I had a girlfriend that I really loved. We would talk everyday, flirt everyday, and pretty much be your average cute long distance couple. I would also keep up with my girlfriend's best friend. I didn't really have a clue that I liked her, until I personally found out that she has a certain something that my girlfriend didn't:
the need to simply be herself through and through. Let me try to explain.
You see, this friend (let's call her Z) was more like the type of girl who didn't seem worried about getting a man. At times, Z was ragged and casual with her appearance, she was open with fart jokes and sticking straws up her nose, she never wore makeup, and she was much more of a rational thinker. She was a free spirit and much more mature in personality than G was. What I liked about her was that she seemed like the type of person who I could really have fun with or talk about something completely stupid with. With my girlfriend (let's call her G), I pretty much felt like I was dealing with your average teenage high school cliche. Sorta clingy, very insecure, unaware of how bi...er, mean she can truly be, etc.
G had a clue that I had a crush on her. It's safe to say she was jealous and didn't see the attraction. Despite that, I assured her that I wasn't going to do anything with her as long as we were together. Z was simply going to be our friend. And she definitely was. Whenever we both had problems with each other, we would talk to Z about it. Anytime we wanted to have some at-home fun, I talked to Z and G. It went pretty smoothly.
But just because our relationship went smoothly didn't stop my occasional thinking about Z.I never did make any move, until about a few months after G recklessly broke it off with me for good. After that, me and the "best friend" mutually (and slowly) clicked over love, jokes, how often I dreamed about her, and most importantly, visions over the ex-girlfriend. When we briefly got together after Z's divorce, I felt happy that the "girlfriend" broke up with me (note: she broke it with me due to a new local boyfriend, and an incredibly bitchy attitude) because it gave me a chance to really let the best friend know that she was the type of girl I liked all along. More or less, she was like a potential soulmate.
So, I felt guilty during the relationship for crushing on my then-girlfriend's best friend, but sometimes situations like that inspire you to have a choice:
do you think you'll be much happier with the girl or the best friend? And if you aren't happy with the girl, see what you can do about the other.
Falling out of love is common, especially when you are amongst better company.
True
Comments (36)
No offense but it's people like you who make me wanna give up completely on relationships. Oh and this : "Falling out of love is common, especially when you are amongst better company." is bullshit. There will ALWAYS be someone out there who may be better than the person you are dating, but if you really love someone, that wouldn't matter and you shouldn't be putting yourself in the position to fall in love with someone else. It's called self control and it's a great quality to have. People like you clearly don't take relationships/love seriously.
It really just doesn't sound like you liked her that much in the first place, which would make it easier to fall for her friend.
I think if my boyfriend were more attracted to my best friend than he was to me, I would want him to tell me and we would have to very seriously consider ending the relationship. Like you said, it's easy to fall out of love. BUT, I would have a big problem with my best friend dating him, at least anytime soon. Maybe it's just me.
@WannaBeFit73@xanga - Just wait until it happens to you. Because it's true. It happens.
What I probably should have posted was that me and the girlfriend maintained the relationship. I maintained my love for her. And it wasn't until I dated the best friend about a year after me and the original girlfriend broke up with me for some other man that I found a much tighter connection with the best friend. So, you can clearly see how serious I take love. I think about the ins and outs, the high and the lows of it all the time. And the truth pretty much came own to this: I loved the girlfriend, but it wasn't till after we both broke up that I figured out how much I really cared for her.
Love is a very complex thing, my dear. It isn't all Disney and romance novels. You'll understand when it happens to you.
@digame_sucio@xanga - Perhaps, it is because I don't believe in the whole "girl or guy code" bullshit, but I personally think that if you didn't really care for the girl as much as you think you did dating them, then you would let him date anyone. The only reason you wouldn't let him date the best friend is when you are still stuck on him or you are afraid he will fuck up the next girl as he did you, or that the next dating would be an "upgrade" for him. Whatever be the reason, there is always an explanation as to why the man always want someone, if not the best friend. But you probably don't have anything to worry about since your boyfriend still loves and is still attracted to you, right?
@i_r_keiko@xanga - You know those moments some girls have where they date a guy because they love him despite all the bullcrap they go through or despite the clear signs that they should get out of the realtionship? Well, let's just say I held back some information. I knew early on that the relationship wasn't going to last, so I said I would leave. Guess who suggested I keep going into the relationship? She did. Guess who dumped me right after that relationship? She did. So, I knew very well that I didn't love her as much as I thought she did, but I was kind of pushed to keep the relationship going and maintain love for her, until she found another man.
This inspired another blog, in fact. (rushes)
i've never been in this situation, but feelings are hard to control, no matter how wrong the situation and your actions may be. so long as you're not jumping from girl to girl thinking she may be "the one", only to find out she's not. sometimes, it takes being in a relationship with someone who isn't right for you, to see one who is. and in this situation, it was your ex's best friend.
Falling out of love doesn't happen--lack of communication happens, personal issues to both parties happen, failure of a connection/trying, changes and trying to adapt to those changes all of which affect a relationship and "love". Love doesn't just stop. There is a major difference between being in love and loving someone...And, a majority of people lack that understanding.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - When what happens to me? Being dumped for another person or falling in love with another person? Because I have had guys be in a relationship with me yet they found feelings for someone else...and as for falling in love with a bf's best friend, that wouldn't ever happen because I have enough common sense to not put myself in that position. I wouldn't go around trying to get close to their friends, that's stupid.
And anyways, if I did start to fall for a bf's friend, it's most likely just some stupid crush, not love.
What happened to not dating your friend's exes? Did I miss the meeting where that rule was changed?
@WannaBeFit73@xanga - I agree with you. If we're always looking for something better (and there will ALWAYS be something that we think is better, whether it actually is or not), we can never be happy with what we have. And you're right, people nowadays don't take relationships seriously at all. And the hook-up culture doesn't exactly help things, ya know?
@i_r_keiko@xanga - This is the nail on the head right here. I couldn't have said it better myself.
I disagree with your last statement: "Falling out of love is common, especially when you are amongst better company."
You couldn't have fallen out of love with your girlfriend, YOU WERE NEVER IN LOVE WITH HER! If she wasn't good enough for you, then you didn't love her. It's as simple as that!
There are a lot of studies and books about this. People's idea of what love really is, is so messed up these days, I blame it mostly on the media and places like this, they make "love" appear to be so easy and it can just come and go as it or as you feel it should.
@WannaBeFit73@xanga - "Because I have had guys be in a relationship with me yet they found feelings for someone else" See? It already happened with you. And what did you do with those guys once you found out? And what kind of feelings are they talking about? Feelings of lust (which will pass) or more emotional feelings (which suggests some things were fading between you and him)?
The point I have been trying to get at is that it is indeed common for a guy (and a girl) to do that, if the relationship has soured a bit. It doesn't even have to be the best friend. I've been in relationships (in fact, its the same relationship) where as soon as she found someone who emotionally stole her heart, she threw me to the side like a sack of rotten bananas (twice, the second time's more immediate), and expected to waltz her way back in.
It was clear to her that she didn't love me, but she would rather stew in discomfort with me than accept those moments where I decided to break up with her. I'll explain it when I finish my next post.
@Kazydai@mancouch - I already explained that with a response to i_r_keiko's post.
@XxWiltedRosexX@xanga - I agree with you. I've "fallen out of love" about four times, and that's because I wasn't IN love with them; I only thought I was. I certainly loved them for their personalities and humor, but since I don't feel that love anymore, it's obvious that it wasn't the real kind of love, the I-want-to-spend-every-waking-moment with you kind of love. I think most people make the mistake of thinking that they're in love when really it's just an intense infatuation.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - Idk if they were just lust or emotional feelings, they would rather be cowards instead of telling me the truth but I assume it started out as lust which apparently was more important to them than their emotional feelings for me. Either way, yeah it's common but that doesn't make it right.
Only once has it been because of emotional feelings (he realized he was still in love with his ex) which I can kinda understand and not get so pissed about, but still...people just need to move on.
@not_your_concern@xanga - You hit the nail on the head entirely.
@WannaBeFit73@xanga - If you want more information on the relationshp, swing over to my blog. I just wrote a new post-cum-followup.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - I wasn't directing that at you, I meant it to be generally speaking. My mistake, I should have clarified.
I pretty much agree with .......but I will say that it does kind of depend on how serious the relationship is. And that level of love and commitment isn't necessarily obligated until you are engaged. I generally get annoyed at phrases like "I fell out of love". It is more likely the case that you never truly loved that person in the first place. Its impossible to control who you are attracted to...but you can control who you love. There will always be someone hotter, funnier, smarter, etc etc....but when you love someone, those conditional factors disappear.
My issue here isn't that you realized you liked someone else....but that you stayed in your relationship while liking someone else. What is the point of that? And SHE had to break up with you? So were you going to keep dating her forever whilst liking other women along the way? And I don't know her at all...but its hard to say that her finding another guy was the sole reason for the breakup....after all, you admitted she knew of your crush....which was the beginning of the end right there.
@wizexel22@xanga - Like I told someone else, the information for that last bit will be explained in my next submission. Turns out I knew when the relationship was over and even told her I wanted to break up. But she wasn't really having it. None of the four of five times I did it within the relationship. She just assumed that the love was still there and she stil loved me. Ahh, first love relationships. You don't truly learn about love till that very one is over with.
@WannaBeFit73@xanga - Agreed.
If you fall out of love with someone, you're not truly in love with them. If you really, truly love them, you would withstand hell to be with them and maintain a relationship.
I don't want to hear shit that it's going to happen to me sometime, because my ex apparently loved me but he had sex with some other girl. I knew he never truly loved me. I have a boyfriend now that adores me and makes me feel happy/secure with. I love him and he loves me. I know I want to be with him forever and I know he feels the same.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - Yeah, I'm not gonna pretend to know about your situation. And yeah, maybe you can explain it later. But I'm still confused....so you tried to break it off with her 4-5 times, and she "wouldn't have it"? Haha, how does that work? As far as I know, as long as one person ends the relationship...there's no more relationship...no matter how much the other person wants there to be one.
I understand feelings can change over time...but it seems like when you clearly realized G wasn't what you wanted...you should end it instead of drawing out the inevitable.
You know, dude, I definitely have to say that normally I would probably feel a little guilty too. I went through a somewhat similar situation, but what I have to say to you is this:
If G broke up with you because she found someone better and because she just wasn't all that rational to begin with, you have no reason to feel guilty. She didn't break up with you because you cheated on her and she didn't break up with you because of her discomfort regarding Z. Your relationship ended on her terms, freeing you from your guilt! If you're happy now, you deserve it. You can move on scot-free and it sounds to me like this happened for the better.
Though I do have to say, I agree with some of the other comments. If you think you've fallen out of love, you probably weren't in love in the first place. Maybe you were in love with the idea or just infatuated or blinded by what was probably an elongated honeymoon phase. If you're in love now with Z, don't let her go to someone who might be "better." Be the best for her and she won't leave.
@XxWiltedRosexX@xanga - Though I do lump all that up in the phrase falling out of love when it happened to me and my ex. But you're right. It really is all these things. To make it easier I just say "falling out of love" when I know it's more than that. The lack of communication, not willing to try, changes in how we both feel towards each other. Those were the things that plagued my last relationship with my ex. Just us both giving up. Just us changing. I do agree with you though, if you missed that. Lol
i had the same problem and i had to break it off with the gf because it just wasn't right to go on if i had feelings for someone else. I made a mistake by not telling gf the truth about it though and moved to quickly afterwards with the friend.
i've been in this situation... as the gf.
and got dumped, as result of my then bf preferring my friend's insane amounts of confidence & bouncy "free-spirited"ness over me. harsh.
ironically, the problem may have been my own lack of confidence, but as a result of what happened my confidence is now even lower...