After I broke up with my ex who I was dating for a couple of years, I was pretty sad about not being able to hang out anymore with the new friends I made while in this relationship. I really enjoyed the company of the people that he had introduced me to, and some of them we spent quite a bit of time with. When we broke up
I didn’t call them, or text because those were basically his friends, and I figured he wouldn’t appreciate me hanging out with them.
Interestingly enough when I closed my Myspace account and opened up a Facebook account, a lot of his friends were looking me up. I accepted their friend requests, and I like the fact that they still wanted to keep in contact with me on some level. A couple of my friends didn’t understand why I wanted to stay friends with at them.
They just thought it would be a constant reminder of my ex, but it’s not like that all. When I chat with them via FB I never ask about my ex, and actually I don’t particularly care about what he’s doing or not doing. He‘s a part of my past--and that’s that.
Last summer I ran into a couple of his friends, and seeing them brought back cool memories of the good times we all had together. I would like to hang out with them and
grab a drink or something, and I’ve been wondering if that would be overstepping any kind of boundaries. I don’t know if they would feel uncomfortable hanging out with me now that my ex isn’t in the picture.
I personally don‘t think it would be weird. I do have my own friends but after getting to know people for a couple of years, it really sucks that you don’t get to see them anymore. Who knows, maybe I’ll test the waters over the summer and invite them out for happy hour one day.
Have you ever been in this situation before?, What would you do?
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Comments (21)
I think if they are making an effort to contact/talk to you, then why not remain friends with them? He doesn't own them. haha. If it's been a while since you two broke up, it probably wouldn't even be that bad if you ran into him, would it? I say go for it. It's YOUR life.
I just broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago, and I'm hoping I can also remain friends with a few of "his" friends that I got along with. I'm anxious to see how it plays out. There's a few I will miss if I don't get to see them anymore.
I don't think there should be "rules" over this kind of thing. If they don't seem awkward around you and are reaching out, I'd say it's a good sign that they still enjoy hanging out with you, so just go for it.
they did reach out to you. why not just hang out? no big deal. like you said, your ex is in the past so dont worry about his feelings.
I dont think its overstepping the boundries. They initiated contact in the first place. You made friends and if it doesnt bug you then dont worry what he thinks. Friendship shouldnt matter regarding whose friends with them first. =)
yeah i have the same problem too
Hang out with them. If they make the effort to hang out with you, it means they want to stay friends. It's one of the things that a lot of people deal with it and depending on the people, yeah, they don't want to hang out with an ex of one of their friends. But others don't mind because they don't look at them as a friend's ex, but just another friend (which is what I do).
I like the boot in your picture, by the way. I got me two of them. :D
i dated a guy for four years and i was really good friends with most of his friends.. but we went our separate ways i didn't bother them. I met up with some of them recently (its been two years) and we a all had a blast! minus the ex....
If his friends took the time to contact you..then why not? Hang with them.
The "friends of an ex" issue is only an issue when the ex is insecure. If your friends happened to hang out with your ex for fun once in a while, would you feel uncomfortable knowing they did? Hopefully not. The same should go for your ex and his friends.
The situation should only have to be second-guessed if the friends in question are trying to date you. Man Law.
I'm still friends with my ex's sister! I don't think it's weird at all - if you want to hang out with them, go for it. He doesn't control his friends, and ultimately, it's none of your ex's business who his friends hang out with.
Well I have been in this situation before. My reckoning, split them into two groups:
1. People you would have been friends with if you had met them any other way. Contact these people after the breakup, let them know that how you feel and organise a social event.
2. People you would never have been friends with however you met them. Remove these people from phone and social networking(often these people are just those you made an effort with for the sake of your SO).
Leave anyone you are unsure of alone and let them contact you.
Best way my opinion!
Ah, this reminds me of a breakup from agessss ago. Apparently, an unhealthy amount of my friends had fallen for my guy. At first they were happy to have a shot at him, but when he refused them--oh god, I lost all of their friendships because I 'broke his heart and left him unable to love'.
Not quite your situation, but what I mean is, after things of this nature it becomes obvious who is really friendship material and who isn't. The fact that they contacted you is great, certainly do try to keep them.
You're friends with them too. I'd be pissed if I had to stop being friends with people I met through a boyfriend.
In fact I met my friend Cara because she was really good friends with a guy I dated for only two months.He was an idiot - think 30, unemployed, pot head, not looking for a job - and he was all pissed when she and I still hung out after I broke up with him because he thought he was "in love" with me. Give me a break.
She and I still talk and as far as I know she doesn't even keep in contact with him because she realized he's a loser.
@SHmeEPeh@xanga - "Apparently, an UNHEALTHY amount of my friends had fallen for my guy. At first they were happy to have a shot at him, but when he refused them" oh wow hahah
see OP, that is the thing, if they only wanted to be friends, that is fine, but if they wanted more, it will cause conflicts between him and his friends, I'm sure most of the one that contacted you are guys?
BE their friend! Honestly, life is short and what the hell, they're not just "his" friend, he didn't piss on them or anything and claim them. At one point they were both of your friends and there's no reason for that to end. Hit them up! I hit up a guy friend of my ex's, and just said very clearly that I really just wanted to be friends. After I cleared the air, everything was great and now we text all the time. Just do it.
Just because you broke up with the guy doesn't mean you must give up the friends you made. You didn't date his friends, after all. If your ex has a problem, he probably hasn't let go of you just yet (it's been a couple of years, so I take it he should be okay now).
It's awkward, sure, but as long as the friend isn't in the relationship, they shouldn't be property claimed.
C'mon, let's not go back to kindergarten.
I don't see it as a problem! If my boyfriend and I broke up, I would definitely still hang out with his friends. I think that if you hung out with them WHILE you were dating (just you sometimes) and liked them when he wasn't around, there's no reason you shouldn't continue the friendship.
When I broke up with my ex and his best friend and I became close, we actually had a talk about whether or not we could remain friends now that I had broken up with his best friend.
I lost a handful of really awesome friends when meeting them through my past boyfriends. To me, it was ridiculous why we couldn't be mature. It's not like I gave a damn about my ex's dating life or would flaunt about mine. Guess I'm more forward that way. But I often wonder... WHAT if the bestfriend contacted ME via FB... I'd be happy with that. WE'd hang out when he's in town, he'd meet my fiance and go shopping to upgrade his closet like I had done for him as we had before. And I miss him (the best friend) because he was a great buddy to bounce ideas with.
Anyway, since they're looking you up I don't see why it'd be overstepping your boundaries. You're not going to DATE these friends or looking your ex up vicariously through subtle cues. Toss it out there, the idea of hanging out and grabbing a drink in a group; if they think it's weird, I'm sure they'll say it. Treat them like ADULTS, not like fragile glass figures. I'm sure they'd convey how they feel about friending you again even without your ex in the picture. JUST make sure they know that you'd be happier if your ex was NOT invited along because your EX is in the past.
I think it's great that your ex's friends are still friends with you. If they're ok with that, that shows that they are loyal friends to YOU, not just faking it because you were in a relationship with someone they knew.
This has been a huge issue for me recently. My husband cheated on me and left me for another woman, and all our mutual friends backed him up. I was devastated. I lost pretty much years and years of my social life, I lost who I thought was my best friend (who was the officiant at our wedding!), so many people that I really cared about and liked were completely gone out of my life--or worse, hateful towards me. Now that my husband and I are back together suddenly these friends want to be my friend again. What the fuck? I really can't respect or feel comfortable with anyone that is that fair-weathered.