Sunday, 22 May 2011

• First Love Dragging on For Too Long

  
  In 2004 I started my first serious relationship (I was 18). He was my first for everything and I was his. Let's call him John. That relationship lasted for about two years and we broke up because he fell out of love he said. It devastated me because as my first, he meant everything to me. It was the first time my heart was broken.

  A few days later we got back together and and stayed together for a few months until we broke up again, due to him being uncertain about things. About half a year later he came back to me telling me I was the girl he wanted, the girl he couldn't stop thinking about.

  I had never gotten over him so we got back together and life was good. We broke up for the last time in 2007 because he basically drove me away. He said he was happy I finally broke up with him because he didn't have the heart to do it. That hurt. But I got over it.

  In late 2007 I started dating someone new. He was pretty awesome at first and then towards the end of the relationship, I was realizing I wasn't happy with this guy. He was too quiet and never stated his opinion in anything. EVER. I broke up with the guy I was dating because I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere with this guy.

  Out of nowhere John contacts me again. He wants to hang out so I say sure because it had been over a year since we had dated. It automatically turned into a sexual relationship. I was okay with just sex until he got crazy on me, jealous with the idea of me dating someone. So we stopped having sex. Emotions were getting involved.

  In late 2008 I began dating someone else. I broke up with this guy nearly a year later because it turned out he had been lying to me about his drug use during half our relationship. No thanks. Naturally yet again, John comes calling again. It's as if he has some kind of e-mail notification about my break ups.

  This time he comes around all friendly, a shoulder to cry on. I take it and next thing you know he is confessing his undying love for me and how he was wrong this whole time. That he had taken this last year figuring out his feelings for me and decided I am the one. That he was struggling with being a young man and committed to one woman before and now he knew that I was all he wanted.

  I was taken back, confused at the things he was saying. I had loved this guy for years and in all honesty, never gotten over him. He was my first after all. But I was still under the shock of my ex drug addict boyfriend, I didn't know who the hell to trust. I didn't want to be with anyone. I just wanted time to breathe, to be alone.

  He didn't understand this. He wanted me to be his.

  After his realization that I was the one and only girl he wanted, he just wanted me to give him the chance. But I just couldn't. I needed time. I rejected him and became mean at his insistence. That broke his heart and next thing you know, he stopped talking to me saying he couldn't handle just being a friend.

  So I enjoyed my "Me" time and dated a lot, later. I had a lot of time to think about John. I missed John. I had wished that John had realized all this sooner. Or that he would have had patience and let me get over one relationship instead of pushing me into another. So in the Spring of 2010 I spoke to him again. I told him why I had needed time to myself and that I had wanted to be with him, just not yet. But I was all better now and if he still had that undying love for me, I was his.

  He said he needed time to think. HA! I said okay and a week later asked him how it was going. He freaked and told me that time didn't just mean a few days and that the answer was suddenly clear to him. No thanks due to my lack of patience. I was shocked!!! This coming from him, him who pushed me daily to be his and I who gave him days and just asked how it was going? I was amazed.

  I got angry at him and told him he was ridiculous. That he hadn't been patient with me and so much for his undying love. We immediately stopped talking after that.

  Months later though he contacted me again and wanted to meet. He chose a park we used to go to at night and walk hand in hand. I met him there and he was cautious around me. My heart was beating so fast... this was the guy I had loved since 2004! But in the end we sat across from each other and he told me that he, for the first time in his life, could look at me and feel nothing. 

  That took the breathe out of me and it hurt. He said we should be friends and I being who I am, said okay. We hung out a few times, he would complain about the girl he was dating, and when they broke up he would vent to me about it. He lost his job and there I was for him listening to all his complaints. Next thing you know we were having sex.

  The worst sex though because he was depressed and I couldn't have good sex with him knowing I was still in love with him and he not me. I would hold him and massage his head, do all these cute little things with him.

  We stopped the sex without ever talking about it and hung out again in early 2011. Here he is talking to me about his conquests again and his failed dating life. All I can think about while he says this stuff to me is that I am so perfect for him. Everything he says he wants in a woman, describes me. From all the little things to the personality traits!

  I practically sit there with my mouth hanging open wondering what the heck is wrong with this guy. That girl he wants is right in front of him! So today I finally asked him why he doesn't just ask me out. His answer is what started me blogging about this.

  "You are a good candidate for dating. But I'm not interested in dating you. I don't want to lead you on. We just have great sexual chemistry."

  My blood suddenly boiled. I had nothing to say to that. I'm done. It's been 7 years dragging on too long.

  Ever had this situation happen to you or something similar?
  Ever had someone confuse you or drag you along?
  Ever been stupid enough to keep liking someone even though you knew better?

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