A bit of background: I am 20, female, and am a dedicated Christ-follower. I'm in a situation that is a bit...complicated. I know many people say that about their relationship, but I think ours actually qualifies.
Let me preface this by saying that I would
never even consider dating someone who is in a committed marriage relationship;
I believe that cheating is wrong. Additionally,
if they are willing to cheat on their spouse for you, what's to stop them from cheating on you for someone else?However, I am currently with someone who is
in the process of getting a divorce. He is 24, and hasn't been able to afford it previously until now. Just to make things clear,
he is NOT getting the divorce because of me. Not many people who are currently in his life know about his marriage - his mom never even met the girl. If they do know about it, they know that it is over in all but legality. He has made mistakes in his past, as we all have. Over two years ago, when they got married, he was going through a very depressed period in his life and just gave up caring. He didn't have any guidance nor support from others. He has changed drastically in the time between then and now; I honestly believe that the change is permanent.
He has been separated from his wife, living in different states, for over a year. When they got married,
she used him to get pregnant. Once she had the child she didn't want him anymore. He didn't want a child and used protection because she refused to take birth control. However,
she frickin' poked holes in each and every one of his condoms through the wrapper with a needle. It was nearly undetectable as the package still appeared unopened. I can't even fathom why someone would go to such deceptive lengths just to have a child.
Even so, he tried to repair the relationship, but she was (and is) adamant that she does
not want him in her life and she moved away. Their relationship is utterly and completely over. He has already filled out most of the paperwork and what is filled out has been sent in. He's awaiting it to be looked over, and then there is more paperwork and money to be paid. *Sigh*
We do not have sex because of our beliefs on sex outside of marriage, but we do kiss. Is that wrong? Is us being together at all wrong?My beliefs: I want to do everything according to the way God says I should; as always, He knows best.
Because he is still legally married, I won't officially call him mine until after the divorce goes through. I have referred to him as my boyfriend once, but it didn't exactly feel right. If people ask if we are together, we usually say "sort of" or "yes": it simplifies things.
My question, then, is this:
Is it morally wrong to date someone who is still legally married even if their relationship is over and they are in the process of getting a divorce?
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Comments (40)
Why are you asking such a ridiculous question if you're convinced what you're doing is justified? Do you want attention that badly?
As long you're happy and he's happy who really gives a fuck? Caring about what is 'morally right' or 'morally wrong' by other people's standards will only prevent you from being the happiest you can be.
...we're in somewhat similar situations. I wish you the best. =]
No, I don't think you're in the wrong. Hes getting a divorce, he has signed the papers..they have nothing to do with each other. Stop worrying and be happy :)
Is he divorced? No? Yeah...
You're a moron.
Like I told you over at Revelife, I know of a guy that told a woman that he was separated and the woman lived in a different state and she was living in the same house as him.
"Is it morally wrong to date someone who is still legally married
even if their relationship is over and they are in the process of
getting a divorce?"
The question is "will it be morally wrong if he dates a person while still legally married to you as long as he tells the woman you are getting a divorce? I think the most important thing for him and the woman after you will be their own happiness.
Things in this post that made me laugh: EVERYTHING.
dude. your "about me"... do you really need to include that and share with people? i was gonna comment but that totally distracted me.
Aren't you contradicting yourself if you believe that cheating is wrong and then ask if it's morally wrong to date someone who is STILL legally married?
If marriage comes from God...well, divorce doesn't. So...
I was with a married man recently- we fell in love and would always talk about spending his life with me and his wife ended up finding us together, screaming at me, calling me a bitch and a cunt, and he did not leave her. Now she won't let him talk to anyone or go out. Trust me on this, they hardly ever leave their wives. No matter how much he may feel for you, men enjoy the comfort that their wives provide, even though he told me many times he basically settled at a young age for her and wish he knew me before he got married. I'm sorry I know it's a hard situation and people look at you badly when in reality he's the one cheating and ruining it, people always look so hardly to blame the other woman 100%. Glad to see he is actually taking the step though.
by looking at your about me.. i think you need to fix yourself before getting with someone else.
Yes, it is wrong. Wait until it's officially over. Also, if you are even bothering to ask, you must feel that something is wrong about it.
He's not divorced yet. He is STILL MARRIED. You're wrong, and so is he.
Yes it's wrong, you "dedicated Christ follower". What a hypocrite. And from the sound of your About Me section, you are a basket case.
umm..this might just be me but....I'm not a Christian. I don't see it as wrong. Mostly because of his past with his wife. He's married...but that means nothing to me simply because he doesn't live with her and I'm assuming he doesn't love her because of what she did. Like you said, financial reasons kept him from doing so. This kinda reminds me of my parents relationship. They're married but it really means nothing to me (but perhaps to others) because of infidelity in the relationship.
But...I see it is something that bothers you so. So if you are trying to stay strong to your faith and at the same time be with him, take a break while it is getting filed and get back together after.I agree, it seems like you are looking for validation. If you were really happy and saw nothing wrong with the relationship you wouldn't feel the need to lie or to write this blog. If I ever find myself single again, and I meet a married man, I would wait until he was divorced before beginning a relationship. They are always miserable with their wives, their wives are always psycho, and they are always filing the papers.
Let's start with this- What do you want in this relationship? First off, anyone that is married and looking for something outside of marriage is NEVER gonna be happy. Even if he does get a divorce, do you honestly think he's going to be exclusive to you? That being said, there is a reason why he's married to that girl still, whether to be with his kid or because he doesnt want to lose everything; whatever the reason, you're a fool to be sticking around. I have been that dude in a marriage, and I have been the fool messing with someone in a marriage. It's a position that should be walked away from.
Seriously, I think you need to focus on yourself that's how much of a basket case I think you are. You think the rest of us care to know what illnesses you (supposedly) suffer from? You flatter yourself. That kind of stuff is personal and should stay that way. There are things about myself I don't want you personally to know, and it's because it's none of your freaking business!
Also, you don't need justification or validation for your behavior, because you already know it's WRONG. As long as that guy is still married in every sense of the word, yes, you are cheating and you're enabling him to cheat. I don't care that his marriage is over in every sense of the word but legally. Most men won't ever leave their wives regardless of what they tell you. They're afraid to lose that comfort zone. And even if he does actually leave her for you, regardless of the actual reasons in the first place, who's to say he'll stay with you? If he can leave her like that, he can just as easily leave you like that.
it feels like you are always justifying your actions. like you have an excuse for everything, his wife doesn't live with him anymore, they are in different states, he tried, whatever whatever.
the thing is, he is still married. it doesnt' matter if they are trying or not trying, or how horrible the wife is. he is still married by law.
so imo its wrong.
in my accidental experiences because these men told me upfront that they were single, but I found out later that they were married due to catching them in lies with my keen observatory skills
most that I've talked to turned out to be pathological liars and are great manipulators. I found out the truth via his facebook lol I waited for him to confess his actual status. I asked him if the female, who appeared on his profile in the comment section was his gf, but he said that she was his ex-gf, but she was actually his wife! he was cheating and had the guts to add his own wife to his social network site
he also lied about his age. I thought that he was my age, but he was older. he told me this elaborate story about how he is miserable with his wife and how annoying she was, but later I saw pics of him going on a weekend vacation with her. so maybe he isn't that miserable and is just greedy and wants his cake and eat it, too, type of situation, although each situation is different. he directly told me that he was attracted to me because I had a youthful personality and he is turned on just by talking to me. we never had any physical contact. it was mostly emotional. however, after I found out his actual status, I was immediately turned off by him, because I hate cheaters. I played along to delve into the mind of the cheater, so it was reverse manipulation for a short while. I don't feel bad about this, because he played me first:D he talked to me first and liked me first. I sort of liked him but not really. he liked me more than I liked him. I'm not religious. I stopped talking to him later, but he contacted me later asking me to add him on facebook, which I denied, and asked him if he left his wife yet, which he said that he was working on it lol! he had no intention of leaving her because as annoying as she was sometimes, she had her nice days and since he was afraid of being alone, he stayed with her. I think that's why he won't leave, he fears loneliness, and won't let go of his safe house place, because he knows that she still loves him and won't leave either since they're both reliant on each other. when he gets into fights with his wife, he seeks out other women to temporarily relieve his stress/unhappiness instead of confronting the problem. from my research, I think these men are in denial, selfish, greedy, conniving and they don't really care about anyone but themselves even if they tell the other woman otherwise. each situation varies. what I was saying is that he can say whatever he wants to say about his divorce papers and how horrible and deceptive his wife was, but it might be exaggerated lies. who really knows since she doesn't have a voice in this, only his biased perspective.
@JinnLedet@xanga - exactly.
this is ridiculous.
and it pisses me off that you just had to add that you're a 'dedicated christ follower'
no wonder people hate us Christians lol.
@Diary_of_a_fatman@xanga - I agree with him and my question to you is he really telling you the truth? because there are 2 sides to a story