Friday, 20 May 2011
-
The Stigma of Meeting People Online
Once, while conversing with a group of people, I asked a friend how his brother and his beautiful wife met. He told me out loud “in Philadelphia” which I thought was a vague response. He later took me aside and informed me that they actually met online. From the derisive twist of his mouth and the discreet tone of his voice, I could tell he thought this was a shameful secret.Society often looks down on those who date online. I remember watching an episode of “How I Met Your Mother” (great show btw) where the main character was derided for meeting one of his (many) girlfriends via the internet. For the most part people automatically assume that those who resort to using online resources to find others are either a.) pathetic losers, b.) desperate, c.) creepy/ crazy or d.) all of the above.
Once my sister’s ex-boyfriend tried to make her jealous by dating someone new shortly after their break up. It was soon made known that his “girlfriend” was someone he found online and had never met in real life before!In fact, she lived in another state!I will admit that my siblings and I unabashedly made fun of him. Which looking back, it was quite immature; for while he was a desperate guy, this is not necessarily true for all people who date online.
Xanga seems to be a community that is more forgiving towards online relationships.Though in college I saw first hand how online relationships can cut you off from reality. One of my roommates left her perfectly wonderful in-the-flesh, long-term boyfriend for a guy she met on World of Warcraft! She was always a bit introverted, but it just got worse after this! I never saw her outside of her room and sometimes she would skip classes and labs (with me always stuck as her lab partner and picking up the slack!) I tried to talk to her without intervening too much, but it didn’t work. She even flew out of state to meet him (for the first time) over one of our breaks. When the infatuation was finally over and they broke up she tried to get back together with her real life boyfriend but he refused. She also did not graduate on time, failing some of her classes!
So I will be honest, at times I feel like the stigma of online dating is there for a reason. I recall my one friend, who played WOW also, telling me he saw my roommate on WOW with her then boyfriend and their avatars were “holding hands.” (I didn’t know you could do that on WOW!) That really creeped me out. In general, the “online world” lends itself to the danger of breaking from reality; for, nothing can replace in-the-flesh human interaction. To me it can easily lead to unhealthy behavior.
Though there are exceptions to every rule.Like a while ago I saw a “Xanga wedding” where two people who met on Xanga broadcasted their vows live on Xanga. I thought that was very sweet.
Moreover, every so often I hear of success stories of people who met on eHarmony or Match.com, like my friend’s brother I mentioned earlier. In fact, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I saw a commercial that boasted their online dating site has resulted in more marriages than traditional forms of meeting someone. (Has that been verified?) My boyfriend then hugged me tightly and said, “I’m glad we didn’t meet online.” And while a part of me wanted to reprimand him, in my head I thought, “Me too.”
I guess I still need to work on my own prejudices to online dating. But what do you think?
Do you find online dating acceptable? Laudable? Creepy? Desperate? Fun? Embarrassing? Scary? Do you think the stigma in society against online dating is fair? Unwarranted? Reasonable? Have you ever experienced online dating first hand?
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: AmeliaHart@xanga
- About Me: I crashed my plane..... trying to find a way back home...
-
True
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 5 Views: 0 9565 Comments: 0 205 View all posts by AmeliaHart@xanga
Comments (37)
I haven't done it myself, but I think when done correctly, it can be an
effective way for people who are socially inhibited to get to know a
little about someone before meeting them, rather than approaching a
stranger and starting a conversation. Of course, there's a risk that the
person on the other end is lying about themselves, or even dangerous.
(Usually, people aren't as tall, as rich, or as thin as they claim to
be.)
Online dating is actually very common, especially among people who don't have time to go out and meet new people. Only thing is it's a whole different game.
i'm confused. are you talking about people in online relationships (where they don't or infrequently see the other person), or people who meet through online dating sites? the stigma for the latter was gone years ago, i thought. the first one...yeah i think that's a little weird.
There are 4 types in online dating:
0) Regular people trying it out
1) Busy people who have very little time to go out:
2) Recently divorced/single, maybe have a kid and can't go out all the time
3) Weirdos/Flakes/Creeps and losers (the rest)
it's about 80% number 3, 15% number 2 , and 4% number 1, and 1% number 0
Then you split those into:
1) cool women/men
2) Women who want to get married yesterday and men who want to have sex yesterday
80% is number 2
20% of those is number 1
So in total of finding a good, cool person who maybe just busy, and doesn't have an agenda = 20%*5% = 1%
So 1 out of every 100 people online is going to be great!
start sending those emails
When I started dating a guy a few months ago, I met him on Facebook. We had the same group of friends, went to the same high school, except he was three years older than I was. I had heard his name before, but had never formally met him. One day we started chatting online and then eventually hung out in person and started dating. I used to hate telling people that we met on Facebook. I always felt like they would reprimand me for hanging out with someone I met over the Internet and I would have to defend my actions. To this day, I try to dodge the question or twist the story a little bit.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Agreed. The OP seems to be talking about two totally different kinds of "online dating" here... one of which is totally creepy (having an "online bf/gf" who you've never met in person before) and the other of which is actually pretty common (meeting/dating in person after connecting through a site like match.com or okcupid
@testyman666@xanga - I live in NYC and while you might think that the sheer number of people makes it easy to meet and date, it can actually be the opposite. I met more weirdos out on the street and in bars every day than most people probably do on dating sites, and it was impossible to tell who was actually looking for a serious relationship or who wanted a fling. While I've never used online dating, a surprising number of "cool" and "normal" young people in major cities are using these sites more and more. I can't speak for other parts of the US, but for cities, it's become a decent way to connect through an email or message and then meet up for a drink and see if you click. No sketchier than meeting a stranger in a NY bar, I'll tell you that much...! :)
@design3rskyline@xanga - Aw, he's not just someone you "met through FB" though. If anyone asked, I would just say that you two went to the same high school but didn't really know each other, but reconnected after you both graduated
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - yeah I'm confused too, not sure what the post is really about...
I met my boyfriend through a dating site and at first I was like, idk about this but in a way I felt like it was actually better. We went on our first date after about 5 months of talking online (I had to make sure it was right) and when we met, I felt like I had already known him.
I don't see why you & your boyfriend are glad that you didn't meet online...seriously, what difference does it make? It doesn't make a person desperate, I think most people (such as myself) went online because they didn't want to settle for the people that they met in their day to day activities.
I don't think it's shameful anymore, a good friend of mine met one of her ex-boyfriends online as well and they were together for quite a while. Really, it's almost the same as someone asking you out on a date when you're out and about.
I met my boyfriend on an MMORPG 5 years ago. We've been dating for 16 months now, lived together for four months. He lives in Florida, I live in California, so...I can no longer judge. O:)
I think it's creepy. Half the people online are fake half the time or more. I think there a difference between meeting online (it's just another way to meet people) and dating online (you never see the other person in real life). The former is okay. The latter is creepy, as you wonder what the people are hiding from the people around them that they don't have a real-life relationship.
I am neither creepy, nor pathetic...neither is my husband. We met online. My brother is one of the most personable men you'll ever meet, and his fiancee is the sweetest, warmest, most caring and dear woman I've met in a very long time. They met online. My grandfather is a wonderful man who met my wonderful step-grandmother online. To say the stigma of online dating has been disproved in our family is an understatement. If you're careful, and picky, and don't get wrapped up in the thrill of the anonymity of online dating, it can be a great way to meet people you wouldn't have met otherwise. There isn't anything wrong with it, and I'm not ashamed of where I met my husband. It is what it is. And I couldn't have been luckier, I couldn't have found anyone more perfect for me.
-Katie
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - good point. It pays when the authors will make a definite differentiation as you have.
Anyway. I don't think some of the stigma is "unfair" simply because there needs to be a bit of caution when we think/speak of it; we never really know who's on the other side of the connection until we meet, and it's best to have people come along to meet, to be safe. Apart from that, I'll give the obvious response: when it's genuine on both sides and when it does lead to things like that Xanga wedding, how could I not be for it. :) I don't have anything against dating sites, just wouldn't do it.
@rabbit_heart@xanga - holy shit. 5 months??? i don't have that kind of patience. i figure if a girl isn't willing to meet after a week (2 max) she's either too shy or too paranoid for things to work out between us. i don't communicate well with people unless i can see them face to face, and plus i feel like if i spent too long talking to someone online, it would be too weird to make that jump and see them in person. emails and messaging (with someone you don't know) are so contrived, i feel.
@BloodIsLove@xanga - "we never really know who's on the other side of the connection until we meet" yes this is correct, and that's why i HATE online dating. it's impossible to accurately represent yourself in the written word, or through numbers, or whatever. by the way, nobody's going to shank you in a public place...as long as you don't agree to meet in a sketchy locale, i don't see what you feel so unsafe about :)
some people that I thought that I knew most of my life turned out to be sociopaths, so getting to know a complete stranger isn't creepier nor any more or less trustworthy. sure, the people that you meet in real life in person first are physically who he/she is and there are no surprises compared to possible sketchy profile pics, but their personality can be whoever they want to be online or offline, so everybody is just as creepy or just as trusting depending on partial luck and partial ability to figure them out for who they really are
batman is also the dark knight for example
it depends if the person is an optimist or pessimist and also how much common sense they have.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - well my boyfriend had the patience, and he's being rewarded now ;) lol I wasn't shy nor paranoid...simply cautious like anyone should be when meeting someone online. I wouldn't consider 5 months talking online a long time really, we've been together a year and a half and I can't believe that we ever met online. I didn't find it contrived either, but to each their own.
@rabbit_heart@xanga - lol no. 5 months isn't paranoia...how? you're a grown woman, not a 9 year old girl who's being shown a secret in the ice cream truck driver's basement "as long as you keep it a secret". i really want to know what you think the WORST thing that can happen is, under the following reasonable constraints:
-you don't give him your credit card number, ssn, birth certificate, or power of attorney.
-and more seriously, you take your own transportation to your meeting place, which is a public place.
my vote is that you go, meet him, decide he's ugly, and you go home. boo-hoo, you lost 20 minutes of your time. i look forward to hearing your theory.
i met a nice guy off of an online dating site...it didnt work out due to the long distance...but its possible to meet someone online
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - well, if you knew my background a little better maybe you'd understand. I'm not an idiot (in my opinion) and obviously know that giving out information like that isn't the smartest idea.
However, my being cautious has more to do with matters of the heart. I went through extreme hurt when I was younger by close family members...and yes, have trust issues as a result. I wanted to make sure that when I met someone, it had to be someone I felt I wasn't wasting my time (or emotions) with.
I don't have a callous attitude when it comes to meeting someone, I can't "decide he's ugly" and go home. It's just not in me. I have to be as sure as possible that this person is someone I get along with. Luckily for me, he was. I only have a few people in my life that I love more than anything, and that takes time to build those relationships. I wanted to feel comfortable before I let someone else in.
Maybe you and I are completely different, and you can just go on a date and consider it a waste of time and move on. I'm a different breed, I'm afraid. I was looking for a serious relationship, and that's why I took it so seriously. Interesting comments though, I like finding out other perspectives.
I think it's easy to get caught up and break from reality, which you were touching upon. However, I think as long as you approach it realistically and with a certain levelheadedness, there's potential for actual relationships to sprout. As long as you don't fall for the computer screen.
I've never never actually dated online, but I've found one or two people with a "well it would be nice if we could meet but oh well." kind of thing. For me to actually consider it, they'd need to be somewhere relatively nearby....I think the human interaction is a necessity.
I met my boyfriend of a year and a half on okcupid.com and it was probably the best decision I have ever made in terms of dating. However, I completely understand where the creepy/awkward/desperate aspect of online users comes from since I did experience it first hand. I do feel extremely lucky to have met my boyfriend and I'm not sure how it happened. I wish I could say there was some special formula you have to follow when it comes to online dating, but honestly just use your best judgement. Be open minded about it!!!! There are way too many success stories of completely happy, committed couples out there who have met online and keep in mind that bad dating stories will happen anywhere, online or not. You and your boyfriend might tell each other that you guys are glad to have not met online, but my boyfriend and I completely disagree and we are SO happy we went the online dating route instead of the old-fashioned "be introduced by friends/family/work" ways. I am HAPPY and I will NEVER be ashamed to admit that I met my boyfriend online. Even to people that are wary of them.
I used to do a lot of online dating. I did it because I thought it was efficient, you can meet more people in a short amount of time then waiting for someone to stumble into your life the old fashioned way.
I then I decided I was done with it. It just seems unnatural to me. People were not meant to judge each other on pictures and stats. People are supposed to see someone, become intrigued by their mannerisms and personality FIRST, and then learn more about them. I guess this does work for people who have a hard time getting through that first step. That's not me. I try not to think less of people who meet online, because if the two are happy that's really all that matters in the end. I just personally feel like love can come to ME and I don't have to rifle through 100 pictures of mostly creepy men desperately searching for it.
I use the internet to find intimate encounters rather than for dating. I guess the stigma would be greater for what I'm doing, haha. My friends are pretty awesome so they don't give me flack about it.
oneLBcloser@xanga - I met my current bf and the one before him online. I understand and respect your point of view, but I haven't been too lucky on the aspect of meeting someone live, mainly because some people tend to judge on appearance and other superficial things that don't give you insight into the person. I really don't care about mannerisms (unless they are really annoying, ha) and personality is one of the main things I can infer from a well written profile. Just reading a profile (and between the lines) gives me an idea of the guy, if he's a player, lazy, shy, materialistic, religious, superficial, etc, and those are things I really do care about someone I want to date. I guess online matching sites work more for some people who haven't had much success with the "live" method.
So I'm kind of confused by your post on a whole. I don't know whether you are talking about online relationships where people meet, and decide they are going to be in a relationship even though their connection doesn't go farther than the computer screen, or whether you are talking about people who go and meet people in real life from a website they have been on.
I met my current boyfriend who I have been with for almost three years online. We met on a dating website. When I first moved to college, I was in a new city, very far away from home. My program had a lot of older people in it, and I decided that I needed to start taking action to meet new people, so I signed up for a dating site, where I said on my profile that I was techniquically just looking for friends. I made quiet a few great friends this way, and even after talking to my boyfriend a few times on messenger, we agreed to meet, and hit things off right away. After a few months of getting to know each other, we started dating.
Now, on the other hand, I think that people who date online and have never met the person are just hiding behind their computer screens. There is something about a real life relationship that they cannot handle, and for that reason, I think it's a little odd... and a little scary. What happens if you commit yourself to this person for two and a half years, then finally meet and realize that you cannot get along with this person in real life? That would be a huge bummer. It just doesn't seem logical to me, and I don't think it will be something that will be accepted for a very long time.
However, people being on dating sites and meeting their potential lovers that way has not been taboo for many years now.
@rabbit_heart@xanga - okay, that makes more sense. i had gotten the impression that you believed all dudes doing online dating were creepers. i still think that there's no investment in going on one date with someone (except for the person who pays, i suppose) but i'm at least happy to know that if i were to ever go on a date with you, you wouldn't just be there for a free dinner, haha.
@testyman666@xanga - hahahahhahaa hysterical!