Friday, 20 May 2011
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The Definition of Cheating
This post was submitted by an anonymous user.During my usual lunchtime, where I talk to my friends about life, I brought up an argument me and my boyfriend had. My boyfriend considered me going out to lunch with a friend of mine - who so happened to like me for year - a mild form of cheating. I thought this ridiculous because, although I did go out on a date with him, nothing happened. A month later, I went out with my boyfriend and sparks flew. Meaning, I love my boyfriend and even if my friend of three years decided to pull some moves, I'd stick it to him. I saw it as a friendly lunch (especially since we are all graduating) and intended on it being that way throughout.
Nonetheless, the argument still made me upset. My boyfriend and I have already established rules about cheating. His was that he didn't care about flirting but no physical actions (I don't flirt but he had this rules because his ex apparently loved to). I agreed and had this as a rule as well, since I've never had a boyfriend. Therefore, even if I decided to flirt with my friend (which I never would), it wouldn't go outside the rules HE established.
When I finished my story, I then asked my buddies if they established rules. Their responses shocked me. One girl friend responded saying that she could bump and grind a guy and even make out with him, but no sex. Another friend said that she could have sex with as many guys, as long as there wasn't an emotional connection. Yet another one stated that she could do whatever she wanted, as long as the bf knew prior to the event(s).
I was dismayed. I mean, maybe these couples have amazing trust with each other, but jealously will still play its part. I could never let my guy have sex or even kiss another girl without feeling jealous!
So Datingish readers, what do YOU feel is cheating? Has this generation really changed in terms of the cheating definition?
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Comments (31)
that's intense. I mean, they're probably in open relationships and are obviously not that emotionally invested in the other person (I would presume) and I hold nothing against them, but I know for me personally, I could never do that.
Like, never. I'm selfish that way :]
John
Lol, you know a lot of people with open relationships. Most people I know would be pissed if she did anything with another guy physically or was emotionally invested in them.
Your girlfriends' definitions of a relationship sound a lot like how I acted when I was single. I don't get the purpose of having a 'boyfriend" if you're going to go out and bump and grind or sleep with anyone else, it just complicates things. Call me old fashioned, but I'd consider everything they do cheating.
Your lunch sounded harmless though. Cheating in my definition is sharing a part of you that should be reserved for your boyfriend/relationship, with someone else. That can be emotional or sexual. Being cheated on sexually would be unacceptable for me, not because I think there would necessarily be "love" or that kind of emotion involved, but because to me it would feel demeaning to what I share and give to my boyfriend, like it doesn't matter.
Emotional cheating is when you share a spark or connection with someone else, who mentally "turns you on" or "stimulates" you. Some people are less bothered by this, but for me I think it would be similarly painful, because I'm someone who is attracted to someone first and foremost because of their thoughts and ideas, their ambition, and the way they think. If my boyfriend connected with another girl in this way, I imagine it would feel similarly demeaning to what I thought we shared.
I live by this rule. If I'm texting a guy and my boyfriend doesn't know about it, I'm cheating. If I'm hanging out at a guys house and my boyfriend doesn't know about it, I'm cheating. If it's enough to lie about, in my opinion that's cheating.
As far as the people mentioned previously, those aren't real couples. Sure, they can date and claim they're serious. But you can't care about someone you let treat you that way and give themselves to someone else. . .
I said things in a way that made it sound as if I was flirting and my boyfriend dumped me .
@meaganbme93@xanga - Bingo. If it feels wrong, don't do it!
Have these girlfriends of yours even actually gone that far in their relationships? Do they feel the same way about their boyfriends going out and doing the dirty with other people? It's easy to talk a big game until you actually have to play.
My husband cheated on me, and yes, he knew it was wrong, but he didn't think it was nearly as bad as I did...until he saw other guys trying to take advantage of the situation and flirting with me. Even though nothing happened on my end, just the potential was enough for him to lose his shit, even though he *thought* he wouldn't care before hand. Cheating, on any level, is tricky. No one really knows their limits until they're tested.
They seem like they are in open relationships that aren't serious. For me, I am like you. I would not consider going to lunch with a friend of the opposite sex cheating. It's just a time to hang out and catch up. What I do consider cheating is kissing, having sex, being romantically intimate with someone of the opposite sex that isn't your SO.
I guess our rules are pretty normal compared to some of your friends'! We consider flirting, kissing, sleeping together and any emotional attachment as cheating. It's totally fine to have lunch/dinner with the opposite sex (even if it's an ex or somebody who has had a crush on you) AS LONG AS we let each other know beforehand and ask whether or not we're okay with it. I think open communication is always the key to everything. If you're doing something that you know your SO wouldn't do, you're probably doing something wrong.
@meaganbme93@xanga - This is a great definition.
If you feel guilty...you know why.
Although, as for your argument with your bf, I don't think you were "cheating" but I think you were being disrespectful and inconsiderate of his feelings. My huband pulled that a couple times when we were engaged and I put a end to that immediately.
As for our generation, definitely think we are making everything that used to be important, casual.
"One girl friend responded saying that she could bump and grind a guy and even make out with him, but no sex. Another friend said that she could have sex with as many guys, as long as there wasn't an emotional connection. Yet another one stated that she could do whatever she wanted, as long as the bf knew prior to the event(s)."
All of the above can be considered cheating -- but at varying degrees/seriousness.
Also, the "hook-up culture", divorce rate and high amount of infidelity in this country (USA) is very, very disturbing; hence, why the OP's question even exists in the first place.
@laytexduckie@xanga - agreed!
@laytexduckie@xanga - Same
I can't get away with most stuff your girl friends do. My husband, and I realize this is a whole different commitment/relationship level than dating couples, has made it clear that there are to be no other guys beyond a friendship level. I certainly wouldn't blame you for being jealous if your boyfriend kissed and/or got it on with another girl. Heck, I'd be expecting you to be more than just jealous really, but that's just my way of thinking.
sneaking around being deceptive, which includes both physical and emotional intimacy.
the examples that you mentioned were probably discussed beforehand, but I personally would not agree to those casual terms nor take relationships casually. otherwise, why be in a relationship to begin with if I'm so greedy and want to flirt with many people yet I'm supposedly with someone. open relationships are a joke, imo. if it works for them, then to each their own.
@meaganbme93@xanga - took the words right out of my brain
both me and my fiancée agreed that anything further than mild flirting is too much for either of us. we're both clingy and a little jealous. oddly enough it makes all her friends wish they had what me and her have.
Cheating is anything you would NOT do in front of your significant other. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.
Personally I think flirting with one another is okay at some point but when it goes too far and you go along that's a bad path way to go causing problems and emotions to cheat. BUT "cheating" in a relationship is what you and your partner establishes, although having sex or any intercourse with another is cheating. I shall not covenant my neighbors wife, there for whether your partner is okay with it or is informed it's really still considered cheating. Think of it, how would you feel if your partner was doing the same thing? Although you say you wouldn't care you know you would and if you honestly don't then why are you together it seems more to me that your fuck buddies more than "lovers" either way it's still lust and cheating is cheating when it comes to sex, but flirting can be okay if every so often with a stranger. Not if it's someone you know very well and know they're attracted to you, and/or have had a relationship previously or is in want of one in the future....anyways that's just my opinion.
hm i guess my definition of cheating is anything beyond a friendly hug.
whats the point in having a boyfriend/girlfriend if you're not going to be faithful to that one person?
kissing to me is cheating..and anything further than that. another form of cheating to me is when your SO is more emotionally involved/attached with another than they are with you.I feel like a little bit of innocent flirting is never bad.
My boyfriend and I never made any rules. This would be an interesting topic to talk to him about. I wonder how it would turn out. =P
Cheating, to me is any act a person performs while understands the negative effect it will have on their SO, it is any act you know will upset your partner or make them feel disrespected.
@meaganbme93@xanga - I completely agree.
@oneLBcloser@xanga - Agreed.
my boyfriend put the blame on me whenever someone tries to flirt with me even though i don't flirt back... lol