Monday, 30 May 2011
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You Don't Choose Your Lovers
People can't, unhappily, invent their mooring posts, their lovers and their friends, any more than they can invent their parents. Life gives these and also takes them away and the great difficulty is to say Yes to life.
This is yet another (approximate) quote from one of my favorite books (Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin). A good friend of mine was so moved when she read this quote that she got the word "Yes" tattooed on her hip, to remind her to always look for way to accept the absurdities.
Do you believe that we choose our lovers, or does the world choose them for us? Why do people come into and out of our lives? Do we attract what we need to learn about, or is it random? Why is it so difficult, sometimes, to say Yes to life?
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- From: ThatBirdisAbsurd
- About Me: I just moved to New York after studying and living abroad for five years in Canada, Europe and India. One amazing thing about being back in America: knowing EXACTLY how to say what you want to say, RIGHT when you want to say it. English makes dating a lot easier.
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Comments (22)
we can choose, but certain circumstances put us with or without certain ppl, some of which may include lovers.
It's random who we come in contact with but we choose who we stay in contact with.
The science of it proves we don't really choose who we fall in love with.
I think it's a little of both. It's almost like we subconsciously know who conncets with us the most but the universe helps us to be led to them. Then again that doesn't always mean life will work that way. I believe most happily married people end up with the person that can most closely resemble the "perfect" person for them. I think it's rare as fuck if you end up with your perfect person. For all you know the person that connects with your soul the most is a family member or a friend. It's not always a lover. There are just too many people in the world and it's impossible to know them all and chose correctly. Then again I don't think we would learn much by being with the "perfect" person for us. Relationships are something you want to learn from whether they last or not, in my opinion.
One word.
GOD
I have always believed that we hold our future in our hands but sometimes, events occur that put these beliefs in question.
Um... I'm going to say it's usually "choose." Parent is not equal to lover (eww)
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Dammit, stop saying everything I'm going to say. You're two for two now, lady.
@Kazydai@mancouch - haha Sorry! But uh, stop copying me. hehe GMTA!
I don't see it as we don't chose our lovers like we dont chose our parents. That is so wrong. You 100% can NOT chose who you are born to. But we do have the choice to surround ourselves with different sorts of people who we then may end up having feelings for.
But I dont think thats what this quote is really saying. It actually makes no sense and sounds like the author was just trying to be fancy.
I think we choose our lovers. No one tells you to stay in that bad relationship, you choose to.
I believe you choose your lovers.
Our choice is our illusionary affront against all of the biochemicals and hardware malfunctions we can't otherwise adequately attack. The software of our brains, so to speak, is very well-wired to fight a fight it simply can't win - and that is where choice plays an ultimately role. In the hearts and thoughts of the surrealists, coincidence created a universe of meaningless being, but there was always some solace in the pursuit of desire - some paradoxically human way to be an animal. We cannot desire in a world of coincidence without some semblance of choice. With that, I will always choose my lovers as much as I can delude myself into believing that I have that power.
As for saying "yes" to life - I avoid that at all costs. I'll take two pages of Cyrano de Bergerac over a thousand libraries of that post-Marxist drivel of fatalism. I don't even think my high-esteemed surrealists would say "yes" to life, considering that they needed to capture it with art, which is in itself a form of domination.
You don't choose your parents.
You can choose what kind of people you hang around.
We can't choose who we're sexually attracted to but we can choose our lovers, who we marry, etc. We don't have any control over when they leave us, but we're not completely powerless like that quote implies. People change, life goes on, etc
I believe that God puts his hand into our lives, affecting who we meet. I believe people come into our lives because we have something to learn from them, whether they inspire us because of their positive qualities or because of their negative ones.
I also believe that we choose our lovers, but not to whom we're attracted. Falling in love, though, is a choice. We choose to let the feelings we have for someone grow. We decide to create the setting for falling in love (hanging out with that person, thinking about them, checking out their Facebook, etc.).
We can't choose who we fall in love with.
It's a little bit of both. We choose them and they choose us. And the random nature of life also determines who we meet and the circumstances we meet them under, which can play a big part in determining whether you or that person is given a fair chance (sad, but true).
@lforletty@xanga - Yes, you very much can. People just say that to absolve themselves of any dumb choices they make while infatuated.
@Camouflaged_by_night@xanga - "I also believe that we choose our lovers, but
not to whom we're attracted. Falling in love, though, is a choice. We
choose to let the feelings we have for someone grow. We decide to create
the setting for falling in love (hanging out with that person, thinking
about them, checking out their Facebook, etc.)."
You nailed it. I agree.
I don't think we can choose who we get a crush on, but we can choose whether or not to act on it. I have fallen for several people I knew were totally wrong for me. In one case, I really tried not to feel that way, but I still did. What made it harder is that I knew he was interested in me, too. But he was married, and neither of us wanted to break up his relationship. I had to just accept that the feelings were what they were, but choose to not act on them. Eventually, I met someone more appropriate and fell for him. Unfortunately, though, he doesn't feel the same. :(
Love and sex should both be based on a response between the highest values both parties have to offer. Those who say you can't choose or control who you give your heart to are not only confusing lust with love, but are ultimately saying "no" to life, as they relinquish any control over their own lives to some mystical notion of fate.
@Kazydai@mancouch - Ah I see what you mean, you're right in that context and I agree. The way I meant it though was that certain people you can't force feelings for them and vice versa. Like in the past there were guys I liked who didn't return those feelings or guys who liked me in which I didn't like back. Also, some people you meet you like on the spot whereas some you just don't click with, which works the other way around too.