Thursday, 26 May 2011
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Forced to Say Goodbye
Dear readers,I come to you today with a tragic story laying heavy on my heart (or what's left of it I should say). I had my insides smashed to pieces and ripped apart about 4 months ago and I'm still reeling.
OK. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic. I'm still alive. But break-ups are never easy (and if they are for you tell me your secrets-NOW). The worst part about my recent tragedy was that neither of us wanted to break up. Sometimes I think those are the worst. Let me explain.
We started dating right before he was about to graduate from Cornell. He was the experienced senior and I was the sophomore who had just settled into her new found college independence (by getting my first tattoo, dying my hair, and a tongue ring, oh my). We clicked from the very beginning. We're both smooth talkers with charming personalities and neither of us had met anyone like each other before. So cliche, but true. Even though we both knew he'd be leaving campus come summer time, we realized we were meant to be. We went for it. A year ago today (which makes it even sadder I tell you) he asked me to be his girlfriend.
The best part (I say this most sarcastically) was that he just happens to be from San Diego, California, Cornell is in New York, and I'm from Delaware. Win Win Win. Despite the distance factor we did surprisingly well for a while. We made it all through the summer (with a couple of visits) and my entire first semester of junior year (with no visits). A lot of our relationship just clicked and needless to say we made a great couple. Until....
I blame the economy for our breakup. He couldn't find a job (still hasn't) and it really took a toll on him mentally. Of course coming from an Ivy League school he assumed he'd find one pretty easily but no such luck. His rising unhappiness with himself and his life caused him to shut off emotionally which caused me to be insecure in his feelings for me which caused unnecessary pressure on the relationship (mostly from my end-why must girls be so emotional?). He came to realize that dealing with the distance and his own unhappiness wasn't fair for either of us.
We just weren't in a position to make this relationship work. A person has to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with anyone else. That's when serious problems start to arise. Luckily we never had any that huge. Regardless, when he said those fatal words I was completely devastated and surprised. It came out of left field. We got along (still do) so well.
It's been a healing process since then. He told me he didn't see it as the end for us, it just wasn't the right time. After months of tears, contemplation, and a lot of reflection I've finally come to an inner peace about the whole situation.
When you're stuck in a position of bad timing it's always hard. Since neither of you want to break up and it's more out of circumstance you're left with so much gray area like we were. You still text, talk, and probably act like you're still together at first.Over time it becomes harder and more difficult and you might grow apart. The key is understanding. Understanding that situations like these are so much bigger than just your relationship and in order to cultivate a healthy, happy relationship with someone you both need to be happy with yourselves first. Or else you're at risk of bringing the other person down or taking it out on them.
Luckily, he and I are still close and still care about each other deeply. Yet, we both have a mutual understanding that this is just what life has dealt us with at this point and we have to make the most of what we DO have. Being young and in a relationship is already difficult as it is because as young adults either about to enter college or about to dive head first in the career world, we are constantly pursuing our futures or trying to figure them out. It's really easy to let a break-up situation like this turn sour by blaming the other party, but what can you do in sticky circumstances?
Personally, I tried to hold on to my maturity as much as possible even though I wanted to throw as many tantrums as my 17 month old baby brother.
So on this would-be one year anniversary of mine, I sit here and tell you my tale in hopes that maybe it A. will help you avoid this situation or B. help you get through it. No matter what the dynamic of your relationship is, it's always important to remember to focus on maintaining our own happiness. Without it all the other pieces to the puzzle are so difficult to put together. And also remember, que sera sera. If it's meant to be, it WILL be.
Yours truly,
Victim of Circumstance
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- From: lexology@lovelyish
- Name: Alexis
- About Me: I'm a rising Senior at Cornell University. I'm an English major who LOVES to write. Spoken word is a big hobby and I love performing. My interests are as random as my personality and I love everything from what's on the runway to problems in third world countries. Like any other 21 year old, I love shopping, music, friends, bar hopping, fashion, magazines, poetry, coffee shops, cute boys, etc. Follow me on Twitter @Wild3_Thing
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Comments (25)
It's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all...
thank you. this helped me.
I'm kind of with someone who has moved, but every once in a while he'll come back to visit. I don't know how long it will last, but it's been lasting for over a year now even with distance. I don't think 3 hours away is too bad so either he'll come back to visit me one weekend but this weekend I'm going there to visit him at his new place for the first time. I don't know what I'll do if it ends for whatever reason, but I'm still hanging on for as long as I can. We've been going strong for over a year and 6 months now at least, too.
D: I just left the longest comment ever about my story but suddenly the page could not be found. My luck.
Let's try this again - I wish I could give you a big hug full of mutual understanding. I have been through a very similar situation, except we did not meet at college.
My most significant boyfriend of 2 years (end of junior yr HS through beginning of college), had to move suddenly the second semester of our senior year. He was having problems with his dad and decided to enroll himself into boarding school just to get away. It was hard being without him and having to adjust to that out of the blue. I started to drift from those close to me. Anyways, after about 4 months of not seeing him and writing letters (which was the most romantic thing ever) and talking on the phone 10 min. a week due to how strict the school was, my mom and I decided to go visit him one weekend along with his mom. His mom and dad are divorced and his mom resides in the state he is orginally from. It was a great visit. I was overwhelmed with emotions because it was just so damn relieving seeing him ("distance makes the heart grow fonder" is so true.) During that weekend I found out that after the school year he would directly move to his mom's state, never to return to our state again to see his dad. It was that bad that he wanted to cut him out of his life altogether. I knew that's what needed to happen, but actually hearing it devestated me due to the though of being without him for an even longer period of time. I cried the entire 8 hours home. Literally. We were reunited again in a couple of months during senior beach week, which was wonderful. The end however, was quite rough. We stayed together that summer before college, with no visits.
We soon made a mutual decision to break up, because it was inevitable - our lives were going in completely different directions. He would go to college there, and I was going away to college. We would both be meeting so many new people and developing new focuses such as all the things that school entails. Like you said, we continued to talk as if we were still dating for a while, but slowly drifted to part as I knew would happen. I thought of the break up as "setting him free" you could say. I loved him with all my heart but the distance wouldn't be fair to either of us. Since then he has crossed my mind every day, and we have our phases of talking a lot to not hearing from each other for months. I am now about to enter my junior year of college. It pleases me to see that we still keep in touch. He mentions visits every now and then but it hasn't happened yet. Only time will tell. We have an understanding at heart and have always said that maybe we will get together in the future. After all, we've always referred to each other as soulmates. There's been many instances in which I'll be thinking very hard about him and at that very moment he'll send me a nice text after it's been a while from hearing from him. Coincidence? Maybe. I'm a whole-hearted believer in "If it's meant to be it will be." Like you said, focusing on maintaining your own happiness is the best thing you can do for yourself. Through this situation I really learned how to take charge of my own independence and for the past couple years I've been focusing on my happiness and success, completely. I needed that. These are my years of living and experiencing life to the fullest.Thank you for posting this and I am touched to see that someone can relate. :)
Que sera sera... I had a friend tell me that once. The inner peace part is always the most anticipated after a break up, I think.
I wonder if it's harder to maintain contact with an ex that you once loved, rather than never speak to them again? I lost my first love, in every way possible aside from in my heart. Not easy, but time does heal many a person.
So you were only together for 8 months?
And I don't buy the excuse. I feel like he must have broken up with you for a different reason. "This isn't the end, but I don't see us together right now." sounds like he wanted to pursue other women.
All I can say is if two adults truly love each other, then current circumstances should be no reason to break up.
Just like you, my last relationship didn't go so well because she wasn't happy and as a result, she took the anger and resentment out on me. And just like you, I'm from Delaware as well. Not a lot of Delaware Xangas, as I know of.
@mycontinuity@xanga - Honestly. I would've rather never loved at all...
@PrincessPatriotII@xanga - I agree with that.
My husband and I have been in a long distance marriage for the past 3 years.. We have ups and downs...lots of downs but we deal with it because we want to stay together. He is in the military and I'm working on finishing my degree (one which cannot be transferred to where he is). He'll be out in 2 years so we're just sucking it up. Many, many times I've contemplated what life would be like single. Both of our lives would be easier but the 2 weeks we get to spend together during the summer and again for Christmas make up for the lost time. Those 13 or 14 days justify the time apart because it's not forever. I understand that long distance relationships are not for everyone but maybe this relationship you were in is not meant to be now or ever. Ultimately it is up to you but if he's not willing to make the distance work then what does that really mean?
I don't meant to offend or upset you. Just don't limit yourself in these years you have left in college. Try not to spend much more time pining after him, though you loved him. If he had really, really wanted to stay together he would have been willing to make it work. We stop at nothing, especially for love, to get what we want. Distance doesn't change that.
I've been in a similar situation...it's good to know more people know what it's like.
Fate and the economy are easy ways for people to avoid looking at themselves for solutions to the problem.
I know this is hard to hear, but I'm a tough love kind of person.
Everything happens for a reason. If you two were supposed to be together, you would be. If you both were enirely committed to this relationship, you'd still be in it. I think you're mistaken when you say neither of you wanted this. He obviously did want to break up... because he broke up with you. I think he does care about and wants to let you down gently, but it isn't fair for him to give you false hope and make it that much more difficult for you to move on with your life.
I can literally feel how much you love him. And in no way am I saying he doesn't love you, but really, blaming the economy for a break up? Two people in love (different from two people who LOVE each other, mind you) will stop at nothing to be together until the circumstances improve or the circumstances kill the love. You need to accept the fact that he didn't feel the relationship was worth it. If you continue to tell yourself "neither of you wanted this" you will never recover.
You seem like a really smart person, seriously, but it is human nature to be deluded by love. Part of me feels that if you had never experienced this yourself and heard the same story you would say the same thing I'm saying. I beg you to do yourself a favor and open your eyes to reality. There is someone out there for you and it is NOT him. The person who will love you unconditionally and mutually will have a very hard time finding you if you still consider yourself to be in love and loved by someone else.
@thisiswhereItellyoueverything@xanga - Unfortunately, this is my opinion as well.
I was once in a very serious relationship where my then-boyfriend broke up with me telling me the same thing. He still loved me, he would always think about me, and maybe someday we would be together. It created this false sense of peace in me and I even made a post very similar to yours.
As much as I'd like to believe in this concept it's is really just an easy go-to break-up excuse that spares the person who made the decision the guilt of causing the other one so much pain.
i tell again.. i so hate long distance relationship.
STORY OF MY LIFE. But I've gotten pretty good at picking up the pieces.
thank you. i completely understand what you are feeling. it's been about 5 months and i'm still devastated over my own break-up. there are moments when i still cry and linger over the could-have-beens and what-ifs.
i'm not entirely certain i agree with the whole "meant to be" concept. i've always believed it is more about "making it work." i just like the idea that people are in charge over their own fates rather than believing that fate steers our own lives. but that's just my 2 cents.
I'm in a very similar situation. My (now ex)boyfriend lives on Long Island. I go to school in Rhode Island and my family lives in Philadelphia. So its a 3 hour trip from him to school, and a 4+ hour trip from him to home. We got through 9 months of distance with me in school. He was my rock, my light, and my motivation when shit got tough. Then, the day I got home for the summer 2 weeks ago, he told me he couldn't do the distance anymore. It felt like a lot of bs, to be honest, because literally a week earlier he was saying how much the distance was worth it - how a few years of distance was worth the rest of our lives. As such, I was completely blindsided. He says he still loves and cares for me the same, and he wants to stay friends and says there may (or may not) be hope for us again in the future, but he's been avoiding talking to me since then and I'm just reeling. I'm hurt, confused, and lost. We had started planning our future together and I had made a few decisions about my future based on him and his plans, and he had done the same. Then he threw it all out, saying he didn't know if that was what he wanted for himself anymore. But rather than talk to me about it, I'm a flexible person, he just left. He said he didn't want to put in work anymore for any relationship, let alone a long distance one. Our relationship went from being totally worth it to not in less than a week. I'm devastated and don't know what to do.
I hope things work out for you and you're guy. Since I'm in a similar situation and completely lost, there isn't much else I can say. <3
I can relate to this :(
...see what happenssigh this helped, you're like an older sister!!
to give a guys perspective... my now ex-girlfriend and I went through the same situation mainly b/c I have a 80-hr/wk job and often still has to do stuff for work after I get home and she's going to school while working at the same time. I was also in a time of my life where I wasn't very happy w/ life (brother passing away suddenly and job insecurity).
There wasn't anything wrong w/ the relationship... we just didn't know how to deal w/ all the difficulties (or more like I didn't know how to). Now that she's going out w/ someone else, I finally realized how special the relationship was but it's too late. What I did learn is that next time, I would do whatever I can to work it out. Even though we still keep in touch, it still hurts to think about what I have given up.
I'm not suggesting getting into another relationship to make him realize what he's missing. But I agree w/ what u said, que sera sera... things happen for a reason. Treasure what you have.
I totally understand how heartbroken you must feel because I was in the same situation. The person I was seeing was not satisfied with his career situation. It was a breakup nightmare because we dragged the relationship on for too long. What you must remember is that it is not only due to bad timing, but also he was not willing to work through it. Move on and don't wait for him to get over it. Make sure to be open to new potentials and possibilities.
and thank you. has helped some but still in the beginning for me. seems so long even though i could of predicted this all.
My boyfriend and I recently broke up (4 days ago) and I am taking it really well even though I am still upset. The break up was the best break up I have ever experienced. We were very similar we even had the same birthday except he was 5 years older than me. We pretty much were the same person except different genders and our relationship was amazing. He was opening up a business and he was very stressed and extremely busy and we decided that it wasn't fair to me to sit around waiting for him to have time for me. He said he was too busy to be the boyfriend I deserved and what he did was an incredibly unselfish thing to do. I don't know if its the short time that we've been over but I don't feel like its over. If later on in life things settle down for him and he wants to get back together I will be all over that like white on rice. I hope only for the best for him and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I could never hate him and I thoroughly believe we are meant for each other but the timing wasn't right.