Wednesday, 01 June 2011
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How Soon is "Too Soon"?
How Soon Is Too Soon?It's a beautiful summer night and the man of your dreams has just picked you up for dinner at a beautiful restaurant. You have your usual drive, your usual meal, and your usual conversation. Nothing seems abnormal or too suspicious until he stands up and gets down on one knee. He then looks at you in the eyes and says with a smile on his face, "Will you marry me...?" You reply, "Yess" with tears building in your eyes. The two of you leave the restaurant thinking of your excitement and the planning you'll have to do. This seems pretty typical, right? But what if you only knew this man for about four months?
You meet the person of your dreams, you get to know them, you fall in love, you move in together, you get married, you have kids. However, this "norm" seems to be un-normal to me in today's society. Not only have the order of these events changed, but the time required to go from "Hi nice to meet you" to "I do" has dramatically decreased. You see this trend EVERYWHERE. It's on TV and in magazines when the celebrities we obsess with do it, our friends do it, teens do it.
I've even seen one of my own parents do it which led to a current separation (getting divorced soon, I guess?). Even more personally, I may even be one of the people I'm talking about (my relationship hasn't been going very long BUT he definitely seems like husband material and it definitely seems like it may occur soon).
I'm not saying, "Oh, hell no! You shouldn't marry that guy you met two months ago." I'm just curious to know what has caused this phenomenon. The time span of the actual act of not caring enough to protect yourself from the possibility of becoming pregnant or even planning to become pregnant has dramatically decreased. However, as this rapid rate of marriage, engagement, and babymaking increases, so does something else: divorce rates. Top 10 Countries With The Highest Divorce Rates author Ess posted five reasons why couples get divorced. She claims that: adultery, abuse, lack of communication, economic issues, and boredom are the five main causes.But could the increase in rapidness of engagement and marriage be the key factor for the increase in divorce?
What do you think of people getting engaged and married "too soon"? Have any of you ever married or gotten engaged to anyone within a year of meeting them? Are you still together? Are there children involved?
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About the Author
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- From: meaganbme93@xanga
- About Me: I'm the eighteen year old daughter of four amazing parents (a mom, a stepdad, a dad, and a stepmom) and the oldest sister to six (yes, six) amazing siblings. I'm taken by the most amazing guy I've ever met. I know that sounds "overused" but it's definitely true. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. There's a good chance he'll be the man I spend the rest of my life with. I'm one of those girls who goes out of her way in school and works really hard at everything which is why I've earned enough college credits to enter into college as a sophomore at Virginia Commonwealth University in Fall 2011. I'm majoring in Chemistry in order to become a pharmacist.
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Comments (29)
My parents got married after 6 months. They've been together for over 25 years.
Obviously that won't work for everyone, but man, I'm so sick of people putting time constraints/requirements on relationships. Just let it flow.
@manic_lizard@xanga - I completely agree! [: I've seen on some websites were the recommend a checklist of things that should happen before you even consider marriage. Some things mentioned are "Both see each other cry" and "Been in a huge fight" do you think those make a difference in whether people should decide to move forward into marriage in a relationship?
I agree with manic above. Different strokes for different folks, my wife and I were together for like 5 years before we got married, but that was our choice. Everyone has there own timetable.
@meaganbme93@xanga - I think you should know each other, but that time doesn't mean anything when it comes to really knowing people. I think it's important to be comfortable enough to be able to cry and fight and still be able to move on the next day. But, I'm not sure you actually have to do those things.
My ex got married to his now wife only after knowing her for a total of four months. he knew me longer than that and marriage was not even brought up unless he said he got me pregnant he would have married me which i would have said no to. ridiculous just to get married just because a person has kids with each other. thank God nothing came out of that.
to me, i don't think u know someone really well within 4 months....just look at arnold schwarzenegger who was with his wife for years and he deceived everyone for at least 10 years. i dunno if you'll ever truly know a person, but whatever floats people's boats. i know an early marriage is not in my department.
This is just my personal situation. My husband and I have been together for almost five years. We have three kids and have been married for almost one. I got pregnant with my first child six months after we had been together. I was foolish, and so was he. We were "in love" and thought how great it would be to have a baby. You know how they say...smart people do stupid things...yea that was me. I love my children and my husband, but it's a lot on our plate.
He actually proposed to me after eight months but it took us four years to get married. That was on my part. I wanted to make sure he was the one I wanted to potentially be with for the rest of my life. We had many problems, but we always seemed to solve them. And if in the future things turn sour and we end up getting a divorce, I would hope it would be a last step and that everything I could do to save the marriage I did.
I think a main problem is that we get married so young and over the years people grow up and change. And sometimes we change into people who are no longer compatible with each other.
Like others have said, there is no right amount of time to be together before marriage. Everyone has their own timetable, but there is a possibility that you could be rushing things. Maybe she's ready, and you're not or vice versa. You should never rush a marriage under any circumstance. Until you truly feel you are ready, you should make the move.
You're right about modern society mixing up the order. I'm more traditional, so I prefer to follow certain steps before starting a family.
Every relationship is different. I don't think there should be a time limit for dating, getting engaged and then getting married. That's just dumb to me. If you meet someone and fall in love in a few months, and get married shortly thereafter, good for you. if you want to date for 10 years, good for you. Do whatever is right for YOUR relationship.
I don't think divorce is always about how soon you get married. I just think there are a lot of adjustments. Years go by, kids come, etc., and it's an adjustment. People change and grow and sometimes people just grow apart, for whatever reason.
Why is moving in together on that list before marriage? If you believe in marriage and want to get married, I think you should wait until you are married to live together.
Please don't misunderstand me- I'm not talking about the wedding. Some people, for valid reasons, choose not to ever have the ceremony- perhaps they don't think that the government should be involved in marriage, for example, and that's fine. What I mean is, why would you live with someone before you make the lifetime commitment? That *might* be a contributing factor to divorce rates, considering that the percentage of divorces is much higher in couples who cohabited before marriage (or other commitment).
I wouldn't feel comfortable getting engaged for a year or two after starting a relationship, if not more. Each to their own though.
People are different, couples are different...as long as they don't feel like they are moving too fast...that's where problems occur. But if it all feels natural then why not?
I think the divorce rate is due to the reasons people are getting married. A lot of young girls see all these wedding shows and movies, and want that, so they get married for a wedding. Some women get pregnant, and decide that getting married is the best thing to do, even if they aren't really right for that man or aren't ready. Some couples want to play house. Moving in together is so common now - it wasn't during our parents' generation. I think a lot of couples move in together to test-drive their relationship, but they don't realize they are basically pretending to be married. Marriage is just not taken as seriously now.
There are times when I really want to get married, and there are other times that I think "What's the rush? If I'm with him now, and I am going to be with him for the rest of my life, what's the rush?". It's better to make sure you are ready for marriage - because it is a huge deal and commitment. Most people just jump into it for the wrong reasons.
my father proposed to my mother on thier 3rd date.
they've been together for 28 years. there's no such thing as "too soon" if you are willing to put 100% of your effort into building and maintainng a good relationship. the problem comes from people that are so excited about the wedding that they forget about the marriage that will exist afterward. the young men and women in our culture are all about getting something for nothing, and that mindset doesn't work for marraige.
I think people should at least wait until the "honeymoon" phase of their relationship is over before seriously considering marriage - those hormones can really mess up your ability to think rationally! Also, I think people sometimes underestimate how long it takes to really get to know somebody. After 4 years, I am still learning new things about my boyfriend all of the time. I shudder when I think about how little I knew about him after only 4 or 6 months. Unlike a lot of the people here, I do think that there is a thing as "too soon" when it comes to marriage. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule, as evidenced by some of the happy stories above, but I assure you that for every success story there are many more failures. I guess as far as I'm concerned, marriage is a life changing event and should be regarded with caution. I would never marry anybody that I had known for less than 2 years.
I don't know, on one hand all relationships are moving a lot faster, what with teens deciding it's okay to have sex after weeks/ a few months. On the other hand, I think marriage isn't as sacred as it used to be. People are given the option to opt out of a life-long commitment so no one tries anymore. There's no regulation on the number of divorces a person a get, so they don't see marriage as the life long commitment it is, rather just a label. I mean that's just what I think, there's still plenty of life-long happy marriages out there. People either rush into it too fast, or don't take it seriously enough.
@brrraaaiiins@xanga - Great reply to this. I completely agree. We've definitely lost our standards when it comes to lifelong commitments such as marriage and you're definitely right, some people just cannot seem to take things as serious as marriage seriously.
@AuCinema@xanga - I definitely see your side too. Some people definitely do tend to "think" they know somebody, get too involved, and end up realizing that they married their enemy.
@dynamicstars@xanga - It's kind of like that adrenoline rush we get right before the end of the race, then you realize you just finished the first challange of a marathon. People thinking "wedding" and it's allllll excitment until they think "commitment", "communication", and "forever". Great input on the subject.
@KickDrumHeart - Great argument. [: I definitely agree with the idea that people move in together to test drive their relationships. I guess it was less common back then than it is now simply because divorce is not only accepted but sometimes expected by society and because America, as a whole, has stopped caring about unmarried people sleeping together and living together. We've definitely set a different set of morals for our upcoming generations. Just think, the kids we someday give birth to will NEVER believe that at one time tv shows didn't even show a married couple sleeping in the same bed. . .
@Daniella_Aalyiah_Li@xanga - Great response. That's one thing I've really learned that's changed. In previous decades, people have thought things out completely. In my recent times, we tend to follow our hearts and what feels right instead of overthinking the whole "How long should we wait" issue.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - Moving in together isn't an common "after marriage" event anymore. Though some people do follow the more tradition marriage then moving in, most people move right in together first. I think it's more of a relationship test drive of what they may have to put up with the rest of their lives.
Everyone else - We all basically agree that it's heart of mind at this point. For some reason or another, I thought I'd have more responses against marriage without a large amount of time together. I'm glad so many people are accepting of those who wish to do so. And this definitely is helping me on my decision to either tie the knot or focus on something else. Great responses so far overall everyon! [:
@Daniella_Aalyiah_Li@xanga - I concur
OP:
If it makes you feel any better, even before we hit a year (bf and I) we talked of marriage. To us, we both knew we were the ones for ourselves. Of course, we lack money etc; to actually get married but I know in a heart beat if he could, he'd get married me to now. I don't think there is a wrong time, as long as it feels comfortable and as long as it doesn't feel like you're pushing each other. Make sure you really really want this. Obviously, it's different for everyone as well.
I don't really think there is such a thing as too soon. You're going to spend the rest of your life with this person. Why not start now? And the only time you really start to get to know someone is when you've been joined to them in marriage and you spend every day with them. My boyfriend and I wanted to get married shortly after we started dating, but we couldn't because of school.
i think that it isnt neccessary to get married really soon. i myself have had girls want to marry me after dating just a few days, but in each case she ended up leaving me a few weeks after begging me to propose. i want to date at least a year, in part because i have never had a long exciting relationship. at the same time i think that it would be nice to get married soon after reading the above success stories but its not something that i myself want.
This reminds me of my friend, back in high school, that decided to be engaged with her boyfriend after like 3 or 4 months of dating. We totally disagreed her doing, she never listened. They broke up 3 months later because he cheated on her.
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years next month, and we never thought about moving in together until we get married. We're not conservative, but rather find this anticipation exciting :)
My parents HATED each other with a bloody passion after meeting at the pizza diner where they used to work....2 weeks later my dad asked my mom out....2 months later they were engaged....2 more months & they were married. Going on 28 years now =)
My parents dated less than a week and got engaged. They are still married 21 years later. Sometimes you just know. (They were older, by the way.) I do think you need a great deal of life experience especially if you don't know what you want.
I have always had a "wait several years" mentality.... simply because it shows a dedication. Sure, you can get married after 4 months and be together for the rest of your lives, but if you stayed with them for so long before getting married(and in my ideal view, without having sex.), it shows that you REALLY loved them.
Although now I'm bitter on the subject because the one I love got engaged after knowing a guy for a year. And my life will end in 4 months. So I hate it </3
depends on maturity etc. me and my bf have been together for over 4 years now and we're starting to talk about marriage. i mean, in reality its fairly arbitrary, unless you place religious significance on it.