Wednesday, 25 May 2011
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Where Do YOU Want to Eat
This morning, wearing a flowy pink dress in honor of the magnificent weather, I was preparing to walk to the laundromat to switch my towels from wash to dry. About to leave, I overheard my roommate's friends arguing outside my room. They are a couple, from Oklahoma, vacationing for a week together in our basement in Brooklyn.She was reading a list of things to him from the screen of her iPhone. Before I walked into the living room I overheard him complain that "these things don't mean anything to me," and she started to reply that it was a list of restaurants that they could go to if he would only choose one. Instead of choosing one, he abruptly cut her off when I entered to ask where they should eat.
"Well, what are you in the mood for?" I asked. "We don't know," he said, looking back at his girlfriend, who took hold of his renewed attention to explain to him how cheapeats.com works - growing more and more distraught as he remained unreceptive.
The where-to-eat-tension was so thick in the room that I felt compelled to address it by saying: "I think you guys will be a lot happier if you just walk around and eat at the first place that calls to you." But I don't think the girlfriend appreciated this, because she promptly stood up and walked out the door without looking at me or her boyfriend. As he got up to follow her out the door, he looked back and said, "see ya."
Oops. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
What I witnessed in real life reminded me of the video Strangers Again, which I surreptitiously watched at work the other day. The scene took place during the TOLERANCE stage of the relationship, in which girlfriend asks boyfriend where he wants to eat that night, to which boyfriend replies: I don't know, you choose." She says she asked him first, and he replies that he is being flexible by allowing her to decide what she wants. At this the woman sighs in frustration. "You can be such a child sometimes," she complains, and stalks away.
Hmm. In the first episode, I found I could understand where the guy was coming from. Why would you choose a meal based off an abstract list of restaurant names? After all, you're here on vacation, and isn't vacation about exploring a new place and reveling in the five senses and doing what feels good in the moment? But in the second situation, I found myself feeling for the woman, who just wanted her man to act decisively in the face of the (presumably ump-teenth) question.
In my opinion, avoidance of decision-making can be a frustrating trait in a partner for both men and women. Arguably there are times when even the surest person doesn't know how they feel or what they want - but a chronic tendency to shirk responsibility for decisions can be an indicator of low self-esteem and a general lack of engagement, which can easily lead to tension and dissatisfaction in the relationship. The ability to grab and dunk the decision-ball succinctly, without pre-gaming with twenty minutes of "i-don't-want-the-ball-please-take-it-back," is incredibly attractive, precisely because it suggests that the person is grounded by their instincts and confident enough to see them through.
While not trying to get bogged down in a discussion of gender roles, I will say that women might find decision-avoidance particularly annoying in men, because of a certain social expectation that the boyfriend should "man up" and, in the timeless words of Snoop Dogg in Starsky and Hutch, "lay it out for y'all to play it out."
But if women trusted themselves enough to listen to their instincts for guidance on what they actually wanted (including what and where to eat), AND developed the confidence to translate this inner knowledge into action, would we find it so frustrating when our man doesn't step in and tell us how it will go down?
Does this sound at all familiar? Why do you think we experience such tension surrounding something so simple?
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About the Author
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- From: ThatBirdisAbsurd
- About Me: I just moved to New York after studying and living abroad for five years in Canada, Europe and India. One amazing thing about being back in America: knowing EXACTLY how to say what you want to say, RIGHT when you want to say it. English makes dating a lot easier.
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Comments (23)
I think there had to be more to it then they couldnt decide where to eat. If it was me I would of just suggested a place. I think they were looking for someone to make the decision for them. Your comment, to be honest, would of annoyed me too.
Haha. I find myself in the "where to eat?" argument with my boyfriend a lot. Both of us just wants the other one to be happy, so we end up indecisive a lot. Usually what I end up doing is asking for him to name a few places and I will choose from what he lists. Or the other way around when I list some places and he picks from the list. But a lot of times when I start listing off places, he'll still say that he doesn't care and that I should just pick a place. That kind of annoys me because I want to pick a place that we both want to eat at.
It's a minor disagreement, and we've never gotten as tense about it as this couple did. Really, it's a silly thing to argue over.
this has happened one too many times with me and my man. i will ask for his preference once, and since he usually doesn't give a shit what he eats, i make the choice. easy-peasy. it's just as childish for me to respond to his indecision with an "I asked you first" or "just chooooose!", and it makes it so much easier to make the call myself so that's what i do now. when he really has a preference, he will say so.
I also have this prob but my prob is that since he is so indecisive, I usually end up choosing. I hate choosing because he always feels unsatisfied after we eat and he hates choosing because he always ends up ordering the wrong thing =____=
Off topic, but that pic and your title make this seem very dirty. Lol. now to read it seriously.
Yeah, its a hard way of looking at things, to be decisive can make you look demanding, to be passive is to show that you do not care or you do not have the masculine outlook. ultimately, it depends on who you are with. personally i would make a choice and stand by it, and if she doesn't want to eat their, then i would have her choose. if its good, great, if not, i am not going to eat there.
I guess its a give and take process?
It annoys my SO that I refuse to pick a place to eat... but he doesn't LIKE anything that I like. So when I do pick, he doesn't want to go there and winds up picking for us anyway.
But somehow... skipping that first step where I keep suggesting things and he keeps turning them down seems to really bug him.It sounds very familiar, since it happened all the time in my last relationship. She made me do everything, made me choose everything. And when I asked her opinion, she gets upset and frustrated with me. I ask her what she wants to eat, and she said, "I don't know. Choose some place." I ask because I want her input and see if I know a place, but if she doesn't give me anything, I don't want to pick a place where she hates and then gets upset with me even more.
@laytexduckie@xanga - Ha! And there you have it:
Due to antiquated gender roles, women don't know what they want but they do know what they don't want.
Women: If you do not help plan (i.e. suggest/know restaurants), you FORFEIT any right to complain when the restaurant isn't to your liking.
I asked my brother about this common problem. He said guys avoid makign the decision because they don't want to make the wrong one and have her unsatisfied with the choice. Well atleast that's how he saw it. I wouldn't mind picking a place to eat but I would hate having to always do it. But I like your suggestion! :)
P.s I loved the strangers again video! hehe
Mer and my hubby get into this argument often.. It started as him saying why do we always go where you want... Which is funny because he would ask me where I wanted to go and then we would head there... So I was like idk So it turned into me asking what do you want to eat... and he would be like idk....
Every time I ask him it's IDK you? And then i pick and he makes this face... This face of disgust... So i'll be like okay what do you want... and he'll be like, idk we'll just eat what you want all disappointed...
It's like okay.. So I'm going to eat what I want unless you offer and idea because I'm hungry and don't want to argue for 30 min.
@love_and_blackberries@xanga -Same
@xXDC_luyouXx - Exactly and it should go both ways.
OP:
Yeah, my bf and I do the same thing especially when I'm not craving anything. I don't think he particularly cares about where we eat unless he's craving something himself. Yeah, we wouldn't get as bad as that couple though. Though usually we have compromises on places we eat so it's not a total take over between one of us.
I give the "whatever you want" response depending if I already know how the person is, because often times, I feel that the person pretends to ask me my opinion to be nice, but when I give suggestions, they say my suggestions suck, then an arguement starts because I can tell that they didnt even really consider my suggestions. I ask them why they asked me in the first place if they don't care about what I say
so then they feel like less of an inconsiderate ahole and pick the place that they intended to go all along. afterwards, they complain that the restaurant that they picked sucked, but they can't blame me. and I'm secretly thinking, ha! you should've went to the place that I suggested
I think some people do this to spite me or passive aggressive vengeance, which happened a lot in the past. I can tolerate so much before I dump him:D done and done lol
Actually, I don't think the man should "man up" at all. I think that when it comes to this kind of thing, the girl should make the decision. Most women want a "decisive" man, but then end up annoyed at his decision. Guys might have a certain desire, but their main focus is to make a woman happy, so they want her to choose. If women would be more willing to control the ropes, I think everyone would breathe better and eat more happily.
Or the woman should date a more decisive, controlling man who doesn't care about making her happy.
LOL we get into this so much. Then it narrows down to what type of food we wanna eat. 60% of the time it leads to pho just because it's cheap.
girls want a leader, a man that makes decisions
he was being a pussy...therefore, the girlfriend was pissed off that she is dating a pussy.
Why are all these guys these days trying to anticipate what their girlfriends are thinking? when did this happen?
Can you try to make your posts a bit more succinct? It would help a lot. Thanks.
This questions has caused at least 8 thousand arguments between my parental units...
and I've had my fair share as well. I genuinely don't care where we eat, so PLEASE pick one.I just hate choosing where to eat. He know's that. He just asks me because he knows I'm annoyed by the question. lol
He says he asks me because I'm the picky eater, when really he's the one who grew up eating pizza and hamburgers only. The only thing that I have to be in a special mood to eat is pizza (and it's a rare occasion when I want to eat pizza).
So really all he has to do is ask if I'm in the mood for Pizza or not, then we can figure out where to go from there.
It has usually been my experience that the woman is passive aggressively choosing, making the man "choose" a restaurant until he picks the right one. That way, she's in control, but he's making the choices!! Lol. Don't ask me to choose a restaurant unless you're going to go with my choice.
@xXDC_luyouXx - "If you do not help plan (i.e. suggest/know restaurants), you FORFEIT any right to complain when the restaurant isn't to your liking"
I completely agree with this, but I think it goes both ways. This used to happen with an ex of mine - I would ask him "where do you want to eat?" or "where do you want to sit?" because I know he is the one who often has a preference. If I genuinely don't have a preference, then I'd like him to decide if he does. If a have a preference, believe me, I'm not going to keep it to myself. But he used to want me to choose, then would be unsatisfied saying "We should have gone to the other place" or "we should have sat over there". Then I would say "well why didn't you say something when I asked?" Anyway, for either gender, it just seems like a way to not have to take responsibility when something doesn't end up being to your liking.
To the OP: In the end, it all comes down to honesty. If you have a preference, SAY IT. If you don't know what you want but you know what you don't want... then knock off some options and let the other person choose between the remaining options. If neither of you have a preference.... then walking around and choosing whatever looks good to you both sounds like a pretty good plan to me! :)
My husband used to get so frustrated with me for not knowing where to go. When he finally understood that I wasn't being indecisive, I just didn't really care (because I'm easy to please and anything ends up being fun with him), he calmed down.
My first boyfriend was exactly like that. He just went along with anything I wanted to do. I don't want to be in a relationship in which I do all the driving, metaphorically speaking.
Oh my Gosh!!! Indecisiveness is the most annoying thing I have to deal with. My boyfriend is fairly indecisive, but he's usually mellow enough that if I make a decision, he doesn't get mad or disappointed or anything.
The worst is when someone doesn't want to make a decision, but then they b*tch and moan about decisions made that they didn't want to make. I have some friends like that and I have to tell them that if they're not going to speak up and say what they want to do then they don't have a right to get mad either.(Hot topic for me because this just happened to me last weekend and it was so frustrating. Merr!)