothers. There is nothing to do about it.
@Hinase@xanga - Yeah his entire family isn't like that but his mother and father are pretty nasty hearted people. I feel bad saying it, it feels like I'm gossiping but I'm just telling the truth...
They aren't just this way with me, they are like this with every one, they just do it behind other peoples backs.
@MommyMarty22@xanga - Luckily, my bf's dad is the sweetest person ever. The mom not so much. She constantly puts me, my bf and whoever down, nags at them and treats us bad generally. Not to mention, she is very manipulative among other bad things. I kindly don't speak to her and I don't go anywhere she goes (I live with my bf and due to our own financial reasons, we can't get a place of our own). It's okay. Yeah, that generally how it is. That is how they truly are.