Monday, 23 May 2011
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Finding Your Bashert
When I first moved to New York I was reading a play called The Clean House by Sarah Ruhl. In the second act, Lane's husband Charles brings his lover Ana into Lane's house and then tries to make Lane understand why he would do such a thing.Charles explains that according to Jewish law, a person is legally obligated to break it off with their husband or wife if they find what is called their bashert, or soul mate. There is no way around it - the person must dissolve their marriage.
Lane points out that Charles is not Jewish. Charles says he heard about the idea of a bashert on public radio, and when he saw Ana he knew she was it. "Something very objective happened to me," he tells Lane. "It was as though I suddenly tested positive for a genetic disease that I've had all along. Ana is in my genetic code."
And it could have happened the other way around. "You could have found your bashert," Charles reasons, "and I would have been forced to make way. There are things - big invisible things - that come unannounced - they walk in, and we have to give way. I would even congratulate you. Because I have always loved you."
What do you think about the idea of a bashert - that you could instantly, objectively, recognize yourself in another human being? What if this happened to you, but you were already married?
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About the Author
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- From: ThatBirdisAbsurd
- About Me: I just moved to New York after studying and living abroad for five years in Canada, Europe and India. One amazing thing about being back in America: knowing EXACTLY how to say what you want to say, RIGHT when you want to say it. English makes dating a lot easier.
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Comments (21)
Wow. That's so interesting... knowing that you have a soul mate out there, though, why marry someone who you know isn't?
sounds like just a terrible excuse for breaking up to me....
if you believe in this concept and marry someone who you don't know "objectively" to be your soulmate, you're a loser and an ass to boot.
I guess it's one of those, "You wouldn't believe it unless you experienced it." bits. Like, heaven for instance. Some people believe in it blindly, others the exact opposite. The only sure fire way of knowing it to experience it..
I'm not going to put too much weight behind it - but breaking up a marriage for another person seems like it'd be against the concept of marriage in most orthodox circles. Wouldn't the person you married technically be your soulmate - otherwise, you shouldn't have married them?
In any case, no. I don't believe in soulmates. I believe in souls and I believe in mates, but the two don't jive.
. . . Guys who jump into marriage without the sensation of his former"fiance" being his "soulmate" make dumb excuses like that too.
I don't know if it was a "soulmate" moment, but I have had a times (one in particular) where I looked at someone for the first time and realized they were going to be a big part of my life or make an impact on me. So on some level, I do believe in instant connections.
As far as the marriage question, it's hard to say. Of course I don't want to marry someone who I don't truly love and connect with, but you never know what could happen. There are so many people in the world, honestly, so who's to say you can't be 35 and married to someone you love and then suddenly meet someone who's a better match for you? You have to do what makes you happy, even if that includes breaking off a marriage for someone you feel you better connect with. This doesn't mean I think you should just marry anyone and then break it off when someone better comes along, but things happen and I can understand the reasoning behind it.
@tupacodaman88@xanga - exactly.
every man and woman i have ever known who ended their long time marriage for the "love of their life" were just going through a mid life crisis and what they really meant is that this new "great love" had made them feel entitled to hurt other people in order to follow their own selfish bliss and escape the burden of living for others like a responsible adult with a family they had promised to love.
Love isn't just some blind passionate emotion; love is a decision. Sure there are people you might connect with through your life as a "soul mate" but give them a few years and there will be a point when it comes down to the commitment of loving them. If you are always searching for the excitement of a brand new love and the joy of a "new" thing you will never be content.
he heard about the bashert on the radio, then became delusional and turned it into a self fulfilling prophecy. then he used this dramatic excuse to break up with his wife.
Eh, I don't buy it.
If I marry someone, then I dedicate to stay with him and work it out, no matter if at some point I find someone else very attractive. I believe love is a choice, because the majority of love involves loyalty and dedication and caring, and I can choose to do that.
I think that marriages go through highs and lows, at that at some point, someone else might seem attractive to me because they are different from who I am with or because I'm starting to take who I'm with for granted. But I dedicated to stay loyal and care about the person I'm with, so that's what I will do.I never really believed in soul mates, in any mystical sense, but I have had the experience of meeting someone and feeling an instant connection, as though we've known each other forever. But that doesn't mean that you have to hop into bed or rearrange your entire life to be with them. I have met people of the same or opposite gender that fit that description, and there are ways of working them into my life and not jeopardizing other significant relationships.
If I am married my responsibility is to my spouse and any children we've brought into the world. That is why people get married, so they have a partner no matter what, no matter who comes down the pike. If the attraction with the new person is really so strong and long lasting that it totally distracts you from your primary relationship, I guess there is nothing to do but end one relationship to pursue the other. It's better than cheating on your partner.
I never thought I'd be reading about the concept of a Bashert on Lovelyish! After learning about this in yeshiva, I am interested in reading your replies!
In response to @thatsnotarealword@xanga 's thoughts of leaving your spouse in the orthodox circles, I don't know if anyone would admit to meeting their bashert while married. They would probably internally convince themselves that despite this "aha" moment, their spouse is meant to be and that's that.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - You are correct!
Well this is a pointless post. At least talk about Jesus or something who could exist historically. Soul-mates or whatever are bullshit. It doesn't happen like that. Science teaches us this. Soul-mates are a fairytale. A lovely fairytale to be sure. But in the end, a fairytale.
@Footballblogs@xanga - bahahaha "at least talk about jesus" in a post about a jewish idea. hasn't there been enough talk of jesus recently what with the failed rapture and everything? way to be totally close-minded. it could easily be a fairy tale, or it could be another part of the huge and unfathomable stuff of life that humans will never understand. is it pointless to think about such things? does everything have to have a POINT to be worth considering, or is it just that the shapelessness of such things makes us uncomfortable?
There's nothing objective about lust at first sight. Silly people with their flexible moral codes... as if a moral code can be flexible.
@ThatBirdisAbsurd - Actually fair point. My bad. Don't know why I wrote that...
This post had a powerful effect on me.
I can't believe this play completely misinterprets the jewish idea of bashert. First, this character Charles isn't even Jewish. Second bashert has a very different meaning in Jewish tradition. 40 days before you are born, G-d chooses your bashert however, the person you marry becomes your bashert. In Jewish religion, ahava means love but it also means "to give." Giving to another is the lifeforce that creates love. There is no such thing as love at first site or the concept of meeting your soul mate and knowing right away. In fact, Judaism would consider this example a shonda-or disgrace that is based on infatuation or chemistry which is not love. In Judaism, we don't even believe you truly love another until you are long married, after all the hard work, sacrifice and effort have been made and you have stuck with your partner through thick and thin. That is when true love happens. This is a basic level of chemistry. Yes, divorce is allowed but it is not encouraged for a perfectly good marriage where there is nothing wrong except that this man "falls in love" with someone new. Any rabbi would discourage this man to work on his own marriage first before dissolving the other one.
here's a great article that explains the Jewish concept of bashert.
http://www.aish.com/d/w/69266117.html
That's kind of the thing that I'd always feared back when I was single, that I'd think I found happiness with someone, and then someone else throws me for a loop. Or, more likely, that that would happen to a future significant other, and I'd be devastated. I'm pretty glad I gave up that fear.