My approach to dating has always been like this: Get to know the girl before dating her. Find out who she is. Befriend her. Judge our compatibility and then ask her out. That approach made sense when I was in junior high and high school. Dating long-time friends was the norm for me back then.
More recently I've discovered that most other people tend to adopt a different approach: Date the guy/girl while you get to know him/her. Ask the person out first and then find out if you two are compatible, befriending him/her in the process.
The former seems like a
safe approach. You can know in advance if your friend likes you, have a good idea of how compatible you two are, and even discuss the possibility of moving the relationship out of the friend zone. One disadvantage to that approach is time. If you're only aiming your romantic interests toward one friend, and that friend doesn't feel the same way that you do, then you're stuck in the friend zone and are forced to look elsewhere.
The latter seems like the
popular, faster approach. If you see a person who appears nice or interesting, you can ask him/her on a date and see if things can move forward from there. If the first date works, a second date might follow. If not, a post-date friendship is optional or easily avoidable. One disadvantage to this approach is that
it might take longer to find a compatible partner if you're having multiple first dates.Of course, these approaches to dating are contingent on what you want out of a date--that is, why you're dating in the first place. Some people just want to have fun, meet new people, enjoy a one-night fling, or have a long-term relationship with someone. My intentions fall into the latter category--and in my case, I want the right someone.
I see dating as a way to get to know a potential partner, a step toward something long-term and long-lasting. I just don't know which approach is better for that end. The first approach worked in high school, but I'm in grad school now. I'm not sure which approach is for me.
What do you think? What are some advantages and disadvantages to either approach? Why choose one over the other?
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Comments (18)
Approach one most likely will get you stuck in the friend zone. Which everyone knows is almost impossible to get out of.
@Kill_GaryLarson@xanga - indeed true.
taking to long could mean that your too passive about a relationship, going in too quick could lead to impatience and little knowledge on your partner. we have our methods, its a matter of what works for us and to stay true to it maybe even perfect it.
Others beat me to the punch, but yeah, playing it safe gets you the friend zone, dude. Second approach allows to quickly find out if you're wasting your time or not.
I do a "mixture" of the two. Get to know them a very little bit, enough to make sure dinner together or hanging out won't consist of pure silence, then ask them out. With my current boyfriend, he sent me his number on facebook and we talked for hours on end, the first time we ever hung out was two or three days after we started texting each other constantly. We had a TON to talk about on our first date and neither of us seemed nervous. I'd never tried that approach before, but it's definitely by far my favorite. :D
A mixture of the two seems to be the way to go. Take them on a couple dates, showing that you're interested in potentially more than a friendship. But keep it light and friendly. The key is to take it slow. Attaching labels or setting expectations for a relationship while you're still in the midst of "getting to know" the person can be dangerous. Naturally, you will keep "getting to know" someone over time, even if you two become exclusive or call yourself boyfriend and girlfriend... but take the time to be as sure as possible about the person BEFORE jumping into "relationship territory".
Because finding out once you're already invested in a relationship that the person isn't right for you or you don't feel as much for them as you thought you did (or vice versa) really really sucks.
I'm not generally interested in dating someone at all until I've gotten to know the person. That's why I have little interest in the second approach at all--I would have no desire to date someone until after we are already friends. I will admit, however, that it's not a very effective method for finding the right person. Another possible disadvantage of this approach is what happens when you want to move beyond a friendship, but the other person does not. After you ask out a friend, the relationship dynamic between you tends to change, and the friendship may not be the same afterwards.
For most of my dating life I have taken the second approach. I didn't really date in high school and I went to a college where I didn't really know anyone, so the first approach was a little impractical. However, none of those relationships worked out. I've got a couple great guy friends because of those relationships, along with a few men who I'd be happy to never see again. I don't regret (most of) it.
However, my current relationship is with someone I've known and been friends with for years upon years. There was always a bit of a spark, but we never took it to a romantic level. We grew apart while I was away at college and hardly ever talked. Then I moved back home. I ran into him one day and did the usual, hey we should hang out sometime. And we did. And we discovered that spark was still there. We only dated for a few weeks before we started calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. We were exclusive with each other even before that point. In a couple weeks we will reach our one year anniversary of when we decided we were more than just dating each other. We see each other literally nearly every day. And I couldn't be happier. So yeah, I'm a big fan of method number one.
I agree with a lot of the commenters here. Why not try a mixture of both?
I really don't think we consciously pick 1 way over another...it depends on the situation and even on the person we're dating. At times....you are friends for a while before anything romantic develops while at other times, you get lovey dovey pretty quickly. I think that nowadays if 2 people are attracted to each other and they enjoy each other, they end up up becoming friends while dating. I dont think its possible to be "just friends" if there's already an implied romantic interest between the 2 of you. That being said, though, I still think it is better to be legit friends first because you an build a stronger foundation for a relationship down the line.
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I don't seriously date anybody unless I see a chance of a future with them. Howeverrr...I have been on a few blind dates, and they were fun. They never went anywhere, but they were fun. And I think that if I had really liked any of the guys I would have had to stay "We have to back up. Be friends first." If he didn't respect that, oh well.
waiting is stupid.
I will ask a girl out if I picture myself having sex with her.
This is how all guys form relationships from one night to a lifetime.
I've always been a safe dater and have long learnt it is not successful. Certainly the fast way is better, as the initial attraction phase of one's body chemistry between parties involved can only last so long. I find since I'm a more confident person these days, the fast way is less an issue than it was. My main fear is offending people, as most women I meet are friends of friends, which may have social ramifications
.
I prefer approach one. I like to know if there is chemistry first. I find dates with people I don't really know at all very uncomfortable, more like a job interview than fun.
I prefer approach one. I don't want to waste time dating someone I wouldn't end up with in the...end. So I'd rather have/make a lot of friends and if there's a spark then we proceed. It takes (me) at least a year to get to know/trust/love someone so I think the slow approach is fine. I also value friendship above relationships - I think for a relationship to really work your partner has to be, in effect, your best friend. Therefore it's easier to proceed if that groundwork has been laid out (and it can save a lot of future anguish).
...And this is what I thought until I met my bf who asked me out on day 4...so y'know, whatever works.
(Approach two is possibly the better way to not get stuck in the "friend zone". But if they are the right one for you, you won't be in the friend zone...)
Now that I'm older (24), approach two is better for me. I don't want to dilly-dally. If I'm interested in someone, I will let them know, and I'll want to know if they are interested in me. If they are, then we date and see how things evolve. If they aren't, we can go our separate ways or be friends. I've realized to just go for what I want. Patience is a virtue, yes, but I like to be clear about what I want and not ignore my feelings.
I think it just depends, Who knows what works when.But I think for me mostly the 1st approach works. I need to know the person more better way before getting into it.
Wow. I honestly can say there can be advatages to bothe approches as long as respect and safety are a part of the equation